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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, October 14, 2017
















SATIRE ALERT*

BETSY DE VOS DISMANTLES DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, DECLARES THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH LEARNING IN PUBLIC EDUCATION
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  US Secretary of Education Betsy De Vos announced that she will make major cuts to public education. “I was shocked to learn that teachers were in favor of teaching facts and even worse, critical thinking to the masses and we just can’t have that,” De Vos told Fox News. “It was my understanding they were teaching the children of those people trades, you know stuff like how to be maids, golf caddies, errand boys, or how to fix my Mercedes Benz.”
“I blame this on the teachers’ unions and the brain washing going on at the hands of subversive left-wing college professors,” said De Vos. “We’re looking at closing down those institutions that have adopted such liberal admission policies as to let just anyone attend.”
De Vos, who has been a champion of vouchers and charter schools, explained that her support of school choice has been misunderstood. “When I advocate school choice, what I mean is that those people should be able to choose whether to go to school at all as they might be better served to go straight to employment at Walmart and McDonald's,” said De Vos. “Just think of all the tax cuts we can give the deserving if we don’t have to waste money trying to fill the heads of the undeserving with socialistic propaganda,” De Vos said.  



*This Post Times Sun Dispatch or PTSD News Report is not real news, fake news or even Fox News, but is presented as a service to assist those trying to keep their sanity in this age of bullies, liars, con-men, thieves, ego maniacs, mean bastards, greedy bastards, hedonistic sexual predators, narcissists, misanthropes, miscreants, sociopaths, psychopaths, racists, misogynists, war mongers, Nazis, fascists, climate change deniers, health care deniers, idiots, cretins, imbeciles, morons, fucking morons, dotards, asshats and just plain bastards, and that’s just the guy in the White House, not to mention Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz and the rest of the wholly oligarch-owned Republicans and the hate talk radio echo chamber of horrors and other colluding anti-democratic, anti-American fools who think that rich white males simply don’t have enough money or privilege.


Friday, October 13, 2017


















SATIRE ALERT*

TRUMP DETERMINED TO OBLITERATE OBAMA’S LEGACY EVEN IF IT OBLITERATES THE PLANET
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – He doesn’t just want to reverse his predecessor’s accomplishments, Donald Trump is out to erase Barack Obama from history.  “Today, I signed an executive order to kill Obamacare and if millions of Americans die because they now won’t be able to get health care, that is just collateral damage just like the millions who will die because I pulled out of the Paris Accord and the Iran Nuclear deal because reversing Obama is more important than life itself,” Trump said.

Trump then laid out some of the steps he will take to neutralize Obama:
·       * I will burn down the White House and have it rebuilt by unpaid Polish workers so no one will ever be able to sleep in the house that Obama did.
·       *I will issue an executive order retroactively declaring that Hawaii was never a part of the United States so if it turns out that Obama was not born in Kenya, his birth in Hawaii would still make him ineligible to be a US president.
·       *  I will certify that a recount has determined that McCain and Romney won the elections of 2004 and 2008 making them president and not the other guy.
·        * I will outlaw the use of the letters “O” “B” “A” and “M” so no one can ever spell the name of you know who.

Trump ended by writing, “t*ke th*t, y*u *itches.”


*This Post Times Sun Dispatch or PTSD News Report is not real news, fake news or even Fox News, but is presented as a service to assist those trying to keep their sanity in this age of bullies, liars, con-men, thieves, ego maniacs, mean bastards, greedy bastards, hedonistic sexual predators, narcissists, misanthropes, miscreants, sociopaths, psychopaths, racists, misogynists, war mongers, Nazis, fascists, climate change deniers, health care deniers, idiots, cretins, imbeciles, morons, fucking morons, dotards, asshats and just plain bastards, and that’s just the guy in the White House, not to mention Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz and the rest of the wholly oligarch-owned Republicans and the hate talk radio echo chamber of horrors and other colluding anti-democratic, anti-American fools who think that rich white males simply don’t have enough money or privilege.


Thursday, October 12, 2017











TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER RETURNING PUERTO RICO TO SPAIN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump signed an executive order he called “the Puerto Rico Traditional Heritage Repatriation Act,” returning Puerto Rico to Spain and stripping Puerto Ricans of their US Citizenship.  “Who knew there was a part of the United States full of people who don’t speak English?” Trump said, “but one of the wonderful things that came from the hurricane is that now we know there is an island completely surrounded by water that you can’t drive trucks to with boat loads of people who claim to be Americans but don’t look or sound like real ones.”

“I am calling home those US personnel and aid workers from continuing the best storm response in the history of the universe,” Trump said. “because it is not my fault that those people chose to live in the path of a huge storm.”


