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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
CHENEY SUPPORTS OBAMA ON CUBA: WE CAN NOW EXPAND GUANTANAMO

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney told Fox News tonight that he welcomes President Obama’s move toward normalizing relations between the United States and Cuba.   “Having the cooperation rather than the opposition of the Cuban government would make it much easier to expand our operations at Guantanamo Bay.  Just think of how much more interrogations of the enhanced kind we could accomplish at that facility after we are able to expand the base ten fold.”


“We have a bit to learn from the Cuban communists when it comes to getting information from prisoners,” Cheney told Fox News’ Brit Hume.  “And I am looking forward to not only learning their techniques but to personally try them out on our enemy combatants, whether they came from Iraq, Afghanistan or Ferguson, Missouri.”   Dismissing critics of ending the 53 year-old Cuban embargo, Cheney said, “the pros of improving our skills at interrogating outweighs the fact that the Castro brothers are still in power.  And even if the new relationship has a few bumps, what’s a few fingernails and water boards between friends?”

 
 A new ABC poll indicates that the American public supports Cheney’s position, as 59% say they favor expanding Guantanamo to get the information needed to fight terrorism.  The same poll also shows that Americans by a two to one margin want the next director of Homeland Security to be Jack Bauer of the TV show “24.”

Thursday, December 11, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
CHENEY BLASTS REPORT AS SHOWING ONLY NEGATIVE SIDE OF TORTURE

by R J Shulman


NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Last night on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney ripped into the recently released report that detailed the brutal methods used by the United States on detainees that not only violated basic human rights and numerous international laws, but netted little or no useful information.   Cheney said, “This is one of the most politically biased reports yet from the criminal Obama Administration.”

 
Chaney said that the report, “completely ignores all of the positive aspects of the use of enhanced interrogation techniques.  “First,” Cheney said, “if we end government sanctioned torture, it will end the career path for high school bullies.  They would end up on local police forces and we all know how that has been working out lately.   Second, you cannot underestimate just how much pleasure I and a few close friends derive from hurting and humiliating those people.  Am I not supposed to be able to pursue my happiness?  That is protected by the US Constitution, bub.  Besides, not one Christian was injured in the filming of enhanced interrogations.”

 
“But most importantly,” Cheney pointed out to Fox TV host Brit Hume, “torture works.  The report was hopelessly incomplete because no one bothered to interview, Jack Bauer of “24” and other experts in the movies and TV on just how necessary it is to rip, kick, shock, pry, castrate, and drown the important information out of slimy terrorists, not to mention the great deterrent that torture is.  Were the World Trade Center Towers attacked again after we started to water board the hell out of those bastards and did any crazed Islamic terrorists invade Sheboygan, Wisconsin after we tied up a few bad guys and attached electrodes to their privates, and did any brain washed Muslim plant a shoe bomb in Mrs. Dinkle’s apple pie that she lovingly baked for her grandchildren in Independence, Missouri?  The answer is ‘hell to the no’ and a giant ‘no’ to countless other attacks that surely would have occurred on American soil if we hadn’t enhanced the crap out of interrogation methods,” Cheney said.


Cheney told Fox News that he does not regret anything he did and said the focus should be on Obama who should be charged with war crimes for deliberately exposing America’s war crimes.  “Screw Obamacare and balls on Behghazi,’ Cheney said.  “Release Gate is clearly an impeachable offense.”

 
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld later told Fox News that, “there are the known knowns about the terrorists and their plans, and there are the unknown knowns, but the most frightening thing of all are the unknown unknowns out there and using torture was the best way to get to know these unknown unknowns.   Did I tell you that one detainee even admitted that Gigli was his favorite movie of all time?  Now, I ask you, could you get that kind of admission with unenhanced interrogation methods?  Now that’s a ‘no’- a known, known answer for sure.”

 
Former President George W. Bush so far has not commented on the Senate’s release of the torture report.  A spokesman for Bush said the former President’s silence on the matter is not so much that he has nothing to say about the report, but more due to the fact that Bush is currently tied up still trying to finish reading The Pet Goat.

 
Clarkson W. Painter, a political science professor at Princeton University said, “I don’t know why the use of enhanced interrogation by the Bush Administration should shock or surprise anyone.  After all, it is not a great leap for George W Bush to jump from torturing the English language to torturing detainees.”

