TEA PARTY VOWS TO VOTE OUT ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TEA PARTIES SHOULDN’T BE CONSIDERED TAX EXEMPT SOCIAL WELFARE ORGANIZATIONS

by R J Shulman

LYNCHBURG, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – In the aftermath of the News that he IRS had targeted organizations with the name Tea Party and Patriot for review of their applications for tax exempt status as 501c4 social welfare organizations, the Tea Party is fighting back. “The government had tread on the wrong ‘me,’” said Wayne Fergus of the Lynchburg Constitutional Tea Party of Virginia, “it’s preposterous for the IRS to think that we are a political group, when it is clear that we are here for social welfare as required by the tax laws. We are here for the social welfare of real Americans by making sure that every last liberal and Democrat and Republican who acts like a liberal and Democrat are defeated at the polls.”

“When the founding fathers thought of social welfare, it wasn’t about those queens having babies every five minutes on the taxpayers dime,” said Murphy Pickel, who is running for Virginia House of Representative on the Tea Party ticket, “social welfare is about getting sensible Americans who hate and fear the government elected to government.”

The Lynchburg Tea Party is not alone in fighting back against the IRS who they say have unfairly targeted them. Anti-government political rallies are scheduled all over the country by various Tea Parties to protest the IRS thinking that they are organizations that hold political rallies.

“We will use any political means necessary to prove we are not a political organization,” said Andrew Clangborn who has organized several Tea Party groups in central Indiana.

“Can’t they read?” said Swinton Hogg, a Tea Party leader from Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. “This here sign I’m holding says “Tea Party, which everybody knows stands for Taxed Enough Now. So why would they want to tax us when they should be taxing socialists, like the ACLU, the NAACP.”

The IRS agreed, and has apologized for targeting the Tea Party and other right wing organizations and will return to seeking audits from groups like the ACLU the NAACP, which did not cause anyone at the IRS to have to resign.

AS STOCK MARKET SOARS TO NEW HEIGHTS, FOX NEW REPORTS THAT OBAMA IS THE MOST INCOMPETENT SOCIALIST OF ALL TIME

By R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Fox News is reporting that President Obama stinks as a socialist.  “He has tried to destroy business, redistribute the hard earned wealth of the rich to poor minorities and do everything he could do to destroy capitalism in its tracks,” said Armand C. Tilwitty, a Fox News analyst.  “But the recent record run of the stock market, almost doubling in his four years in office and the upturn in business shows just what a failure Obama has been at trying to carry out his leftist agenda,” Tilwitty said.

“I agree,” said Wesley Goodrich, of the Wall Street Journal. “In just about every category that indicates the health of the economy, there has been marked improvement under Obama.  For this to happen on the watch of the most communistic communist in history shows that the only thing Obama was successful at in his political career was forging a fake birth certificate.”

“We sincerely hope this knucklehead president doubles his anti-capitalistic efforts,” said David Adkisson, President and Chief Executive Officer of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, “because a continuation of his flub-dubbery will surely be good for big business.”

GOP TO PUSH FOR NEW BILL TO EXONERATE THOSE CONVICTED OF RAPE IN CASES WHERE WOMAN GOT PREGNANT

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Representative Phil Gingrey of Georgia has introduced a new bill that calls for those men convicted of rape in which the so-called victim became pregnant to be immediately exonerated and released from prison.  The bill called the Legitimate Rape and Fatherhood Support Act will require states to revisit cases in which there were rape convictions where the woman became pregnant. 

“Since a woman cannot get pregnant if she is uptight and can’t ovulate, then it is obvious that if she got pregnant she was not upset at the time she had intercourse or her body would have shut right down and no pregnancy could have occurred,” Gringrey, a licensed MD and co-chair of the Republican Doctors Caucus said. “We hear all the liberal press talking a good game about the rights of women, but what about these men who had legitimate sex with these women who for no good reason then turned on them and accused them of rape. What about these men's rights?”

The bill has a good chance of passing the Republican house.  House Speaker John Boehner has placed the bill on the agenda ahead of bills about jobs, crime prevention, immigration reform, plant safety, help for the middle class, bank reform and education.  “It’s only fair that if later DNA evidence can get killers off of death row, than new conception science should be used to free men wrongfully convicted of rape,” Boehner said.

POLL SHOWS IF JODI ARIAS WAS RUNNING AS A REPUBLICAN SHE WOULD HAVE WON SOUTH CAROLINA HOUSE SEAT

by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina – (PTSD – News Service) – Don’t feel so warm and fuzzy, Mark Sanford about your victory yesterday over Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch.  Your victory may have had little to do with the electorate forgiving you for your past bad behavior. 

A brand new New York Times/ABC poll has revealed that just about anyone running as a Republican could have defeated Democrat Busch, even if the Republican was much reviled Jodi Arias who has just been convicted of the brutal murder of her boyfriend.  Even dead Boston bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsanaev would received 53% to 47% for Busch if his name had appeared on the ballot as a Republican.  The only opponent that the poll showed who Busch may have prevailed against was Satan, if he had run as a Republican, in which case, the poll said the race would have been a dead heat.

“I guess all you have to do in this state to win an election is to have a letter after your name, that letter being “R,” said South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley.

KOCH BROTHER: DON’T LET WEST, TEXAS SYNDROME CAUSE MORE GOVERNMENT SAFETY REGULATIONS

By R J Shulman

WICHITA, Kansas – (PTSD News Service) – David Koch, co-owner and executive vice president of Koch Industries said today that he is concerned that the recent explosion at a West, Texas fertilizer plant that killed fifteen, injured hundreds and flattened the surrounding area will “cause a knee-jerk reaction call for more government regulations of industry.  “Everybody knows that private industry doesn’t kill people, people do,” he said. “Irresponsible employees’ mistakes are to blame and the last things that are needed in America are new job killing health and safety regulations.  But I am afraid,” he continued,” that just like what happened in Newtown, Connecticut caused a lynch mob against guns and responsible gun owners, the incident in West, Texas will spark a similar out of control rabble attack against responsible factory owners and successful operators of mines.”

