The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Friday, November 14, 2014
TOUCHDOWN! ROSETTA’S PHILAE PROBE SUCESSFULLY LANDS ON KIM KARDASHIAN’S ASS
by R J Shulman
PTSD News Service – ESA’s Rosetta mission has successfully soft landed on Kim Kardashian’s massive backside, the first time in history that such an amazing feat has been performed. After a seven hour descent onto the surface of Kardashian’s posterior, cheers arose from those that worked on the mission when they received the news that a signal that confirmed the successful landing was simultaneously received at NASA listening stations in Madrid, Spain, Malarque, Argentina and South Beach, Florida.
“Our ambitious Rosetta mission has secured a place in the history books, not only is it the first to rendezvous with a Kardashian, but now it is the first to deliver a landing on a Kardashian buttocks,” said a jubilant Jean-Jacques Dordian, ESA’s Director General. “And besides, it has certainly redefined the term ‘moon landing.’”
The historic event was captured on film by fashion photographer Jean Paul Goude will be shown in its entirety in the latest issue of Paper Magazine.
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
ELECTION POSTMORTEM - IT IS NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE…
by R J Shulman
SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – When I was much younger, a good friend of mine named Stu told me that the measure of being successful was not whether you win or lose, it’s how you shift the blame. At the time, I laughed and thought that Stu was a funny guy. After yesterday’s midterm election, I think that Stu was a brilliant guy.
The Republicans took over the Senate, increased their lead in the House of Representatives, kept some awful governors and added a few new ones, all without presenting one cogent idea of how they would solve the nation’s problems if they were elected to serve the American public. In fact, issues the GOP is known to oppose, such as increasing the minimum wage, supporting cannabis legalization and use, and wanting increased gun background checks were ideas the American public soundly embraced while at the same time embracing the very candidates opposed to those ideas.
This has clearly been a remarkable achievement for the Republican strategists. They knew that Americans were still hurting from the economic crash of 2008 which their policies of deregulation and unfettered speculation and endless wars caused. The jobs that had come back were not as good as the ones that their economic polices gladly helped the ultra-industrialists ship to China. They knew that Americans were sick of the grid-lock they created with their pledge to stop anything Obama wanted to do to leave him without a legacy. They had achieved this unprecedented obstructionism with a record number of filibusters.
But not to worry because all they had to do was to tell the American people again and again through the Fox News Propaganda Network, conservative talk radio and all those politicized churches that all of these problems were the fault of the BLACK man in the White House, and his affirmative support of all those BROWN people who had come over the border illegally, and the fault of the BLACK man in the White House’s support of those BROWN people in the Middle East who were beheading people and installing Sharia Law, and the fault of the BLACK man in the White House’s incompetence that allowed all one of those BLACK people to enter the United States with the Ebola virus and die from it.
Fox might as well have run a permanent headline at the bottom of their screen that said, “PRESIDENT BARACK EBOLA, WHO SPEAKS EBOLICS PLEDGES TO BRING ISIS FIGHERS TO AMERICA TO BEHEAD YOU AND TAKE YOUR JOB. The rest of the gutless, corporate, journalism-free networks would then rush to have some Republican pundit on the Sunday morning news shows, so that the network’s good looking host could ask them just how much President Obama was going to be hurt politically by his failure to stop the rampant epidemic of Ebola that he had allowed to enter the United States while he was out playing golf, giving his wife a fist bumps all while wearing a tan suit.
Here is what is sure to come next. The Republican congress will send President Obama a slew of budgets with heinous cuts to social security, Medicare, and a myriad of social programs while giving great tax breaks and the gift of deregulation to the ultra-wealthy and ultra-industrialists, all of which the majority of Americans would oppose, if they thought about it. The question will be whether Obama will have a Rodney King why-can’t-we-just-all-get-along moment and sign off on these horrendous attacks on working people or whether he will grow a pair and just say no. If he does the former, and the economy gets worse, like all of those Republican ideas will guarantee will happen, the GOP will then shift the blame to President Obama and the Democrats. If it’s the latter, and Obama vetoes these hell-hole ideas, the GOP will shift the blame to President Obama and the Democrats by saying that nothing is getting done due to their unprecedented obstructionism. And the networks will rush to have Republican pundits on their Sunday morning news shows so they can get asked by the network’s good-looking hosts, just how much these poor economic numbers or Presidential obstructionism will hurt the Democrats in the election of 2016. The ink blots on the ballots of the mid-term have not quite dried and the GOP’s next shift has already started.
