The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE TRUMP DYNASTY
MOUNTAIN BUNKER, MONTANA - Today marks one-hundred days since Donald J. Trump took the oath of office in Washington, D. C. Here are some of the highlights of the first hundred days of the Trump Era.
Trump renames the White House the Trump House.
Trump declares all networks as “fake news” and only grants access to Breitbart News.
Trump declares Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate was fake, saying, “Kenya believe it that all along
Obama’s birth certificate wasn’t worth the muslin it was printed on.”
Trump changes his catch phrase from “you’re fired” to “you’re dead.”
Trump blames mysterious fire that destroys the US Capitol building on illegal Mexicans, labor unions and Muslims and declares marshal law.
Exxon Mobil gets no bid rights to drill anywhere they hell they please.
Trump’s son marries Putin’s daughter to “consolidate the empires.”
Trump orders the death penalty for anyone who says he is acting like a tyrant.
Trump wins contest with Kim Jung-un as to who has the biggest missile, saying “I’ve got the biggest one, hands down.”
All fast food chains are declared illegal except Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr.
Trump leads military parade complete with nuclear missiles down Broadway in New York to attend the opening of a reworked play called Trumpleton.
Trump keeps promise to save Social Security from greedy Wall Street, but uses funds instead to build 100 statutes of himself in every state and 50 countries around the world.
Trump orders that Italian trains run on time in honor of his favorite Italian leader.
Trump scraps idea to build a wall between the US and Mexico and builds a wall between the US and Canada saying “we must keep those Canuks from illegally entering the US for our great health care system and our low drug prices and besides since I took over, no Mexicans want to come to the US anymore,” however, Trump has no explanation for the hundreds of Americans who are mysteriously found shot dead on the US side of the wall.
Trump suspends the 2020 elections, saying “believe me, they are rigged. You’ve never seen such rigging since they built clipper ships.”
Sunday, June 26, 2016
ONCE AGAIN PROPOSED GUN SAFETY LAWS SHOT DOWN BY CONGRESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Democratic lawmakers may have to bite the bullet again and accept the fact that congress will not take aim at laws that allow a person on the terrorist no fly list to buy weapons. “Any straight shooter would have to agree that the NRA has been holding a gun to our head for far too long,” said Representative John Lewis of Georgia who had led a sit-down to protest the inaction of congress to pass gun safety reform, “because every time we try to pull the trigger for any gun regulation, the NRA sends out it’s big guns to fire away at any attempt to help put a silencer on gun violence.”
The NRA had successfully countered Democratic attempts at giving a shot to reforming gun laws by sending out it’s hired guns to put Democratic lawmakers in their cross-hairs and let their bullets fly to stop any gun legislation. “We can’t let some hot shot liberals use the recent shootings in Orlando as ammunition to claim they have the silver bullet to solve violent crime,” said Wayne LaPierre of the NRA, “so we are sticking to our guns, keeping our powder dry and staying loaded for bear to show those gun grabbers just how badly they have missed the bullseye.”
“Once again, we have dodged a bullet by blowing away the gun haters who are so damn trigger happy when they shoot off their mouths with some rapid-fire shotgun approach that supports some half-cocked laws that would strip Americans of their Second Amendment Rights, lock stock and barrel,” said Speaker Paul Ryan, “besides, if America was so gun crazy as these anti-gun nuts think we are, our language would be riddled with gun metaphors, a belief that is clearly off target, misses the mark and shows not only that they were shooting blanks but the caliber of their misfire.”
Thursday, June 16, 2016
TRUMP PROMISES VOTERS DIPLOMA FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY IF THEY VOTE FOR HIM
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump said today that he will personally award a college degree from Trump University to anyone who will vote for him in November. “By voting for me, a person will have proven they know everything that a Trump University education can give them, which is knowing that to be successful in life, you have to pledge complete allegiance to me” Trump said.
