The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) A new Washington Post/ABC News poll shows that slightly more than two-thirds of Americans knowingly lie when they are surveyed by polling organizations.
The study shows that the reasons why people deliberately lie is that 22% are afraid that their real opinion is wrong, 15% are worried that someone in their family who has a different opinion will find out, 14% say they are worried that God will find out they have a different opinion than their preacher, 12% don’t really have an opinion on whether they have an opinion, 11% say what they think Rush Limbaugh would say whether or not they may really have a different opinion, 9% are worried that the government may find out their real opinion and take away their guns, 8% say that they hate Obamacare but they don’t know why, and 5% said that 60% of the time they have trouble with math and the other 60% of the time they don’t, 3% say that they really don’t know anything at all and have no plans to change that and 1% think that polls should only be answered by Polish people.
The poll has a plus or minus 5% chance of error before taking into account whether everyone polled may have been lying.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – For the first time, controversy surrounds the annual presidential pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey. Fox News has just broken the story that Popcorn, the turkey that was pardoned by President Obama, is one that contains only dark meat and turns to the east before he gobbles. “There is undeniable evidence that Obama deliberately ignored pardoning a white meat Christian turkey for an unqualified minority turkey who has been known to pal around with Islamic terrorist turkeys and who has been making inappropriate advances toward other male turkeys,” said Neil Cavuto. “Clearly, with his divisive choice, President Obama has given the American people the bird.”
“What is so bad about this is that Obama’s action is just like Neville Chamberlain appeasing Hitler before World War II. I predict that this pardon is going to be Obama’s Willie Horton,” Cavuto said referring to the convicted murderer whose furlough release by Governor Dukakis probably doomed his presidential campaign. What’s next?” Cavuto asked, “Is this president going to pardon all pigs, cows, squirrels and everything else we get meat from. There is no doubt Obama is trying to turn us all into vegetarian communists.”
Fox is also reporting that hundreds of Americans have had their Butterball turkey orders cancelled right before the holiday. “These new and horrific cancellations are clearly another broken promise of Obamacare,” Cavuto said.
When the House convenes again, Republicans have promised a full scale investigation. “Turkeygate is going to be the last straw,” Darrell Issa (R-Cal) said.
Monday, November 25, 2013
OBAMA’S IRAN AND SYRIAN WEAPONS AGREEMENTS, HIS SUPPORT OF IMMIGRATION REFORM AND FIXING THE ECONOMY ARE NAKED ATTEMPTS TO DISTRACT AMERICANS FROM HIS OBAMACARE DISASTER
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – According to Fox News, you shouldn’t be fooled by Obama’s slight-of-hand deception of trying to lessen tension in the Middle East, fix the economy and solve the immigration problem – they are all a big scam to try and take the heat off the greatest disaster off all time – Obamacare.
“Just because he has gotten an agreement with Iran over their nukes and broken the deadlock between Iran and the US since 1979 and got Syria to admit to and agree to destroy their chemical weapons is small potatoes compared to the horror suffered by Americans whose insurance policy that they like got cancelled,” said Neil Cavuto on Fox. “It’s like Obama put a gun to the head of their most beloved pet and pulled the trigger. I mean, how can you compare the overblown accomplishment of saving the American economy, the ho-humness of staying out of pointless wars to the abject torture that Americans are forced to endure when they have to wait for a slow website to sign them up for insurance? That is like comparing apples to atomic bombs.”
Fox also reported that some people say that the real conspiracy is that Obama deliberately created this health care mess to distract the American people from knowing that he is a foreign born Muslim who is the worst Communist since Hitler bombed Pearl Harbor.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
OBAMA ACCUSED OF LYING ABOUT HIS DOGS; HOUSE TO LAUNCH INVESTIGATION
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Fresh on the heels of claims that he lied when he said that no one would lose insurance policies that they liked, President Obama’s credibility is in question again. During his victory speech in November 2012, Obama said that “for now, one dog is enough,” when discussing his family pet situation. However, it just came to light that the president went back on his word and adopted another Portuguese Water Dog named Sunny, last August.
“The president has proven once again that he is incapable of telling the truth to the American people,” said Darrell Issa (R-CA), “and my investigating committee will now sink our teeth into this meaty issue until we dig up all the dirt surrounding this latest pack of Obama lies. This proves that the president is a dog-gone liar, no bones about it.”
Fox News is giving full coverage to ‘Doggiegate’ as they call it and reports that some people say that the distraction of Obama getting a second dog has caused the president to take his eye off the ball and make major mistakes with Benghazi, the IRS, spying on the Tea Party, becoming a ruthless tyrant and personally creating the disaster that is the Obamacare website. “There is no question,” said Fox News, “that the Obama Administration has gone to the dogs.”
Saturday, November 23, 2013
BUSH PANTS TO GO TO THE SMITHSONIAN
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The heavily charred pants that Former President George W. Bush was wearing when he told the world that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction have finally found a home at the Smithsonian. The controversy over the pants arose when Bush wanted the pants to go on display at the Bush Library in College Station, Texas. However, the Smithsonian made a claim for the item stating that the pants were not only one of the most famous examples of spontaneous combustion, but it was also a part of American history and should reside in the museum in Washington.
