ROMNEY PLANS TO CONNECT WITH THE MIDDLE CLASS BY GAINING THE “RICH EXPERIENCE OF BEING POOR”

by R J Shulman

POOR MAN’S HOLLER, West Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – Standing on a stump in front of an abandoned general store in the poorest town in America, Mitt Romney pledged that he “wants to better understand the little man, not only the man on Main Street but the man in the Main Street gutter, the investment challenged, the tax unsheltered, that is, the average Joseph.” Romney announced his eight point plan to “stand in the Bruno Magli’s of the regular guy.” Romney’s bold plan is:

1) Instead of the family chauffer taking care of it, Romney will personally get out of the car and fill both of his wife’s Cadillacs with regular grade gasoline.

2) Romney will instruct his broker at Goldman Sachs to send him his quarterly earnings on pink colored paper so he will know first hand what its like to receive a “pink slip”

3) The next time Romney plans on having Beluga caviar and a bottle of his $17,000 1900 Cristal Brut, he will instead try and use his maid’s food stamps at a 7-11 to purchase pork rinds and muscatel.

4) Romney will move a million dollars from a Bank of America checking account to one in the Cayman Islands, leave only $12.57 cents in the BOA account, write a check for $13.00 to experience getting a NSF notice and fee like the common man often gets at the end of a month.

5) Romney will go to a Popeye’s Chicken restaurant with his wife and children, order a bucket of fried chicken knuckles and watermelons and experience the shame of unsuccessfully trying to pay for it with an expired Platinum American Express Card

6) Romney will instruct his accountant to deliberately delay making the monthly payment on his latest yacht, just so that he can experience what it is like to get a past due statement on your necessary form of transportation

7) Romney will watch an entire live broadcast of American Idol and then instruct his nanny to call and vote for the Hispanic singer even if he thought of her as an appalling proletarian

8) Romney will deliberately fail to use his medical insurance prescription card when purchasing his prescription hair crème to experience the shock and awe to learn how much it would cost the regular man.

Romney said, “These bold steps and personal sacrifices should remove any question that I do not understand the plight of the unexceptional American,” Romney said, “and therefore, I can be more convincing that there are real tangible reasons why these people need their lives run by someone superior to them, like I am.”

LIMBAUGH SUES FLUKE: THE WHORE SHOULD KNOW A HEART FELT APOLOGY WHEN SHE HEARS ONE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has struck back at his tormentor, law student Sandra Fluke, by suing her for slander and intentional infliction of emotional distress.  “She has made my life a living hell ever since she trapped me into saying those things,” Limbaugh said, “which has caused me to lose sponsors and radio stations, even after I apologized to the little tramp.”

The lawsuit, which asks for hundreds of millions, claims that “Fluke and her Feminazi co-conspirators have participated in a twenty year scheme to smear Limbaugh and bring down the pristine impeccable reputation of his well loved program.”  The claim also includes Barack Obama as a defendant for “choosing to be black, thus causing Mr. Limbaugh to inadvertently call him a “magic Negro” for four years.

So far, the furor over Limbaugh verbally attacking Sandra Fluke for three days straight on the air has cost him eleven sponsors and a growing number of radio stations as well as spawning numerous websites dedicated to getting him off the air, including hushrush.com, flushrush.org, crushrush.com, smushrush.com, and stopthedrugaddledgasbag.com.     

Rush, appearing on Fox News said that he was shocked by Fluke's behavior, saying, "So people have a lot of nerve."

GOP SENATORS WILL INTRODUCE BILL THAT WILL ALLOW ANYONE TO OPT OUT OF ANY LAW ON MORAL GROUNDS

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Even after the defeat of their amendment to allow employers and insurance companies the right to opt out of heath care coverage on moral grounds, Republican Senators will introduce a bill that will allow anyone to disregard any law if they feel it conflicts with their moral or religious beliefs. “For too long we have been forced into moral slavery just to have to be politically correct,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “with this patriotic new law, which is clearly in the great tradition of American freedom, a person will no longer be forced to tow the big government line, but will be free to act on their own conscience and moral beliefs, and break the shackles that force them to hire women or serve Negroes at their privately owned lunch counters.”

Under the proposed legislation, McConnell said, “If your moral code is that Muslims, Hindus, Jews and Unitarians are tools of Satan, than you would be able to opt out of laws that say murder is wrong and use your Second Amendment rights to blow them to kingdom come. If we pass this law, called the American Religious Freedom to Smite Thine Enemy Act,” McConnell said, “it will bring back righteousness, civility and godliness back to a people enslaved by the tyranny of caring about others as imposed by Obama and his liberal thugs.”

