ROMNEY SUSPENDS CAMPAIGN UNTIL HE CAN DETERMINE HIS REAL POSITION ON ISSUES
By R J Shulman
BOSTON – Mitt Romney announced today that he is suspending his campaign until he can figure out his real position on the issues. “I am not cut and running from my campaign for myself,” he told a crowd of supporters, “I am cut and running for America. The last thing we need in a time of war,” he continued, “is a candidate with more money than brains and more positions than the Kama Sutra.”

“It’s for the best,” said Norm Rawlings, a Romney spokesperson, “he was for reproductive rights, then against abortions, he favored gays in the boy scouts, then he wanted to string them up. He needs a little time to figure out where he stands. While he may have had many stances on the issues,” said Rawlings, “at least, he never can be accused of having a wide stance.”