WHAT’S NEXT FOR BUSH: I’LL BE POPE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush announced today that he is just about ready to “hang up the towel and throw in his spikes” and let someone else be the Commander in Chief. “There are two reasons I can now give up this job with a light heart,” he said. “First, my friends at Diebold and the Supurb Court have assuracated me that a GOPer will win the election and will keep the White House white, and keep my war goin’ for a hundred years or a century whichever is longer. And the third of my two reasons, is that I have asked my dad to make me the next Pope.”

“I am the perfectist choice for sittin’ on top of the Vatican,” Bush said. “The Pope has to be a decider like me, the Pope gets to start crusades and holy wars like me and like me the Pope never makes mistakes. I hear they call that being inflatable.”

“I just can’t wait for Bush to be the Pope,” said Fox’s Sean Hannity, “and get to watch Ted Kennedy have to kiss Bush’s ring.” “I am in full support of George to be the next Pontiff,” said Dick Cheney, “because somebody’s got to absolve me of all my sins.”

A surprise endorsement for Bush’s Papal ambitions came from a grainy videotape, purportedly of Osama Bin Laden. “I can only hope and pray,” the shadowy figure says in Arabic, “that Bush can do for the Catholic Church what he did to America.”

WHAT’S IN A NAME? GOP TO STOP USE OF BARAK OBAMA’S MIDDLE NAME
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a quick change of strategy, the GOP has ordered its members and friends in the media to stop referring to Senator Obama as Barak Hussein Obama. “At first we were thrilled to use ‘Hussein’ when referring to Obama as we were not sure how much racism we could get away with when attacking him,” said Sanford Welch, of the Republican National Committee. “S0 we planed to associate Obama with Saddam, turbans and terrorists to neutralize his message of hope.”

“We even prepared for the firestorm of Democrat protest,” continued Welch, “by telling everyone in our talking points that middle names were used for Franklin Delano Roosevelt and JFK. What we were not prepared for, was our discovery of the lesser-known middle names of prominent conservatives. We figure if we stop the Hussein stuff now, we will be able to keep our own middle names secret.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the secret middle name list which included among other conservatives: George “Warmonger” Bush, Rush “Oxycontingassbag” Limbaugh, Rudy “the fixer” Guiliani, Bill “MF” O’Reilly, Ann “Shesaman” Coulter, John “Insane” McCain, Michael “Tinyweiner” Savage and Richard “Beelzebub” Cheney.

BUSH SHOCKED BY FOUR DOLLAR A GALLON GAS: HEY, WERE’S MY CUT?
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – During a press conference about passing the domestic spying bill, President Bush was caught off guard when a reporter mentioned in passing that some top analysts have predicted four dollar a gallon gas prices. “Say what?” the President responded. “No one tole me them gas prices were so high. Dick told me they were still about a buck and a half. What I want to know is that if they are so high, how come my royalty checks is still so low?

When further questioned about his lack of knowledge of what average Americans have to pay at the pump, Bush said, “Last time I had to pump my own gas, I was so smashed I put the hose through the car winda.’ Hell if I knew what any pricing was.” When asked about any suggested relief for the American people, Bush said, “I guess they’ll have to get a motorcade like me with some friends from south of the border to pumpicate their gas or I suppose they could help out my jobs created numbers by gittin’ three jobs. I’d ask my dad for answers,” Bush added, “but he is too busy being marvelcated by them grocery store thingys that go beep and show those pesticated Mexican food prices on the little green screen.”

USDA ON BEEF RECALL AFTER CONSUMPTION: THE PURGE IS WORKING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The United State Department of Agriculture announced today that Americans should not be concerned that the largest recall of beef in US history came after a good portion of the beef had already been eaten. “While there may be some anti-American nay-sayers,” said Dr. Dick Raymond, Undersecretary of Food Safety for the USDA, “we didn’t throw our hands up in defeat and regurgitate loser rhetoric, we came with a plan for Americans to just give a little back when it came to consumption. It other words we called for a purge and all indications are that the purge is working.”

