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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, February 22, 2014











ALABAMA PASSES LAW THAT ALLOWS A PERSON TO KILL ANOTHER IF IT’S BASED UPON SINCERE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS
by R J Shulman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama – (PTSD News Service)   Not to be outdone by Arizona, which just passed legislation that allows a person or business to refuse service to homosexuals based upon religious beliefs, Alabama legislators have passed a law that makes it legal to do anything at all if it is part of the person’s closely held religious beliefs.  Senate Bill 666, which passed by a 21-14 margin, protects a person from being prosecuted for any action, no matter how extreme, if they claim it is part of their religious beliefs.

The Religious Freedom Act was pushed by Center for Alabama Policy, a conservative religious group, who have been vocal in their opposition to the federal government interfering in their life by giving “special protection to groups that God has clearly condemned,” said CAP President Merle Goats.  “It’s high time that activist federal judges stop their hostility toward people of faith.  To that end, we have been called by Jesus to take this bold step to stand up for God-fearing righteous people to be able to freely practice their religion,” Goats said.  

“While we salute our fellow Arizona Christians for passing their anti-gay bill,” said state Senator Michelle Horn, (R-Florence), “we need a bill with a wider scope that would protect a person from persecution not only if they refuse service to homosexuals and other blasphemers, but to protect our children from them, even if we have to kill Muslims, Jews, and women and Negroes who don’t know their place.”  Horn said that, “America still stands for the principle that religious beliefs matter for something and that we have a right to freely exercise our religious beliefs.”

The controversial bill was protested by about 30 people outside the legislative building in the state’s capital.  When asked why there weren’t more protesters, a spokesman for the ACLU who oppose the bill said that since he expected the bill to be signed into law by Governor Robert Bentley, people were afraid to show their opposition because there were members of the religious right who were there at the protest taking names and planning on soon to be legal ways to kick their ass.


When asked if the Religious Freedom Act would allow non-Christians such as Jews, Muslims or Unitarians to use their religious beliefs to attack Baptists, Clete Goams (R-Birmingham) who sponsored the legislation said, “of course not, this law if for Christians only as this is clearly a Christian country.”

Thursday, January 09, 2014













CHRISTIE: TRAFFIC JAM CAUSED BY OBAMACARE
by R J Shulman

TRENTON, New Jersey – (PTSD News Service) – At a press conference that lasted two hours, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie denied allegations that he had anything to do with a politically orchestrated traffic jam that occurred at the busiest bridge in America last September.   “I didn’t know nothing, about nothing,” Christie said. “All I know is that this whole problem was caused by people panicking over losing their health insurance under Obamacare which made them flock to the entrance to the George Washington Bridge in record numbers.  Who could have known this would happen?”  

Christie claimed that the press is coming after him because he is a large target as the frontrunner for the GOP presidential nomination in 2016.  “The traffic jam in Fort Lee was nothing compared to the traffic jam at the Obamacare website, yet all the press wants to do is to dis Christie.”

In light of Christie’s comments, House Speaker John Boehner scrapped all plans to introduce bill about jobs or extending unemployment insurance to instead call for the 48th vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act. “We must overturn Obamacare before every American highway is ground to a screeching halt by this terrible bill,” Boehner said.

Representative Darrell Issa, (R-Cal) had a different take on the cause of the monster jam at the entrance to the bridge that connects New Jersey and New York City.  “It is obvious that Hillary Clinton deliberately caused this traffic jam to distract attention away from her cover-up of the Ben
ghazi scandal.” Issa said, “so, I am opening up the tenth full-scale investigation of this massive scandal.”

The “Bridge Gate” scandal of the New Jersey traffic jam erupted yesterday when it came to light that several top aides to Governor Christie had exchanged emails that seemed to indicate that they directed a deliberate closure of lane to the George Washington Bridge that caused the four day traffic snarl.  Governor Christie announced that he has fired Bridget Ann Kelly, Christie’s deputy chief of staff who sent one of the emails and had harsh words for former friend David Wildstein, the recently resigned Christie appointee to the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey which controls the traffic between northern New Jersey and New York City.


In a possibly related story, Kelly and Wildstein have been reported missing.  Christie told reporters that they are making a big deal about this new development and that they should put this whole issue behind them, although he claimed he was unaware of a new set of emails from his remaining senior staff that contained the phrases, “they will soon be swimming with the fishes,” “make them an offer they can’t refuse,” and “tell them to make sure they say hello to Jimmy Hoffa.” 

