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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

BUSH TO VETO CHILREN’S HEALTH BILL SAYING “CHILD NEEDS TO REMAIN FETUS FOR GOVERNEMNT PROTECTION”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush is set to veto a bill passed by the House that would add $35 billion expansion of the popular children’s health insurance program. “The high costification of this bill,” the President said, “would take precious resources of monies away from us protecting the unborn life, includicating all them stem cell snowflakes. Besides we need the money to give them Democracy or give them death in Iraq. I think it was John Henry who penned that phrase of writing in Revolutionary times.”

Even though the House passed the measure by a wide 265-159 margin, it is not veto proof. “It’s about kids. Who could be against children’s healthcare?” said an exasperated, Representative Ray LaHood of Illinois, who supported the bill.

“The President is right to concentrate of the protection of the unborn,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “as we all know, its children, not innocent fetuses who drop out of school, join gangs, take drugs and commit crimes. To that end,” Perino continued, “the President is introducing a bill to make women have to carry the unborn not for just nine months, but for the entire life of the mother.”

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

MARCEL MARCEAU DIES IN MIME INERPRETATION MISHAP
By R J Shulman
PARIS, France - The man who single handedly brought back the ancient art of the mine, Marcel Marceau has died at the age of 84, apparently due the misinterpretation of one of his routines. “I surely thought he was dead when he crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes,” said longtime friend Claude Beaumont, “it didn’t strike me until later that he may have been indicating that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep.” “He looked dead to me,” said former assistant Emmanuel Vacca, “didn’t he look dead to you?”

However, when French authorities exhumed and examined the body upon the frantic insistence of Beaumont, Marceau was already dead, asphyxiated from being buried alive. “I am so distraught,” said longtime companion, Angelique Rousseau, “I just wish he would have said something.”

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


UN DECLARES 'DICTATOR DAY'; AHMADINEJAD AND BUSH TO SPEAK
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an move that has some doubting whether democracy is on the march, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon announced a special day for some of the better known tyrants to address the UN General Assembly. "We have been hearing second hand from these stongmen, thugs, and war lords," said Ki-moon, "that I think it would be of service for our members to hear what these despots want to spew forth directly from the horses' mouths."

"There are some amazing similarites between the two men," said world political analist Charles W. Blackman of the Vel Matre, Maryland Illiad Institute, "Ahmedinejad is expected to deny the Holloaust, while Bush will deny evolution. Ahmedinejad will say there are no gays in Iran and Bush will wish there were none in the US."

"I don't know who to be more afraid of," Mel Cuttler, a 37 year old barber said while cutting hair in his shop on East 42nd Steet, "the madman who is trying to get nuclear weapons or the one who has them already."

Monday, September 24, 2007


BUSH ON WHY BLACKWATER STAYS IN IRAQ: WOULD YOU WANT THEM FIGHTING OVER THERE OR FIGHTING OVER HERE?

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D C - In a press statement today, President Bush announced that private security firm Blackwater will stay in Iraq, desite the protests of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki after 11 Iraqi civilians were killed in a shooting involving Blackwater personel. The President said, "That Nuri al-Frankenini fellah should know that I'm the decider. I just need to make the Primier Minister understand the dead people are already dead and that the past is over, so we should just let dead horses lie."

"The real reason that it is best for America if Blackwater stays in Iraq," said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, "is would you rather have those meth-crazed, cousin marrying drunkards armed with AK47s shooting up Iraqis or for them to come home and do that on the streets of America?"

Blackwater has insisted that what they did in Iraq was lawful. "That is not technically correct," said Yale Law Professor Stanislaw "Stix" Larsen, "it's not so much that what Blackwater does complies with the law, it's just that since they are allowed to operate outside the law due to special immunity from prosecution, nothing they do can be unlawful."

Friday, September 21, 2007

CONGRESS EXPRESSES OUTRAGE OVER MOVE-ON PETRAEUS AD, AS WELL AS OUTRAGE FOR ADS FOR MCDONALDS AND TAMPONS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a vote of 72-15, the Democratically contollled congress passed a resolution outlining their outrage at a Move-On New York Times advertisement that said, "General Petraeus, or General Betray us?" "Why stop at that tasteless ad," said Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton who sponsored the amendment that added McDonald's and makers of Tampons to the list of censured adds , "when you have commericals for food that tastes bad and for personal hygiene objects that are in bad taste."

"In fact," said Senator Kerry, "there are so many of these unsavory ads that we will have to spend the next five years perfecting this list of unacceptable advertisements." "I can't beleive the thoughtlessness and sheer udacity," said Senator Pete Dominici of New Mexico, "of running adds depicting the use of Tampons when our children might be watching."