“What I am offering is certainly better than anything crooked Hillary can offer,” he said, “what is Clinton University going to teach you - how to hide emails and force your husband to seek outside bjs?”
Trump said he will also offer voters a free ticket on Trump Airlines, “which never had a plane go down and I’ll throw in a Trump steak which never made anyone sick, both things that Hillary can’t claim about herself,” Trump said.
Trump shrugged off criticism that his offers amount to vote bribery by saying doesn’t the GOP stand for Gobs of Payoffs?”
Thursday, June 02, 2016
BELIEVING CLINTON WILL BE DEM CANDIDATE, RNC GEARS UP WITH CAMPAIGN OF “FACTS THAT WILL F*CK HILLARY”
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - The Republican National Committee held a secret strategy meeting to prepare for the upcoming national presidential election by developing a list of stories they will spread with political ads, on national political TV news shows and through their vast array of conservative radio talk show hosts. “Donald Trump may love the low information voter,” said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, “but who we love more is the wrong information voter.”
The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the top ten items from the “Phony Facts that will F*ck Hillary” list which are as follows:
She’s a man, baby. Hillary is really Hilliard Rodham who changed genders to be able to go in the little girl’s room when your helpless little daughter is in there.
2. One of Hillary’s deleted emails reveals she personally ordered ISIS to kill all Americans in Benghazi.
3. Hillary has plans to confiscate your bibles and beer and replace both with the Quran.
4. Another deleted Hillary email sent America’s secret nuke codes to both Vladimir Putin and the Taliban.
5. Hillary peed on Ronald Reagan’s grave, twice.
6. Hillary plans to outlaw NASCAR.
7. Hillary will not only encourage same-sex marriage, she will outlaw heterosexual divorce.
8. Hillary will take your guns and give them to blacks, Muslims, and angry lesbians and especially to black Muslim angry lesbians.
9. Another deleted Hillary’s email reveals she ordered the Romans to crucify Jesus.
10. Hillary will ban Viagra.
“Once these facts about Hillary are revealed again and again,” Priebus said, “Hillary couldn’t beat the love child of Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler if they were running as the Republican Candidate which looks like that may be who she will be running against.”
Monday, May 30, 2016
IN EFFORT TO MOVE AWAY FROM HATE MESSAGES AND ADDRESS REAL ISSUES FACING EVERYDAY AMERICANS, GOP ADOPTS STUNNING NEW 2016 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN OF HOPE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - The Republican Party just announced its slogan for the 2016 Presidential Campaign, vowing to “move away from past usage of scare tactics and dog-whistles for bigots and concentrate on the issues that face the typical American citizen,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. With that in mind our new slogan will be, “Don’t Let Same-Sex Godless Muslim Illegal Immigrant Inner City Thugs Abort Your Gun Rights In The Wrong Bathroom In Front of Your Kids After They Sole Their Bibles And Replaced Them With Sharia Law.’” Priebus added, “for far too long the Republican Party has prayed on the fear and ignorance of large numbers of the American public by using messages of fear and hatred to gather votes. However, this is the year of addressing real issues and what better candidate to bring across our new message of hope and healing than Donald Trump.”
There was a discussion among GOP party leaders to add Communist to the slogan, but the majority felt most people who feared a takeover by the Soviet Union were either dead or couldn’t remember their own names anymore, let alone fear that Krushchev was hiding under their bed. In an effort to appeal to young people, the RNC also considered telling them that voting for a Democrat would cause their iPhone or other music device to be confiscated and given to a poor person without a job, but this idea was dropped because so many young people were themselves poor and jobless and might think they would be given a free iPhone if a Democrat was elected.
Former President George H.W. Bush thought the new slogan was too complicated, saying, “why don’t we just drag out the old Willie Horton add. That still scares the bejesus out of me.”
