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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Newt Gingrich told his supporters not to lose heart after his loss to Mitt Romney in the Florida primary, because unlike Romney who is a political candidate, he is simply a historian offering advice to the Republican Party.  “Frankly, it’s amazing that a mere historian could frankly have such a strong showing against a career politician, like Romney.”  Gingrich said he is looking forward to March because he believes that some southern states that are holding primaries such as Georgia and Mississippi may have a better understanding of why a historian is better than a politician.

Gingrich attributed his strong showing with Florida evangelicals to the fact that, “frankly, they know that not only have I asked Jesus for forgiveness for anything untoward I may have done in the past, but I have already asked Jesus to forgive me for anything bad I may do in the future.”

Monday, January 30, 2012


by R J Shulman
BUNKER FALLS, Wyoming – (PTSD News Service) – With the Republican nominating process breaking down like a typical day in the US Congress, top Republican Party officials tapped former Vice President Dick Cheney to lead a committee to choose a presidential candidate to defeat President Obama in 2012.   Late today, Dick Cheney announced the results of his comprehensive study saying, “After a thorough review of 34 possible candidates, I have come to the unanimous decision that the best candidate is me.”  Cheney explained that he possessed the experience, the intestinal fortitude and the ability to make tough decisions regardless of whether the action is popular, legal or even human.

Cheney said he accepted the challenge to find a new candidate this late in the game because in his words, “the Republican electorate is so brainless that they have given us a choice between Mr. Seedy and Mr. Greedy.  I can’t wait until we Republicans pass such restrictive voting laws that make it so hard to vote that none of these ass clowns are able to cast a ballot. Cheney said that “Palin, Cain, Perry, Santorum, Bachmann and especially Gingrich and Romney should not only be barred from entering Washington, but be immediately shipped to Gitmo.”
Cheney concluded by saying, “I can beat Obama, I can really beat Obama, especially with the vast variety of the nasty torture tools I have at my disposal.”

Sunday, January 29, 2012



by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Fox News is planning to air a series of special news reports that take aim at President Barack Obama and the Democrats. While the details are sparse, the secret memo obtained by the PTSD from Fox News President Roger Ailes lists a dozen news reports now in production.    


From:  Roger Ailes

To: Rush Limbaugh and the Echo Chamber

Date:  Almost too late

Thank you for your efforts to make the Kenyan usurper a one term president.  Due to the GOP candidates going at each other like they were Democrats, we have to step up our efforts to turn the White House white again.  This is to give you a heads up on the “dirty dozen” specials we will be running.  If you have any material to add, please contact me.  Remember, the truth is our enemy and hatred is our guide.

1.      Can Voting For Obama Turn You Gay?  - The startling results from a comprehensive Liberty University study.

2.       Is Obama Really Osama Bin Laden? – Have you ever seen Obama and Osama in the same room?

3.      How Affirmative Action Thugs Produce False Documents – How community organizers turned gang members are able to create false Hawaiian birth certificates

4.      What Obama Has Promised Illegal Aliens For Their Vote – It’s not what you think, but you should lock up your wives and daughters.

5.      Would Jesus Forgive Obama? – The ultimate test of Christ’s compassion.

6.      How Four More Years Of A Muslim President Will Destroy America – It’s not what you think but you should hang on to your bibles and guns.

7.      Do You Know What ‘Barak Obama’ Means in Kenyan” – We won’t give this away, but it rhymes with Badolph Bitler.

8.      Why Being A Community Organizers Is More Anti-American And Anti-Christian Than Cheating On A Few Wives or Laundering Money In The Cayman Islands And Swiss Banks – The title may be shortened if a GOP candidate is actually chosen.

9.      Is Your Name On Obama’s Death Panel List? – To find out, submit your name, ssn, bank routing and account number to

10.  Is Obama Planning To Boost The Economy By Using White Slaves? – The surprising answer and why you need to learn how to rap to a hep beat, step-up your basketball game, and learn that a bitch is not a female dog and a ho is not a garden tool.