"Congrees has so much work in front of it condemning outrageous commercials," said Wallace Starland of the Brookings Institute, "that it probably will not be able to tackle issues like our occupation of Iraq, health care reform, trade imbalance, the devaluation of the dollar, crumbling infrastructure or anything else that matters for at lest sixty years." "It's a shame that Congress will be too busy condemning ads, that it won't have time to preserve the right of free speech," said an unnmamed White House spokesperson who immediately and suddenly vanished.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


TASERS NOW TO BE USED IN PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCES
By R J Shulman
Reporter tased after asking Bush the wrong
question
WASHINGTON – D.C. - After the successful use of a taser against Andrew Meyer a twenty-one year old student at a University of Florida campus forum who had asked John Kerry a few uncomfortable questions, the White House has announced that the taser will be used against any reporter who asks unauthorized or inconvenient questions. “We saw how well this worked in Florida,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “so now we will start using it whenever the President has a press conference. Soon,” Perino continued, “the halls around Washington will ring with the cry, ‘don’t tase me, bro.” Perino was referring to the frantic request made by Meyer as the University of Florida police subdued him with the taser.

“There is nothing specifically in the Constitution that says that a Presidential press room is part of the free speech zone as designated by the Commander in Chief,” said an unnamed Bush Administration official, “and in keeping with being compassionate conservatives, the President’s order to use the taser should prove to be a humane way to preserve the sanctity of our leader’s press conferences, certainly more humane than the original suggestion from Dick Cheney.” “How else,” the President said, “can I catapult the propaganda to stay the course as the decider and commander guy to surge away in Iraq because oceans no longer protect us from killers who want to stop the OBGYN’s from practicing their love of women all over this great country of ours ensuring us the opportunity to have food on our families.”

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

BUSH TO RELEASE ALBUM TO BENEFIT VICTIMS OF KATRINA, IRAQ, MINNEAPOLIS BRIDGE COLLAPSE, HOUSING CRISIS, JOB LOSS AND HUNTING ACCIDENTS
By R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD, Ca – President George W. Bush announced today that he and some special friends will record a CD of songs to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Iraq, the I-35 bridge collapse, as well as people who lost their homes due to foreclosures, those who lost jobs to overseas workers, and anyone who’s face got blown off in hunting accidents. “Thanks to the tax and spend Democrats,” Bush said, strumming the same guitar he played while Hurricane Katrina slammed into the Gulf Coast, “who destroyicated our treasury of money, it is up to the decider, commander guy to have to raise what I can to help folks who have not learned that God helps those that help themselves, like my buddies who have helped themselves with those lucrativitory no bidding contracts.”

The album opens with Bush singing REO Speedwagon’s “Riding the Storm Out” and ends with his duet with Vice President Dick Cheney on “We Are the World - No Really, We Are the World.” Other highlights include Dick Cheney’s version of Jr. Walker’s “Shotgun, (shoot ‘em ‘fore they run)” and the Neocon Chorus singing John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance.” “For a commie, that Lennon could sure write a tune that can live through the ages,” said outgoing Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “Bush and his posse only had to change one world of the song – they changed the word ‘peace’ to ‘war’ to make it just perfect for today’s world.”

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

GIULIANI IN IRAQ SCOUTING FOR LOCATION OF NEW SECURITY POST
by R J Shulman

FALLUJA, Iraq - In a move that some say is jumping the gun, Republican Presidential front-runner, Rudulph Guiliani is touring Iraq to find a suitable location to house his Homeland Security Office if he is elected President. "It did so well for me to have my New York Security office in the World Trade Center when 911 struck," Giuliani told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, "that I want to find the most vulnerable spot for a US Homeland Secuirty Offiice." His finest moment," said top Giuliani aide, Anthony "Fat Tony" La Rosa "was the picture of him wandering the streets with a bullhorn after his security office was destroyed. It created an immage with the peolple of a man fully in charge."

Not everyone thinks this is the actions of a sane man. Psychologist, Max Langdon of Johns Hopkins University Research Center in Baltimore, Maryland said that Giuliani is suffering from a new mental disorder. "It's where an individual creates a disaster just so that they can then act like to hero to solve the problem," Dr. Langdon said. "When women make their children sick and then try to save them, we call it Muchhausen by Proxy, when a politician causes a problem and then tries to act the hero, we call it Bushausen by Proxy, named after George W. Bush who allowed 911 to happen and then bullhorned his way into the hearts of the American people."

Sunday, September 16, 2007


O J SIMPSON CHARGED WITH TRYING TO STEAL BACK HIS BLOODY GLOVE

by R J Shulman

LAS VEGAS, Nev. - Las Vegas police have confirmed that the suspect that they caught breaking into a sports memorabilia store was in fact O J Simpson. "We saw a man with size 13 shoes stumble out of the mall and into a white Ford Bronco. It was easy to catch him as he drove slow," said officer Jose Valdez of the Las Vegas Police, "so damn slow that a little old lady with blue hair was honking at him to get the lead out."