The tug of war over the pants was resolved by the Supreme Court in a split decision. Speaking for the majority, Justice Kennedy said that pants were equal to the paper that famous speeches, such as Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address were written on, and as such, gave the Smithsonian a leg up on the Bush Library for possession of the trousers. “When the leader of the Free World, George W. Bush announced that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, the truthfulness of that statement was forever seared into history when the very pants which are the subject of our case, burst into flames.”
While disappointed that his pants would not be on display next to the copy of The Pet Goat he was trying to read to elementary students when the attacks on 9-11 happened, Bush said, “I may be a little hot under the collar about my pants going back to Washington, but if you think I am feeling hotification now, that’s nothing compared to the hot seat I was in when I talked about Saddam’s weapons and those pants suddenly inflammicated.”
Thursday, November 21, 2013
PRESIDENT GOES NUCLEAR AFTER CONFRONTED BY OBAMACARE CRITIC
by R J Shulman
WEEHAWKEN, New Jersey – (PTSD News Service) – President Obama broke away from his usual calm demeanor yesterday after a woman, 39 year-old Selma Wiggins complained to him that her $15 a month insurance plan had been cancelled. The president then asked her what her plan had covered and she said she didn’t know, but that she was very upset that his lying about health care was killing her family. At that point the president screamed in frustration and began the following tirade:
“So you are angry at me because you want to keep your junk policy that covers your ass about as well as a skimpy hospital gown. Forget that I have spent the last five years and my whole political career trying to get morons like you covered by a decent health care plan because now you will get to keep your rip off policy. See if I care if you and your little brats get cancer because from all of the pollution you voted for when you sent the conservative Tea Party imbecile to congress who wants to defund the EPA. See if I give a sh*t when you end up in a coma in the emergency room from an infected hangnail because your bullsh*t plan doesn’t cover doctor’s visits and it bankrupts your ass. And further, to all you ignorant f*ucks in rural areas in the Midwest and South that are hit by tornadoes that flatten your asses you better forget about asking for federal aid to fix up your sh*t because, guess what? You didn’t vote for me. Go ask Romney for help. You voted for that sociopath. He has lots of money that he stole off you dumb asses when his company shipped your jobs to China. And all you cracker ass, KKK, red state racist bastards - there will be no more federal aid to shore up your failing schools and rotting roads, so see how it works out for you when you try to get your little bastards to your falling down schools over cracks and potholes so they can learn all about creationism, abstinence only and that Reagan was God’s second son. And don’t complain about the next mega storm that f*ucks up your sh*t because you voted in some climate change denying, science hating, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging Tea Party dirt bag who can’t wait to deregulate the big polluters to further f*ck up the planet. And you can also forget about your social security, Medicare, Medicaid, and food stamps. You said you want the government out of your lives, so I will grant you your wish. Consider your asses as just having been cut off. See how well you dumb f*ucks do with your less than minimum wage jobs you get for voting in those conservative Tea Party batsh*t crazy maggot-brained ass clowns who think that a minimum wage is communistic. I suggest that you end everybody’s misery by shoving one of your guns up your ass and blowing your brains out because the Lord knows that’s the end of your body he put them in, you hate filled, fearful Fox News watching, ass hat cretin throw-backs. So go ahead and secede from the Union and see what a state full of impotent angry white men who have more bibles and guns than brains or jobs get you. You motherf*cking rednecks are so dumb that even Jesus can’t save you from yourselves. And since you like to have things for whites only, I have programmed my drones to crash upside the heads of you white motherf*ckers and when I run out of drones I will nuke the rest of you racist white supremacist cousin marrying sheep f*cking pud pulling Neanderthals.
Obama then took a deep breath and said to Wiggins, “So in other words, Ms., I am saying that I have agreed to allow you to keep your current policy for one year as long as your insurance company is clear on what is not covered on your policy. Wiggins then replied, “How did you know I have an infected hangnail. Have you been spying on me?”
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
by R J Shulman
APOPKA, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – George Zimmerman is claiming that he needed to “stand his ground” after his girlfriend, Samantha Scheibe “went crazy on him.” In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Zimmerman said, “It all happened right after Samantha asked me if the dress she was wearing made her look fat. I said ‘yes’ which was true and then all hell broke loose. She smashed her glass table, her sunglasses and then gave me an evil look. I was afraid she would use the kitchen floor as a lethal weapon by smashing my head into it, so that is when I had to pull out my gun.”
Zimmerman is currently out on $9,000 bail on the conditions that he does not visit his girlfriend’s house and does not carry a gun. He was appointed a public defender because Zimmerman claimed that he had $150 to his name, yet owed more than $2.5 million.
When asked if talk show host Sean Hannity, who helped him raise thousands of dollars in his defense in the Treyvon Martin case would assist him this time, Zimmerman said that Hannity told him no because this time it was a case where an Hispanic looking male pointed a gun at a white woman and get arrested for it and where is the story or injustice in that?
Zimmerman’s arraignment has been set for January 7, 2013.