Sunday, December 29, 2013
















BLACK IS WHITE, WRONG IS RIGHT – WE HAVE OFFICIALLY
ENTERED UPSIDE DOWN WORLD
by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – When former part-term half-baked Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin opined that slavery wasn’t all that bad because it was more like the national debt than something terrible and inhumane, MSNBC commentator Martin Bashir observed that maybe a reenactment of historical facts could change her mind if she were to suffer the fate of a slave who displeased his master, a cruel and unusual punishment that Bashir described in graphic and horrific terms.  Palin was outraged and said something to the effect that those with a microphone and a pubic stage should take responsibility for their remarks, although getting through her syntax was a bit of an uphill climb.  Bashir apologized but was suspended and then “resigned,” most likely not of his own free will.  

A short time later, Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty opined that prior to the passage of civil rights laws, blacks were happy singing in the fields and loved their white bosses.  Robertson also said that gays, well, were, less than human.  Robertson’s homophobic comments created a stir and his comments about African Americans exaggerating their historic mistreatment was eerily similar to Palin’s earlier white-wash distortion of history. 

A&E indefinitely suspended Robertson.  Then came the outrage from the right, led by, you guessed it, former part-term half-baked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin who claimed that A&E’s action to suspend Robertson was a violation of free speech.  The right gathered in droves, crying foul, stating that Robertson had a right to thump his Southern Baptist Bible in support of his bigoted beliefs, the very same bible, if these ignorant right wing-nuts has any clue about history that was thumped by those who said that God supported their enslavement of those with darker skin.  By the way Robertson, unlike Bashir, not only did not apologize, but defiantly defended his comments.  It was a surprise to no one that A&E after a week of looking like they were taking some kind of high road recanted and reinstated Robertson, who didn’t even miss the taping of one episode of his show.  

The irony of this whole set of circumstances seemed to be lost on the media who were more incredulous that A&E should shoot itself in the foot for suspending the star of their highest rated program than the hypocrisy of the right wing pundits.  There has been no ground swell to reinstate Bashir or to bring back Dan Rather for his essentially correct report about Bush that used a bad document.  However, Rather’s network, CBS did not fire Lara Logan and her producer, but just put them on leave for their embarrassing and atrociously wrong partisan report about Benghazi that was based on complete lies.  Walther Cronkite and Edward R. Morrow must be turning over in their graves. 

This twisted media focus should not come as a surprise to anyone paying attention to what passes for news and commentary these days as this is the same media that finds nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to reporting and in many cases, supporting right wing/conservative solutions to some of the major problems facing America today.

However, a quick review of oft-repeated conservative answers to current problems will erase any doubt that just as certain as the fact that African-Americans have suffered mistreatment since they were dragged to this continent, that, thanks to the media, America in now firmly living in Upside Down World.  Let’s take a look at some conservative reasoning that is being spread by the media.  Ready?

1.      The problem of income disparity between the ultra rich who have seen enormous growth in their wealth and the stagnant income of the frighteningly shrinking middle class is the result of poor people and the lower middle class having too much money.  These shiftless people have too many benefits, they say.  They are paid too much.  Unions force employers to give them all the breaks.  This has to stop because the poor ultra-rich just don’t stand a chance under the current set of circumstances.

2.      The solution to the problem of too much gun violence is to make sure there are more guns.  Get teachers guns, get preachers guns, heck, get creatures guns.  Encourage citizens carry guns into bars, hospitals, schools and churches and then maybe to kill two birds with one stone, make sure that fetuses have firearms at the ready just in case a mother thinks she may not want to be a mother.

3.      The problem of the out of control greedy Wall Street money shufflers and bad acting avaricious bankers is caused by too many government regulations.  Let the free market be free, free from pesky rules and regulations that could in some way interfere with the most important right guaranteed by the Constitution, the right to make unfettered profits on the backs of the less fortunate.

4.      The way to solve the problems with American health care, which by all accounts is the world’s most ineffective and expensive health care delivery system is to try and try to repeal the only set of laws in over sixty years that has attempted to improve the American profit driven insurance company haven, your-money-or-your-life health care scheme, while providing no alternate plan for the one they so desperately want to repeal.  That’s right, let’s go back to the good old days, when the pre-existing condition was king, and when insurance company profit minded panels sent their customers to grizzly deaths by cancelling their policies in the middle of expensive treatment without any government interference and when these greedy insurance companies could jack up customers’ premiums at their whim so that executives could meet quarterly profit projections and enjoy projected executive bonuses.