At first, authorites thought Simpson was looking to retrive some of his sports memorabilia that had been confiscated while he was on trial for the muder of his wife, Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, but police soon realized that Simpson's real target was a bloody glove. "When we caught him," said officer David Summerville, "my partner and me couldn't help but notice on how well that glove fit his hand."

"The public seems to be split on whether Simpson is entitled to his glove," said ESPN radio host Tony Cornheiser, "as it seems that most white listeners say he should be prosecuted for theft, while many of our black listeners say, 'he should keep it because he paid for the motha - frikkin glove."

Friday, September 14, 2007


MATTEL AND EXXON SCIENTISTS:LEAD PAINT AND LEAD IN GASOLINE PREVENT GLOBAL WARMING

by R J Shulman

EL SEGUNDO, CA - Mattel scientist Gabe Corning announced the results of an exhaustive study that shows unequivically that lead paint in toys prevents global warming. "When lead paint was the staple of the day in the 50's ad 60's there was not one peep about climate change," the report says, "but we have been global warmed to death, but only after the lead paint was banned from use in our lovely toys." Corning said "further proof of the value of lead paint is that George W. Bush played with toy soldiers drenched in lead paint when he was a boy in Connecticut, yet he was able to grow up to be installed as President." "Besides," said Mattel Chairman and CEO Bob Eckert, "even if there was a danger to a child or two, wouldn't the loss of their brain cells be worth the fact that we were saving the planet?"

In a eerily similar report, Exxon will issue a study tomorrow that shows that global warming began after lead was removed from gasoline. "I always knew," said Exxon Chairman Rex W. Tillerson, "that my high school coach had it all wrong when he yelled at me to 'get the lead out."

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Thursday, September 13, 2007




BUSH: I WANT TO SPEECHIFY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ON THE PROGRESS ON THE PROGRESS IN IRAQ


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush remained upbeat that his speech to the nation today will "cause dispellification of the rumors that there has been no progress in getting the American people to see that there is progress on the progress messgage that we are making progress in Iraq. There has been so much progress," the President will say," that sometime next year, I will be able to draw down the number of times I have to say 'we're making progress,' and may be able to pull out of saying so many times, 'if we don't fight them over there, we will have to fight them here."

"In fact," the President said, "we are so full of progess that you might even call us progressives if the defeatocrat liberals hadn't theived that name for themselves." The President will state that it may be up to the next President "to fully progress the situation in Iraq. Besides," he will say according to the advance text obtained by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, "we may have to set up a situation where will have to start making progress in Iran."

The President will also claim that there has been political progress in Iraq that he will describe as "bottom up political progress." In the Democratic resonse, Senator Harry Reid of Nevada will claim that "bottom up" means that the lie will come out of Bush's bottom like a silent but deadly weapon of mass destruction and be repeated by the right wing media, but it will fall flatulent on the American public who will know right away that something stinks."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

FRED THOMPSON QUITS PRESIDENTIAL RACE, CITES DISAGREEMENT OVER SCRIPTS
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - Former Tenessee Senator Fred Thompson announced that he will abandon his bid to seek the Republican Presidential nomination, barely one week after he announced his intention to run. "I had no idea," he told reporters today, "that the script called for me to actually have to campaign for the nomination. I had been led to believe," he continued,"that all I had to do was show up at a photo op, spout my lines and then take a nap. Isn't that how Ronald Regan did it?"

In the last week, Thompson had made significant gains in the polls, despite his lack of active campaigning. His sudden departure has disappointed many of his followers. "I am devistated," said Angela Weiser a staunch Thompson supporter, from Muscatine, Iowa, "I mean, when Fred says the Iraq war is going great guns, he was so believable and if he were to say something like our country was less safe due to our insane foreign policy and that our middle class was about to be destroyed by corporate monsters, I wouldn't have to worry, 'cause I'd just say, this is only a movie, this is only a movie."

Thompson did not divulge any future plans, but Rudolph Guiliani told supporters standing around ground zero, that now that Thompson was out of the race that he, Guiliani was going to be the official "law and order" candidate.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

PETRAEUS' FAVORABLE REPORT OF SURGE CAUSES CHENEY TO CANCEL PLANNED HUNTING TRIP
by R J Shulman

CHEYANNE - Wyo - Vice President Dick Cheney announced that a hunting trip he had planned with General David Patraeus will be cancelled. "When I heard that the General said the surge was working," the Vice President said, "that was all I needed to know that our hunting trip would not be necessary. I was really looking forward to a kind of face to face, if you will, but I guess I 'll have to go hunting with some of the Air America radio staff instead."

