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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In a little reviewed passage of the holding by the Supreme Court in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the Court said corporations have the same Constitutional rights as people, said, "Corporations with rights of personhood, can even run for the presidency of the United States as long as they were incorported in America at least 35 years ago."

This language came in focus when Halliburton announced that it will run for the presidency in the Republican primary in 2012. "Rather than line the pockets of our favorite candidate who we hope will do our bidding," said David Lesar, Halliburton CEO, "thanks to the Supremen Court, we can now eliminate the middle man and be sure of the outcome by running for office ourselves."

Haliburton says it will run on a platform of strong national defense, selling cheap weapons and exploding teabags to militias, eliminating costly long term health care by terminating the sick, and by letting our core voters know that the only think black about Halliburton are our black operations. Halliburton says it's narrowing down its choices for vice persident. "Sarah Palin was able to prove people did rode dinosaurs as she rode that McCainasaurus almost to victory. But we are even more impressed with her new company called the Iquit(pronounced EYE-kwit) Corporation.

The Democrats are also contemplating jumping on the Corporation bandwagon. "While Obama is still popular," said David Smiley, a Democratic strategist, "we are thinking of running UnitedHealthcare because there is nothing that says 'yes we can' than better than billions of dollars.

Ralph Nader, who plans to run as an independent on the Rumpled Jacket Party ticket said all these corporations are unsafe for America at any speed.

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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

by R J Shulman

CLAYTON, Michign - (PTSD News) - David B Stone, self proclaimed leader of the Hutaree Militia believed the government was so dangerous that he and his band of followers needed to take up arms and start killing policemen. The government thought Stone and his group were dangerous enough to arrest.

"These people were plotting murder and mayhem and should see a serious amount of jail time," said Alan Blasell, a law professor from Wayne State University, "and as such will be forced into experiencing what they fear the most, government health care."

However, the militia has found support from the White Family Legal Counsel who vow to defend the group all the way to the Supreme Court. "Forcing these patriot heroes to suffer through the torture of socialized medicine certainly qualifies as a violation of cruel and unusual punnishment clause of the Eighth Amendment," said Clayton Dennis of the WFLC, "It's outrageous how these liberals don't want to waterboard terrorists, but when it comes to real Americans, they can't wait to torture them with something much worse - government run medicine."

Dennis may be right, as U.S. Attorney Barbara McQuade said subjecting the militia to jail where they would likely get injured and need government health care might just make other anti-health care militia think twice before they commit violent acts against the government.

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Monday, March 29, 2010

by R J Shulman

KILL DEVIL HILLS, North Carolina - (PTSD News) - Grand Dragon Bo Lee Bobby of the North Carolina Ku Klux Klan announced today that his organization will merge with the largest Tea Party group in his state. "Due to forced liberal political correctness, our fine organization has had to practically operate underground," Bobby said, "so being able to now be known as the Tea Party will help us advance our agenda in the open. It's like a hood had been lifted from my shoulders."

"We were encouraged and amazed at how many essential points both of our groups agreed on, such as states rights and wanting to remove that foreign born socialist uppity Muslim from his illegal occupation of the White House," said Bobby, "and of course, we both don't want to pay taxes that go to all those welfare mothers."

"We welcome our brothers into our fold," said Frank Pitts, a Tea Party leader from Wilson, North Carolina, "it's like we all belong under one giant sheet. We must unite to throw off the tyranny of northern socialists dictating what polite speech we must use in public. Like Sarah Palin said, it's time to take our country back, take it back to 1860."

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Saturday, March 27, 2010

by R J Shulman

BENNETSVILLE, South Carolina - (PTSD News) - Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC), best known for shouting "you lie" as President Obama spoke to Congress, announced to a cheering crowd that he is introducing a bill to repay descendants of slave owners for the loss of their property when their slaves were freed in 1865. "If Obama can run his whole administration as one big reparation to black people," Wilson said, "then it's only fair the government compensate children of slave owners who were unfairly and without due process deprived of their property by northern liberals after the War Between the States."

"We are confident the Supreme Court will uphold any law that awards damages to descendants of slave owners, as freeing the slaves violated the Tenth Amendment which grants states the decision of whether slavery is legal," said Ted Bruner, a lawyer with the conservative Heritage Foundation.

