The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
SECRET DOCUMENTS REVEAL CAITLYN JENNER CHANGED GENDER TO BE FIRST OFF SINKING SHIP IF TRUMP ELECTED PRESIDENT
by R J Shulman
LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the text of a tweet from Caitlyn Jenner that was never sent, when she was still a he, telling a close friend he was terrified of a Trump presidency. The tweet read, “If that pompous orange jerk becomes president, America will surely go down like a sinking ship, and as you know, it’s women and children first.”
Jenner has denied that she wrote that message or changed her gender to give her preferential treatment in case of a disaster requiring Americans to abandon ship. However, a source close to Jenner said he remembers that Bruce was distraught when he learned Trump might throw his hat in the presidential ring. The reliable source said, “A little after his divorce, Bruce said to me, ‘I am crushed by the betrayal of that two-timing media whore because the little bitch is nothing more than a major slut who would do anything for attention and I don’t mean my ex-wife Kris, but that blow-hard who lives at the top of Trump Towers.’”
Jenner was not available for comment, but the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that she has purchased a life jacket and a house in Toronto.
TRUMP SAYS AS PRESIDENT HE WILL USE NUKES ONLY ON THOSE WHO INSULT HIM
by R J Shulman
TRUMP TOWERS – (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to calm fears that he would be trigger happy, Donald Trump told Fox News, “just because I could push the button doesn’t mean I would. Of course, if Megyn Kelly hadn’t made nice, she would be on my list, along with anyone who doesn’t give me the news coverage or respect I deserve.”
Trump said he had no plans to bomb North Korea,” because Kim Jong whatever his name is I can respect because he has a huge ego, although not as huge as mine. But I can tell you this. I will threaten Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days until he pees in his pants just to prove what a mature individual I am.”
Trump did not disclose whether he would use nuclear weapons on the states that did not vote for him in the general election, saying, “that’s as secret at my tax returns which I will disclose only after Hillary discloses that she is a communist lesbian who personally ordered Islamic terrorists to kill all Americans in Benghazi and personally murdered Vince Foster, JFK and Jesus and sent the hugest top secret American secrets to Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days. Only then will I disclose my tax returns.”
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
DNC LIVID OVER MASSIVE STASH OF INVISIBLE CHAIRS FOUND AT SANDERS’ HEADQUARTERS
by R J Shulman
BURLINGTON, Vermont – (PTSD News Service) – The Democratic National Committee called for an emergency meeting today to address the recent discovery of over 2,500 invisible chairs hidden in a back room of Bernie Sanders’ headquarters in his home state of Vermont. “We knew he and his supporters were planning to disrupt the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia,” said DNC Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, “but we had no idea of the extent of violence planned, as evidenced by the sheer number of invisible chairs amassed by the senator’s avid supporters who were sure to let them fly at the convention.”
“At least Donald Trump can dodge those rocks and bottles thrown at him, like George W. Bush could get out of the way of that wayward shoe,” Schultz said, “but how can you possibly defend yourself from an invisible chair heading straight for your face?” Schultz added, “just like Nevada is a testing ground for lethal weapons at places like Area 51, we had a feeling Nevada might be the place where Sanders would launch his invisible chairs at real Democrats. We just had no idea his scheme was so far advanced.”
“We are not going to take Bernie’s invisible chairs sitting down,” said Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton, “so I am calling again for Senator Sanders to fold his invisible chairs and his campaign before anyone gets hurt and on the way out to tell Donald Trump he should suspend his campaign too, because the numbers show I have already won the presidency.”
“What is so ironic is that we were going to offer him a place at the table, but his invisible chair attack ended that,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer.
The DNC has not decided what action they might take against Sanders, although a high ranking Democratic official said Sanders’ punishment for stockpiling so many invisible chairs would be something between blocking his campaign from accessing its voter lists until after the California primary to pulling the legs out from under his campaign altogether.
A Sanders’ spokesperson denied that the senator or his followers were planning anything violent but warned that if the DNC tried to discipline Bernie, that Schultz and the rest of the DNC would be sure to “feel the chair.”
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
TRUMP SAYS HIS LIST OF SUPREME COURT NOMINEES WAS ONLY A SUGGESTION; NOW LEANS TOWARD FORMER CELEBRITY APPRENTICE CONTESTANTS
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Almost immediately after issuing a list of possible Supreme Court nominees to replace the late Antonin Scalia should he be elected president, Donald Trump told Fox News that those names were “just a suggestion to appease the religious right-out-of-their-minds faction of the Republican party who don’t have a clue about TV ratings.” Trump said, “I am considering nominating former contestants from my hugely rated Celebrity Apprentice show, such as Gary Busey, Snooki Pulizzi or La Toya Jackson who would be much more entertaining than a bunch of stuck in the mud uptight losers who couldn’t get dates in high school. Can you imagine Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister trying to rule on transgender bathrooms when he himself is always in the wrong restroom? How about Dennis Rodman trying to determine in invading North Korea was legal when he was practically worshiped there?”
