FLORIDA REPUBLICAN PRIMARY MELTDOWN: GORE DECLARED WINNER, RECOUNT DEMANDED
By R J Shulman
MIAMI – What started out as a routine exercise in citizens selecting a candidate to represent their party in the Presidential race ended in a dispute of major proportions. The exit polls indicated a neck and neck race between John McCain and Mitt Romney, but when the votes were counted, the winner by a mere 537 votes was Al Gore.

“That’s impossible,” said Frank Whitman, a McCain staffer, “Gore is not only not a Republican, he wasn’t even on the ballot.” “We need a recount,” said Mitt Romney, “I didn’t spend a fortune of my own money to buy votes only to have Diebold [the voting machine company] steal my booty.” “We are all headed down to Florida,” said former UN ambassador John Bolton, “to make sure all of the votes get counted.”

There were scattered reports of some voters being blocked from casting their votes. “I got myself to the polling place to vote,” said Farley Grant of Jacksonville, “but when I got there they said I was so white that my name could not be detected on the white paper it was written on, you know the list of eligible voters.”

Ty Simms, a spokesman for Al Gore said, “Al has no objection to counting all the votes, but believes that the Supreme Court will once again stop a recount.”