“Actually we need less government interference and not more of it to keep us safe,” said House Majority Leader John Boehner. “There would be a lot more jobs at factories like the one in West, Texas if liberals and socialists such as Obama have not consistently attacked capitalism and tied everyone’s hands with business strangling regulations.  If companies were not bogged down with so much useless paperwork demanded by an out of control government, they could spend more time preventing the very types of explosions that occurred at that fertilizer plant.  It is as if Obama himself set off that blast.”  When the House of Representative gets back from vacation, it will start an investigation into why Obama should not be impeached for the explosion that rocked the small Texas town.

Radio talk show host Alex Jones agrees that the government is to blame for the tragedy in Texas. “We have video tape that shows it was the FBI, with direct supervision by the Obama administration that set off the explosions in West, Texas and that they used left over explosives from when the government blew up the Twin Towers on 9/11.  Tell me this,” Jones said, “if it was fertilizer that blew that plant and half that poor village to pieces, wouldn’t the town be smelling to high heaven?  No it is not.  What really stinks here is the governmental conspiracy of a sitting president who wants to make the home state of his predecessor look bad.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that any attempts at adding more health and safety laws would be met with a filibuster. “We don’t need any new laws that will infringe on the rights of successful business owners and mine operators.  Besides no law could possibly stop all accidents that may happen on the job caused by careless employees.”

“And don’t be trying to tie in the factory collapse in Bangladesh into this workplace health and safety hysteria,” Koch said. “Americans should direct their focus on the money they have saved on shirts they buy at Walmart and not on some nameless four hundred people in a far away land who chose not to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior before they died.  So they didn’t get to heaven.  How is that business’ fault?” 

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND AT NEW GEORGE W BUSH LIBRARY

by R J Shulman

DALLAS – (PTSD News Service) – As all of the living former presidents and other dignitaries gathered at the campus of Southern Methodist University for the dedication of the Bush Library and Museum, weapons of mass destruction were discovered inside the facility.  “We were just about to let the first group of people into the Bush Oval Office replica, when I heard a yell,” said Robert A. M. Stern, the Yale architect who designed the Bush Library and Museum.  “I was doing my rounds when I saw it – electronic buttons, canisters and all kinds nasty looking things that could only have been weapons of mass destruction under Bush’s desk,” said Harold N. Grimice, a security guard, “it sure as heck filled me with shock and awe.” 

No one is certain how such dangerous weapons, including hi-tech bombs, chemical weapons and other highly classified armaments got into the Bush oval office.  It was certainly not planned,” said Mark Langdale, head of the Bush Foundation. “We can’t have visitors think that a United States president could ever be responsible for causing thousands of innocent people to die, and places destroyed because he used these kinds of weapons willy nilly, like he thought he was some kind of decider or something.”

“I know nothing of what got on my oval desk,” said Bush when he was told of the discovery of the massive weapons in the room that is a replica of his White House office. “I was off doing something of great importication at the time, I was on vacation.  I would not approve of this weaponization put on my museum.  I wanted to make sure that I am known in history as a war monger and not a war president.  I got that upside down, didn’t I?  Wouldn’t be the first time I upside downed something,” Bush quipped.

An ABC/New York Times poll indicates that Americans are split almost 50-50 on whether the weapons should be left in the Bush Library and Museum to commemorate the Iraq and Afghanistan war, or whether they should be taken out of the facility.  “The American public is so divided on this issue,” said Karen Hughes, counsel for Bush when he was in the White House, “that we will have to let the Supreme Court decide on the will of the people.”

PIG HEAVEN FOR THE RIGHT

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico - (PTSD News Service)  - Well it looks like Conservatives and the Right will soon be in pig heaven, now that the Boston bombers are apparently Muslims who may have been radicalized by religious fundamentalists into committing their heinous acts.  The Right Wingers have found their Monica Lewinsky to trot out against President Obama.  Expect the rest of his presidency to be bogged down in endless investigations by the Republican House as to just how bad Obama was, how he was soft on terrorism, why it took so long for him to call it an act of terror, that he really is a Muslim, if not a Muslim apologist, and even whether he was the very person who radicalized the bombers into carrying out their crimes.  This concentration on the “got-ya” game against Obama has another benefit for the House, - it gets the House off the hook to work on things like fixing the economy, putting people back to work, educating our children, protecting us from gun violence, protecting us from, oh, lets say companies and corporations that are unsafe, like the fertilizer plant in West, Texas, that are hazardous neighbors (don’t expect much of an investigation here).  No, instead, the House will be rolling around in the mud, squealing and snorting for the impeachment of the president.  They won’t even care to lean any lessons of how to better avoid future incidents from happening and if and how there may have been any breakdowns, mistakes or poor planning in the procedures in place to stop such terrorist acts from happening.  No, this will all be about blame, blame, blame, the blame game to blame Barack Oblayma.  They will go on and on about how you have to elect Republican to keep us safe.  They will trot out that old chestnut, forgetting that Bush was in office when 9-11 happened.  They will whip up fear.  They will whip up hatred.  They will moan and lament that if only Romney had been elected.  I can just imagine if Romney had been elected.  Lets, face it, Romney would have been too busy counting the extra money he would soon be sending to the Caymans to have changed any anti-terrorism policies if they, in fact did need changing.  So the bombs in Boston will still have gone off.   But you can bet there would be a big difference in the response.  Congress wouldn’t be investigating President Romney.  They would be too busy making plans to invade Iran.