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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014


CUT BY RAVENS, RAY RICE NOW RECRUITED BY ISIS


By R J Shulman


BALTIMORE – (PTSD News Service) – In a video that authorities say is authentic, an ISIS spokesman announced that the Islamic terrorist organization wants a new team member, disgraced running back Ray Rice.  “It is refreshing to see that there are some Americans who understand the sacred place of women,” the spokesman said.  “We could also use some of his $25 million in our battle against the infidels.”


Reports have surfaced that the Taliban in Afghanistan and the most extreme Christian fundamentalist groups here in the United States may soon also make an offer to Rice.  While Rice did not say if he would accept ISIS’s offer, he did say that “if my damn fiancée had only covered her face in that elevator, I wouldn’t have had all of this trouble and I would be beating up on those hapless Browns in Cleveland on September 21st.”

Sunday, September 07, 2014


 
 
 
 
 
  
FORMER VIRGINIA GOVERNOR McDONNELL CONVICTED OF CORRUPTION; ANNOUNCES BID FOR GOP PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION

by R J Shulman

RICHMOND, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell was found guilty of 11 counts of corruption and bribery by a federal grand jury.  Almost immediately, he announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring for the Republican presidential nomination to run in 2016.

“Heck, if Rick Perry’s mere indictment for abuse of power propelled him into the limelight and has given him traction in his bid for the presidency,” McDonnel said,  “can you imagine what my actual conviction can do for me?”  McDonnell said that Jesus has forgiven him, even if his wife, also convicted on 9 counts of corruption, hasn’t, and that informed Americans know that a vote for him is a vote against the political tyranny of Barack Obama and a vote for the Bible instead of the Koran.

The news of Perry’s indictment and now McDonnell’s conviction has thrown presidential hopeful Chris Christie from the spotlight.  “If my bridge scandal does not soon turn into a conviction,” Christie said, “my presidential ambitions may be sunk and if so, I may have to make McDonnell and Perry offers that they can’t refuse.”

McDonnell vowed that he would fight his corruption conviction by raising funds from taking all the donations he can from lobbyists who want favors from him when he is president.

Thursday, August 21, 2014














WOMAN CALLS ST. LOUIS STATION SAYING WILSON SHOT BROWN BECAUSE TEEN WAS INFECTED WITH EBOLA VIRUS

by R J Shulman

FERGUSON, Missouri – (PTSD News Service) – Identifying herself as Jamie, a friend of Darren Wilson, the policeman who shot and killed unarmed teenager Michael Brown, a woman called Dana Loesch, a talk show host on KFTK a St. Louis radio station saying that the reason Wilson had to shoot Brown was because Wilson had just heard over his police radio that the teenager had recently visited Monrovia, Liberia, had contracted the Ebola virus and was planning to infect as many people in Missouri as possible.  A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story, saying it agreed with their understanding of the events saying, “Darren Wilson is a hero for fearlessly protecting the public from a dangerous heath risk.”

A few minutes later, a woman who identified herself as Joni, called the radio station saying she was Darren Wilson’s best friend and that the officer shot Brown because Wilson had just learned that the teen was planning a massacre at his high school.   A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story, saying that it was in agreement with their account of the events, saying that “Darren Wilson is a hero. Who knows how many children and teachers lives were saved by Wilson’s fearless action.”

Later on the Dana Show, a caller, who identified herself as Jamie said she was Darren Wilson’s ex-girlfriend and that Wilson shot Brown because the wayward teen was planning to illegally register people to vote in the next election.  A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story as tracking with their understanding of the events saying, “Darren Wilson is a hero.  Without his fearless actions, who knows how many fraudulent votes would have been cast in November.”

The next caller to KFTK identified herself as Jakki, Darren Wilson’s mistress saying that the reason Wilson shot Brown was because the young man was a secret operative for ISIS, the Islamist terrorist group in Iraq and Syria and that Brown had a shoe bomb hidden in his left flip-flop and was planning to blow up the St. Louis Gateway Arch.   A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story as being accurate saying that, “Darren Wilson was a hero.  What would St. Louis be without its famous arch?  Surely, Wilson’s fearless action eliminated the arch enemy of our great gateway city.”


After the next commercial break, a woman called the radio station identifying herself as Jenni, one of Darren Wilson’s split personalities saying that Wilson was justified in shooting Michael Brown because the scary teenager was….

Saturday, August 16, 2014













GOP SET TO PASS LAW MAKING IT ILLEGAL TO ESTABLISH OBAMA PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Speaker of the House John Boehner announced that the first order of business for the House when they return to Washington in September will have nothing to do with creating jobs or addressing immigration issues, but will be to pass a bill called the Freedom Library Anti-Communist Corruption Incentive Directive or FLACCID which will make it illegal for anyone to establish a Barack Obama Presidential Library anywhere in the US.