The tainted beef came from the Chino, California slaughter house of the Western/Hallmark Beef Company. Most of the suspect beef went to school lunch programs and some to the aptly named fast food chain, In-N-Out Burger. “The reason the purge is working,” Dr. Raymond said, "was that the USDA hired super models as spokespersons for the purge, "and when it comes to purging, these gals have the training and experience necessary and were ready to give it up for America.”

Upon hearing that much of the possibly contaminated meat had gone to school lunch programs, Barbara Bush said, “the kids who ate the bad beef were underprivileged anyway, so getting the free infected meat worked out pretty well for them.”

BUSH URGES CONGRESS TO PASS HIS FISA BILL, “SOS OUR SPYING BECOMES LEGAL”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush called on the House today to pass the Senate version of the FISA bill, known as the “Save American Spying on Americans Act.” “We would like to stay above and beyond the law when we’re listenin’ in to the minds of the American people,” Bush said, “sos its up to you, the House of Reprehensibles to pass the law so the spying we must continue to do will become legally legal.”

One controversy surrounding the bill is that it grants retroactive immunity to all the telecommunication companies who assisted the Bush Administration’s continuous illegal domestic spying on America citizens. “We need to grant amnesty, not to those illegal aliens that we hate to despise so much,” the President said, “but granticate it to good ol’ Americans like my friends at them phone companies. And in my signing statement, Bush continued, “I’ll also amnestify me for invading countries, invading American rights, robbin’ the treasury and also I’ll pardon Dick Cheney for his horrendous crime of being Dick Cheney all these years.”

HILLARY: LET ME BE A BRIDGE TO THE 20TH CENTURY
By R J Shulman
CLEVELAND, Ohio – Hillary Clinton began a new phase in her campaign in tonight’s debate with Barak Obama when she unveiled her new theme of being a bridge to the 20th Century. “We are only eight years into the 21st Century,” Senator Clinton said, “but it has proven to be the worst eight years and the worst direction for America in our history. What people want is change,” she continued, ”and if you allow me to be your next President, I promise to make that change back to the way they were at the end of the last century when we had peace and prosperity and the only thing we had to fear was fear itself and not Dick Cheney.”

“We think Senator Clinton’s new message will resonate with the American people,” said Sarah McFadden, a senior Clinton strategist, “a public hungry to go back to the future.”

CHENEY GOES TO HELL
By R J Shulman
HELL, Michigan – Vice President Dick Cheney made a rare trip to the Midwest when he visited Hell, Michigan today. Hell, a tiny town, population 266, located approximately 20 miles northwest of Ann Arbor, welcomed the Vice President with open arms. “We wanted him to feel right at home,” said Mayor George Devlin.

Cheney said his visit to the small town following a severe winter storm that caused extensive damage was to “see if Hell had frozen over and if so, if you will, that would prove that global warming was indeed a hoax.” When President Bush learned of Cheney’s visit to the storm damaged area, Bush said, “You’re doin’ a hell of a job, Dickie.” “This should put to rest,” said a spokesperson for the Vice President, “that Mr. Cheney wouldn’t go to hell and back for the American people.”

After he is done with Hell, Cheney is scheduled to visit Sulphur Springs, Texas. “There’s nothing like it,” Cheney said, “I love the smell of Sulphur in the morning.

CONSERVATIVE PUNDITS EXCITED ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - Conservative talk show hosts are thrilled with this year’s crop of Presidential hopefuls. “We can’t lose,” said Glenn Beck, “George W. Bush ,who has no legacy to stand on, has messed things up so badly that a Dem is sure to be elected, a Dem that we will then blame for the impending collapse of America.”

“Either with McCain’s straight talk or the Democrat gay talk,” said Laura Ingram, “we will have plenty to talk about.” “This is a dream come true for me to be able to go on my rants every night," said Michael Weiner, better known to his fans as Michael Savage, “Hillary will let the disease-ridden foreign speaking illegals into the country, McCain will grant them amnesty and Obama, hell he is one of those disease-ridden foreign speaking illegals.”

