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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – President Bush seemed to surprise the world and even his most staunch supporters last Sunday when he told ABC-TV's George Stephanopolous that “we were never stay the course.” However, senior Presidential and Republican officials have been quick to explain the apparent sudden abandonment of one of the President’s most used slogans.

He never meant ‘stay the course’ in Iraq,” said Presidential Press Secretary, Tony Snow, “he meant stay on the golf course.” “I thought he meant stay for the seven course meal,” said Speaker of the House, J. Dennis Hastart, “which reminds me that I haven’t eaten in minutes and I’m famished.”

“I clearly heard him say we should stay and run,” said Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, “and in that, he is unwavering.” “He has been completely steadfast,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “in that it has always been shock and stay.” “I am sure it was ‘stay and torture,’” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

“I believe strongly, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney who cut and ran to his bunker, “that ‘stay the course’ is in its final throes.”

Thursday, October 12, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush signed a bill passed by congress that outlines the proper manner in which to retire an old copy of the United States Constitution. It provides that copies of the worn out and useless document must be disposed of in a specific fashion that involves burning the manuscript. “We don’t need no stinkin’ warrant,” Bush quipped as he signed the historic measure.

“Burning copies of the Constitution in a ceremonial manner is fitting for such a quaint old document,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “This should put to rest,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “the wailing cries of the ACLU and other terrorist organizations.”

“I can’t burn enough of these,” said a cheery Vice President Dick Cheney from his smoke filled bunker.

The President plans to burn the original document that was signed in Philadelphia in 1787 in the White House Rose Garden at a press conference scheduled for tomorrow At 3PM.

A similar bill, providing adequate retirement of the Magna Carter is winding its way through congress. “I will signacate that one, too,” said President Bush, “and will send anyone who voted against that bill to the Tower of London, and that ain’t some bargained priced high-rising luxury hotel you get on Priceline.”

Saturday, October 07, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – By a vote of 269-152, mostly along party lines, the House passed a bill banning all hot young nubile pages from employment in any congressional office. “We have been infiltrated,” said Speaker of the House, J. Dennis Hastart R-Ill, “by a salacious group of young people bent upon destroying the Republican party by sexually enticing god-fearing Republican congressmen.”

“The preliminary research shows that these delicious sex-crazed youngsters were at one time trained by the Communists,” said Senior Presidential Advisor, Karl Rove, “but since the fall of the iron curtain, they have been sent here by Al Qaeda, funded by the Democrats and George Soros, and given the spotlight by the liberal media, especially ABC-TV.”

“We have to firmly get to the bottom of this,” said Representative Thomas M. Reynolds, R-NY, “before their firm bottoms get to all of us.”

“As the decider,” said President George W. Bush, “I have decided that these fabulously toned young people be declairified enemy combatants and shipped to undisclosed locations for questioning.”

An unnamed White House spokesperson said the pages will be interrogated by former Representative Mark Foley as soon as he is released from rehab. “It is only fair,” the spokesperson said, “that Mark gets to torture these hot pages after they had been torturing him for years.”

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

CLAXTON, Georgia - The claim by Representative Mark Foley R-Fl, that his alcoholism was the cause of his inappropriate behavior with underage Congressional pages has sparked an angry comment from a resident of this tiny Georgia hamlet. “It’s all a bunch of excuses,” said Satan, “to cover up sinful behavior, that I caused.”

“I convince Bob Ney of Ohio to sell his vote, yet he blames the bottle. I get Mel Gibson worked up about Jews, but when he gets popped, does he say the Devil made him do it? Noooo! Now Foley, who I coached for years, credits his dirty little mind to some fermented malt. Can’t the Prince of Darkness get a little respect these days?”

When Democratic Senator Harry Reid of Nevada heard Beelzebub’s comments, he said, “I am worried what the Republican spin machine might do knowing both the Democrats and Satan think corrupt and immoral Conservatives are making lame excuses for their reprehensible behavior.”

“It is clear,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “that the Democrats and the Devil are on the same page, but not the same young nubile page that Bob Foley was on, of course.”

“The next think you know,” moaned the Devil, “these Republican Neo-Cons will be blaming all of their monstrous behavior on substance abuse when I worked so hard breaking down their inhibitions.”

President Bush said doesn’t need to make excuses as, “the drinking I don’t do anymore is what made me invade the wrong country. I thought I was pointing to Afghanistan to get that Bin Laden fellah dead or alive, but my eyes went fuzzy and I guess my hand pointed to Iraq.”

“I know I’ll get their souls, eventually” said a downtrodden Devil, “but what’s wrong with wanting to get a little credit where credit is due?”

“I have to admit,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “that a couple of pulls on ol’ Jack Daniels and I can’t stop myself from torturing detainees.”

“We made a deal, and they welshed,” said Satan, “so I guess I’ll have to take back what they wanted the most - power, and with the mid-term election is right around the corner…”