The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
NEW QUINNIPIAC POLL FINDS AMERICANS THINK OBAMA THE WORST PERSON SINCE GOLIATH
by R J Shulman
HAMDEN, Connecticut – (PTSD News Service) – A new Quinnipiac University Poll says that more Americans think that Barack Obama is not only the worst US President since World War II, but that he is the worst person in history since Goliath tried to crush David. The results of the poll show that the five persons who Americans think are the worst persons throughout all of history are: Barack Obama 31%, Dracula 28%, Adolf Hitler 13%, Osama Bin Laden 12% and Miley Cyrus 11%.
“Over the span of the entire six-thousand years of human history, Barack Obama finds himself along with Dracula at the bottom of the popularity barrel,” said Tom Malloy, assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Poll.
Fox News criticized the poll saying it was “biased, as all get out,” because Obama was certainly the worst person in history by more than just a narrow margin. Said Fox anchor Megyn Kelly, “There is no way that only three points separate Obama from the second worst person in history. After all, Dracula was not an America hating Kenyan born Muslim, who ordered his terrorist pals to kill four Americans in Benghazi, and then directed the IRS to target Conservative groups, and then lying to the American people by saying that they could keep their doctors under Obamacare, all the while encouraging diseased hoodlums from Central America to illegally enter the United States by promising them full US citizenship and free cell phones. Oh, yeah,” Kelly added, “Dracula never negotiated with terrorists.”
Malloy said that Quinnipiac will be conducting two new polls, one to find out which President Americans believe is the most uppity in history and another poll to find out what they think is the most fitting punishment for Barack Obama.
The New York Times announced that it will soon announce the results from their latest poll which was conducted to determine which President they believe had been targeted the most by all those Quinnipiac University Polls.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
by R J Shulman
OKLAHOMA CITY – (PTSD News Service) – After a favorable ruling by the Supreme Court which upheld the right of their business to deny women certain health care coverage that was otherwise guaranteed under the Affordable Care Act due to the religious objections, Hobby Lobby announced that it will be sending out pink slips to about 5,800 female employees, who the management says, that according to the Bible, should be at home, taking care of their children and obeying the wishes of their husbands.
“We applaud the Supreme Court of the United States for understanding that Christians are the most endangered species in America due to an activist court, and have taken the action to strike down a health care law, that while passed by Congress and signed into law by the President violates our interpretation of what Jesus would do,” said Hobby Lobby founder and CEO David Green. “With that in mind, we believe we have the right to send home wayward women who according to our good Lord and the Baby Jesus should be at home tending to their children and carrying out the wishes of their husbands.”
The list of women who will get pink slips this Friday, July 4th, includes about 73% of all female Hobby Lobby employees, but does not include single unmarried women, who are “not yet the property of their husbands,” Green said. “Our action creates an opening for thousands of jobs,” said Green, “that we will now offer to children, because we believe that the Bible encourages children to work, which invalidates any child labor laws,” Green said. He added that “anyone who complains that it would be too hard on youngsters to work 18 hour days, is not a Christian because all righteous people know that God does not restrict the number of hours a person can work, and says that if you spare the rod you spoil the child.
“When asked why they invest in pharmaceutical companies that make the drugs they were against providing for their women employees and why Hobby Lobby buys most of their items from China which still mandates forced abortions, the CEO said, “why do you think my last name is Green?”
Friday, June 27, 2014
SUPREME COURT SIDES WITH REPUBLICAN CONGRESS AND HOLDS OBAMA EXCEEDED POWER AS PRESIDENT WHILE BLACK
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court held that President Obama has been illegally using presidential powers. Justice Steven Breyer, speaking for the majority, said, “While the Fifteenth Amendment to the Constitutions guarantees people of color the right to vote, it does not say that an African-American can hold the office of President if a duly elected congress thinks that he should not.”
“I welcome the Supreme Court’s important decision, today,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Obama has shown a tendency to think that just because he was elected President, that he can act like one. After all,” he added, “it’s called the White House for a reason and the last time I looked, the man in the Oval Office is not white.”
Speaker of the House, John Boehner said, “The Court’s decision will give us plenty of ammunition in our lawsuit against Obama for exceeding his authority as a non-white President. We would not be having a Constitutional problem,” Boehner said, “if Obama would have entered the White house through the back door, or if he acted like a butler or even if he physically helped build the place, but speaking of place, not knowing his, is what has deeply divided this country.”
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina agreed. “We could be solving the real problems of the country and not be embroiled in all of this gridlock if Obama had not pulled out the race card by choosing to be black,” he said.
Presidential spokesman Josh Earnest told reporters on Air Force One that the White House was “deeply disappointed” by the Court’s decision and that the Obama Administration was still reviewing it, but has reserved the right, if necessary to kick some racist white ass.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING, SOUTHERN PLANTATIONS TO MOVE NORTH OF MASON-DIXON LINE
by R J Shulman
NATCHEZ, Mississippi - (PTSD News Service) – Can you picture Gone With The Wind taking place in Muncie, Indiana? Strange as this may seem, some shrewd southerners are counting on it. Climate change scientists have predicted that in as little as twenty-five years most of the southern states will either suffer from massive crop killing heat or be underwater, and that the best places to grow cotton and similar crops will be in a belt stretching from Connecticut and New Jersey westward to Iowa, Kansas and the Dakotas.