Bill O’Reilly echoed the sentiment saying, “I just cant wait for President Obama to get in a big international crisis and say ‘pass me the MF mukes.’” Ann Coulter commented, "wow, I don't know which of them I would like to shoot first." When asked about the candidates, Rush Limbaugh said, “screw them all. Where the hell is my maid with my prescription bottles?”

All the conservative talk show hosts agreed they would prefer President Hillary as they have loads of material about the Clintons that they could recycle. “We could take long vacations,” said Mike Gallagher, “because we could run old shows about Bill Clinton and our listeners would be so caught up in Clinton hating that they'd think the discussion was current.”

BUSH: PUT LEAD BACK IN GASOLINE SO WE DON’T HAVE TO PUT IT IN OUR TOYS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush said today that he is proposing legislation to put lead back in gasoline. “The lead proliteration means we have to put the extra excess of too much lead somewhere and its better to put it in our cars than in our children.”

“When we had lead in our gas,” Bush said, “we were the leading nation at being the number one country that was first in the world. But when those enviro-fascists forced the oil industry and when my mom told me to ‘get the lead out,’ they were both just plain wrong.”

BILL O’REILLY: LEFT-WING MEDIA TRYING TO LYNCH ME ON MY MICHELLE OBAMA COMMENT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox talk show host Bill O’Reilly said today that he would apologize if he could figure out what he did wrong when he said Michelle Obama should be lynched for saying she wasn’t proud of America. “If I made any mistake at all about that America hating terrorist Mrs. Obama,” O’Reilly said, “it was the misplaced use of the word lynching because I really don’t know what that word means. I once heard a great black American, Clarence Thomas use that word, as in high tech lynching, so I thought it was all right to say what I did.”

“One shouldn’t be attacked for using a word they don’t understand,” O’Reilly said, “yet the lefty press has hung me out to dry on this one. However, give those loopy liberals enough rope and they will end up swinging in the breeze.”

McCAIN DENIES RELATIONSHIP WITH FEMALE LOBBYIST
By R J Shulman
TOLEDO, Ohio – Senator John McCain denied allegations today that he had an illicit affair with Vicki Iseman, a 41 year old lobbyist. A story in the New York Times alleged that McCain assisted one of Ms. Iseman’s clients, Paxon Communications with one of his congressional committees and the FCC.

Looking directly into the camera and pointing a finger, McCain said, “I did not have sex with that woman. I am not a crook. I am the decider and I decided that I did nothing wrong. Now, is that kind of friggin’ straight talk Presidential enough for you?”

“The thought of McCain having sex with a lobbyist is truly disgusting,” said Janet Robbins, a bookkeeper from Jerome, Arizona, “not because it was adulterous, but because old man McCain having sex is one image I need to get out of my head as quickly as possible.”

“I believe that John is telling the truth about not having sexual relations with Ms. Iseman,” said former President Bill Clinton. “As everybody knows, the whole purpose of having an affair is to do it with someone who looks completely different than your wife and Ms. Iseman and Cindy McCain could be twins.”

“This is a non-story cooked up by the vast left-wing conspiracy of the liberal press,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “A man’s private life is no one else’s business. The leftist media would serve itself well by covering stories that have a vital impact on our national interests, like for example, what Bill really said to Hillary about Monica.”

McCAIN PICKS UP KEY ENDORSEMENT: DIEBOLD
By R J Shulman
NORTH CANTON, Ohio – Senator John McCain well on his way to the Republican Presidential nomination, but lacking support from some conservatives, got a key endorsement today from Diebold, the ATM and voting machine manufacturer. “We believe in Senator McCain’s new found support of corporate tax cuts,” said Diebold CEO Thomas Swidarski, “We believe our endorsement will mean thousand of votes for McCain, regardless of how people vote.”

