The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
TRUMP PROMISES VOTERS DIPLOMA FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY IF THEY VOTE FOR HIM
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump said today that he will personally award a college degree from Trump University to anyone who will vote for him in November. “By voting for me, a person will have proven they know everything that a Trump University education can give them, which is knowing that to be successful in life, you have to pledge complete allegiance to me” Trump said.
“What I am offering is certainly better than anything crooked Hillary can offer,” he said, “what is Clinton University going to teach you - how to hide emails and force your husband to seek outside bjs?”
Trump said he will also offer voters a free ticket on Trump Airlines, “which never had a plane go down and I’ll throw in a Trump steak which never made anyone sick, both things that Hillary can’t claim about herself,” Trump said.
Trump shrugged off criticism that his offers amount to vote bribery by saying doesn’t the GOP stand for Gobs of Payoffs?”
Thursday, June 02, 2016
BELIEVING CLINTON WILL BE DEM CANDIDATE, RNC GEARS UP WITH CAMPAIGN OF “FACTS THAT WILL F*CK HILLARY”
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - The Republican National Committee held a secret strategy meeting to prepare for the upcoming national presidential election by developing a list of stories they will spread with political ads, on national political TV news shows and through their vast array of conservative radio talk show hosts. “Donald Trump may love the low information voter,” said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, “but who we love more is the wrong information voter.”
The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the top ten items from the “Phony Facts that will F*ck Hillary” list which are as follows:
She’s a man, baby. Hillary is really Hilliard Rodham who changed genders to be able to go in the little girl’s room when your helpless little daughter is in there.
2. One of Hillary’s deleted emails reveals she personally ordered ISIS to kill all Americans in Benghazi.
3. Hillary has plans to confiscate your bibles and beer and replace both with the Quran.
4. Another deleted Hillary email sent America’s secret nuke codes to both Vladimir Putin and the Taliban.
5. Hillary peed on Ronald Reagan’s grave, twice.
6. Hillary plans to outlaw NASCAR.
7. Hillary will not only encourage same-sex marriage, she will outlaw heterosexual divorce.
8. Hillary will take your guns and give them to blacks, Muslims, and angry lesbians and especially to black Muslim angry lesbians.
9. Another deleted Hillary’s email reveals she ordered the Romans to crucify Jesus.
10. Hillary will ban Viagra.
“Once these facts about Hillary are revealed again and again,” Priebus said, “Hillary couldn’t beat the love child of Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler if they were running as the Republican Candidate which looks like that may be who she will be running against.”
Monday, May 30, 2016
IN EFFORT TO MOVE AWAY FROM HATE MESSAGES AND ADDRESS REAL ISSUES FACING EVERYDAY AMERICANS, GOP ADOPTS STUNNING NEW 2016 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN OF HOPE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - The Republican Party just announced its slogan for the 2016 Presidential Campaign, vowing to “move away from past usage of scare tactics and dog-whistles for bigots and concentrate on the issues that face the typical American citizen,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. With that in mind our new slogan will be, “Don’t Let Same-Sex Godless Muslim Illegal Immigrant Inner City Thugs Abort Your Gun Rights In The Wrong Bathroom In Front of Your Kids After They Sole Their Bibles And Replaced Them With Sharia Law.’” Priebus added, “for far too long the Republican Party has prayed on the fear and ignorance of large numbers of the American public by using messages of fear and hatred to gather votes. However, this is the year of addressing real issues and what better candidate to bring across our new message of hope and healing than Donald Trump.”
There was a discussion among GOP party leaders to add Communist to the slogan, but the majority felt most people who feared a takeover by the Soviet Union were either dead or couldn’t remember their own names anymore, let alone fear that Krushchev was hiding under their bed. In an effort to appeal to young people, the RNC also considered telling them that voting for a Democrat would cause their iPhone or other music device to be confiscated and given to a poor person without a job, but this idea was dropped because so many young people were themselves poor and jobless and might think they would be given a free iPhone if a Democrat was elected.
Former President George H.W. Bush thought the new slogan was too complicated, saying, “why don’t we just drag out the old Willie Horton add. That still scares the bejesus out of me.”
Sunday, May 29, 2016
MEDIA VOWS TO END LIBERAL BIAS FAVORING SANDERS AND GIVE TRUMP MORE COVERAGE
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Responding to repeated calls for the press to end its overly liberal bias in their news coverage, major media outlets have promised to reduce stories about Bernie Sanders to make sure the campaign of Donald Trump does not get ignored. “We have been so distracted by meaningless issues such as income inequality and a rigged political and economic system that all we have been talking about 24/7 is Bernie Sanders,” said Ken Jautz, Executive Vice President of CNN News. Les Moonves, President of CBS agreed saying, “We’ve covered pointless stories about the shrinking of the middle class, how no one can afford to put their kids through college, and stagnant wages when the real issue facing Americans every day is which bathroom a transgender should be using.”
“The media has ignored the will of the people by hanging on every word of some old bald Jewish guy kvetch about this and that when this is a Christian nation that wants to hear a virile God-fearing man with a full head of hair tell it like it is,” said Thomas Calicut of Media Watchers, a group that until now has unsuccessfully lobbied news outlets to stop their media blackout of Trump.
“We have spent so much time showing Bernie Sanders’ every move that we lost sight that the DNC has already picked Hillary Clinton as their candidate,” said J. Davidson Taylor, Vice President of News at NBC. “We promise to turn our attention to the true blue American success story that is the Trump wave sweeping across the country, and of course, the Hillary email scandal.”
“Thanks to us in the liberal press, no one seems to know who the hell Donald Trump is,” said Dean Baquet, Executive Editor of the New York Times. “That will change, so by the national election, Trump will get the amount of coverage that will make him happy.”