5.      The way to solve the problem of American students falling behind the rest of the world in math and science is to teach less science and teach more creationism.

6.      The way to solve the problem of the deficit is to cut income (taxes) and to increase military spending and embark on expensive military exploits in Syria and Iran.

7.      The way to spread democracy is to pass laws that severely restrict voting.  The excuse for these laws, tailored to limit who can vote, is the phony claim that there is massive voter fraud, which despite massive amounts of money used to uncover this alleged fraud, has found that such wide spread  voter abuse simply does not exist.

8.      One way to stop the creeping abuse of government intrusion into a citizens’ privacy is to use governmental laws to force pregnant woman to have invasive procedures done to their bodies by doctors before they can make choices about such private decisions as to whether or not to have a baby.

9.      A way to stop the government from infringing upon the religious beliefs of citizens is to pass laws that force your religious beliefs on others, and to allow your religious prayers in public schools and your religious beliefs and icons to be displayed on government property.

10. The way to get more jobs into the economy is to fire government workers, grant tax breaks to large multi-national corporations for sending jobs overseas, and to cut unemployment insurance to force people to begin working at jobs that don’t exist.

  11     Try and address the imbalance of different voices in the media, which in radio is over 90% conservative talk, by defunding PBS and eliminating the few remaining progressive talk stations.  If the media was so liberal, as conservatives claim, then this can’t be blamed on liberals, but must be must blamed on the huge conservative corporations who own almost all of the media for not properly supporting their own best interests and incompetently and negligently allowing all of this socialist liberal communist propaganda to flood out from every pore of their very own newspapers, radio and TV stations.

Yes, we are living in Upside Down World, where such insanity as listed above not only continues unquestioned, but is supported by around the clock talk radio, and around the clock so-called news outlets.  This is the world where a deliberate lie about weapons of mass destruction that led to a pre-planned war that was responsible for killing more Americans than were killed in 9-11, and killed more than a half million other human beings, displaced millions of others, and bankrupted the treasury by funneling millions of tax payer dollars into the Vice President’s own company and into the pockets of the President’s contractor and oil business buddies is a lie that is less of a problem than a so-called lie by another President who seems to have misrepresented a fact that affects a small group of Americans who were led to believe they could keep their bad, rip-off, crappy, useless insurance policies.  Yes, behold the sheer horror of this current president’s outrageous lie.  These victims of his dastardly lie might be forced to pay for an insurance policy that would actually cover them if they get sick.  Certainly this lie is an impeachable offence - just turn on talk radio, they will tell you this again and again.  This is the news world we have today in America, where start-up problems of the deliberately underfunded Affordable Health Care website are reported to be equivalent to letting a major American city, New Orleans drown.


We are officially an insane nation.  But don’t worry.  We are America.  We are number one.  We’re number one.  We’re number one.  But wait.  In Upside Down World, doesn’t that really mean we’re last?

Saturday, December 07, 2013












RNC CLARIFIES TWEET: WE DIDN’T MEAN TO SUGGEST THAT REVERSE RACISM IS OVER
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee, which has been trying to improve its outreach to African American voters, who gave Romney only 5% of their vote, hit a barrage of backlash when they tweeted that Rosa Parks helped end racism.  Due to the collage of complaints, the RNC sent out a clarifying tweet saying that their comment was misleading as there is still plenty of reverse racism in America.

The tweet said, “Do we remember the name of the white bus driver who was just following the rules he himself did not make when he asked, and rather nicely, I might add, Ms. Parks to go to the back of the bus.  The reason we don’t know the name of the bus driver is that the liberal press has made sure to relegate his name to the scrap heap of history.  And do we know the name of the white passenger who was denied a seat at the front of the bus as the rules stated?  No.  The liberals have made sure we don’t know his name either.  But its Rosa Parks this and Rosa Parks that, and that, my friends is racism.”

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said, “In our continuing effort to reach out to Negro voters, we will start out by tell them we have their backs and for them not to have such a negative view of the Southern heritage of unpaid internship, because unlike the welfare handouts they all get today from the government, the handouts they got from the plantation owners back then were from the private sector and everyone knows that getting handouts from the government is communistic while getting things from the private sector is just part of the American free enterprise system.”