“I am pleased and honored to receive this important endorsement,” said McCain, “most endorsements don’t mean squat, like Ted Kennedy for Obama or even the Teamsters, but Diebold coming out for me should translate into real votes or at least real vote totals.”

NEW STUDY: THOSE THAT DON’T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION ARE JUST NOT THAT EVOLVED
By R J Shulman
PALO ALTO, California – A new Stanford University study indicates that people who deny Darwin’s theory of evolution have not evolved significantly from other primates. “These non-believers seem to act out of fear, loathing, and the tendency to play with their feces in public,” said Thaddeus Twilloby, s Stanford researcher. “For example, they constantly think some foreigner is going to attack them, they despise anyone who is different, and they play fast and lose with the truth like is was just so much excrement.”

The eight-year study went on to point out that evolution non-believers are more likely to be chest thumping bullies who threaten to invade neighbor’s territories and want others to think just like them or else.

CHENEY TO SHOOT DOWN ERRANT SPY SATELLITE
By R J Shulman
HOUSTON – NASA announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney has been tapped to shoot down the unresponsive spy satellite, even if he, “has to go through a lot of lawyer’s faces to do it,” said Cheney. “Cheney is very good at shooting things down, like civil liberties and the truth,” said Roland Westbrook, a NASA spokesperson.

“Our intelligence community has informed me, said Cheney, “that the best place to shoot down the satellite is from a vantage point somewhere inside Iran. If the Iranians refuse to allow me to do it from there, we have little choice, if you will, but to invade Iran.”

CASTRO RESIGNS: ADMITS TAKING STEROIDS AND APPOLOGIZES TO BASEBALL AND THE CUBAN PEOPLE
By R J Shulman
HAVANA, Cuba – Fidel Castro resigned today after nearly fifty years of iron-fisted rule of Cuba. In his farewell speech, he admitted taking steroids in a failed attempt to make the roster of the Chicago Cubs. “I was so wanting to be, how you say, on the Cubs that I took some enhancing drugs,” said Castro, “that now hangs heavy with regret on my heart.”

“I was so hopped up with ‘roid rage,” Castro explained, “that I overthrew my native country and threatened the United States with nuclear weapons. I really meant no harm to the wonderful people of America, I just wanted to nuke Chicago and send the Cubs and Mr. Wriggly to kingdom come.” Castro ended by saying that he realized he didn’t need to exact revenge on the Chicago Cubs, as “God has prevented them from winning the World Series for one hundred years.”

BUSH ALMOST HUMBLED THINKING PRESIDENT’S DAY IS JUST FOR HIM
By R J Shulman
TANZANIA – President Bush told reporters today that he wished he could be back in the United States. “After all,” Bush said, “as the only President, President’s Day is a day just for me. If I was a humble man, I’d be humbilicated by that. When I get back from spreading demagoguery throughout Africa, as demagoguery is on the march, I will decide as the decider which dominion of money I will put my face on, probably the ten thousand dollar bill, heh, heh.”

The President said he didn’t know why theyhave his special day in February and not on his birthday. He promised that he would issue an executive order changing President’s day to his birthday as soon as he asked Laura just what day that is.

BUSH SENT ON TRIP TO DEEPEST DARKEST AFRICA
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush will begin a five nation good-will tour of Africa today. “I will promoticate American values of unregulated capitalism and how to end poverty, like we did in New Orleans by moving the poor people out. I am much excited about my tour, “the President said, “as I hear Africa has plenty of brush to clear, almost as much as on my ranch.” The tour comes as a surprise but seems to have been prompted by Vice President Dick Cheney who urged the President to undertake his mission.

“I gave him some sound advice, if you will,” said Cheney. “I told him the best way to make friends is to make sure when in Sudan to walk into a mosque during the morning prayers wearing a big cross and say you are on a crusade to be a uniter and not a divider. I also mentioned to him when his is in the wilds of Senegal,” Cheney continued, “to drench himself in antelope blood when approaching a lion who has cubs to show that he is coming in peace.”