Commentator Bill O’Reilly said that he is strongly in support of the proposed law, saying, “it will essentially end the War on Christmas and allow all good Americans to redirect those resources to where they belong, the War on Women.”

AFTER POOR SHOWING IN HOME STATE MICHIGAN, ROMNEY SUSPENDS ALL CAMPAIGN SPENDING; PLANS TO DIRECTLY BUY VOTES

By R J Shulman

LANSING, Michigan – (PTSD News Service) – Counting on the truth of the old adage that everyone has their price, Mitt Romney has decided to halt campaign spending and will use his vast wealth, swollen super PACs and Wall Street and banker friends’ mighty financial power to pay eligible voters to cast their ballots for him in November.  “We have already spent over $87.5 million dollars so far in this campaign,” said Romney spokesperson Stephan W. Brinksmanship III, “which equals about $1,387.38 per voter.  Our best research shows that it would be cheaper, especially now in economically dismal times to be able to buy the average voter for approximately $47.21 or a free tank of gas.  This will save about $692 million which our gracious donors can then use on more humanitarian purposes, like giving themselves large bonuses.”

Brinksmanship said that he is not worried that paying a person to pull a lever, punch a chad or mark an X for Romney would be considered illegal bribery.  “The Supreme Court said that  money is free speech and we are just exercising our First Amendment right to put a little free speech in Americans’ pockets.”

NOTES FROM THE AWAKENED HIPPIE - No More Phony Kumbayah

Today the Post Times Sun Dispatch debuts the first column by Forbert Cecil Yarish. Yarish was born in Occipital, Vermont some sixty-odd years ago and after reading Catcher in the Rye in second grade, ran away to Greenwich Village to become the youngest bongo player ever to take the stage at Gerde’s Folk City.  Sometime in the early sixties he met Timothy Leary and turned on, tuned in and dropped out.  He seemingly dropped out for good when he took three hits of the bad brown acid at Woodstock and went into a super deep Rip Van Winkle sleep.  He recently resurfaced and writes to us from deep inside an old abandoned coal mine in Grayson, New Mexico.  His column of his current musings will be presented from time to time as Notes From The Awakened Hippie - No More Phoney Kumbayah.    

Notes from February 26, 2012:

1.      What I want know is if Frankenstein Romney were elected president, would he run this country down the highway with the middle class strapped to the roof while his rich buddies got to ride in the crushed leather heated passenger seat? 

2.      Hey Newt, if you consider yourself “cheerful” at the debates, I’d hate to see you when you were angry or mean and if I was unlucky enough to see that I’d surely have to pluck out my eyes.

3.      Hey Sanctimonious Santorum, if you want to learn how to implement your moral values through government, just talk to the experts, the Taliban.

4.      I got news for all you paranoid control freak hypo-Christian home schoolers who are afraid that the public schools, universities and the real world will indoctrinate your offspring with Satan – 1) You can’t home school your kids forever, and 2) when it comes to indoctrinating them with the beliefs of Satan, you have already done a great job.

5.      Hey you Virginians who want to shove a probe up a woman before she can have a legal medical procedure, if you are serious about cutting down on abortions, instead of your invasive probe requirement, why not pass a law that before a woman can end a pregnancy, she must first have sex with Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, and Chris Christie.  I bet the count of terminated fetuses in your demented Commonwealth hits zero.

6.      Tell me, hypo-Christians, if your religion believed it’s a sin for women to work outside the home and Equal Opportunity Laws said your organization’s hospitals couldn’t discriminate against women as nurses, how far do you think you would get by claiming the federal government was attacking your religious freedom?  So when it comes to providing legal health care to women, why don’t you do the right thing and treat them like human beings and then just shut the hell up.

7.      Rush Limbaugh - too bad that after your drugged-out pockmarked white ass went deaf, that your doctors didn’t restore your humanity instead of your hearing.  

8.      For all you lobbyists, banksters, CEOs and Wall Street whores who cry about the middle class starting a class warfare against you after you’ve spent the last thirty years sucking the wealth out of their pockets, your complaints are about as genuine as would have been Hitler’s complaining that the Jews he was persecuting were starting a discrimination war against the Nazis.

 I wonder how all you evildoers can sleep at night. Wait, you can – you’re all sociopaths.

 -The Awakened Hippie

 

AS GOP CANDIDATES FLAME OUT, PARTY LEADERS PLAN TO DRAFT JESUS AT BROKERED CONVENTION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The anguished whispering behind Republican leaders’ doors has turned into a roar lately over the disastrous candidates still vying for the top of the GOP ticket in November.  “They’re dogs,” said a top Republican policy maker who asked to remain anonymous, “We are left with Rick ‘man on dog’ Santorum, Mitt ‘dog on the top of a moving car’ Romney, Newt ‘horn-dog’ Gingrich who can’t keep his little wiener dog zipped while married and Ron ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ Paul.”