11.  How Obama Plans To Destroy Your Marriage – It’s not what you think, but hang on to your wives and daughters and bibles and guns and Viagra and stack of Hustler magazines.

12.  Is Voting For Democrats A Sure Sign Of Mental Illness, Being A Marxist Socialist Nazi, Betraying The Baby Jesus or All Three – New Heritage Foundation Study Reveals The Surprising Answer.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

By R J Shulman

JUPITER, Florida - (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to counter the recent claims that he is out of touch with 99% of Americans, Mitt Romney told a small crowd at Hockney’s Hot Cars that he was just like them. Dressed in a brand new pair of Dussault Apparel’s Trashed Denim $250,000 jeans, and a $100,000 pink jacket over a $3,500 Hawaiin shirt, Romney said, “My valet puts my pants on me one leg at a time, just like you do. Sometimes when I am on one of my yachts, I watch the same football games as you do. My chauffer drives me down the same highways as you drive.”
Romney told the crowd that “I am no stranger to factories. I have been in many. OK, so you were there to work and make something, while I as there to see if I could suck the wealth out of it, but that’s just a little detail and not a real difference between you an me. When it comes time for you to vote, don’t let a man who was born into the privilege of affirmative action in Kenya try and convince you he knows anything about achieving greatness through hard work.”
Romney ended his appearance by asking for support, urging his audience to “vote for me and I will show you how life can be an enriching and rewarding experience and who better than I to know all about being enriched and rewarded.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


by R J  Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels gave the Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union speech.  Calling it the State of the Confederacy in honor of a GOP planned Southern History Month, Daniels called on Americans to “reject the divisionary politics of the Obama administration which seeks to pit the races and rich and poor against each other as the Kenyan born socialist and his thugs attempt to build a dependent nation of uppity welfare queens, gangs of midnight basketball players and lazy food stamp freeloaders who steal money from the people who have worked so hard to inherit their wealth.”

“This year is an opportunity for Republicans to complete the agenda we started with President Reagan to remove all taxes and all regulations which are financially crushing to Corporations, CEOs, bank executives and the top Wall Street financiers and preventing these job creating job creators from creating jobs.  Why I know of one hedge fund manager who would have hired an additional maid if he didn’t have to pay taxes.”

Daniels said, “America must look to the energy jobs of the future, like building oil pipelines, nuclear power plants and fracking for oil and gas and stripping mountains for coal instead of Obama’s failed plans for solar energy, wind power and other so called doomed alternative energy schemes.” 

“Most important of all,” Daniels said, “we need to return to the greatness of the time of American exceptionalism, where Negros were in the fields, women were in the kitchen, gays were in the closet and the poor were in debtors prison.”  

Monday, January 23, 2012


By R J Shulman

SULFUR SPRINGS, Wyoming – (PTSD News Service) – Former President George W. Bush announced today that he has located the elusive weapons of mass destruction of the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.  Bush stumbled upon a large cache of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons when he took a wrong turn inside his former vice president’s underground complex.  “Dick called me to a strategery meeting, about how I should wait about thirty years before I hire a book writer to ghosticate my autobiography, and the next thing you know I accidently opened a door to an arsenal as big as the great outside.”

Bush told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that Cheney was just as surprised as he was at the discovery.  “Dick said it proved how tricky that Saddam guy was to hide all of these WMDs in the last place anyone would suspect, Cheney’s secret hideout.”

In an interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News set to air tomorrow, Cheney explains that the discovery of these weapons once and for all justifies the invasion of Iraq and removal of Hussein, “before he could retrieve the weapons and use them on Americans, which is why it is important for Americans to vote for the Republican nominee, whether he turns out to be a flip-flopping Mormon or a disgraced former Speaker of the House.”    

Sunday, January 22, 2012


by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Sunshine may no longer be free in the Sunshine State if Republican lawmakers get their way.  Proposed Committee Bill 7710 introduced Friday by the GOP controlled legislature proposes to prevent “the wholesale theft by freeloaders of the state most precious resource, the sun.”