So far, ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, MSNBC, the New York Times, Washington Post and Facebook have all pledged to overcome their liberal bias and give Donald Trump a chance. However, Fox News said they will not be changing their news coverage of Donald Trump as Fox President Roger Ailes said, “because we’ve gotten coverage of Trump just about right.”
Saturday, May 28, 2016
SECRET DOCUMENTS REVEAL CAITLYN JENNER CHANGED GENDER TO BE FIRST OFF SINKING SHIP IF TRUMP ELECTED PRESIDENT
by R J Shulman
LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the text of a tweet from Caitlyn Jenner that was never sent, when she was still a he, telling a close friend he was terrified of a Trump presidency. The tweet read, “If that pompous orange jerk becomes president, America will surely go down like a sinking ship, and as you know, it’s women and children first.”
Jenner has denied that she wrote that message or changed her gender to give her preferential treatment in case of a disaster requiring Americans to abandon ship. However, a source close to Jenner said he remembers that Bruce was distraught when he learned Trump might throw his hat in the presidential ring. The reliable source said, “A little after his divorce, Bruce said to me, ‘I am crushed by the betrayal of that two-timing media whore because the little bitch is nothing more than a major slut who would do anything for attention and I don’t mean my ex-wife Kris, but that blow-hard who lives at the top of Trump Towers.’”
Jenner was not available for comment, but the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that she has purchased a life jacket and a house in Toronto.
TRUMP SAYS AS PRESIDENT HE WILL USE NUKES ONLY ON THOSE WHO INSULT HIM
by R J Shulman
TRUMP TOWERS – (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to calm fears that he would be trigger happy, Donald Trump told Fox News, “just because I could push the button doesn’t mean I would. Of course, if Megyn Kelly hadn’t made nice, she would be on my list, along with anyone who doesn’t give me the news coverage or respect I deserve.”
Trump said he had no plans to bomb North Korea,” because Kim Jong whatever his name is I can respect because he has a huge ego, although not as huge as mine. But I can tell you this. I will threaten Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days until he pees in his pants just to prove what a mature individual I am.”
Trump did not disclose whether he would use nuclear weapons on the states that did not vote for him in the general election, saying, “that’s as secret at my tax returns which I will disclose only after Hillary discloses that she is a communist lesbian who personally ordered Islamic terrorists to kill all Americans in Benghazi and personally murdered Vince Foster, JFK and Jesus and sent the hugest top secret American secrets to Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days. Only then will I disclose my tax returns.”
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
DNC LIVID OVER MASSIVE STASH OF INVISIBLE CHAIRS FOUND AT SANDERS’ HEADQUARTERS
by R J Shulman
BURLINGTON, Vermont – (PTSD News Service) – The Democratic National Committee called for an emergency meeting today to address the recent discovery of over 2,500 invisible chairs hidden in a back room of Bernie Sanders’ headquarters in his home state of Vermont. “We knew he and his supporters were planning to disrupt the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia,” said DNC Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, “but we had no idea of the extent of violence planned, as evidenced by the sheer number of invisible chairs amassed by the senator’s avid supporters who were sure to let them fly at the convention.”
“At least Donald Trump can dodge those rocks and bottles thrown at him, like George W. Bush could get out of the way of that wayward shoe,” Schultz said, “but how can you possibly defend yourself from an invisible chair heading straight for your face?” Schultz added, “just like Nevada is a testing ground for lethal weapons at places like Area 51, we had a feeling Nevada might be the place where Sanders would launch his invisible chairs at real Democrats. We just had no idea his scheme was so far advanced.”
“We are not going to take Bernie’s invisible chairs sitting down,” said Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton, “so I am calling again for Senator Sanders to fold his invisible chairs and his campaign before anyone gets hurt and on the way out to tell Donald Trump he should suspend his campaign too, because the numbers show I have already won the presidency.”
“What is so ironic is that we were going to offer him a place at the table, but his invisible chair attack ended that,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer.
The DNC has not decided what action they might take against Sanders, although a high ranking Democratic official said Sanders’ punishment for stockpiling so many invisible chairs would be something between blocking his campaign from accessing its voter lists until after the California primary to pulling the legs out from under his campaign altogether.
A Sanders’ spokesperson denied that the senator or his followers were planning anything violent but warned that if the DNC tried to discipline Bernie, that Schultz and the rest of the DNC would be sure to “feel the chair.”
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
TRUMP SAYS HIS LIST OF SUPREME COURT NOMINEES WAS ONLY A SUGGESTION; NOW LEANS TOWARD FORMER CELEBRITY APPRENTICE CONTESTANTS
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Almost immediately after issuing a list of possible Supreme Court nominees to replace the late Antonin Scalia should he be elected president, Donald Trump told Fox News that those names were “just a suggestion to appease the religious right-out-of-their-minds faction of the Republican party who don’t have a clue about TV ratings.” Trump said, “I am considering nominating former contestants from my hugely rated Celebrity Apprentice show, such as Gary Busey, Snooki Pulizzi or La Toya Jackson who would be much more entertaining than a bunch of stuck in the mud uptight losers who couldn’t get dates in high school. Can you imagine Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister trying to rule on transgender bathrooms when he himself is always in the wrong restroom? How about Dennis Rodman trying to determine in invading North Korea was legal when he was practically worshiped there?”
“Besides,” Trump said, “I wouldn’t want anyone on the Supreme Court that I hadn’t fired at least once.” Trump did hint that he might nominate Anita Hill to the bench, “just to see the look on Clarence ‘Uncle Thomas’’ face.”