Sunday, May 29, 2016
MEDIA VOWS TO END LIBERAL BIAS FAVORING SANDERS AND GIVE TRUMP MORE COVERAGE
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Responding to repeated calls for the press to end its overly liberal bias in their news coverage, major media outlets have promised to reduce stories about Bernie Sanders to make sure the campaign of Donald Trump does not get ignored. “We have been so distracted by meaningless issues such as income inequality and a rigged political and economic system that all we have been talking about 24/7 is Bernie Sanders,” said Ken Jautz, Executive Vice President of CNN News. Les Moonves, President of CBS agreed saying, “We’ve covered pointless stories about the shrinking of the middle class, how no one can afford to put their kids through college, and stagnant wages when the real issue facing Americans every day is which bathroom a transgender should be using.”
“The media has ignored the will of the people by hanging on every word of some old bald Jewish guy kvetch about this and that when this is a Christian nation that wants to hear a virile God-fearing man with a full head of hair tell it like it is,” said Thomas Calicut of Media Watchers, a group that until now has unsuccessfully lobbied news outlets to stop their media blackout of Trump.
“We have spent so much time showing Bernie Sanders’ every move that we lost sight that the DNC has already picked Hillary Clinton as their candidate,” said J. Davidson Taylor, Vice President of News at NBC. “We promise to turn our attention to the true blue American success story that is the Trump wave sweeping across the country, and of course, the Hillary email scandal.”
“Thanks to us in the liberal press, no one seems to know who the hell Donald Trump is,” said Dean Baquet, Executive Editor of the New York Times. “That will change, so by the national election, Trump will get the amount of coverage that will make him happy.”
So far, ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, MSNBC, the New York Times, Washington Post and Facebook have all pledged to overcome their liberal bias and give Donald Trump a chance. However, Fox News said they will not be changing their news coverage of Donald Trump as Fox President Roger Ailes said, “because we’ve gotten coverage of Trump just about right.”
Saturday, May 28, 2016
SECRET DOCUMENTS REVEAL CAITLYN JENNER CHANGED GENDER TO BE FIRST OFF SINKING SHIP IF TRUMP ELECTED PRESIDENT
by R J Shulman
LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the text of a tweet from Caitlyn Jenner that was never sent, when she was still a he, telling a close friend he was terrified of a Trump presidency. The tweet read, “If that pompous orange jerk becomes president, America will surely go down like a sinking ship, and as you know, it’s women and children first.”
Jenner has denied that she wrote that message or changed her gender to give her preferential treatment in case of a disaster requiring Americans to abandon ship. However, a source close to Jenner said he remembers that Bruce was distraught when he learned Trump might throw his hat in the presidential ring. The reliable source said, “A little after his divorce, Bruce said to me, ‘I am crushed by the betrayal of that two-timing media whore because the little bitch is nothing more than a major slut who would do anything for attention and I don’t mean my ex-wife Kris, but that blow-hard who lives at the top of Trump Towers.’”
Jenner was not available for comment, but the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that she has purchased a life jacket and a house in Toronto.
TRUMP SAYS AS PRESIDENT HE WILL USE NUKES ONLY ON THOSE WHO INSULT HIM
by R J Shulman
TRUMP TOWERS – (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to calm fears that he would be trigger happy, Donald Trump told Fox News, “just because I could push the button doesn’t mean I would. Of course, if Megyn Kelly hadn’t made nice, she would be on my list, along with anyone who doesn’t give me the news coverage or respect I deserve.”
Trump said he had no plans to bomb North Korea,” because Kim Jong whatever his name is I can respect because he has a huge ego, although not as huge as mine. But I can tell you this. I will threaten Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days until he pees in his pants just to prove what a mature individual I am.”
Trump did not disclose whether he would use nuclear weapons on the states that did not vote for him in the general election, saying, “that’s as secret at my tax returns which I will disclose only after Hillary discloses that she is a communist lesbian who personally ordered Islamic terrorists to kill all Americans in Benghazi and personally murdered Vince Foster, JFK and Jesus and sent the hugest top secret American secrets to Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days. Only then will I disclose my tax returns.”