The bill proposes that the rights to the sun be privatized, sold to certain companies on no-bid contracts with a small royalty going to the State to offset a separate GOP bill that proposes to reduce state tax rate on those earning over $500,000 a year to a little less than 1%.  The sunshine bill was proposed by the Senate rules committee, so the bill’s sponsor can remain secret.   The bill has received great support from Exxon-Mobil, BP and Koch Industries.  “We have long been criticized by those who hate capitalism, democracy and freedom for supporting unrenewable fossil fuels,” said Rex Tillerson, CEO of  Exxon, “but when this bill becomes law, we will be able to begin to seriously develop the solar energy that people are crying out for.”

This bill will have several beneficial side effects,” said a GOP Senator who wished to remain anonymous, “charging a fee for being out in the sun will discourage any more Jews from New York to move down here as those people prefer to get things wholesale or for free.”   The spokesperson said that the new law also contains a provision that being eligible to by sunshine will be limited to whites only.  “This bill is not racist as African-Americans can still get their day in the sun in exchange for performing a few simple tasks like cleaning mansions, picking cotton and other odd jobs around the plantations.”

Governor Rick Scott says he can’t wait to sign the bill as soon as it reaches his desk saying the new law would be like a ray of sunshine compared to the darkness of socialism.  However, an effort to privatize the Florida prison system last year ran into a roadblock from the Florida Supreme Court who held that law as being unconstitutional.  “We feel confident that we can withstand any constitutional challenge,” said Sheb Webber an attorney for Reach for the Sun, a foundation that supports the new legislation, “as only life, liberty and happiness are protected in the Constitution.  I don’t see anything about having a right to steal sunrays from those that have worked hard to secure the rights to it.”

Saturday, January 21, 2012



by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – Moments after the major news networks and Fox projected Newt Gingrich the winner in the South Carolina primary, the former Speaker of the House delivered divorce papers to his wife, Callista who had recently come down with a cold.  “When my sagging campaign took off after I attacked moderator John King for asking about me wanting an open marriage,” Gingrich said, “I knew frankly, that whatever I do in the future, I can blame the liberal media and my popularity with the Republican base will soar.”

Gingrich who is projected to beat second place finisher Romney by 13 percentage points in the South Carolina primary, told a cheering crowd, “Thank you for understanding that no matter how mean, racist and unfaithful I am to my wives, you understand that it’s the fault of the socialist press.” Gingrich revealed that he plans to marry Ashleigh Braggert, a twenty-three year old blonde campaign worker from Valdosta, Georgia.

“This is crazy,” Romney told a Post Times Sun Dispatch reporter after giving his concession speech, “I am a Mormon with one wife and the Catholic with at least three wives kicks my behind in a family values state.”

Friday, January 20, 2012


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a candid interview with Barbara Walters set to air next Tuesday on ABC, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney asked, “Have you ever wanted something so bad you could almost taste it?  Why if I had to kill me a son like Abraham was asked to do just to hear the words ‘President Romney,’ I’d fry up my Taggart or Matthew in a New York minute.  Umm-ummm, that would be so scrumptious.”

When Walters asked if he would even sell his soul to live in the White House, Romney said, “I guess I could sell it to Satan again.  After all, I sold it to Lucifer all bundled up with other worthless properties and got it back for a song when the Horned One’s investments tanked and I hid it in the Cayman Islands.”

Walters:  Why do you want to be the President so badly that you would abandon all shreds of decency, morality and humanity?”

Romney:  Do you have any idea what I could get by selling America for its parts?”

Thursday, January 19, 2012


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – House Majority Leader John Boehner attacked President Obama for being a job killer when he failed to approve the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline and other projects that in Boehner’s words “would have America back on track to be the economy of tomorrow, instead of the current president who favors old fashioned projects such as solar energy. By his actions, Obama has just given away these forward thinking American jobs to China.”

Boehner said there are plenty of jobs to be had in the private sector, but Obama and his safety and environmental terrorists are blocking American workers from taking such employment. “There are countless jobs for installing leftover asbestos in schools and other public buildings, spraying DDT and other such substances to protect American crops, applying already available brightly colored lead paint to children’s toys and painting radium on watch dials, yet this president, when he is not praying to Allah at a Christian Church with a pastor who hates America, uses his misbegotten powers to veto these great job opportunities for Americans.”