“Any place where my golf course would go bankrupt does not speak well for those people and speaking of not speaking well, how could Obama allow all those so-called Americans on that island speak Spanish?  Robert Mueller should be investigating that instead of looking at all the fake news about my ties to Russia.  I’d say more, but I owe Vladimir a call and he gets cranky if I’m late.”  

Wednesday, October 11, 2017












TRUMP TAPS WEINSTEIN AND COSBY TO HEAD NEW COUNCIL ON WOMEN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a move he touted as both bipartisan and pro-diversity, Donald Trump named Democratic Party donor Harvey Weinstein and African American comedian Bill Cosby as co-directors of the Feminine National Defense League, or FNDL, (pronounced fon-dle) a new government commission on women’s affairs.  “The chicks will see that I’m not anti-broad now that I have given the OK to FNDL,” Trump tweeted. “In fact, I may be so inclusive as to date dames who are not quite tens, and what better way for ugly girls to aspire to improve their looks so that they can date me than to get help from Harvey and Bill, two gentlemen whose vast knowledge and huge hands-on experience about babes is nothing short of touching.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “this bold move by the president should grab everyone’s attention and put to bed all the fake news that the president disrespects the weaker sex.”


“This latest callous act by the misogynistic moron in the White House has left even me groping for words,” said attorney Gloria Allred, who has represented women who have alleged sexual abuse, “Trump’s brazen and unprecedented behavior is another reason he should be un-presidented ASAP.” 

Tuesday, July 25, 2017



















TRUMP PARDONS ASSOCIATES, FAMILY, AND SELF AND DECLARES HIMSELF A SAINT

by R J Shulman

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pennsylvania (PTSD News Service) -  At a rally of his cheering supporters in this suburb northwest of Philadelphia, President Trump announced today that he was pardoning all of his associates, his family members and himself from any crimes, “imagined by the fake news witch hunters, shameful partisans and other losers.  Believe me, this huge pardon extends to anything at all including any future crime that I or anyone loyal to me could possibly be accused of in the future, but any pardon I may have given to Jeff Sessions, James Comey or Wikileaks is hereby taken back.”

The President also said that he granted sainthood to himself saying, “since I am the commander in chief and in charge of all the cannons, then it only makes sense that I can canonize myself and besides, where in the Constitution does it say someone has to be dead to become a saint or say a president needs a rabbi to declare him a saint?”


The President said that he took the steps to pardon himself and declare himself a saint to keep his main campaign promise to “Make Trump Great Again.”

Friday, July 07, 2017













TRUMP THANKS PUTIN FOR HIS INTEREST IN AMERICAN DEMOCRATIC PROCESS
by R J Shulman

HAMBURG, Germany – (PTSD News Service) – In a meeting that took over two hours, President Donald Trump praised Russian President Vladimir Putin for showing “a sincere interest in learning the ins and outs of the way Americans vote for their supreme leader.” Trump said, “I only wish that Americans would show such a focused interest in performing their civic duty so that next time a greater voter turnout will give me a greater margin of victory,” Trump said. 

“Because President Putin has been so gracious in reaching out to touch American democracy,” Trump said, “America has agreed with Russia to a cease fire in Syria with the eventual removal of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, which would most likely happen when Assad either dies or annoys Russia, bigly.”

While some doubted that Trump would bring up the issue of Russian hacking in America, the President addressed it head on by saying he was convinced that Putin “couldn’t have hacked in America, because unlike those bad hombre Islamic drivers running dangerous terrorist taxis all over New York City, Vladimir does not have a valid hack license.”   


Trump also wanted to remind Americans that Russia is a great source of power in the fight to defeat ISIS as well as a powerful source for obtaining mail order brides.

Thursday, May 18, 2017















DUMP TRUMP FROM YOUR MIND - BUMP TRUMP FROM YOUR THOUGHTS 
OR ALL IS LOST
by R J Shulman

(Santa Fe) PTSD News Service) -  There is a truly magnificent old George Jones song called He Stopped Loving Her Today which for this discussion I have paraphrased into I Stopped Thinking Trump Today, but unlike the song, I am not doing that because I kicked the bucket.  I am doing that to keep my sanity.  So as of today, I don’t care about his Russian connections, his firing of the FBI director who was investigating him, I don’t give a flying fig about his massive conflicts of interest, his obstruction of justice, his wife who sounds like a Russian spy, his associates who are Russian spies, his running of the oval office like a reality TV show, his awful voice or his tiny, tiny insignificant cheeto penis.  This buffoon asshat has had more than his allotted 15 minutes of fame, taking the spotlight away from millions and millions of more deserving persons and I am not going to add to the Trump spotlight, except to explain why I stopped thinking Trump today.  

