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Sunday, October 12, 2014
GOODELL SAYS TO COMBAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, TEAMS WILL PLAY WIVES AND CHILDREN IN WEEKLY PRACTICE GAME
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) – In a special announcement today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that starting immediately, all NFL teams must have a weekly scrimmage game in which their opponents will be made up of the players’ wives, girlfriends and children. “In our serious effort to tackle domestic violence at the NFL, we are requiring families to come together, albeit a bit violently, by having wives, girlfriends and children suit up and play their men and fathers in a sudden death quarter of NFL football,” Goodell said. “All regular NFL rules will apply to these games,” he said.
The purpose behind the “Bitches and Brats” Wednesday Night Football is “to help families let off steam and in the process learn how to play well together,” Goodell said. “I got this idea when I finally got to see the video of Ray Rice’s then fiancée’s head hit the elevator wall and thought that if this had happened on the football field, it would not only have been accepted by the American public but viewed as a “great hit,” Goodell said.
“I like it,” Rice said. “I won’t have to worry about hidden cameras anymore when I want to take Janay’s head off as game cameras are always out in the open.” “I am excited to get back on the field knowing that the game I love is where I’ll have an acceptable place to keep my son in line when he starts acting up,” said Adrian Peterson, a running back for the Minnesota Vikings who got into trouble for hitting his son with a switch.
The broadcast rights to Bitches and Brats Wednesday Night Football was reported to have been sold to Fox Sports for $86 Million dollars.
Tuesday, October 07, 2014
GEORGIA GOP DEFENDS STRICT NEW VOTING LAW: A SUCCESSFUL DEMOCRACY NEEDS THE RIGHT PEOPLE VOTING
by R J Shulman
ATLANTA – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican party of Georgia has responded to criticism that their newly passed voter identification laws have targeted certain blocks of voters who traditionally vote for the Democratic Party. “We need to head off possible voter fraud before it happens,” said Charlie “Grand Dragon” Holmes, (R-Valdosta) who sponsored the bill.
The White Wash Clean the Corrupted Voter Rolls Protection Act as it is called, will eliminate from the voting roles anyone who uses the word “axe” instead of ask. “This law does not target black people,” said Holmes, “but keeps people from voting who give away their violent nature by using violent words for normal ones.” Ty Griffin, an African American civil rights activist from Athens, Georgia, disagrees, saying the law does target black voters. “All we are axing is for our right to vote,” Griffin said.
The law also disqualifies anyone from voting who is able to swallow a quart of Taco Bell Fire Sauce without calling for water. “This is not to disqualify Hispanics,” Homes said, “it is just to make sure that people who might be hot headed are not allowed make the important decision of choosing our elected officials.” Homes added that if the person yells, “Agua” or “no mas” they will not only not be allowed to vote, but will be deported.
The new law which requires picture identification, does not allow a person holding a student identification to vote but allows a person with a NRA or gun owner’s permit to vote twice. “It is a sound public policy to limit the influence of those liberal communist professors who have infiltrated our colleges, universities and children’s minds and taken away their ability to vote what they know is right, “Homes said, “and this law is also sound public policy because it gives extra weight to those brave American patriots who freely exercise their God-given Second Amendment right to point a gun at a terrorist or two or someone else if they’ve had a bit too much to drink.”
By a 5-4 vote, the United States Supreme Court upheld the law as Constitutional. “Hell, I wish all the states would adopt this law,” Justice Scalia said in his majority opinion.
Saturday, October 04, 2014
IT IS NOW EASIER TO ENTER THE US WITH EBOLA AND THE WHITE HOUSE WITH A KNIFE THAN TO VOTE IN WISCONSIN AND NORTH CAROLINA
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - A new study conducted by the Pew Institute has revealed that it is more likely that a person will be allowed entry into the United States carrying the Ebola virus than to be allowed to vote in Wisconsin and North Carolina after those state’s new restrictive voter laws were validated by the United States Supreme Court.
“Our study shows that the type of voter identification now required by Wisconsin in addition to the new restrictions on early voting and various other provisions that limit people from voting makes it at least five times harder for a person to successfully vote in Wisconsin than for that same person to successfully jump a fence and enter the White House wielding a knife,” said Ryan Cornish, a Pew Institute researcher. “If Eric Duncan, the man who brought Ebola from Liberia to Texas had used the same ID he used to get into the country to try and vote in North Carolina or Wisconsin, he would have been turned away,” Cornish said.
The study also noted that being able to vote in those states is now more difficult than buying an assault rifle, burning down an air traffic control center, breaking out of a maximum security prison, or surviving a conversation between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian as to which one of them deserves to be more famous.