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich agreed, touting his own plans for job creation. “My plan will take poor black children who have no work ethic and give them real job opportunities as replacements for canaries in coal mines, substitutes for animals in product testing, and the well paying jobs of testing the effects of various weapons of mass destruction on the human body.”

“When it comes to the election in November,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “I hope Americans remember which party wanted to give them jobs and which party wanted to give them the business.”

Sunday, January 15, 2012


By R J Shulman

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – (PTSD News Service) – Corrections Corporation of America announced a joint venture with the United States Government and about half of the states to build large facilities in China to provide a home for members of the Occupy Wall Street Movement that sprung up all over the country.  “We are proud to serve America by solving the housing problem of all of those citizens who have overrun some of America’s finest parks and streets outside government buildings,” said John Ferguson, Chairman of the Board of CCA.

CCA estimated that their new facilities in China will be able to provide shelter and one square meal a day to over two-hundred and seventy million Americans, or approximately 99% of the population.  “No longer will the homeless, shiftless, lazy, unwashed hippies who are jealous of the job creators and hard working billionaires have to block up our streets and public places,” said David Koch, president of Koch industries, who helped broker the deal. “Even though these people despise us 1%ers, we still have been kind enough to fund this project which will give them a roof over their heads and the security of knowing that no one can break in or out of their new homes.”

The deal, which included the Chinese government, will move millions of Chinese people to America.  “This will stop the complaints about jobs going to China,” said Koch, “Jobs will now stay in America because we will soon have men, women and cute little children willing to work for five dollars a day and who won’t complain about coffee breaks, getting weekends off or workplace safety.”   Koch also pointed out that there are plenty of houses already here in America for the Chinese who will come over here to work, because of all the empty houses in foreclosure or left empty by occupy protestors who “won’t be coming back to their houses any time soon,” Koch said, “and besides, the Chinese don’t whine like brats when twenty-five or thirty of them have to live in one room.”

Friday, January 13, 2012


by R J Shulman

DETROIT – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that back in 1962, when American Motors was a struggling number four behind GM, Ford, and Chrysler, CEO George W. Romney had a revolutionary idea to make his company more competitive.  Romney planned to replace expensive union workers with robots.

Built out of unused Hudson and Nash parts, the prototype robot, called the AMC 999 was designed to build the Rambler station wagon.  However, instead of making cars, all the robot could do was fire people and steal their pensions. 

“I made the robot in my own image,” wrote George W. Romney in a secret 1987 memo obtained by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “I know I should have deactivated Willard as I called him, although he soon got the nickname Mitt because he couldn’t keep his mitts off other people’s property.  But instead, I sent him out into the world. What harm could he do?  It was not like he was going to get into a position of leadership where he could harm people.”

When confronted by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Mitt Romney vehemently denied he was the AMC 999, and said, “Corporation are people, Corporations are people, Corporations are people, Corporations are people….”

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


By R J Shulman

WITCHES FALLS, New Hampshire – (PTSD News) – Mitt Romney called Donald Trump an “amateur” when it comes to the enjoyment of letting people go.  “Donald fires people on a trumped up so-called TV reality show, while I’ve done it for years in the real world,” Romney said.   

Trump fired back, saying that, “Romney has often sent henchmen to actually inform employees they were getting the ax, instead of doing it himself.  Now, where is the man courage in having others pass out pink slips?”  Besides,” Trump continued, “I’ve heard that the Rominator keeps flip flopping on how many people will be let go if he becomes president.”

“I fired people first.  Trump is just a copycat,” Romney responded. “At least I suck all of the value out of a business before everyone gets fired.  Trump shoots off his mouth, powders his wig and before you know it, people are forced to leave their jobs because the Donald’s incompetency has caused him to once again have to declare bankruptcy.”

To back up his claim that he is more genuinely excited by firing people, Romney has posted a list of all of the Americans who will lose their job if he becomes president and carries out his promise to privatize social security and Medicare, dismantle all of the agencies that Rick Perry was unable to name and sells the rest of America for its parts.  To see if you have made Romney’s list of those who are slated to get fired, visit and type in the key phrase “vulture capitalism.”