“Besides,” Trump said, “I wouldn’t want anyone on the Supreme Court that I hadn’t fired at least once.” Trump did hint that he might nominate Anita Hill to the bench, “just to see the look on Clarence ‘Uncle Thomas’’ face.”
Monday, May 16, 2016
TRUMP TO PICK KIM KARDASHIAN AS VP; FEELS HE WASN’T GETTING ENOUGH PRESS COVERAGE
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump announced today that he will select Kim Kardashian as his vice presidential running mate. “The press has been so unfair to me with their practical black out of my huge hands-on campaign, so I picked Kim, who’s no dog, mind you, to give me a fighting chance to make it into the news cycle.”
When questioned about Kardashian’s lack of leadership experience, Trump said, “Are you kidding? A great leader has followers and by time she takes office she would have more followers on Twitter than George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan combined when they took office.”
“I’m relieved that Donald chose Kim Kardashian,” said Ken Jautz, Executive VP at CNN, “Now we can downsize our reporting crew as we won’t have to cover any story other than the Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian march to the White House.”
The news of the Trump-Kardashian ticket exploded all over the media which wiped out any news coverage of the stories that World War III had started in the Balkans, a new incurable virus that threatens to wipe out all humanity was accidentally released by the CDC in Times Square, and a transgender woman may have used the wrong bathroom in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, only minutes after an innocent young child left that very same bathroom.
Friday, May 13, 2016
SOUTHERN STATES SECEDE FROM UNION OVER BATHROOM FREEDOM EDICT
by R J Shulman
CHARLESTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News) – Shots were fired today at Fort Sumter to mark the secession of South Carolina from the Union. “We are sick and tired of northern agitators like Obama trying to free our bathrooms so that anyone can use whatever restroom they want, regardless of the one they were assigned to by Jesus,” said South Carolina State Senator Reb Stonewall.
Within hours, nine other states, including Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, North Carolina, Florida, Texas, Tennessee, Virginia and Arkansas followed suit to form the Commode States of America. The CSA declared Richmond, Virginia as its capital and named a temporary head, Jefferson Davis IV, who said, “If we can’t stand up for proper bathroom usage, we are not really men.”
“We can’t let a bunch of people with New York values try and tell us what is important about our bathrooms, when we know full well down here what our number one and number two problems are,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who reinstated his presidential bid, although this time to lead the CSA.
“I feel relieved that we finally were able to move in the direction to dump the federal government’s obstructionist directives, because I couldn’t hold it in much longer,” said South Carolina Lt. Governor Max Flushing. “Those liberals were about to send our traditional values right down the toilet.”
Jefferson said the first order of business would be to reinstate colored bathrooms because, “we still haven’t forgiven you yanks for making us get rid of those.” Jefferson ended by saying, “taking control of our facilities will show the world that the South will rise again.”
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
TRUMP TO SETTLE DISPUTE WITH RYAN BY COMPARING HAND SIZE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – House Speaker Paul Ryan insisted that the goal of his upcoming meeting with presumptive Republican presidential nominee is not a peeing contest or a manhood comparison, but to unify the party by finding out once and for all who has bigger fingers. Trump agreed, saying, “after the meeting everyone will see that not only do I have huger hands, but I have the bestest words.”
Ryan said there may be room for minor differences within the GOP because, “the party has a big tent as there are still a lot of white people left in America,” but he hopes Trump will voluntarily adopt the will of the people, meaning the agenda of the Koch brothers, because, “as a billionaire like the Kochs, Trump should know by now what is best for him.”
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
GOP ELITE OUTRAGED BY TRUMP ACTUALLY VOICING THEIR REAL POSITIONS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In an unprecedented season of political intrigue in the presidential primaries, scores of high profile members of the GOP are angry with presumptive nominee Donald Trump for forgetting to be politically correct. “How dare he blurt out hatred for Mexicans and Muslims instead of using our standard dog whistle comments about securing our borders,” said former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who was soundly defeated by Trump.
“It is so disgusting for Trump to have made our position clear about treating women as second class citizens by belittling them, when all he had to do was say he favors traditional family values,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who was soundly defeated by Trump.
“How stupid of him to encourage bullies at his rallies to pound on the weak, when all he had to do was say that America must be the strongest country on earth to deal with undesirable countries,” said Senator Marco Rubio, who was soundly defeated by Trump.
“How moronic of Trump to accept endorsements from white supremacists which looks bad when all he had to do was say he supports law enforcement, hates hoodies and that all lives matter,” said former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who was soundly defeated by Trump. Agreeing with Perry, former President George H. W. Bush said, “Trump should have avoided any appearance of being a racist by things he says off the cuff, when all he had to do was run a Willie Horton type ad right before the general election.”
But obviously, most Republicans have not found Trump’s message shocking as he has crushed the competition which once numbered sixteen other candidates. As one typical long-time Republican voter and Trump supporter, Billy Joe Bobb of Dust Stump, Georgia said, “It’s about time one of our leaders spoke my mind.”