"It's about time someone stands up for opressed white people," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel, "Ever since the Civil Rights Riots of the godless sixties, whipped up by ACORN, there has been nothing but reparations and hand out to those people who thanks to political correctness, we can't even call by their traditional Southern names."
"I caint wait to get a piece of the pie back," said Clem Hogg, an unemployed grave digger from Doraville, Georgia, "me and my cousin Lester could sure use some repatriation cash due us from when those Union socialists took them slaves from my great great great granddaddy Wilfred's Agony Acres Plantation over yonder there in Alpharetta."

"If we can get the Tea Partiers on board with this, as I think we can," said GOP statigist Charles Heinz, "we should be will on our way to taking back the House and the Senate."

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Thursday, March 25, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican leaders are vehemently denying their tactics and rhetoric have been responsible for the major recent increase in political violence. "Just because I said it's time to take aim and drop those terrorist health care supporters in their tracks is not reason to blame me if a few patriotic Americans exercise their Second Amendment rights to rightgeously blow the heads off those who support Nazi Muslim Communist death panelists who want shove their socialist health care down our throats," said former Alaskan governor and former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

"The liberal press has it all wrong when they accuse me of telling Tea Party heroes to hang and burn in effigy the tyrant who has occupied the White House," said Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) "I never said nothing about it being in effigy."

"When I ask who among my followers will be the hero to step up and end the rein of terror of the American Nazi Democrat Party that's led by that racist reparation minded dictator who hates white people, I can't see how this could be connected in any way with fair and balanced minded Americans wanting to exercise their First Amendment rights to shout the truth at Obama and his henchmen and to exercise their God given rights to protect themselves with preemtive strikes against home grown liberal terrorits. And where does it say in the Constitution that you can't use the N word?"

"If there is anyone to blame for any violence, it's the Democrats themselves," said House Minoirty Leader John Boehner, "they're the one who are trying to reform health care and the ones who have elected a black president years before Americans are ready for such radical ideas."

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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Florida along with nine other states immediately filed suit in federal court within minutes of President Barack Obama signing the new health care reform bill. "This is a states' rights issue," said Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum, "We treat our uninsureds good down here and don't need no northern bleeding heart uninsured person lovers getting all uppity about our business."

McCollum said the lawsuit challenges the constitutionality of the bill's provision that mandates Americans get health care coverage. "How dare these socalist terrorist Nazi Communists try and force private health care companies to insure unprofitable patients," McCollum said, "that's so anti-capitalist." "The main problem with this bill is that it does contain tort reform to stop frivolous lawsuits against doctors," said Troy King, Alabama's attorney general, "so we are suing to have the bill thrown out."

All the attorneys general in the ten suing states are Republicans, but deny that politics have played a part in their actions. "The Democrat leaders have alot of nerve accusing us of playing politics just because we want this bill to fail so Obama will fail," said Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff.

McCollum said he expects to lose in the lower courts, but welcomes a chance to bring the case to the US Supreme Court. "I can't wait to take our case to Justice Roberts and Alito who have assured me they will find unconstitutional any law that could come between a health insurance executive and his God given bonus."

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Saturday, March 20, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - While there was certainly a great deal of anger displayed by angry signs and rhetoric at the recent Tea Party demonstration in Washington to protest health care reform, there didn't appear to be any unifying reasons for the protest. The Post Times Sun Dispatch interviewed some of the participants who stated many different reasons for traveling to the nation's capital.

Hal Benedict who traveled all the way from Marysville, California said, "Why would I want a government bureaucrat getting between me and my doctor when I already have an insurance company CEO to get between me and my doctor?" "I'm protesting against all those America haters who say our health care system is not number one," said Connor Haley, of Mineral, Texas, "you don't see dead Americans going to Canada for health care, but you sure see dead Canadians coming here to see American doctors."

Ray Lee Gilstrap an unemployed roofer from Raleigh, North Carolina believes there is no need for a federal government at all. "I can protect myself just fine," Gilstrap said, "with my shotgun and 17 hound dogs, except now it's 16. I had to shoot 'ol Studcake 'cause he was turning gay." "I'd rather pay a high jacked-up health care premium to have American health care than to allow socialized medicine to take away the God given right of a hard working insurance company CEO not to have to get a call on the golf course that his bonus won't be as big as expected," said Bo Swinehardt who carried a sign depicting President Obama dressed up like Joseph Stalin.

"Flo Wiggins, holding a sign reading, "Save our endangered insurance," said "I'm sick of Democrats trying to get votes by blaming the insurance CEO's for dropping or denying coverage. It's not their fault when some cry baby gets sick." "I don't care if 40,000 Americans will die this year without health care insurance, as long as we don't pass a bill where an illegal Mexican could get in to see a doctor before me," said Wilton Whitehall, a Tea Party leader from Sierra Vista, Arizona.