Priebus said their next target is women, who also seem to favor Democrats. “We must find a way to get the broads to vote Republican, so we are working on methods on how to get the chicks to leave their kitchens where they belong and make an intelligent vote for GOP candidates even though their mental capacity isn’t that great.  The girls, I mean I was talking about the female’s lack of mental capacity and not the Republican candidates.”

Thursday, November 28, 2013











68% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY LIE ON POLLS
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) A new Washington Post/ABC News poll shows that slightly more than two-thirds of Americans knowingly lie when they are surveyed by polling organizations. 

The study shows that the reasons why people deliberately lie is that 22% are afraid that their real opinion is wrong, 15% are worried that someone in their family who has a different opinion will find out, 14% say they are worried that God will find out they have a different opinion than their preacher, 12% don’t really have an opinion on whether they have an opinion, 11% say what they think Rush Limbaugh would say whether or not they may really have a different opinion, 9% are worried that the government may find out their real opinion and take away their guns, 8% say that they hate Obamacare but they don’t know why, and 5% said that 60% of the time they have trouble with math and the other 60% of the time they don’t, 3% say that they really don’t know anything at all and have no plans to change that and 1% think that polls should only be answered by Polish people.  


The poll has a plus or minus 5% chance of error before taking into account whether everyone polled may have been lying. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013











FOX NEWS REPORTS THAT OBAMA PARDONED AN ALL DARK MEAT RADICAL MUSLIM GAY TURKEY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – For the first time, controversy surrounds the annual presidential pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey.  Fox News has just broken the story that Popcorn, the turkey that was pardoned by President Obama, is one that contains only dark meat and turns to the east before he gobbles. “There is undeniable evidence that Obama deliberately ignored pardoning a white meat Christian turkey for an unqualified minority turkey who has been known to pal around with Islamic terrorist turkeys and who has been making inappropriate advances toward other male turkeys,” said Neil Cavuto.  “Clearly, with his divisive choice, President Obama has given the American people the bird.”

“What is so bad about this is that Obama’s action is just like Neville Chamberlain appeasing Hitler before World War II.  I predict that this pardon is going to be Obama’s Willie Horton,” Cavuto said referring to the convicted murderer whose furlough release by Governor Dukakis probably doomed his presidential campaign.  What’s next?” Cavuto asked, “Is this president going to pardon all pigs, cows, squirrels and everything else we get meat from.  There is no doubt Obama is trying to turn us all into vegetarian communists.” 

Fox is also reporting that hundreds of Americans have had their Butterball turkey orders cancelled right before the holiday.  “These new and horrific cancellations are clearly another broken promise of Obamacare,” Cavuto said.    


When the House convenes again, Republicans have promised a full scale investigation.  “Turkeygate is going to be the last straw,” Darrell Issa (R-Cal) said.

Monday, November 25, 2013













OBAMA’S IRAN AND SYRIAN WEAPONS AGREEMENTS, HIS SUPPORT OF IMMIGRATION REFORM AND FIXING THE ECONOMY ARE NAKED ATTEMPTS TO DISTRACT AMERICANS FROM HIS OBAMACARE DISASTER

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – According to Fox News, you shouldn’t be fooled by Obama’s slight-of-hand deception of trying to lessen tension in the Middle East, fix the economy and solve the immigration problem – they are all a big scam to try and take the heat off the greatest disaster off all time – Obamacare. 

“Just because he has gotten an agreement with Iran over their nukes and broken the deadlock between Iran and the US since 1979 and got Syria to admit to and agree to destroy their chemical weapons is small potatoes compared to the horror suffered by Americans whose insurance policy that they like got cancelled,” said Neil Cavuto on Fox. “It’s like Obama put a gun to the head of their most beloved pet and pulled the trigger.  I mean, how can you compare the overblown accomplishment of saving the American economy, the ho-humness of staying out of pointless wars to the abject torture that Americans are forced to endure when they have to wait for a slow website to sign them up for insurance?  That is like comparing apples to atomic bombs.”


Fox also reported that some people say that the real conspiracy is that Obama deliberately created this health care mess to distract the American people from knowing that he is a foreign born Muslim who is the worst Communist since Hitler bombed Pearl Harbor.