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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, May 18, 2017















DUMP TRUMP FROM YOUR MIND - BUMP TRUMP FROM YOUR THOUGHTS 
OR ALL IS LOST
by R J Shulman

(Santa Fe) PTSD News Service) -  There is a truly magnificent old George Jones song called He Stopped Loving Her Today which for this discussion I have paraphrased into I Stopped Thinking Trump Today, but unlike the song, I am not doing that because I kicked the bucket.  I am doing that to keep my sanity.  So as of today, I don’t care about his Russian connections, his firing of the FBI director who was investigating him, I don’t give a flying fig about his massive conflicts of interest, his obstruction of justice, his wife who sounds like a Russian spy, his associates who are Russian spies, his running of the oval office like a reality TV show, his awful voice or his tiny, tiny insignificant cheeto penis.  This buffoon asshat has had more than his allotted 15 minutes of fame, taking the spotlight away from millions and millions of more deserving persons and I am not going to add to the Trump spotlight, except to explain why I stopped thinking Trump today.  

First, short of the orange child-king resigning because he gets bored or hangs it up by saying “who knew being President was hard,” his lowness is not going to be removed before his term is up.  There is a Republican House and even if the Dems flip it in 2018 there is no way the Democrats will pick up a two thirds majority in the Senate to remove the Egomaniac Prince from the now tainted Oval Office.  Besides even if the burning Trumpster was somehow removed, we would have something worse, a massive pee pee in charge, as in President Pence, a sociopathic serial liar who is much better at hiding his mental illness and hence Pence is more dangerous than the overweight over the hill apprentice maker.

As the various and sundry Republican presidential candidate wannabees learned, when they attacked Trump or talked about him, the Conman just got stronger.  Hillary should have learned this, that the Egomeister sucks all the energy out of the room.  But for some unfathomable reason she decided to repeat Trumps defeated fellow GOPers by not running on the fabulous Democratic Platform that polls show over 60% of Americans agreed with, but instead branded herself as the “I am the not-Trump candidate.”  We never knew what the hell she stood for except she didn’t like Trump. And what the hell did “I’m with Her” or “Better Together” mean anyway?”  Was that referring to “I’m Stupid and I’m with Her” or “better get it together because I’m not?” I do not want to hear one more Hillary whiner say that she won by almost three million votes.  If she ran a campaign on the issues in the Dem platform, the issues that energized a whole new generation of voters, instead of her lame-ass “Look How Bad Trump Is and vote for me because I am not the Orangutan Monster,” she would have won by over six million votes.  When you win by that much, no Comey letter, no Russian fake news, no big-time faker like Jill Stein, and no GOP voter suppression can overcome such margins.  Just ask Barack Hussein Obama, the black Muslim socialist gun-grabbing African who somehow won two presidential elections.  The election was the Hill’s to lose and lose it she did. 

Trump told us a truth when he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue in New York City and not lose any votes.  So, I believe him, just as I believe that no amount of complaining when he shoots holes in the Constitution or wounds the environment or whatever crazy shit he does will stop him from being the biggest vacuum in the room – he sucks and sucks and sucks out all the air until there is nothing left standing but Modern Mussolini.  So, I, and I hope you will stop thinking and taking about the fat turd who wants to turn the White House white again and concentrate on what we need to do to prevent our little experiment in a democratic republic from turning into the ultra-rich man’s amusement park that it is fast becoming.

We have a two-party system whether we like it or not and that means that the only effective opposition must come from the Democratic Party.  The Dems must drop the strategy that has been, “well the GOP gets money from the top 1% so we better do the next best thing and get money from the next best 1%.”  The Democratic wing of the Democratic party must retake the reins of party power.  If the Repuglicans are the party of the top 1%, then it makes sense that the Democrats should be the party of the 99%.   The Democrats should know how to do it, it’s in their DNA.  They need to look no further than a most unlikely candidate, a craggy old New York Socialist Jew representing a state with the second or third smallest population of any state, as state that is more like Canada than the rest of the US, who almost won the Democratic nomination, a guy named Bernie Sanders.  He talked about the real divide in this country.  Hint: it is not between Conservatives and Liberals, the North and the South, the blacks and the whites (although there are certainly legitimate issues here that will require a lot of work to fix), between Christians and Muslims, gun lovers and gun haters, supporters of Left Twix or Right Twix or drinkers of Bud versus snobs who like beer from some boutique brewery in Seattle.  The real divide is between the richest 1% and the rest of us.  So, whether you like the Dodgers or the Yankees, the Cowboys or the New England Patriots, and unless you own those teams, you and I are on the same team.  The Democrats and Independents and anyone else who does not want rich people to run their lives and to suck out the rest of their meager earnings and property from them, need to make sure that the Democrats run on the issues that matter such as fair wages for doing decent jobs, free college education, concern about climate change, universal health care, and the chance for a person to attain the fast fading American dream, no matter what category that person falls into.  So, I implore you to ignore the clown ignoranus (not a typo) in chief who is turning the presidency into a three-ring tent, (who said elephants in a circus are passé?) and concentrate on making sure your Democratic representatives in government and that rarest of endangered species, the moderate Republican are able to stop the totally sold out GOP ass-kissers from pushing through the 1%’s wet dream legislation.  So instead of thinking about a certain elephant, infiltrate the Democratic party and start spreading the news, the Democrats are the party of the people and the GOP, well they represent only the oligarchs.