First, short of the orange child-king resigning because he gets bored or hangs it up by saying “who knew being President was hard,” his lowness is not going to be removed before his term is up.  There is a Republican House and even if the Dems flip it in 2018 there is no way the Democrats will pick up a two thirds majority in the Senate to remove the Egomaniac Prince from the now tainted Oval Office.  Besides even if the burning Trumpster was somehow removed, we would have something worse, a massive pee pee in charge, as in President Pence, a sociopathic serial liar who is much better at hiding his mental illness and hence Pence is more dangerous than the overweight over the hill apprentice maker.

As the various and sundry Republican presidential candidate wannabees learned, when they attacked Trump or talked about him, the Conman just got stronger.  Hillary should have learned this, that the Egomeister sucks all the energy out of the room.  But for some unfathomable reason she decided to repeat Trumps defeated fellow GOPers by not running on the fabulous Democratic Platform that polls show over 60% of Americans agreed with, but instead branded herself as the “I am the not-Trump candidate.”  We never knew what the hell she stood for except she didn’t like Trump. And what the hell did “I’m with Her” or “Better Together” mean anyway?”  Was that referring to “I’m Stupid and I’m with Her” or “better get it together because I’m not?” I do not want to hear one more Hillary whiner say that she won by almost three million votes.  If she ran a campaign on the issues in the Dem platform, the issues that energized a whole new generation of voters, instead of her lame-ass “Look How Bad Trump Is and vote for me because I am not the Orangutan Monster,” she would have won by over six million votes.  When you win by that much, no Comey letter, no Russian fake news, no big-time faker like Jill Stein, and no GOP voter suppression can overcome such margins.  Just ask Barack Hussein Obama, the black Muslim socialist gun-grabbing African who somehow won two presidential elections.  The election was the Hill’s to lose and lose it she did. 

Trump told us a truth when he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue in New York City and not lose any votes.  So, I believe him, just as I believe that no amount of complaining when he shoots holes in the Constitution or wounds the environment or whatever crazy shit he does will stop him from being the biggest vacuum in the room – he sucks and sucks and sucks out all the air until there is nothing left standing but Modern Mussolini.  So, I, and I hope you will stop thinking and taking about the fat turd who wants to turn the White House white again and concentrate on what we need to do to prevent our little experiment in a democratic republic from turning into the ultra-rich man’s amusement park that it is fast becoming.

We have a two-party system whether we like it or not and that means that the only effective opposition must come from the Democratic Party.  The Dems must drop the strategy that has been, “well the GOP gets money from the top 1% so we better do the next best thing and get money from the next best 1%.”  The Democratic wing of the Democratic party must retake the reins of party power.  If the Repuglicans are the party of the top 1%, then it makes sense that the Democrats should be the party of the 99%.   The Democrats should know how to do it, it’s in their DNA.  They need to look no further than a most unlikely candidate, a craggy old New York Socialist Jew representing a state with the second or third smallest population of any state, as state that is more like Canada than the rest of the US, who almost won the Democratic nomination, a guy named Bernie Sanders.  He talked about the real divide in this country.  Hint: it is not between Conservatives and Liberals, the North and the South, the blacks and the whites (although there are certainly legitimate issues here that will require a lot of work to fix), between Christians and Muslims, gun lovers and gun haters, supporters of Left Twix or Right Twix or drinkers of Bud versus snobs who like beer from some boutique brewery in Seattle.  The real divide is between the richest 1% and the rest of us.  So, whether you like the Dodgers or the Yankees, the Cowboys or the New England Patriots, and unless you own those teams, you and I are on the same team.  The Democrats and Independents and anyone else who does not want rich people to run their lives and to suck out the rest of their meager earnings and property from them, need to make sure that the Democrats run on the issues that matter such as fair wages for doing decent jobs, free college education, concern about climate change, universal health care, and the chance for a person to attain the fast fading American dream, no matter what category that person falls into.  So, I implore you to ignore the clown ignoranus (not a typo) in chief who is turning the presidency into a three-ring tent, (who said elephants in a circus are passé?) and concentrate on making sure your Democratic representatives in government and that rarest of endangered species, the moderate Republican are able to stop the totally sold out GOP ass-kissers from pushing through the 1%’s wet dream legislation.  So instead of thinking about a certain elephant, infiltrate the Democratic party and start spreading the news, the Democrats are the party of the people and the GOP, well they represent only the oligarchs.

So as I was saying, I Stopped thinking of what’s his name today.