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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

GOP TO INVITE “NEW” SHAH OF IRAN TO ADDRESS CONGRESS

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD NEWS Service) – After inviting Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak before Congress on US-Iranian relations in defiance of President Obama’s constitutional power to conduct foreign policy, Republicans have been emboldened to do it again. Speaker John Boehner has issued an invitation to Crown Prince Reza Pahlavi, whose father, the former Shah of Iran was deposed in 1979.

“We want the new Shah to tell the American people why Obama’s approach of negotiating with Iranian Islamic terrorists is wrong and that the best way to insure that Iran does not develop nuclear weapons is to use our military might to re-install the Iranian monarchy that was illegally overthrown by the Ayatollah Khomeini during the Carter Administration.,” Boehner said.


Reza Pahlavi is scheduled to address Congress on March 19th.  Some Democrats have said they will boycott the session.  However, Republicans are anxiously awaiting Pahlavi’s visit.  “We may not be able to turn Obama into a white man,” Boehner said, “but perhaps we can force him to govern like one.”

Monday, March 02, 2015


 
 
 
 
 
 

GOP LEADERS DIVIDED ON WHETHER TO DEFUND HOMELAND SECURITY DUE TO OBAMA NOT RESCINDING HIS IMMIGRATION ORDER OR THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD NEWS Service) – House Republicans face a problem when they will attempt later this week to try and keep the Department of Homeland Security open. They are deeply divided, as some want to shut the DHS if Obama does not agree to reverse his executive order on immigration while some want the President to overturn the Emancipation Proclamation.

In a vote Friday afternoon, Speaker John Boehner’s original plan to fund the DHS for three weeks crashed and burned, as a group of ultra-conservatives said they would hold firm on forcing the President’s hand.  Representative John Jordan (R-Ohio) said, “there is no point in protecting the country if there is nothing worth protecting.  This country has been going steadily downhill since Lincoln freed the slaves.”

GOP leadership is hoping that a shutdown of DHS will be blamed on Obama and the Democrats.  “We sincerely want Homeland Security funded,” said Boehner, “it’s not our fault if Obama won’t agree to either kick the dreamers out of the country so that they can work for slave wagers or simply allow real slave wages here in America.  We have convinced more than half of the American people that Obama is the most divisive President when it comes to race relations, so we should be able to convince them that defunding DHS is his fault, too.”

Boehner has just four days to get his party to agree on which path they will take. “Once we get past this immediate funding issue we can get to our compromise bill,” Boehner said, “where DHS gets funded only if Obama admits he was born in Kenya, resigns and moves to Benghazi.”   However, there seems to be dissention among the more conservative members regarding this bill, as they say they want the President to also agree to overturn Obamacare, the Civil Rights Act, the First Amendment’s separation between church and state and admit that he and not the serpent convinced Eve to take that bite out of that apple.

Thursday, February 26, 2015


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
GIULIANI: OBAMA LOVES IRAN, MEXICO AND ISIS MORE THAN AMERICA, CANDADA AND ISRAEL

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Doubling down on his statement that President Obama doesn’t love America, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, at a press conference promoting his new book, “Shame on Anyone Who Exploits 9-11,” said that the president’s veto of the Keystone XL Pipeline shows that he not only hates America, but despises Canada as well.  “I am deeply troubled,” Giuliani said, “the Obama doesn’t talk about his love for apple pie and maple syrup as much as President Regan did.  How ironic that this president will block the desperately needed oil from our Canadian friends from the north, but throws open the gates for illegal Mexicans to pour in from the south.”

Giuliani said, “Obama’s decision to negotiate with Iran, his failure to send troops to fight ISIS, who he refuses to all Islamic Muslim religious turban wearing terrorists will surely lead to another 9-11. I hope there will not be another 9-11,” Giuliani said, “but just in case there is another 9-11, I have a new book and speaking tour already planned if another 9-11 should occur.  Did I mention there could be another 9-11?”

The former mayor also said that Obama’s failure to be present when Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses Congress is proof that he loves Islamic terrorists more than he loves Jews. “I don’t care if he wasn’t invited or informed of the visit,” Giuliani said, “Obama should have blown up a few mosques in honor of Netanyahu’s visit.”

Giuliani denied that he has been attacking President Obama to promote his book and speaking tour. “Saying that I’m saying all these things about the president for my own personal gain is as false as Obama’s birth certificate and to find out just how false it is, you can buy my book on Amazon or a book store near you.”

Thursday, February 19, 2015













JEB BUSH: I WILL FINISH MY BROTHER’S WAR THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO FINISH MY FATHER’S WAR

by R J Shulman

CHICAGO – (PTSD News Service) – Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush on Wednesday promised that he was his own man right after he announced that he had hired almost all of his brother’s and father’s political, economic and military advisors to help him with his campaign.  Jeb said, “Unlike my brother, George, who waged war for only about 80% of his presidency, I am committed to 100%.”

In a surprise comment, Jeb brought up the subject of war crimes saying that “the only possible way a president can be charged with war crimes is if the president commits the crime of not waging enough war.”  Jeb added, “and we all know which foreign-born Muslim Halliburton hating, Bechtel bashing, Raytheon ripping, America loathing president has been guilty of that.”   Bush further criticized the Obama administration for allowing America to “lose its place as the world leader in striking fear into the hearts of its opponents.  The only thing to fear,” Jeb said, “is not enough fear itself.”

Bush told reporters that he is on target to raise enough money for his war chest to be able to “explode, decimate and blow away” all of his rivals for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.  “You want shock and awe,” he said, “I’ve got your shock and awe right here.” 

