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Wednesday, June 03, 2015
KRUSTY TO JOIN GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE CLOWN CAR
By R J Shulman
SPRINGFIELD – (PTSD News Service) – Krusty the Clown, channel 6 children’s TV host and owner of Krusty Burger said today that he will enter the race for the 2016 Republican nomination for president. Krusty told reporters, “I mean you got Jeb convinced that America is ready to get bush-wacked a third time, Ben Carson who obviously performed a lobotomy on himself, Donald Trump who says he will create jobs when his catch phrase is ‘you’re fired,’ Carly Fiorina, who actually fired more people that Trump did, Scott Walker who is the Koch brothers trained monkey, South Carolina’s Lindsey Graham cracker who wants to bomb everyone while getting bombed himself, Ted Cruz missile, now there’s someone not firing on any cylinders, Marco Rubio, who would deport himself if he thought it would get votes, Mike Shuckabee-wannabe or whatever his homophobe name is, and Rick Sanatorium, who gives sweater vests a bad name, so wouldn’t it be refreshing to have a Republican candidate who at least admits he’s a clown?”
Krusty said he would run on a platform of a smaller government. “Who needs the Feds breathing down your neck telling you how much filler or rat feces you can put in your hamburgers?”
Krusty said he would make his official announcement at midnight on June 31st in Springfield. However he did not indicate if it would be Springfield, Oregon, Massachusetts, Missouri, Arkansas, Wisconsin, California, West Virginia, Colorado, Virginia, Florida, Vermont, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, South Dakota, Kentucky, South Carolina, Louisiana, Pennsylvania, Maine, Ohio, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, New Jersey, Nebraska, New Hampshire or Springfield in the Virgin Islands. “You’ve all got a freakin’ GPS,” Krusty said, “so go find it yourself and stop expecting the government to do everything for you.”
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
NRA SAYS WACO DEATHS COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF ALL BIKERS HAD GUNS
by R J Shulman
WACO, Texas (PTSD News Service) – The National Rifle Association announced today that if all the bikers in Waco, Texas had guns, it could have saved the lives of the nine Americans killed in the incident outside a bar and grill. “Those that brought knives, chains and brass knuckles to a gun fight could not properly protect themselves,” said NRA President Jim Porter.
The NRA called for legislators to pass laws to make it easier to for white guys who like to ride free with the wind in their hair to exercise their Second Amendment rights by eliminating pesky background checks, discriminatory wait times and any and all other unnecessary obstacles to a man right to protect himself. In addition, the NRA will be introducing legislation that would allow bikers to purchase guns, ammunition and even motorcycles on food stamps. “If those welfare queens can buy new Cadillacs with food stamps, bar traditionally acceptable Americans from using those same food stamps for a life or death matter, that is, guns and ammo.
Every biker deserves a fair shot,” said Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre.
Tuesday, May 05, 2015
RINGLING BROS WILL STOP USING CLOWN CARS DUE TO REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MISUSE OF VEHICLE
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus announced today that they will cease using clown cars in its shows by November 2016. The said their decision to eliminate clown cars was due to a growing concern regarding the misuse of such vehicle by the group of declared Republican candidates for the 2016 Presidential election and those as yet undecided candidates who are expected to announce shortly that they will enter the clown car with them.
“With Ted Cruz, Dr. Ben Carson, Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, Marco Rubio and now Mike Huckabee, we cannot guarantee the safety of the clown car or anyone in its path,” said Alana Feld, Executive Vice President of Ringling. Some anti-clown car activists say the circus should stop using the clown car immediately. “Can you imagine another Bush trying to drive anything in a safe manner or what could happen to the normal flow of traffic if Chris Christie should get to drive the clown car?,” said Brianna Bjorn, President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything.
The clown car has traditionally been part of the circus company’s shows, but after a lengthy debate among its senior executives, it was decided to end the car’s run because, “what used to produce laughter now has many Americans fearing for their very future,” Feld said.
The circus will continue to use other vehicles, such as old fire engines and the trucks necessary for travel to and from their various engagements. The retired clown cars will be placed on display at the International Clown Hall of Fame and Research Center in Baraboo, Wisconsin.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
CONGRESS PASSES BILL REQUIRING OBAMA TO REPORT IN EVERY EIGHT HOURS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a bipartisan compromise, the Senate passed a bill that requires President Obama to report to Congress his location and what he has been doing or saying every eight hours. “After trying to negotiate with communist terrorist leaders in Cuba and then Islamic terrorists in Iran,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell who helped hammer out the compromise,” it is clear that Obama is out of control and needs to be on a short leash.”
Republicans had called for Obama to be incarcerated while Democrats wanted the president to simply address joint sessions of congress at the normal times. Ultimately, the two agreed on the eight hour time frame.
“I still think that Obama should be required to wear an ankle bracelet” said Senator Tom Cotton (R-Ark), “giving him free range will still allow him to pal around with terrorists, fist-bump bad guys, and shuck and jive with Christ’s sworn enemies.” Some wanted to go even further, such as Senator Ted Cruz who said, “Obama cannot be trusted to keep America safe and should be deported to his home country of Kenya, Nigeria or Tanzania, wherever it is. We just can’t have a foreign born person occupying the White House.” Others called for the Secret Service to count the White House silverware. “It is American taxpayers, who paid for that stuff, you know,” said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC). “If we can’t stop crime in the White House, then where are we?”
