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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTDS News Service) - Talk show host Sean Hannity told his audience today, "You folks know me as the human least likely in the history of the world to use hyperbole, so I know you will believe me when I say that the Obamacare Act is the most oppressive law ever devised on the face of the earth.  Here are ten horrific facts about this law that the Muslim foreign born Marxist president does not want you to know:

1.      Death Panels - These will be made up of bureaucrats handpicked by Obama to make sure that Republicans, conservatives, Christians, and gun owners will be denied healthcare and left to die.

2.      You, my friends will have to wait 7 hours to be seen by a Canadian doctor as no American doctor will accept Obamacare.  Transportation to Canada will be on your own dime.

3.      You will have to surrender all of your guns to the government before you can even get to wait 7 hours for a Canadian doctor (see#2 waiting for Canadian Doctors).

4.      You will have to convert to Islam to even be considered to get on the list so you can wait 7 hours for a Canadian doctor (See #1 anti-Christian death panels, and #2 waiting for Canadian Doctors)

5.      If you do not sign up for Obamacare, you will be arrested and sent to Abu Ghraib West, which is a secret large prison holding tank some 5.73 miles east of El Paso, Texas, where you will not have a right to a lawyer, gun, cigarette or even a trial.

6.      In order to be able to been seen by a Canadian doctor after a 7 hour wait, (see #2 waiting for Canadian Doctors) you will have to submit to the sexual advances of minority homosexuals who were promised access to your body by Obama in exchange for their vote in 2012.

7.      If you try to keep your own doctor rather than the Canadian doctor you will have to wait 7 hours for (see #2 waiting for Canadian Doctors), you will be taken out by a drone strike.

8.      Obamacare outlaws NFL football, beer, hot wings, country music, rebel flags, bibles and worst of all, pickup trucks because all the resources need for those things is being diverted to pay for the free health care that is mandated to be given to illegal Mexicans under Obamacare.

9.      Obamacare will force white people to pick cotton, toil in the fields and clean toilets for no pay as reparations for the alleged slavery that Obama claims occurred in the South centuries ago.

10.  Obamacare will cause a war with Canada because Canadian doctors will not want to give healthcare to Americans even if they wait for 7 hours to see them. (See #2 waiting for Canadian Doctors)

All of these secret provisions were snuck into the Obamacare bill just before the midnight vote was forced on this gruesome law.  Please contact your member of the House of Representatives and urge them to try and overturn Obamacare for the 41st time.  If you don't, you better start pricing a ticket to Toronto.  (See #2 waiting for Canadian Doctors).

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - With all the talk about weapons of mass destruction being used in Syria and the president of the United States getting all set to get involved in the conflict, just hold your horses, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama.  You must not be too hasty here.  There is a lot at stake and such a move requires deep thought and careful deliberation.  Here are the ten essential questions you must ask yourself before you decide to get medieval on Syria's ass:

1.      Do they have any oil?

2.      Can we topple a statue of their dictator on live TV?

3.      Will the Syrians be appropriately shock and awed by an attack by US forces?

4.      Will there be an awesome live photo op for me on an aircraft carrier, where I can dress up in uniform and say "mission accomplished?"

5.      Do they have any oil?

6.      Can I get my friends no bid contracts to rebuild Syria after we destroy their country with bombs purchased by no bid contracts from my friends?

7.      Should I not care about knowing anything about the opposing factions in a country I am about to place into utter political turmoil?

8.      Will my actions in Syria be more decisive than what my father did in Syria?

9.      Does Syria have a prison or dungeon where we can use enhanced interrogation to determine whether certain Syrians were in cahoots with Osama Bin Laden or are just ordinary terrorists?

10.  Do they have any oil?

And, of course, don't forget to ask this important question - Do they have any oil?

Friday, August 16, 2013

by R J Shulman

INDEPENDENCE, Missouri - (PTSD News Service) - It's official - former neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman will be the replacement for the as of yet unnamed rodeo clown who wore an Obama mask and mocked the president at a Missouri State Fair in Sedalia.  An unnamed Missouri State Fair commissioner announced earlier that this unnamed rodeo clown was banned for life from all Missouri State Fair activities because many as of yet unnamed state fair attendees found the rodeo clown's antics patently racist.

"We are certain that George Zimmerman will be the perfect replacement," said another unnamed Missouri state official, "not only has George been found by a court of law not guilty of racism, but he should have no trouble distracting the bulls by pretending to pound his head into a bloody mess on the ground and should be especially good with black bulls wearing hoodies."

A Zimmerman spokesperson said that he was uncertain when George would start, but it would be sometime after details were ironed out that would allow a rodeo clown to carry a loaded hand gun at the state fair. 

"I am both happy and outraged at the same time," said radio and TV talk show host Glenn Beck on learning of Zimmerman's new career.  "I am happy for George's new opportunity, but I am shocked that Barack Hussein Obama, who claims to be all about  job creation just made that poor as yet unnamed rodeo clown unemployed."  "Bravo for the brave Missourians who have rewarded George," said talk show host Sean Hannity, "I can assure you that my good friend will use his First Amendment rights to freely criticize the Muslim president as well as he showed he could exercise his Second Amendment rights."

An unnamed Republican representative from Texas, who invited the as yet unnamed racist rodeo clown to perform in his district, said, "this whole brouhaha was because them liberals can't take a joke. "I just don't get it," this unnamed representative continued, "why are all of those lazy, uppity, shiftless, welfare cheating, watermelon stealing, fried chicken chomping darkies calling us racist?"

A new Quinnipiac University Poll suggests that this as of yet unnamed rodeo clown is the early front runner for the GOP in the 2016 presidential race, far ahead of Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Ted Cruz, Ted the foul mouthed Teddy bear in Seth McFarlane's movie, as well as all of the yet unnamed Republican candidates.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

by R J Shulman

DETROIT - (PTSD News Service) - Kevyn Orr, the City of Detroit's Emergency Manager says that he has found a solution to the pending bankruptcy of the beleaguered city as he has found a buyer in the likes of the former standard bearer of the Republican Party, Mitt Romney. "While I was about to lose my mind trying to figure out how to unload the pile of rusty junk that is Detroit," Orr said, "along comes Mitt Romney to the rescue.

"When I came to look at Detroit," Romney said, "I realized the trees were the right height, the building were just right and the streets looked just right, just right for me to make an offer."   "At first I was worried when Mitt was telling me all about how excited he was about coming home to buy his roots," said Anne Romney, "but then I realized he was right, it was Mitt's turn to own a big city."

Romney said he will be selling copper from the buildings and street lights and used rebar from buildings and bridges at such a profit that "Americans will be sorry they didn't vote me in to the White House because I could have done this to the entire country which surely would have cut the deficit in half."

Romney plans to sell the city's library books to Europe, "where the folks still read."  He said he will "sell scores of unemployed auto workers to China where they will be needed to run the car assembly plants I just sold them."

Romney told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that he plans to keep 50 acres of lake front property for a new summer home his is planning to build.  "And unlike my home in California where I simply have a car elevator, here I will keep one car assembly plant on hand so I can have a car built for me or the little woman whenever we want a new one."