So as I was saying, I Stopped thinking of what’s his name today.

Friday, May 05, 2017












GOP HAS ENOUGH VOTES IN FUTURE TO OVERCOME LOSING SUPPORTERS WHO WILL BE KILLED BY TRUMPCARE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  It wasn’t a celebration just because House Republicans killed Obamacare, but because they are confident that even though millions will be thrown off health care and many will die, Republicans will still have enough votes in the foreseeable future to retain control of Congress.  “This is a victory of the ages,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “our research shows that even though most of those who will die because our bill limits health care live in red states, our voter suppression, gerrymandering, fake news as well as voter stupidity will help guarantee we will stay in power.”

“The people who die because of our bill will die gratefully because they know contraceptives will not be covered and that Obama will have no legacy,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “I guess you could call them the grateful dead.” 


While the Congressional Budget Office has not yet reviewed the Republican health care bill, many are going to have to pay higher premiums because insurance giants, UnitedHealthcare and Aetna have indicated that “voting against your own best interest” will be considered a pre-existing condition.  This means that anyone not in the wealthiest 1% who voted Republican can expect a sharp increase in their health care costs.

Wednesday, May 03, 2017















TRUMP PROMISES TO BRING BACK “TERRIFIC” JOBS TO SMITH-CORONA TYPEWRITER FACTORY

by Robert J. Shulman

CORTLAND, New York – PTSD News Service – Boasting of his success in revitalizing the coal industry, President Trump spoke to a small but enthusiastic audience gathered outside a shuttered Smith-Corona factory in this small city in upstate New York vowing to “make America great typists again.  Believe me,” Trump said, “no longer when it comes to the making of typewriters, will anyone be able to say, ‘America is not my type.’”


Trump is in the middle of his “Bring Back the Jobs” tour, with planned stops in Oklahoma City at an old Western Union pay phone both factory and later to an old Studebaker plant in South Bend, Indiana where Trump promised that “I will once again get workers to make the Commander, a great American car that was, of course, named after me.”  Trump critics were quick to point out that the factory used to make the Studebaker Dictator from 1927 until 1937 until the model name was changed to Commander because of the unpopularity of a certain leader in Germany at the time.

Saturday, January 21, 2017


















HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE TRUMP DYNASTY
by Unknown

MOUNTAIN BUNKER, MONTANA -  Today marks one-hundred days since Donald J. Trump took the oath of office in Washington, D. C.  Here are some of the highlights of the first hundred days of the Trump Era.

Trump renames the White House the Trump House.

Trump declares all networks as “fake news” and only grants access to Breitbart News.

Trump declares Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate was fake, saying, “Kenya believe it that all along 
Obama’s birth certificate wasn’t worth the muslin it was printed on.”

Trump changes his catch phrase from “you’re fired” to “you’re dead.”

Trump blames mysterious fire that destroys the US Capitol building on illegal Mexicans, labor unions and Muslims and declares marshal law.

Exxon Mobil gets no bid rights to drill anywhere they hell they please.

Trump’s son marries Putin’s daughter to “consolidate the empires.”

Trump orders the death penalty for anyone who says he is acting like a tyrant.

Trump wins contest with Kim Jung-un as to who has the biggest missile, saying “I’ve got the biggest one, hands down.”

All fast food chains are declared illegal except Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr.

Trump leads military parade complete with nuclear missiles down Broadway in New York to attend the opening of a reworked play called Trumpleton.

Trump keeps promise to save Social Security from greedy Wall Street, but uses funds instead to build 100 statutes of himself in every state and 50 countries around the world.

Trump orders that Italian trains run on time in honor of his favorite Italian leader.