“We’d like to draft our last big dog, Reagan, but his liberal views on immigrant amnesty, disarmament and his once being president of a union rule him out, plus he’s dead,” said Gip Howerton a GOP leader.  “So we have decided to go to the Top dog of all Top dogs, Jesus Christ himself.”  Howerton said Americans know Jesus hates gays, supports the US wars, loves the rich who he has blessed with riches, hates the poor, I mean how long has it been since he healed a leper, and most important of all, is a blonde white guy who looks nothing like Obama.”

When he heard the GOP are planning to have their Come-to-Jesus moment by nominating the Son of God to run for president, Democratic consultant James Carville said, “Jesus H. Christ.  I mean, Jesus H. Christ? Really?  I knew they were up to something as their candidates are stinking up the place worse than an overflowing deep woods Kentucky outhouse, but I didn’t think they would have the King of the Jews sized balls to drop the H bomb on us.”  Carville had to admit that this must be part of the GOP plan to portray Obama as the Anti-Christ. “If you have the Rs running Jesus and the Ds running the president, it certainly makes Obama look like the Anti-Christ candidate.

Mitt Romney said he was unconcerned that there is talk of the GOP sending a last minute Hail Mary Pass to bring in Jesus as their presidential candidate, as “I have more money than God.”  Romeny did say he felt it would be unfair to replace him with the Prince of Peace because,” God-Damn it, this year it’s my turn.”

UNIVERISTY STUDY UNEARTHS LONG LOST ARTICLE OF CONTSTITUTION THAT SAYS AMERICA IS A CHRISTIAN COUNTRY

by R J Shulman

GREENVILLE, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – What began as a research study of the slaves of Thomas Jefferson, ended up with a major discovery.  A group of students from Bob Jones University unearthed documents, the long lost Article 8, which has been authenticated by the Heritage Foundation.   Article 8 was originally part of the Constitution, but was illegally removed by a drunken Benjamin Franklin.  Many believed Franklin made a kite out of the documents, but apparently as a wicked prank, he made sure it was buried in Jefferson’s tomb.

“With our original study, we expected to be able to show how the founding fathers approved of slavery as a way to provide jobs for people who would otherwise be hanging out in alleys, shooting baskets and chasing white women,” said senior Frank Lee Beaumont, “but what we found was a treasure trove of how America was founded as a Christian country and absolute proof that Obama is ineligible to be president.”

 

“Everyone knows that Benjamin Franklin was a secret Communist Satanist who hated the traditional values of the other founding fathers,” said Wylee Lee Lee, who headed the student project.  The students were studying Jefferson’s grave site at Monticello, Virginia, when they found that the ground had been disturbed.  “It was like a body had turned over,” said Bobby Lee Stonewall, one of the research students, “and in the casket, we found Article 8 and in another part of the tomb we found a letter in Jefferson’s handwriting telling whoever finds the missing Article to return it to the Constitution.”

 

The lost document, labeled as Article 8, with seven sections, reads as follows:

Article 8

Section 1. The United States shall be a Christian Country and if there be an inconsistency between this document and the Bible, the Bible shall prevail.

Section 2. That all men are created equal pertains to all Christian white men.  If we wanted other men and the weaker sex to be included, we would have specifically said so in this document.

 

Section 3.  If at any time either twenty percent of the population of the United States or a majority of the States agree that a person was not born in the United States, such person shall be ineligible for the Office of President.

Section 4.  The right of a member of the Weaker Sex to make any decisions about refusing her duties of wifehood, childbirth and choosing the number of children she shall give birth to shall not be considered an inalienable right, and such right shall remain with all the white Christian men who were created equal to have the property of wives.

Section 5.  Members of the Weaker Sex shall not be considered as people with all the Rights Afforded by this document herein, as such rights of Personhood remain with white Christian men and Corporations.

Section 6.  The right of those who have the Right and Just communication with our Christian God from forcing others to make Jesus their Lord and Savior in their own interpretation shall not be Abridged.

Section 7. No part of Article 8 can ever be amended by any vote or other Ungodly attempt by liberal atheists or brown Muslims to change the Blessings of the Rights of this section.

 
The study proving that Article 8 is legitimate and must be returned in full force to the Constitution will be released in its entirety next Monday.  The study was funded by Koch Industries and a conglomeration of evangelical churches and oil companies.