"If God wanted us to have health care as a right, we would be born with an insurance card in our hand," said Roger Flembolt. "I'm against this bill because it give special rights to sick people," said Henrietta Horne who brought her family from Bristol, Virgina to protest health care reform, "where does it say in the Constitution that you have special right to be healthy?"

"Why am I protesting" responded Mack Trugg of Hurricane, West Virgina, "I'll tell you why I'm protesting. This is America, the land of the free, yet we have an uppity person in the White House who doesn't know that all men are created equal."

Most of the protestors said they would continue their grass roots fight by traveling all over the country to protest health care reform as long as the insurance companies keep paying for their transportation.

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Friday, March 19, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republicans are accusing the Democrats of enlisting the help of the Prince of Darkness to help them get health reform through congress. "If there was any doubt the Democrats will stop at nothing to shove Obamacare down our throats," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "all you need to look at is how quickly they called on the devil himself for help."

"The Democrats, led by the anti-Christ Obama have conjured up the dirtiest and most sinister of plans by asking Satan's henchmen, the demons to use the dreaded 'demon pass' to get the bill passed without a vote," said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA). Cantor was referring to the "deem and pass" procedure where a bill can be "deemed" passed without a vote, with lawmakers voting on various amendments later.

When told that the GOP had used the deem and pass procedure at least 36 times when they were in power, Sen. Kyl (R-AZ) said, "when Republicans used the rule, we did it for the baby Jesus. while the liberals want to use it with the blessing of Beelzebub that will send our republic into the depths of hell."

TV evangelist, Pat Robertson asked his viewers on his 700 Club broadcast to send him donations as large as they could afford saying, "the good Lord told me I must raise a million dollars by Friday or else the demons brought forth will be gay demons." "The Democrats are hell bent on rushing health care reform upon us," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "every rational person knows we need at least another 60 years to study this issue before making hasty ill-advised laws."

So far Democrats are not sure if they will use the deem and pass rule, reconciliation or common sense to achieve health care reform. "We are concerned that if too many Democrats actually agree on the same thing, it could cause hell to freeze over," said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - Fox News is reporting that child actor Corey Haim's death was due to using prescription drugs that came from Canada. "Haim will become the poster child of why we can't have health care reform that would allow Americans to buy drugs such as Exilathizinplyzalitel that killed Haim from north of the border when the drug purchased here, although ten times the price, would have been much safer," said Sean Hannity.

"Haim's death goes to show you why I would rather go deaf than get prescriptions from Canada," said Rush Limbaugh. "I make sure my illegal alien cleaning lady only got me legal drugs made in the good old USA."

"If we let Obama Care take over our wonderful number one in the world health care system," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "there would be such a shortage of doctors we'd have to import them from India, health care premiums would sky rocket, infant mortality rates would rise and we would have millions of Americans who couldn't afford health care. Obama is so bad for America that even before his socialist health care reforms get shoved down our throats, Obama has caused these things to happen."

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Sunday, March 14, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican strategists may actually agree with one of their arch foes, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, that the only thing they have to fear is fear itself. Except with the modern GOP, what they fear about fear is that they may not have fanned their donors' fears enough.

A recent Republican fundraising memo surfaced that their strategy to increase donations would be based on whipping up fears that President Obama was moving the country toward socialism. Predictably, Democrats attacked the plan, but surprisingly, many Republicans have also found fault with the plan. "While threats of socialism or depicting Obama as 'the joker' may have caused anxiety in the past, it's not cutting it in today's tough environment," said Wayne Lee Stanton of the Patriot League, a conservative think tank in Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, "To get to the level of fear Republicans need for successful fundraising, they must depict Obama as a practicing voodoo satanist Muslim Communist Nazi and print posters of him with horns and a tail."

"Republicans should learn from their greatest success which was convincing their base that protecting the bonuses of health care CEOs were more important than protecting the lives of thousands of Americans who will die without health care coverage," said Carla Tompkins, a Patriot League researcher, "While using the scare tactics of Obama's death panels were a good start, the GOP needs to spread the word that unless Obama is stopped, he will not only take away all the guns from white men, but make them work in the cotton fields while their wives and daughters are sold to black slave owners. That should bring in a few sheckles."

"We can't let those anti-American liberals co-opt our conservative birth right to using fear by trying to scare us into being politically correct to not go all out to terrorize the public into voting for our candidates," said Rush Limbaugh.