Yes, Stu, my friend, you were right. In the midterm election, the Republicans have pulled off the greatest shifting of the blame onto others since a certain political party in 1930s Germany said that their country’s woes were caused by certain people who had an annoyingly high opinion of Moses.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
GOODELL SAYS TO COMBAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, TEAMS WILL PLAY WIVES AND CHILDREN IN WEEKLY PRACTICE GAME
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) – In a special announcement today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that starting immediately, all NFL teams must have a weekly scrimmage game in which their opponents will be made up of the players’ wives, girlfriends and children. “In our serious effort to tackle domestic violence at the NFL, we are requiring families to come together, albeit a bit violently, by having wives, girlfriends and children suit up and play their men and fathers in a sudden death quarter of NFL football,” Goodell said. “All regular NFL rules will apply to these games,” he said.
The purpose behind the “Bitches and Brats” Wednesday Night Football is “to help families let off steam and in the process learn how to play well together,” Goodell said. “I got this idea when I finally got to see the video of Ray Rice’s then fiancée’s head hit the elevator wall and thought that if this had happened on the football field, it would not only have been accepted by the American public but viewed as a “great hit,” Goodell said.
“I like it,” Rice said. “I won’t have to worry about hidden cameras anymore when I want to take Janay’s head off as game cameras are always out in the open.” “I am excited to get back on the field knowing that the game I love is where I’ll have an acceptable place to keep my son in line when he starts acting up,” said Adrian Peterson, a running back for the Minnesota Vikings who got into trouble for hitting his son with a switch.
The broadcast rights to Bitches and Brats Wednesday Night Football was reported to have been sold to Fox Sports for $86 Million dollars.
Tuesday, October 07, 2014
GEORGIA GOP DEFENDS STRICT NEW VOTING LAW: A SUCCESSFUL DEMOCRACY NEEDS THE RIGHT PEOPLE VOTING
by R J Shulman
ATLANTA – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican party of Georgia has responded to criticism that their newly passed voter identification laws have targeted certain blocks of voters who traditionally vote for the Democratic Party. “We need to head off possible voter fraud before it happens,” said Charlie “Grand Dragon” Holmes, (R-Valdosta) who sponsored the bill.
The White Wash Clean the Corrupted Voter Rolls Protection Act as it is called, will eliminate from the voting roles anyone who uses the word “axe” instead of ask. “This law does not target black people,” said Holmes, “but keeps people from voting who give away their violent nature by using violent words for normal ones.” Ty Griffin, an African American civil rights activist from Athens, Georgia, disagrees, saying the law does target black voters. “All we are axing is for our right to vote,” Griffin said.
The law also disqualifies anyone from voting who is able to swallow a quart of Taco Bell Fire Sauce without calling for water. “This is not to disqualify Hispanics,” Homes said, “it is just to make sure that people who might be hot headed are not allowed make the important decision of choosing our elected officials.” Homes added that if the person yells, “Agua” or “no mas” they will not only not be allowed to vote, but will be deported.
The new law which requires picture identification, does not allow a person holding a student identification to vote but allows a person with a NRA or gun owner’s permit to vote twice. “It is a sound public policy to limit the influence of those liberal communist professors who have infiltrated our colleges, universities and children’s minds and taken away their ability to vote what they know is right, “Homes said, “and this law is also sound public policy because it gives extra weight to those brave American patriots who freely exercise their God-given Second Amendment right to point a gun at a terrorist or two or someone else if they’ve had a bit too much to drink.”