The Vice President has denied a rumor that he wanted Bush to be so enraptured with Africa that he wouldn’t come back. “If I wanted him gone,” Cheney told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “I would have asked him to go hunting.” Speculation has varied from some political analysts thinking that the President is undertaking his trip to show he is a world traveler even to places with little or no oil to some speculating that he is leaving Washington to get a break from the battles with congress over the FISA bills.

BUSH ON FISA BILL: STOP FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS AGAINST PATRIOTIC PHONE COMPANIES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush urged the House today to support the FISA bill passed by the Senate which grants immunity retroactively and in the future to telecommunications companies that spy on American citizens, regardless if such spying violates the Constitution. “What the American people must understand,” the President said, “is we can’t have sue-happy trial lawyers stop our glorious phone folks from being able to protecticate the American people from their biggest enemy – the American people.”

“How else could we know what Obama will do after 9-11,” Bush told the House, “he could be stateegerizing to over take the decider role and end my royal Presidency. Also, without tapping the wires and dropping the eaves, we could never be in the know whether Roger Clemens took some female growth hormones which threatens to have our national pastime be ruined by terrorist drug pushers.”

“One person’s misguided need to hide something,” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “can’t trump the government’s right to secretly get that information to help protect us from terrorist enemies, while no person’s misguided need to know information can trump the government’s right to keep secrets for National Security.”
“If the House does the right thing and signs the new FISA bill,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “then I can say in all honesty, if you will, that privacy is in its last throes.”

McCAIN GIVES REASONS FOR VOTING FOR TORTURE
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Senator John McCain surprised many by voting against a proposal to extend the Army Field Manual’s ban on waterboarding to all US military and security actions. In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, McCain said, “The surge is working and torture works. I know from personal experience. When those North Vietnamese soldiers stuck a hot poker up my keister, I spilled the beans. Why do you think we lost the Viet Nam war?” McCain said. “I gave away all the secrets. Now how is that for straight talk?”

“Torture does work,” said President Bush. “How do you think we got McCain to flop flip on now approvicating of torture. You would flop flip too if someone sticks a hot keister up your poker.”

“Allowing torture is good for the economy,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “Manufacturing waterboards and hot pokers provides jobs, well they did move to Chinese factories, but the companies make profits and pay taxes on those items, except they have moved their headquarters off shore and get tax breaks, well there must be a reason to allow torture and I have just been reminded by that hot poker coming my way.”

“What I want to know,” said Vice President Dick Cheney,” are the names and addresses of all those who think that torture doesn’t work.”

GOP ADMITS IT’S HARD TO FILL BUSH’S SCHIZOPHRENIC SHOES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Republican Party insiders told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch today that the reason it has been so difficult to find a candidate that excites the Republican base is that President Bush was able to cover multiple personas at the same time. “Bush was our dream candidate,” said Oslow Warring of the Republican National Committee, “he was a war lover, a religious fundamentalist, a corporatist, a big government and tax hater, a bully, and also quite lazy. We were able to come up with these qualities for 2008,” Warring said, “but it took six candidates to do it. McCain is our war hungry man, Huckabee can handle the religious right, Romney never saw an employer who couldn’t find cheaper labor even if he had to travel the whole wide world to find it, Ron Paul loves small government and even smaller taxes, Giuliani was my way or the me and Bernie Kerik will kick your ass highway, and they just don’t get any lazier than Fred Thompson.”

“With Bush’s multiple personalities,” said Ron Herring, of the GOP, “I guess you could call him President Sybil. On any given day, you never knew who you would get.” The GOP is trying to change the rules to be able to run all six hopefuls as one candidate. “Well call him Fredmitt Rudypaul McCainabee,” said Herring.

“It could be worse,” said one Republican insider, “we could have a couple of minorities fighting over the nomination. But we’ll just have to leave that one to the Democrats.”