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Thursday, March 11, 2010

by R J Shulman
AUSTIN, Texas - (PTSD News) - Fresh from their recent success in passing laws to rewrite school history textbooks to drop discussions of FDR and unions in favor of what they called conservative intellectuals such as George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, the Texas Legislature passed a law that all Bibles in the state must be updated.

"The Bible was obviously written by Jewish liberals from New York," said Candace Sue Burnham (R-Plano), "so it's time we Christians take our Bible back to stress true family values such as hating gays, illegal Mexicans, Muslims and especially hating illegal gay Mexican Muslims." "The current version of the Bible is riddled with Communist propaganda about Jesus helping the poor," said Wayne Plugg (R-San Angelo), "that's obviously hogwash because if Jesus loved those poor people so much, he would have made them rich."

"Everyone knows that the gay agenda was to make sure the Bible left out all the gospels that our merciful Lord's greatest pleasure was to smite homosexuals," said Reverend Chuck Amer of the First Church of the Exploding Pentecost of Palestine, Texas, "so we're putting all that stuff back in."

The new approved Bible, named the King James Dobson version after the founder of the popular Focus on the Family broadcasts, also adds passages that anyone voting for Democrats must be stoned to death, that global warming is Satan's favorite lie, greediness is next to godliness, people who don't speak English should be banished from the kingdom, and that slavery is not so bad if it can keep those people off the streets. The hollowed out bible also comes with a handgun inside.

"The good Lord has smiled on us," said Carlton Bolton, the president and CEO of Hallelujah Press, a subsidiary of Halliburton who got a no bid exclusive contract to manufacture the new bibles. Bolton, a major contributor to the Bush/Cheney campaign and the Republican party said, "this is proof that God helps those that help themselves."

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Friday, March 05, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican leaders have confirmed a story first published by the Post Times Sun Dispatch that they will make an all out effort to officially change the word "we" in all government documents to "me." "With the theft of the presidency by that socialist Barack Obama with the help of the Acornistas," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "it is imperative that we stop the spread of Communism by any means possible and the most obvious place to start is to eliminate the most Communist of all words in the English language - we."

"Our first proposal will be for us to officially change the language of the Preamble to the Constitution from 'we the people' to 'me the people' to better the reflect the intentions of the founding fathers that the country is here for individualistic achievements and not for a bunch of hand holding socialists trying to tax real Americans into poverty," said Eric Cantor (R-VA). "America is all about self-made men, like George W. Bush and not people like Barack Obama who had everything handed to him due to affirmative action," said House Minority Leader John Boehner.

"We, I mean me can't condone language such at that hateful word, 'we' that encourages people to live off of off tax payer government jobs their whole life," said Senator John McCain, whose career in the military and congress has spanned five decades. McCain, who is facing a tough primary challenge from the right, was in the middle of a fund raiser in which he has lined up celebrities to sing a version of "Me Are the World," for release at the end of March.

"I am glad we, er I am helping to get rid of 'we,''" said former Vice President Dick Cheney. "There is certainly no place in America for a world that sounds so French and gay."

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Wednesday, March 03, 2010

by R J Shulman

BETHESDA, Maryland - (PTSD News) - Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) was hospitalized today, according to his spokesperson, due to a severe finger sprain and acute hoarseness. Bunning blamed his middle finger injury on "those damn liberal reporters who needed me to flip them the bird to understand that when it comes to unemployment insurance extensions, my frickin' no means no." Apparently the hand injury occurred when the senator flipped the finger to a reporter who asked him why he was holding up unemployment benefits.

Sources close to the Kentucky Senator said that Bunning's actions to stop the extension of unemployment benefits was not simple obstructionism. "There was a real purpose here," said Bunning staffer Knox Covington, "Jim wanted to get the leaches and blood suckers kicked off the unemployment roles so that when they came crawling back they could be denied health insurance because every malady they had would then be a pre-existing condition."

Dr. Lawrence Fiske who treated the former Hall of Fame pitcher turned Senator said "his burned out throat looked like he had been screaming as if he had just won the World Series for the hapless Chicago Cubs, but he wrecked his vocal cords screaming 'no' for so many months that his voice just gave out."

A Bunning spokesman said the senator is anxious to get out of the hospital so he can get back to the important business of representing the people by buying himself a new yacht so he can sail away from "the annoying losers who are looking for government handouts when it comes to health care." "Jim says the call for health care reform is utterly ridiculous as his treatment at Bethesda Naval Hospital was the best in the world," the spokesman added.

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