By a 5-4 vote, the United States Supreme Court upheld the law as Constitutional. “Hell, I wish all the states would adopt this law,” Justice Scalia said in his majority opinion.
Saturday, October 04, 2014
IT IS NOW EASIER TO ENTER THE US WITH EBOLA AND THE WHITE HOUSE WITH A KNIFE THAN TO VOTE IN WISCONSIN AND NORTH CAROLINA
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - A new study conducted by the Pew Institute has revealed that it is more likely that a person will be allowed entry into the United States carrying the Ebola virus than to be allowed to vote in Wisconsin and North Carolina after those state’s new restrictive voter laws were validated by the United States Supreme Court.
“Our study shows that the type of voter identification now required by Wisconsin in addition to the new restrictions on early voting and various other provisions that limit people from voting makes it at least five times harder for a person to successfully vote in Wisconsin than for that same person to successfully jump a fence and enter the White House wielding a knife,” said Ryan Cornish, a Pew Institute researcher. “If Eric Duncan, the man who brought Ebola from Liberia to Texas had used the same ID he used to get into the country to try and vote in North Carolina or Wisconsin, he would have been turned away,” Cornish said.
The study also noted that being able to vote in those states is now more difficult than buying an assault rifle, burning down an air traffic control center, breaking out of a maximum security prison, or surviving a conversation between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian as to which one of them deserves to be more famous.
Thursday, October 02, 2014
ROMNEY: 47% CHANCE I WILL RUN IN 2016
by R J Shulman
GROSSE POINT, Michigan – (PTSD News Service) – In a sit down interview with New York Times reporter Mark Leibovich, former GOP nominee Mitt Romney said that 47% of the American people misunderstood his comment that he didn’t care about 47% of the American people because they were lazy free loaders. “Actually, Mark,” Romney said, “the truth is that I don’ t really care about 99.5% of the American people who are lazier than I am because they have less money than I do, but the number 47 just happened to slip out and then 47% of the media twisted it and used it out of context.”
Romney said that if at least 47% of his staff had told him that 47% of Americans would be appalled by his 47% comment, he would have found 47 ways to have articulated his point better. When asked if he might run for president again, Romney said that since only 47% of the American people still remember how much they hate him, he has a 47% chance he would do better with the voters in 2016.
Romney denied that he has been obsessing on the number 47 and as proof that he no longer thinks about 47 and has moved on, he is concentrating on 47 other issues including that 47% of Republicans think the party needs new ideas for 2016 and that there are 47 reasons why he is the best new idea for the GOP. “This time if I ran for President, I would put my 47% comment behind me because there is a 47% possibility that 47 is not my lucky number.”
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
KANSAS PASSES ANTI-ABORTION LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR A WOMAN TO REFUSE TO HAVE SEX
by R J Shulman
TOPEKA, Kansas – (PTSD News Service) – Kansas has just passed the nation’s most restrictive anti-abortion law which makes it illegal for a woman to say no to a man who makes it known to her that he wants to have sexual relations. The bill’s sponsor, Peter Spermwald (R-Hayes) said that, “the Bible says be fruitful and multiply, so it is clearly against our most cherished held religious beliefs to cause a possible baby to die when a woman refuses to let a man perform his God-given duty.”
“It is time we stop being bullied by the godless radical liberal socialists into calling it lust when a man desires a woman,” said Governor Sam Brownback, who signed the bill into law, “when it is the most righteous thing to do. We should just call it God’s calling.” “The extra bonus of this law is that it will end the discussion of whether or not Obamacare covers contraceptives as those are now outlawed as being abortion devices,” said State Senator Dick Smalley of Wichita, “not to mention that it will make rape laws irrelevant as now in Kansas her no legally means yes.”
This is just another right wing white Christian male attempt at controlling women’s bodies,” said Dorothy Toto, a women’s rights activist from Overland Park, Kansas. “This state has gone so crazy it’s like I am not in Kansas anymore.”
The bill, called the Get Lucky Religious Freedom Act passed mostly along party and gender lines.