Friday, November 14, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
TOUCHDOWN! ROSETTA’S PHILAE PROBE SUCESSFULLY LANDS ON KIM KARDASHIAN’S ASS
by R J Shulman


PTSD News Service – ESA’s Rosetta mission has successfully soft landed on Kim Kardashian’s massive backside, the first time in history that such an amazing feat has been performed.   After a seven hour descent onto the surface of Kardashian’s posterior, cheers arose from those that worked on the mission when they received the news that a signal that confirmed the successful landing was simultaneously received at NASA listening stations in Madrid, Spain, Malarque, Argentina and South Beach, Florida.


“Our ambitious Rosetta mission has secured a place in the history books, not only is it the first to rendezvous with a Kardashian, but now it is the first to deliver a landing on a Kardashian  buttocks,” said a jubilant Jean-Jacques Dordian, ESA’s Director General.  “And besides, it has certainly redefined the term ‘moon landing.’”


The historic event was captured on film by fashion photographer Jean Paul Goude will be shown in its entirety in the latest issue of Paper Magazine.   

Wednesday, November 05, 2014


ELECTION POSTMORTEM - IT IS NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE…

by R J Shulman

 

SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – When I was much younger, a good friend of mine named Stu told me that the measure of being successful was not whether you win or lose, it’s how you shift the blame.  At the time, I laughed and thought that Stu was a funny guy.  After yesterday’s midterm election, I think that Stu was a brilliant guy. 

 

The Republicans took over the Senate, increased their lead in the House of Representatives, kept some awful governors and added a few new ones, all without presenting one cogent idea of how they would solve the nation’s problems if they were elected to serve the American public. In fact, issues the GOP is known to oppose, such as increasing the minimum wage, supporting cannabis legalization and use, and wanting increased gun background checks were ideas the American public soundly embraced while at the same time embracing the very candidates opposed to those ideas.

 

This has clearly been a remarkable achievement for the Republican strategists.  They knew that Americans were still hurting from the economic crash of 2008 which their policies of deregulation and unfettered speculation and endless wars caused.  The jobs that had come back were not as good as the ones that their economic polices gladly helped the ultra-industrialists ship to China.  They knew that Americans were sick of the grid-lock they created with their pledge to stop anything Obama wanted to do to leave him without a legacy.  They had achieved this unprecedented obstructionism with a record number of filibusters.  

 

But not to worry because all they had to do was to tell the American people again and again through the Fox News Propaganda Network, conservative talk radio and all those politicized churches that all of these problems were the fault of the BLACK man in the White House, and his affirmative support of all those BROWN people who had come over the border illegally, and the fault of the BLACK man in the White House’s support of those BROWN people in the Middle East who were beheading people and installing Sharia Law, and the fault of the BLACK man in the White House’s incompetence that allowed all one of those BLACK people to enter the United States with the Ebola virus and die from it.

 

Fox might as well have run a permanent headline at the bottom of their screen that said, “PRESIDENT BARACK EBOLA, WHO SPEAKS EBOLICS PLEDGES TO BRING ISIS FIGHERS TO AMERICA TO BEHEAD YOU AND TAKE YOUR JOB.   The rest of the gutless, corporate, journalism-free networks would then rush to have some Republican pundit on the Sunday morning news shows, so that the network’s good looking host could ask them just how much President Obama was going to be hurt politically by his failure to stop the rampant epidemic of Ebola that he had allowed to enter the United States while he was out playing golf, giving his wife a fist bumps all while wearing a tan suit.

 

Here is what is sure to come next.  The Republican congress will send President Obama a slew of budgets with heinous cuts to social security, Medicare, and a myriad of social programs while giving great tax breaks and the gift of deregulation to the ultra-wealthy and ultra-industrialists, all of which the majority of Americans would oppose, if they thought about it.  The question will be whether Obama will have a Rodney King why-can’t-we-just-all-get-along moment and sign off on these horrendous attacks on working people or whether he will grow a pair and just say no.   If he does the former, and the economy gets worse, like all of those Republican ideas will guarantee will happen, the GOP will then shift the blame to President Obama and the Democrats.  If it’s the latter, and Obama vetoes these hell-hole ideas, the GOP will shift the blame to President Obama and the Democrats by saying that nothing is getting done due to their unprecedented obstructionism.  And the networks will rush to have Republican pundits on their Sunday morning news shows so they can get asked by the network’s good-looking hosts, just how much these poor economic numbers or Presidential obstructionism will hurt the Democrats in the election of 2016.  The ink blots on the ballots of the mid-term have not quite dried and the GOP’s next shift has already started.

  

Yes, Stu, my friend, you were right.   In the midterm election, the Republicans have pulled off the greatest shifting of the blame onto others since a certain political party in 1930s Germany said that their country’s woes were caused by certain people who had an annoyingly high opinion of Moses.