Trump scraps idea to build a wall between the US and Mexico and builds a wall between the US and Canada saying “we must keep those Canuks from illegally entering the US for our great health care system and our low drug prices and besides since I took over, no Mexicans want to come to the US anymore,” however, Trump has no explanation for the hundreds of Americans who are mysteriously found shot dead on the US side of the wall.


Trump suspends the 2020 elections, saying “believe me, they are rigged.  You’ve never seen such rigging since they built clipper ships.”

Sunday, June 26, 2016















ONCE AGAIN PROPOSED GUN SAFETY LAWS SHOT DOWN BY CONGRESS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Democratic lawmakers may have to bite the bullet again and accept the fact that congress will not take aim at laws that allow a person on the terrorist no fly list to buy weapons. “Any straight shooter would have to agree that the NRA has been holding a gun to our head for far too long,” said Representative John Lewis of Georgia who had led a sit-down to protest the inaction of congress to pass gun safety reform, “because every time we try to pull the trigger for any gun regulation, the NRA sends out it’s big guns to fire away at any attempt to help put a silencer on gun violence.”

The NRA had successfully countered Democratic attempts at giving a shot to reforming gun laws by sending out it’s hired guns to put Democratic lawmakers in their cross-hairs and let their bullets fly to stop any gun legislation. “We can’t let some hot shot liberals use the recent shootings in Orlando as ammunition to claim they have the silver bullet to solve violent crime,” said Wayne LaPierre of the NRA, “so we are sticking to our guns, keeping our powder dry and staying loaded for bear to show those gun grabbers just how badly they have missed the bullseye.”


“Once again, we have dodged a bullet by blowing away the gun haters who are so damn trigger happy when they shoot off their mouths with some rapid-fire shotgun approach that supports some half-cocked laws that would strip Americans of their Second Amendment Rights, lock stock and barrel,” said Speaker Paul Ryan, “besides, if America was so gun crazy as these anti-gun  nuts think we are, our language would be riddled with gun metaphors, a belief that is clearly off target, misses the mark and shows not only that they were shooting blanks but the caliber of their misfire.” 

Thursday, June 16, 2016








TRUMP PROMISES VOTERS DIPLOMA FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY IF THEY VOTE FOR HIM

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump said today that he will personally award a college degree from Trump University to anyone who will vote for him in November.  “By voting for me, a person will have proven they know everything that a Trump University education can give them, which is knowing that to be successful in life, you have to pledge complete allegiance to me” Trump said.  

“What I am offering is certainly better than anything crooked Hillary can offer,” he said, “what is Clinton University going to teach you - how to hide emails and force your husband to seek outside bjs?”

Trump said he will also offer voters a free ticket on Trump Airlines, “which never had a plane go down and I’ll throw in a Trump steak which never made anyone sick, both things that Hillary can’t claim about herself,” Trump said.


Trump shrugged off criticism that his offers amount to vote bribery by saying doesn’t the GOP stand for Gobs of Payoffs?”

Thursday, June 02, 2016














BELIEVING CLINTON WILL BE DEM CANDIDATE, RNC GEARS UP WITH CAMPAIGN OF “FACTS THAT WILL F*CK HILLARY”

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) -  The Republican National Committee held a secret strategy meeting to prepare for the upcoming national presidential election by developing a list of stories they will spread with political ads, on national political TV news shows and through their vast array of conservative radio talk show hosts.  “Donald Trump may love the low information voter,” said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, “but who we love more is the wrong information voter.”
The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the top ten items from the “Phony Facts that will F*ck Hillary” list which are as follows:
She’s a man, baby.  Hillary is really Hilliard Rodham who changed genders to be able to go in the little girl’s room when your helpless little daughter is in there.
2.      One of Hillary’s deleted emails reveals she personally ordered ISIS to kill all Americans in Benghazi.
3.      Hillary has plans to confiscate your bibles and beer and replace both with the Quran.
4.      Another deleted Hillary email sent America’s secret nuke codes to both Vladimir Putin and the Taliban.
5.      Hillary peed on Ronald Reagan’s grave, twice.
6.      Hillary plans to outlaw NASCAR.
7.      Hillary will not only encourage same-sex marriage, she will outlaw heterosexual divorce.
8.      Hillary will take your guns and give them to blacks, Muslims, and angry lesbians and especially to black Muslim angry lesbians.
9.      Another deleted Hillary’s email reveals she ordered the Romans to crucify Jesus.
10.  Hillary will ban Viagra.


“Once these facts about Hillary are revealed again and again,” Priebus said, “Hillary couldn’t beat the love child of Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler if they were running as the Republican Candidate which looks like that may be who she will be running against.”