Also reported cancelled after Patraeus' generally favorable report on the war in Iraq was a planned hands on demonstraton to Patraeus of prison reform to be performed by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales reported that he would use his newly freed up schedule to spend more time torturing someone else's family.
General Patraeus, who had originally indicated that there were a myriad of problems in Iraq that were not being solved by the troop surge, changed his position. He made it clear that despite rumors to the contrary, he wrote the report himself without any assistance, suggestions or direction from the Bush Administration. "I am my own man," he said, "who would rather go hunting by himself."

Monday, September 10, 2007

CONTROVERSY OVER BIN LADEN TAPE: IS IT OSAMA OR OBAMA?
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – In a controversial report to be aired on the Fox News Network, Brit Hume will announce that “Fox experts have studied the latest tape supposedly from Osama Bin Laden and have concluded that the speaker is really Obama of the Barak kind. We are almost 95% certain that the speaker threatening the United States is the Democratic Presidential hopeful from Illinois,” Brit will announce, “but there is a 5% chance the figure in the video is Hillary Clinton.” A Fox News spokesman said, “Fox will report to you that the enemy on the tape is either Osama or Hillary, and then you can decide.”

This will be a rare incident where Fox News differs from the White House position, say media experts. President Bush insists that the speaker on the tape is indeed Osama Bin Laden. “I don’t look for him anymore because he is irreverent and don’t mean a molehill of beans,” the President said. “Accept of course for the fact he mentioned Iraq on the tape, proving it was Iraq responsible for the 911 attacks which oceans couldn't protect us against, so we need to stay in Iraq listen to the generals with their boots in the air over there rather than some Washington politicians over here.”

Friday, September 07, 2007

BUSH: ANYONE FALSELY ACCUSING ME OF RUNNING A FASCIST COUNTRY WILL BE TAKEN AWAY AT NIGHT AS ENEMY COMBATANT

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In an announcement today that President Bush directed at some of his fiercest critics, the President told reporters, "The false accusers saying I am a dictator will be dealt with swifty as I have decided that all people who think that will be silenced sos we can continue the haromification of our great coutry."

"Those that have been comparing the Bush Administration with Nazi Germany are way off base," said outgoing Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow. "In Germany, they called it Fatherland Security, while here we call it Homeland Security. Futher Hitler's preemtive blitzkreig was on Poland, while our shock and awe was on Iraq. And there is another big difference because because unlike with Hitler, Poland was our ally."

"I think the major difference between Bush and Hitler," said recently exiled Yale Professor Thaddeus Mellon, "is that Hitler actually won an election."

Thursday, September 06, 2007


SENATOR CRAIG WILL NOT RESIGN, SAYS: I WAS NEVER GAY AND NOW I AM EVEN LESS GAY

by R J. Shulman

BOISE, ID - Vowing to "take a an aggressvie stance," to fight for his seat in Congress, embattled Senator Larry Craig told supporters, "I am coming out today to say I am the least gay person you will ever meet in the stall of the mens room. I need to clarify some misconeptions about certain things you may have heard about me in the press," he said. "First, about the Lisa Maneli albums found at my house. My hunky amigo Hector had borrowed my Toby Keith and George Straight ablums, but accidentally returned some of Lisa's records instead.

"About the gowns in my closet, I can explain, he continued, "I was in such a hurry to get to Congress to vote against gay marriage that I didn't carefully check my dry ceaning when I picked it up. It wasn't until later that it was discovered that they gave me someone else's collection of fabulous gowns by mistke."

"Also, to set the record straght about that other bathroom incident you may have heard about," he said, "a well-built policemant happened to walk into the bathroom just after that other man slipped on the wet floor, crashed through the door of my bathroom stall, you know how all those stall locks are broken, and happened to fall head first into my lap."

Craig vowed to introduce a bill releasing restrictions on foot behavior in pubic toilets. "I want to expand the President's initiative that legalized wire-tapping to now include foot-tapping."

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


GENERAL PATRAEUS: EEEEEOOWWW! THE SURGE IS WORKING

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In a much anticipated report regarding Iraq, General Patraeus was heard to say, "eeeeeeooWWW, the surge is working. The surpisingly short report, transcribed by an unnamed White House official, may be misleading, according to a hightly reliable source. "Patraus was not talking about the troop surge in Iraq, but an electical surge flowing through him from terminals attached to his head, nipples and genitalia." Also surprising is that the General was expected to report that the mission in Iraq was failing, but for some unknown reason, Patraeus seems to have abruptly changed his mind.

While there was no confirmaton or denial from the White house, it was learned that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was present when Patraeus' changed his report. However, Gonzales could not recall what had taken place. Vice President Dick Cheney did say that he believed that "Patraeus' insurgency was was in its final throes."

The While House will be presenting the Patraeus report on September 11 to Congress, who is expected to roll over and continue to support whatever insanity the President decides.