Many southern farmers and businessmen, while publicly denying global warming, have secretly been investing in large underutilized land in northern states and are preparing to bring the traditional southern plantation to a new home. “All, y’all don’t think it should be left up to yankees to run a plantation do you?” said Clyde Wilson Jennings III of Lafayette, Louisiana. “I bet a whole tray of chilled mint juleps that them yanks would get too tuckered out just trying to bring in the crops while keeping the help in line.”
Stonewall Jackson Lee Jefferson Davis of Sharecrop, Alabama, who has quietly purchased over thirty thousand acres in central Pennsylvania believes that the southern plantation model with fit quite well in the Keystone state. “With the exception of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, the social and political beliefs of the rest of the state are just about the same as those here in Alabama,” Davis said.
Another area where large sections of land have been purchased by southern businessmen and descendants of plantation owners is Detroit. “Since the motor city is not making that many motors anymore, the land here is extra cheap,” said Garson Ricketts Marsden whose great grandfather owned a plantation in rural South Carolina. “And the other reasons that I’m investing in land up yonder is that the climate of the Great Lakes will soon be about the same as it is here in Charleston now and there are an awful lot of out of work black folks up there who have a genetic disposition to understand all about cotton.”
Not all southerners are excited about moving their lifestyle up north. Scarlett Johnson of Atlanta, Georgia said that she told her husband Rhett that she did not want to move to their new spread outside Dayton, Ohio. She told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that after expressing her concerns, Rhett told her, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Thursday, June 19, 2014
TEXAS REPUBLICANS ENDORSE EVOLUTION THEORY REPARATIVE THERAPY
by R J Shulman
FORT WORTH, Texas – (PTSD News Service) – The Texas Republican Party has endorsed a platform that includes support of “reparative therapy” for those who believe in the theory of evolution. The new plank endorsed by the Texas GOP at their Fort Worth convention supports “the legitimacy and necessity of counseling, which offers reparative therapy and treatment for those patients seeking healing and wholeness from their misguided belief in Darwin’s theory of evolution.”
While nearly every major health organization including the American Psychological Association has condemned evolution conversion therapy, many delegates to the Texas Republican convention were elated that reparative therapy for evolutionists was endorsed by the Texas GOP. “I know Jesus would have been so proud of this decision that he would have ridden a dinosaur all the way from the holy land to Fort Worth to tell us so,” said Jonathan Saez, President of Texas Values.
While the Texas GOP platform endorsed evolution reparative therapy, it did not go as far as some wanted, that is to say to call for anyone caught living the evolutionist lifestyle to be stoned to death.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
AFTER SUCCESSFUL USE OF FORMER BUSH MILITARY ADVISORS TO OPINE ABOUT CURRENT CRISIS IN IRAQ ON SUNDAY TALK SHOWS, NETWORKS WILL USE GEORGE W. BUSH TO SPEAK ON WHAT TO DO ABOUT TODAY’S ECONOMY
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) - This past Sunday, NBC News invited Paul Wolfowitz to talk about what should be done about the problems happening now in Iraq. Wolfowitz was George W. Bush’s Secretary of Defense and one of the main architects of the Iraqi war who had promised back then that the invading Iraq and toppling Saddam Hussein would pay for itself with Iraqi oil (a $2 trillion dollar mistake). On the same day, ABC News provided watchers with their Iraqi war expert, Bill Kristol, who back then in supporting the war had predicted a two month war in Iraq in which the US troops would be hailed as liberators of a country where the Sunnis and Shia would get along famously.
“We had such success with using Paul Wolfowitz to attack Obama on the Iraqi situation,” said Deborah Turness, President of NBC News, “that next week we have invited former President George W. Bush to explain to us how Obama can make sure the economy can continue to expand and create good jobs.” Turness said that Bush will also be asked to show those eggheads in the Obama Administration just how to properly use the English language.
ABC News President Ben Sherwood said that Bill Kristol was so informative about what the US should do in Iraq that for their scheduled discussion about how to stay faithful in marriage, they will tap former President Bill Clinton for his advice. Not to be left out, Les Moonvess, President of CBS Television announced that CBS will resurrect Strom Thurmond from the grave to have a discussion with Clipper’s owner Donald Sterling on how President Obama can improve race relations that have suffered under his presidency.
Fox News in an effort not to be outdone, said that they are planning to have a major conversation regarding truth, justice and compassion and have invited their expert on these issues to lead the discussion, - none other than Satan himself.
Friday, June 13, 2014
By R J Shulman
ORLANDO, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush made it official today - he will run for president in 2016. He made this announcement at a fund raiser in Plantation, Florida saying, “When I learned that Iraq military was disintegrating under attack from armed Muslim extremists, it’s clear that unlike my daddy in the first Gulf War and my brother with his shock and awe who did not go far enough, I am the Bush that is needed to finish the job in Iraq.”
Bush told the crowd that, “there are some misconceptions that I am the moderate Bush, but wait until they see what I will do to end the pesky Iraqi problem. The insurgents will wish it was only the stone age that I had bombed them into.”
“I like Jeb’s chances in the election,” said Karl Rove. “The American public will see that the third time’s the charm when it comes to Bush presidencies finally getting Iraq done right. The alternative is Hillary and everybody knows that she couldn’t stop Monica Lewinsky from invading her marriage, how are we supposed to trust her to stop an invasion of Al Qaeda crazed militants?”