DEMS TOLD NOT TO WORRY OVER SUPER DELEGATES, NOVEMBER BLACK BOX WILL EAT THEM TOO
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – As the tight race for the Democratic Presidential nomination between Senators Clinton and Obama continues, many Democratic voters have expressed concerns that the large number of super delegates, made up of party loyalists, insiders and elected officials who can vote for any candidate, will decide the nominee.

“If the super delegates overthrow the vote of the people in the primary,” said Wilma Gluck, a long time Democrat from St. Cloud, Minnesota, “I just might have to cast my ballot in the lake, for what it’s worth.”
“This kind of thinking is foolish,” said Waylon Hinkle of the Heritage Foundation, “no matter who the Dems field, the GOP will field electronic voting machines and even if Jesus were to run as a Democrat, he couldn’t beat McCain once the fix was in. In fact,” Hinkle continued, “we have the results of the 2008 Presidential election right now. Isn’t it amazing how these machines can give us the final vote total before the first ballot is cast?”

JUDGE GRANTS CUSTODY OF BRITNEY SPEARS CHILDREN TO ANGELINA JOLIE
By R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD – In a ruling that came as a complete surprise, Judge Marvin Wallace granted custody of Britney Spears two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James to Angelina Jolie. “It’s in the best interest of the children,” the Judge said, fighting back the tears, “I mean what boys wouldn’t want their mother to be Angelina Jolie?” Speculation was that custody of the children would be granted to the father Kevin Federline, but that came into doubt when Larry Burkhead claimed he was the father, followed by seventeen other claims. “That battle could take years,” said Judge Wallace, “and I just wanted this long national nightmare to be over.”

Hundreds gathered at the courthouse to hear the final decision. “I was so shocked when he didn’t award the babies to me,” said Madonna, “Now that bitch has more kids than me.” “I can’t believe this,” said one tearful Britney supporter, “I wish everyone would just leave Britney alone.”

The two boys will join nineteen other children from five continents and two penguins from Antarctica that have been adopted by Angelina and Brad Pitt. Jolie was unavailable for comment as she was suffering a black eye from being punched in the face by Jennifer Anniston who had applied for custody of the children first.

CHENEY: WATERBOARDING IS AN IMPORTANT ELEMENT OF MY ENTERTAINMENT
By R J Shulman
CHEYENNE, Wyoming – In a message to Congress, who have been looking into the legality of the interrogation procedure commonly know as waterboarding, Vice President Dick Cheney told legislators that waterboarding was “a much needed tool in our arsenal in the global war on my boredom.”

“No, no, you don’t want Cheney bored,” said a Bush Administration spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous, “the last time he went too long without seeing someone tortured , he came up with the bright idea to invade Iraq. An idle Cheney mind is the devil’s playground.”

“He’s just so restless these days,” said another high level source who also wished anonymity. “Footage of bombs going off in Baghdad or repeated viewing of his old torture tapes are just not doing it for him anymore. If we don’t get some fresh torture tapes,” the source continued, “I’m terrified of what Cheney might think of next.”

“He sufferes from ADHD, Acute Detainee Hatred Disorder,” said Dr. Phil Mycuff, a psychologist from George Washington University, “Ridelin has proven ineffective, so the only option for his treatment is for Mr. Cheney to take two aspirin, lay back and watch someone scream and cry under torture.”

BUSH SURPRISED THAT TORNADOES CAUSED DAMAGE
By R J Shulman
JACKSON, Tennessee – President Bush took a tour of the devastation caused by tornadoes that left more than 50 people dead in several mid-south states. “No one could have known that tornadoes would have tornadoed through tornado alley,” Bush said.

“The good news,” Bush continued, “is that we have Brownie to do a heck of a job for these folks in Arkansee and Tennessaw.” When told by a staffer that Michael Brown resigned almost two years ago, Bush said, “No one could have known that Brownie would resign. But don’t worry as we can bring them formaldehyde trailers up from Louisiana for the folks here whose houses were made flat as a pancake.