Bush cut short the question and answer period saying, “there is no need to continue because whatever the question, war is the answer.”    

Thursday, December 18, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
CHENEY SUPPORTS OBAMA ON CUBA: WE CAN NOW EXPAND GUANTANAMO

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney told Fox News tonight that he welcomes President Obama’s move toward normalizing relations between the United States and Cuba.   “Having the cooperation rather than the opposition of the Cuban government would make it much easier to expand our operations at Guantanamo Bay.  Just think of how much more interrogations of the enhanced kind we could accomplish at that facility after we are able to expand the base ten fold.”


“We have a bit to learn from the Cuban communists when it comes to getting information from prisoners,” Cheney told Fox News’ Brit Hume.  “And I am looking forward to not only learning their techniques but to personally try them out on our enemy combatants, whether they came from Iraq, Afghanistan or Ferguson, Missouri.”   Dismissing critics of ending the 53 year-old Cuban embargo, Cheney said, “the pros of improving our skills at interrogating outweighs the fact that the Castro brothers are still in power.  And even if the new relationship has a few bumps, what’s a few fingernails and water boards between friends?”

 
 A new ABC poll indicates that the American public supports Cheney’s position, as 59% say they favor expanding Guantanamo to get the information needed to fight terrorism.  The same poll also shows that Americans by a two to one margin want the next director of Homeland Security to be Jack Bauer of the TV show “24.”

Thursday, December 11, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
CHENEY BLASTS REPORT AS SHOWING ONLY NEGATIVE SIDE OF TORTURE

by R J Shulman


NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Last night on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney ripped into the recently released report that detailed the brutal methods used by the United States on detainees that not only violated basic human rights and numerous international laws, but netted little or no useful information.   Cheney said, “This is one of the most politically biased reports yet from the criminal Obama Administration.”

 
Chaney said that the report, “completely ignores all of the positive aspects of the use of enhanced interrogation techniques.  “First,” Cheney said, “if we end government sanctioned torture, it will end the career path for high school bullies.  They would end up on local police forces and we all know how that has been working out lately.   Second, you cannot underestimate just how much pleasure I and a few close friends derive from hurting and humiliating those people.  Am I not supposed to be able to pursue my happiness?  That is protected by the US Constitution, bub.  Besides, not one Christian was injured in the filming of enhanced interrogations.”

 
“But most importantly,” Cheney pointed out to Fox TV host Brit Hume, “torture works.  The report was hopelessly incomplete because no one bothered to interview, Jack Bauer of “24” and other experts in the movies and TV on just how necessary it is to rip, kick, shock, pry, castrate, and drown the important information out of slimy terrorists, not to mention the great deterrent that torture is.  Were the World Trade Center Towers attacked again after we started to water board the hell out of those bastards and did any crazed Islamic terrorists invade Sheboygan, Wisconsin after we tied up a few bad guys and attached electrodes to their privates, and did any brain washed Muslim plant a shoe bomb in Mrs. Dinkle’s apple pie that she lovingly baked for her grandchildren in Independence, Missouri?  The answer is ‘hell to the no’ and a giant ‘no’ to countless other attacks that surely would have occurred on American soil if we hadn’t enhanced the crap out of interrogation methods,” Cheney said.


Cheney told Fox News that he does not regret anything he did and said the focus should be on Obama who should be charged with war crimes for deliberately exposing America’s war crimes.  “Screw Obamacare and balls on Behghazi,’ Cheney said.  “Release Gate is clearly an impeachable offense.”

 
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld later told Fox News that, “there are the known knowns about the terrorists and their plans, and there are the unknown knowns, but the most frightening thing of all are the unknown unknowns out there and using torture was the best way to get to know these unknown unknowns.   Did I tell you that one detainee even admitted that Gigli was his favorite movie of all time?  Now, I ask you, could you get that kind of admission with unenhanced interrogation methods?  Now that’s a ‘no’- a known, known answer for sure.”

 
Former President George W. Bush so far has not commented on the Senate’s release of the torture report.  A spokesman for Bush said the former President’s silence on the matter is not so much that he has nothing to say about the report, but more due to the fact that Bush is currently tied up still trying to finish reading The Pet Goat.

 
Clarkson W. Painter, a political science professor at Princeton University said, “I don’t know why the use of enhanced interrogation by the Bush Administration should shock or surprise anyone.  After all, it is not a great leap for George W Bush to jump from torturing the English language to torturing detainees.”

Friday, November 14, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
TOUCHDOWN! ROSETTA’S PHILAE PROBE SUCESSFULLY LANDS ON KIM KARDASHIAN’S ASS
by R J Shulman


PTSD News Service – ESA’s Rosetta mission has successfully soft landed on Kim Kardashian’s massive backside, the first time in history that such an amazing feat has been performed.   After a seven hour descent onto the surface of Kardashian’s posterior, cheers arose from those that worked on the mission when they received the news that a signal that confirmed the successful landing was simultaneously received at NASA listening stations in Madrid, Spain, Malarque, Argentina and South Beach, Florida.


“Our ambitious Rosetta mission has secured a place in the history books, not only is it the first to rendezvous with a Kardashian, but now it is the first to deliver a landing on a Kardashian  buttocks,” said a jubilant Jean-Jacques Dordian, ESA’s Director General.  “And besides, it has certainly redefined the term ‘moon landing.’”


The historic event was captured on film by fashion photographer Jean Paul Goude will be shown in its entirety in the latest issue of Paper Magazine.