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
CLOSET SALES UP SHARPLY IN INDIANA AS ANTI-GAY LEGISLATION BECOMES LAW
by R J Shulman
INDIANAPOLIS – (PTSD News Service) – Within days of Governor Mike Pence singing the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, home builders have been deluged with orders for constructing closets. “I have never seen anything like it,” said Mike Short, Senior Sales Director of Indiana Closets of Muncie. “This new law has put so much fear in some folks that they want these closets built right away and in some cases a closet within a closet to protect them, so that if they accidentally come out of one closet there is a second one to protect them. What is interesting to me,” Short said, “is that those that are the most frantic to be closet safe seem to be conservative religious Republicans who supported this law.”
Governor Pence has been insisting that the law is not anti-gay and has asked for a fix to it. “There is a misconception fostered by all the gays who control the press that the law allows a person to use discrimination to refuse service to a gay person,” Pence said, “when the law clearly states that it allows a person to use religious freedom to refuse service to a gay person and that is a huge difference.”
Other Hoosiers are more openly gay hating and show their support for the bill. “This law lets everybody know that Indiana is a red state not a pink one,” said Duke Ripley of Fort Wayne. “Thanks to this law that outlaws gays on religious grounds, now when I go to a Colts game, I don’t have to worry about some stallion in a seat behind me trying to get funny with me,” said Frank Whorley of Hobart. Rolf Quincy of Columbia supports the law, saying “I am staunchly not gay, and now there is finally a law that protects me from every Dick who thinks they can sneak up behind me and give me the big juicy shaft just because their parents spared the rod instead of giving them stiff punishment which turned them into men that are obsessed with gloriously large members.”
“My religion says that Democrats and liberals are tools of the devil,” said Bryce Grebbel who owns a lunch counter in Hammond, “and since all blacks vote Democratic, thanks to all the religious freedom I now have by law, I don’t have to serve those kind lunch no more, not on racial grounds which is still outlawed, but on religious grounds that Democrats are against my religion.”
While Governor Pence has been trying to back track on the law due to the pressure from businesses that have pledged to boycott the state, others say they should just wait it out. “While we may lose some lefty national business and find it hard to get a decent hair style,” said Paulie Eddy, a business consultant for the Governor, “not only has the closet business been booming, but we will be able cultivate new businesses such as ones that sell tests to detect who is gay and those new businesses that will make pink patched for those to wear who fail or should I say pass the gay test.”
Thursday, March 12, 2015
GOP SENDS HILLARY A DEMAND LETTER LISTING EMAILS SHE MUST PRODUCE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans sent a letter to Hillary Clinton demanding that she produce emails they claim she is hiding. The letter, authored by Senator Tom Cotton, fresh from this letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei, presents a specific list of emails that she must show the American people. The letter was signed by forty-seven Republican Senators.
The following is the list of emails they demand that Hillary Clinton immediate release:
1. Her email that hired the hit man to kill Vince Foster.
2. Her email laying out the Clinton’s plans of bilking millions from other investors in Whitewater.
3. Her email ordering all Americans to stand down in Benghazi right before the deadly attack.
4. Her email to the Benghazi protestors telling them it was finally safe to attack the Americans, now that she had told them to stand down.
5. Her email that ordered the CIA to destroy Barack Obama’s real Kenyan birth certificate.
6. Her email that ordered the state of Hawaii to issue a phony Obama birth certificate.
7. Her email to the IRS to target only conservative groups for audit and punishment.
8. Her email ordering the establishment of death panels under Obamacare
9. Her email ordering the construction of massive detention facilities to incarcerate anyone who did not follow President Obama blindly
10. Her email that ordered the UN to send troops into the US to take away guns from legitimate gun owners
11. The email that told Saddam Hussein where to successfully hide his weapons of mass destruction (in Dick Cheney’s bunker, because no one would notice a few more weapons)
12. Her email that outlines her timetable for installing Sharia law all over the United States
13. Her email to set up a program to castrate men who would not vote for her.
14. Bill Clinton’s email that said “I did not email that woman.”
15. Her email to have Bill Clinton castrated.
The GOP letter stated that if she did not disclose these emails within 24 hours, the House of Representatives would start a series of investigations that would tie her up so badly that she wouldn’t have a minute to campaign for the 2016 election.
“It’s about time the Senate stood up on their hind legs and put this Feminazi in her place,” said Rush Limbaugh.
“Tom Cotton’s letter to Hillary is just as exciting as his letter to the leader of Iran,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“I’ll drink to that,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.
“I used to believe that teaching children to read and write was God’s work,” said Imogene Henry, Tom Cotton’s second grade teacher, “but now I believe that helping Tommy how to write letters was the biggest mistake of my life.”
“I’ll drink to that, too,” said John Boehner.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
47 GOP SENATORS TO OBAMA: LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE US DO
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The forty-seven Republican Senators who signed off on the letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei telling him to ignore any agreement that President Obama might negotiate with Iran have blamed the President for their action. “I never would have authored such an inappropriate letter,” said Senator Tom Cotton (R- Ark), “but the President was asking for it.”
Republican leaders claim they have good reason to lay the blame for the highly divided nation on the doorstep of the White House. “I never even thought about race and racial relations until Obama assumed the highest office and made me think about these things,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “And that’s not all,” echoed Speaker of the house John Boehner, “until this President, it never occurred to me that I should question a President’s place of birth, whether or not he was a secret Muslim, or had the ability or authority to negotiate with foreign powers, or have the audacity to wear a tan suit in public without an American flag pin. But this President has deliberately made me think about all of these divisive issues.”
“Who knows what treacherous, treasonous, disrespectful and hateful thing this President will make us do next,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “To stop him from making us do these terrible things, we patriotic Republicans may have to secede from the union or at a minimum, if Obama insists he is human, secede from the human race.”