“The people who lost their lives in the tornados,” said Barbara Bush, “were under privileged anyway, so their deaths have worked out pretty well for them.” “If people don’t vote for a Republican in the election,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “we will be hit again by tornadoes and we will be hit hard.”

ROMNEY SUSPENDS CAMPAIGN UNTIL HE CAN DETERMINE HIS REAL POSITION ON ISSUES
By R J Shulman
BOSTON – Mitt Romney announced today that he is suspending his campaign until he can figure out his real position on the issues. “I am not cut and running from my campaign for myself,” he told a crowd of supporters, “I am cut and running for America. The last thing we need in a time of war,” he continued, “is a candidate with more money than brains and more positions than the Kama Sutra.”

“It’s for the best,” said Norm Rawlings, a Romney spokesperson, “he was for reproductive rights, then against abortions, he favored gays in the boy scouts, then he wanted to string them up. He needs a little time to figure out where he stands. While he may have had many stances on the issues,” said Rawlings, “at least, he never can be accused of having a wide stance.”

MCCAIN’S PLEA TO REPUBLICANS: I’M SO CONSERVATIVE, I MAKE RONALD REAGAN LOOK LIKE A COMMUNIST
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – In a plea to get support from the conservative base of the Republican party that has so far shunned him, Arizona Senator John McCain said today that he is the real conservative in the Presidential race. “I’m so conservative,” he told reporters, “that, no offense to our patron saint, but I would have killed more Communists in my sleep than Ronald Reagan killed in his sleep. I’m so conservative that not only will I cut taxes to rich people, I will eliminate them entirely, heck I’ll even pay rich people back all of the taxes they ever paid in the past to the IRS.

“I’m so conservative,” he added, “that I’ll shoot anyone who supports Roe v Wade and propose legislation to kill anyone who ever had or assisted with an abortion since 1972. I’ll maim anyone who even mentions gay marriage. Shoot, I’m so conservative, I’ll bring Terry Shaivo back to life. I’ll kiss stem cells. I’ll personally drive an 18 wheeler full of oxycontin to Rush Limbaugh’s house. And if Huckabee claims the world is 6,000 years old, then I’ll believe the world is only 5,000 year old. Heck, I’ll even eat frickin’ Bibles until I poop out the Gospels. That’s how conservative I am.”

“He’s the real conservative deal,” said Frank Willey, a McCain supporter, “I mean who in their right mind wouldn’t’ vote for McCain when he says he will crucify anyone liberal enough to want peace, to help the poor and who wants to throw the money changers out of Congress?”

REPUBLICANS PLEASED TO RUN AGAINST EITHER A “SPADE” OR A “HO”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Republicans feel like a winner already, regardless of who wins the Democratic Presidential nomination., say GOP insiders. “We were quite concerned about our chances to stay in the White House in 2008 after Bush mucked things up,” said Henry Buss of the Republican National Committee, “but the Dems must be addicted to losing as they will nominate either a black man or a woman.”

“We can’t decide who would be better to run against to excite our base,” said William Stone, a Republican analyst, “Either way it’s double our pleasure, double our fun. With Hillary as our foe, not only can we slam her as a woman, we can bash her as a Clinton, where with Barak Obama we not only have the race card, but that fool’s middle name is Hussein. How anti-American is that?”

“The dream team is if they are both on the ticket,” Stone continued. “Who cares that we Republicans will be fielding a senile war mongering flip flopping drop out from anger management class. All we have to tell our constituents is vote for McCain or your lives will be run by a Clinton lesbian communist man-hater or a crack smoking black Muslim terrorist who hates America.”

“The Democrat party may be promising America a rose garden,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “but all those hate mongering name calling liberals will give us is either a spade or a hoe.”