Sunday, October 12, 2014












GOODELL SAYS TO COMBAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, TEAMS WILL PLAY WIVES AND CHILDREN IN WEEKLY PRACTICE GAME

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) – In a special announcement today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that starting immediately, all NFL teams must have a weekly scrimmage game in which their opponents will be made up of the players’ wives, girlfriends and children.  “In our serious effort to tackle domestic violence at the NFL, we are requiring families to come together, albeit a bit violently, by having wives, girlfriends and children suit up and play their men and fathers in a sudden death quarter of NFL football,” Goodell said. “All regular NFL rules will apply to these games,” he said.

The purpose behind the “Bitches and Brats” Wednesday Night Football is “to help families let off steam and in the process learn how to play well together,” Goodell said.  “I got this idea when I finally got to see the video of Ray Rice’s then fiancée’s head hit the elevator wall and thought that if this had happened on the football field, it would not only have been accepted by the American public but viewed as a “great hit,” Goodell said.

“I like it,” Rice said.  “I won’t have to worry about hidden cameras anymore when I want to take Janay’s head off as game cameras are always out in the open.”   “I am excited to get back on the field knowing that the game I love is where I’ll have an acceptable place to keep my son in line when he starts acting up,” said Adrian Peterson, a running back for the Minnesota Vikings who got into trouble for hitting his son with a switch.


The broadcast rights to Bitches and Brats Wednesday Night Football was reported to have been sold to Fox Sports for $86 Million dollars.

Tuesday, October 07, 2014


GEORGIA GOP DEFENDS STRICT NEW VOTING LAW: A SUCCESSFUL DEMOCRACY NEEDS THE RIGHT PEOPLE VOTING


by R J Shulman
 

ATLANTA – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican party of Georgia has responded to criticism that their newly passed voter identification laws have targeted certain blocks of voters who traditionally vote for the Democratic Party.  “We need to head off possible voter fraud before it happens,” said Charlie “Grand Dragon” Holmes, (R-Valdosta) who sponsored the bill.
 

The White Wash  Clean the Corrupted Voter Rolls Protection Act as it is called, will eliminate from the voting roles anyone who uses the word “axe” instead of ask.  “This law does not target black people,” said Holmes, “but keeps people from voting who give away their violent nature by using violent words for normal ones.”   Ty Griffin, an African American civil rights activist from Athens, Georgia, disagrees, saying the law does target black voters.  “All we are axing is for our right to vote,” Griffin said.
 

The law also disqualifies anyone from voting who is able to swallow a quart of Taco Bell Fire Sauce without calling for water.  “This is not to disqualify Hispanics,” Homes said, “it is just to make sure that people who might be hot headed are not allowed make the important decision of choosing our elected officials.”   Homes added that if the person yells, “Agua” or “no mas” they will not only not be allowed to vote, but will be deported.
 

The new law which requires picture identification, does not allow a person holding a student identification to vote but allows a person with a NRA or gun owner’s permit to vote twice.  “It is a sound public policy to limit the influence of those liberal communist professors who have infiltrated our colleges, universities and children’s minds and taken away their ability to vote what they know is right, “Homes said, “and this law is also sound public policy because it gives extra weight to those brave American patriots who freely exercise their God-given Second Amendment right to point a gun at a terrorist or two or someone else if they’ve had a bit too much to drink.”
 

By a 5-4 vote, the United States Supreme Court upheld the law as Constitutional.  “Hell, I wish all the states would adopt this law,” Justice Scalia said in his majority opinion.

Saturday, October 04, 2014













IT IS NOW EASIER TO ENTER THE US WITH EBOLA AND THE WHITE HOUSE WITH A KNIFE THAN TO VOTE IN WISCONSIN AND NORTH CAROLINA

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  A new study conducted by the Pew Institute has revealed that it is more likely that a person will be allowed entry into the United States carrying the Ebola virus than to be allowed to vote in Wisconsin and North Carolina after those state’s new restrictive voter laws were validated by the United States Supreme Court.

“Our study shows that the type of voter identification now required by Wisconsin in addition to the new restrictions on early voting and various other provisions that limit people from voting makes it at least five times harder for a person to successfully vote in Wisconsin than for that same person to successfully jump a fence and enter the White House wielding a knife,” said Ryan Cornish, a Pew Institute researcher.  “If Eric Duncan, the man who brought Ebola from Liberia to Texas had used the same ID he used to get into the country to try and vote in North Carolina or Wisconsin, he would have been turned away,” Cornish said.


The study also noted that being able to vote in those states is now more difficult than buying an assault rifle, burning down an air traffic control center, breaking out of a maximum security prison, or surviving a conversation between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian as to which one of them deserves to be more famous.