Monday, January 09, 2012


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Fox News Senior Fact Checker Lance Fenster was relieved of his duties after he researched facts and changed a news report to say that President Obama has a better record of creating jobs than George W. Bush.  The original story that was submitted, had said just the opposite.  “I could barely believe my ears when Bret Baier told the truth about Obama’s superior record,” said Fox News producer Richard Lasher, “I snapped off his mike switch as quickly as I could, but the damage was done.  Fortunately, we got it stopped before it could hit the west coast.”

“You wouldn’t believe the negative calls we got pouring into our network as soon as that story went out,” said Fox News President, Roger Ailes who personally escorted Fenster out of the Fox News Center building and threw him in the direction of an oncoming cross town bus, “Death threats, outrage, people rending their clothing over the phone, and at least a half-dozen suicides from loyal watchers who could not handle hearing that Obama did anything better than Bush.”

This was not the first time Fenster hit the Fox firing line for telling the truth by mistake.  Back in May 2011, Fenster allowed a piece of copy go to a Fox anchor that said the Obama administration was responsible for the killing of Osama Bin Laden instead of giving the credit to the Bush administration.  “Fortunately, we caught that one in time,” Ailes said, “but this new error by Fenster is unforgivable.”

Fenster, who is hiding at an unknown location along with Salman Rushdie and Steve Bartman, the fan who interfered with a foul ball in the 2003 playoff series causing the Cubs to miss the World Series, said the mistake was due to his severe dyslexia. “Those people at Fox should thank Dog they don’t have to twist facts and spin lies with my condition.”

Sunday, January 08, 2012

by R J Shulman

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to clarify his controversial position that African Americans should demand pay checks and not food stamps, Newt Gingrich said he favors having “whites only” food stamps because it would force blacks to have to find work.  “Blacks have a history of relying on the government or a master to provide for them and taking away food stamps would force them to break the legacy of slavery,” Gingrich said.  “Besides it would bring down the unemployment rate and provide an example for lazy people everywhere to get up and get a job.  Further, if I am elected president, I would eliminate the minimum wage which hampers the job creators from hiring more of those people.”

Rich Perry entered the fray by saying he would advocate “diet food stamps” to reduce the level of obesity among black people, but retracted his statement after he learned that you don’t eat food stamps.

Front runner Mitt Romney said that he was in favor of food stamps until he learned the Tea Party was against them. “I might change my mind and be in favor of food stamps again,” Romney said “if you are allowed to buy guns with them.”

Ron Paul said that printing food stamps was too expensive and that according to the Constitution, the government shouldn’t be issuing foods stamps, but that citizens should print their own food stamps.

Rick Santorum said that if God wanted people to have food stamps, He would have made sure they were born with them. 

Saturday, January 07, 2012


by R J Shulman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – Recently trailing badly in South Carolina, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has open up a wide lead over Newt Gingrich, who has plummeted in the polls after it came to light that everything Gingrich said was a lie.  The latest Times CNN poll shows Romney at 37%, with former Speaker of the House Gingrich at 17%, down from 43% just a week ago.

“Because of this new support from you all good old boys and southern belle gals,” Romney said at a rally in Charleston, “I have just come to the conclusion that the South should have won the Civil War.”  Romney unveiled a new poster with him standing in front of a rebel flag.  “I also think the liberal press has given a bad name to decent Southern civic organizations such as the KKK.”

Romney said that he now believes that the financial crisis was caused by five or so black guys who forced banks into giving them bad mortgages.  “I will not allow an affirmative action president use affirmative action to destroy the American dream,” Romney said.  “I am the only candidate who knows the good ‘Gs’ from the bad ones.  God and guns – good; Gays and Gingrich – bad.”

Romney told the crowd that if elected president he would look into whether President Lincoln had the legal authority to have freed the slaves.  “Old Abe may have called himself a Republican,” Romney said, “but he sure acted like a liberal Democrat.”