HUCKABEE ASKS GOD TO SMITE HIS POLITICAL ENEMIES
By R J Shulman

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas – In a passionate plea, Mike Huckabee electrified a crowd of supporters when he asked God to “come on down and smite the political enemies of the one true living God.” Huckabee has likened his campaign of late to that of David. “With just a small budget the size of that small Biblical stone, I have been able to slay the demons of big money. In your name, O God,” Huckabee shouted, “I beseech you to smite that non-Christian Mormon Romney and tear down Senator McCain whose last name even bears the mark of Cain, a traitor who has slain his Republican brothers with his so called straight talk express.” “I am not really worried about the Democrat candidates,” Huckabee said, “as all members of that party are all going to be left behind to roast in the mighty fires of hell. It’s the wayward anti-Christ Republicans who are the most formidable foe.”

BUSH BUDGET: CUTS ALL GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS EXCEPT DEFENSE AND BORDER PATROL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON- President George W Bush submitted his eighth and final budget to Congress today. The three trillion dollar budget eliminated all governmental programs except defense and a new program to protect US borders.

“As the decider,” the President said, “I decided to budgicate all of our monies where it’s most important such as the war on terror where we surgicated to a success in the Iraq war and the other money goes to border security where we will have my good friends from Dubai to protecticate our borders after we have all them Mexicans build a huge wall of China between us and Mexico before we say ‘adios amigos’ and send them home for good.”

“The President’s bold new budget,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “will eliminate tax payer money from being wasted on things such as Medicare which is for people who are clearly past their utility to society and the economy and the elimination of money for children’s health care which is clearly the responsibility of the parents and not government. These cuts will allow us to preserve the most important of all American values – that rich people are entitled to keep all of their money.”

BUSH ON REPORT OF HIS ADMINISTRATION’S FALSE STATEMENTS LEADING TO IRAQ WAR: THEY’RE LYING ABOUT THE NUMBER OF LIES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Earlier in the week, the Center for Public Integrity issues a report that claimed that top Bush administration officials made 935 false statements about Iraq’s alleged national security threat to the United States in the two years after 9/11. The Bush administration had been silent about this report until today, as President Bush said, “Those report folks are lyicating about the number of lies we had to tell to get me to be a popular mission accomplished war President with political capital to spendicate. This is a large administration,” he continued, “and when we got to the bottom of the barrel about us we could only count 934 untrue lies, not 935, so since they were lying about the number of our lies, you can’t believe them about anything, now can you?”

“The whole idea about these slight untruths,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “is that they are being blown out of proportion by the liberal media. Remember, this President did not lie about serious subjects such as sex, which are the kind of lies that can get you impeached. Bush administration lies are the kind that should have been true.”

“We can’t let the enemies of the state, such as truth get in the way of our war on terror,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed bunker, “In fact, if you will, thanks to our tireless patriotic efforts, the truth is in its final throes.”

ROMNEY CHALLENGES McCAIN TO A DUEL
By R J Shulman
LOS ANGELES – Shortly after their televised debate ended at the Ronald Reagan Library, Mitt Romney and John McCain began a heated argument that ended when Romney challenged McCain to a “good old-fashioned manly duel.” “I think they were arguing about who could kill more people in wars if they were the President,” said Clive Haggerty, a CNN staffer who was dismantling equipment when he heard the two candidates yelling at each other. “Romney said McCain was too old to pull the trigger,” Haggerty said, “Then McCain popped a few pills, I think they were Viagra, and then said he’d start by killing all of Romney’s freaking Mormon wives, but he didn’t actually say freaking, if you know what I mean. Then next think you know they were choosing weapons.”

“If I should be the loser,” Romney told the Sun Times Post Dispatch,” I told John to make sure to keep the Iraq war going strong, cut taxes to the rich and say bad things about Hillary.” The duel will be carried by VH1 in an episode of their reality show, “America’s Next Top Super President.”

“A duel is less costly than putting on all those primaries,” said an approving Ron Paul. “Whoever bites the bullet,” said Mike Huckabee, “I know where they’re going and it won’t involve harps and clouds.” “I guess I quit one week too early,” said Rudy Giuliani, “as I’d like to shoot both of those lily-livered sons-a-bitches.”