Thursday, October 02, 2014
ROMNEY: 47% CHANCE I WILL RUN IN 2016
by R J Shulman
GROSSE POINT, Michigan – (PTSD News Service) – In a sit down interview with New York Times reporter Mark Leibovich, former GOP nominee Mitt Romney said that 47% of the American people misunderstood his comment that he didn’t care about 47% of the American people because they were lazy free loaders. “Actually, Mark,” Romney said, “the truth is that I don’ t really care about 99.5% of the American people who are lazier than I am because they have less money than I do, but the number 47 just happened to slip out and then 47% of the media twisted it and used it out of context.”
Romney said that if at least 47% of his staff had told him that 47% of Americans would be appalled by his 47% comment, he would have found 47 ways to have articulated his point better. When asked if he might run for president again, Romney said that since only 47% of the American people still remember how much they hate him, he has a 47% chance he would do better with the voters in 2016.
Romney denied that he has been obsessing on the number 47 and as proof that he no longer thinks about 47 and has moved on, he is concentrating on 47 other issues including that 47% of Republicans think the party needs new ideas for 2016 and that there are 47 reasons why he is the best new idea for the GOP. “This time if I ran for President, I would put my 47% comment behind me because there is a 47% possibility that 47 is not my lucky number.”
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
KANSAS PASSES ANTI-ABORTION LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR A WOMAN TO REFUSE TO HAVE SEX
by R J Shulman
TOPEKA, Kansas – (PTSD News Service) – Kansas has just passed the nation’s most restrictive anti-abortion law which makes it illegal for a woman to say no to a man who makes it known to her that he wants to have sexual relations. The bill’s sponsor, Peter Spermwald (R-Hayes) said that, “the Bible says be fruitful and multiply, so it is clearly against our most cherished held religious beliefs to cause a possible baby to die when a woman refuses to let a man perform his God-given duty.”
“It is time we stop being bullied by the godless radical liberal socialists into calling it lust when a man desires a woman,” said Governor Sam Brownback, who signed the bill into law, “when it is the most righteous thing to do. We should just call it God’s calling.” “The extra bonus of this law is that it will end the discussion of whether or not Obamacare covers contraceptives as those are now outlawed as being abortion devices,” said State Senator Dick Smalley of Wichita, “not to mention that it will make rape laws irrelevant as now in Kansas her no legally means yes.”
This is just another right wing white Christian male attempt at controlling women’s bodies,” said Dorothy Toto, a women’s rights activist from Overland Park, Kansas. “This state has gone so crazy it’s like I am not in Kansas anymore.”
The bill, called the Get Lucky Religious Freedom Act passed mostly along party and gender lines.
Monday, September 29, 2014
REPUBLICANS IN FIGHT OVER WHETHER TO IMPEACH OBAMA BECAUSE HE UNDERESTIMATED OR OVER ESTIMATED ISIS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service – Republicans are engaged in a heated debate that threatens to tear the party in two over whether President Obama should be removed from office because he overestimated ISIS or underestimated them. Some more traditional Republicans, such as Speaker of the House John Boehner favor impeaching President Obama because he underestimated the strength of ISIS. “Obama should have gone to war with the ISIS terrorists much earlier,” Boehner said, “which is clearly an impeachable offense.”
However, Tea Party members have a different view. “That audacious tyrant has overstepped his authority when he overestimated the strength of ISIS and started bombing them,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, “and that is clearly an impeachable offense.”
There is a war going on in the Republican Party on this issue,” said Wade Intuit, a Washington based political analyst, “but the good news is that Republicans never met a war they didn’t like.”
Friday, September 26, 2014
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – President Obama announced today that after serious review of his strategy to combat ISIL, he has re-prioritized the order of which countries the United States will bomb to protect American interests. “We originally thought that it was best to combat the war on terror by bombing ISIL in Syria, but realized that Syria should really be 35th on our list of countries to bomb,” Obama said, “So to more efficiently combat this war on terror, we will shift to the targets on the list I have just approved.”
The new bombing list, in order or which countries will be bombed is as follows:
United Arab Emirates
When told that this list had nothing to do with terrorism, but was a list in order of the countries that have more oil reserves than the United States, Obama reiterated that the new bombing order had everything to do with the war on terror. “And, I don’t just mean the terror faced by American drivers who could pull up to empty pumps at gas stations,” Obama said, “but the sheer terror of the patriotic oil companies whose profits might be compromised by not having full control over those oil reserves.”