“It is important to protect the American people from having a shrine built in honor of the most tyrannical, weakest, trigger happy, slow acting president in American history,” Boehner said.  “FLACCID will stop any attempt by Obama and the terrorists he pals around with from spreading pro-Communist anti-American propaganda about our great country.”

“I don’t care if he wants to build some kind of shack library at his birth place in Kenya,” said Michele Bachmann, (R-Minn.), “but allowing Obama to build a library on American soil would be just as blasphemous as that Ground Zero mosque in New York or a Judas library at the site of the manger in Bethlehem.”

“We can’t have our young children’s minds corrupted by all of the hate and racism that Obama has caused,” said Karl Rove.  “Why should there be a library built to honor a president who just by occupying the White House has made people disrespect the office of the president more than any previous president has?”

“I firmly support FLACCID because stopping an Obama library will stop books from being written and published about him that we would just have to use tax payer money to burn later,” said Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.).  

“It goes without question that before there could be an Obama library, the American people would demand that each of the four Americans killed in Benghazi would get a library first,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News.


“We may have failed in our attempt to make Obama a one-term president,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “but if we get FLACCID to happen, we can make sure Obama has no legacy.” 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014













JEB BUSH DECLARES PRESIDENTIAL BID, SAYS HE WILL FINISH THE JOB IN IRAQ HIS FATHER AND BROTHER FAILED TO DO

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida  (PTSD News Service) - Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination for President in 2016.  “With ISIS blowing up Iraq, it means the work there is not done,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference, “and if elected President, unlike my father and brother, I will finish the job in Iraq.”

Unveiling his campaign theme of “Three’s the Charm,” Bush said that as the leader of the free world, nothing would limit him when it came to the weapons he would use to bring peace to Iraq.  “Nuclear, chemical and even biological weapons would not be off the table,” he said.  “In fact, we will use exploding tables if we have to.”

“Daddy failed to take out Saddam Hussein and my older brother failed to take out the rest of Iraq,” Bush said, “America doesn’t just want a war president as W said.  America wants an annihilation president.  And that that goes for puttin’ Putin in his place, too.”

Bush criticized President Obama’s handling of the current Iraqi crisis saying, “you can’t send a community organizer to a community that doesn’t need to be organized, but rather needs to be obliterated.  When I am done with them,” he said, “they will wish it was just the Stone Age I was bombing them back into.”


Polls indicate that Americans prefer a strong leader to a wise one and an ABC Overnight News Poll shows Jeb Bush with at least a 27 percentage point lead over every other possible candidate.

Monday, August 11, 2014


GOP CLAIMS THAT CONSTITUTION SAYS OBAMA ONLY DESERVES THREE-FIFTHS THE RESPECT OF A PRESIDENT


by R J Shulman


WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans have struck back against critics who claim that they have been disrespectful toward President Obama.  “The reason that we have shown less respect to this President than any of the previous ones has nothing to do with his ideas or political party affiliation,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “Our diminished respect has everything to do with the United States Constitution because a strict reading of the original version of Article I, Section 2 says that people of Obama’s background are counted only as three-fifths of a person.”  McConnell added, “that sentence, written with much thought by our founding fathers was unfortunately and illegally removed from the Constitution by Socialist Nazi Communist Muslim Terrorist Community Organizers some time back.”


“Heck, we have given this President more than three-fifths respect,” said Speaker of House John Boehner, “sometimes as much as four-fifths and speaking of fifths, I think I’ll have another.”


“Now, some may claim that a free person must be counted as whole as it said in the Constitution,” said South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, “but when it comes to Obama, he was not born free.  He was born in Kenya and we know that is where a lot of non-free people traditionally came here to Charleston from.”


“The real reason we need to impeach Obama is that it looks like he has the audacity to exceed his authority to serve only his allotted three-fifths of an eight year term as President,” said Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.), “and we just can’t have such unbridled tyranny.”


“In the end it all boils down to what is in the Constitution upon which our great nation was founded,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “and the Constitution said that you count three-fifths of all other persons and Obama is certainly the ‘other.’”

Tuesday, August 05, 2014











CONGRESS GOES ON ITS SUMMER RECESS, NO ONE NOTICES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Congress closed down for its annual summer recess, with barely a notice from the public.  “The only way I realized that congress was gone on vacation was that there were a lot less lobbyists clogging up the intersections,” said Wayne Stanley, who owns a flower shop near the Capitol.

“Why should we notice a difference because they went on vacation?” asked Washington High School history teacher Nancy Spangler.  “After all, they went from doing nothing to doing nothing.”   

I’ve seen a lot more get done by the inhabitants of a graveyard that what was done by this congress,” said Harold Wiggins, a tour guide at the Capitol building.  “And if you think no one noticed when they left for recess, no one will notice when they come back.”


Most recent polls show that a majority of Americans have a higher opinion of a root canal procedure gone horribly wrong than of Congress.   But not every legislator thinks they have failed.  “I got elected on a platform of just how bad government operates,” said Clemson Stierborg (R-MS), “and me and my colleagues have been a complete success at proving my point.”