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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

By R J Shulman
GRAND JUNCTION, Colorado – (PTSD News) Senator John McCain blasted Barack Obama today, charging that this rival is personally responsible for the failure of the House to pass the historic financial bailout package. “My friends,” McCain told a small gathering in this western Colorado city, “Obama doesn’t know the difference between bailing out and rescuing Wall Street. Even worse, he says he would sit down without preconditions and talk with those people who took out bad loans to try and solve the problem. He just doesn’t understand that you can’t talk to domestic terrorists.”

McCain said he would have finished solving the economic crisis if Obama hadn’t forced him to debate in Mississippi last Friday. “Obama is putting his political ambitions first, not America first, like I am. Obama would rather lose the American economy than lose the election.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio blamed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “She said some bad words about us,” Boehner told Sean Hannity of Fox, “so we took our votes and went home. If she doesn’t apologize to us, we will hold our breath until we turn blue, well, actually red as we are Republicans.”

President Bush did not limit his criticism to Obama or Pelosi. “I point my finger of fate squarely in the face of everybody. Everybody is whining about fixing Wall Street or helping Main Street. What about Pennsylvania Avenue? I need Congress to fixicate this mess because I need back my political capital that got loaned out to a couple of bad wars that didn’t pay off.”

Monday, September 29, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Talk show host Rush Limbaugh declared on Monday total victory over the 1960’s. “We have finally prevailed over the darkest period in American history, the sixties,” Limbaugh said. “Just like we have made liberal a dirty word, we have made caring about others a thing of great ridicule. Sarah Palin proved that with the support she received when she ridiculed Obama’s service as a community organizer.”

“Limbaugh is right. If you talk about peace and love you are either a deluded old hippie or a person simply out of touch with reality,” said Frank Buckles of the Heritage Foundation. “America was built on fierce individualism and except for that unfortunate decade that came between the fabulous 50’s and the casual 70’s, it’s been every man for himself.”

“The American Dream has returned with a vengeance,” said fellow talk show host Michael Savage. “If we can only convince a few more vigilante groups to shoot illegals, we will be back in the 50’s, before all those evil foreigners brought their disease soaked cultures into this country.”

“To see that the 60’s are officially dead,” Limbaugh concluded, “look no further than the Presidential race. McCain is such a disaster that if Obama was white McCain would be behind by 40 points. But good old American traditional values about racial issues has this one a dead heat.”

Sunday, September 28, 2008

By R J Shulman
OLD LYME, Connecticut – (PTSD News) Simon Le Bovier, a popular science fiction writer best known for The Village Idiot Chronicles filed a lawsuit against the Bush administration for stealing the ideas from his book Masters of the End Times. “They not only stole the story, they’ve put it into action.”

Le Bovier claims that a hacker broke into his computer in 1999 and stole the Masters manuscript. He says he thought nothing of it at the time.

In the book, a madman gets a moron from a well connected political family elected president of the most powerful and benevolent nation on the planet Thear, because he convinces people they need a leader they feel they could drink a beer with. The madman runs things of course, because he picks himself as the vice president. He gets the people to give up their freedom by staging a “terrorist” attack on a national symbol of its strength and warning them that their Constitutional freedoms are quaint and need to be scuttled if they want to win the war on terror. The madman then launches several wars, declares martial law, suspends future elections and ultimately causes a life ending nuclear war, all because he believes it will bring the return of a messiah who is the only being who can relieve the madman from his self torture that has almost eaten away his mind.

Le Bovier says the book was eventually rejected by his publisher as being too unrealistic. “But I look at what is happened to America and the world and I see my book was the blueprint.” Le Bovier claims that he has recently traced the hacker to a site located in a bunker somewhere in Wyoming. A spokesman from the White House said he is not familiar with the lawsuit but any similarities between the book and what has happened is a coincidence.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

By R J Shulman
LINCOLN, Nebraska – Elizabeth Bochner, an 87 year-old former school teacher, claims she has a note to Santa written by Vice President Dick Cheney who attended her second-grade class at Calvert Elementary School when the Cheneys lived in Lincoln, Nebraska. She remembers the Vice President as a strange little boy who never smiled. “He used to spend time by himself, watching the other pupils, spying on them, actually,” Bochner said.

Bochner discovered the note in an old trunk in the attic. She intends to take the proceeds from the sale of the list to help pay for her hip operation as she has no health insurance.

The note begins with the phrase, “Listen up Santa,” and lists ten requests for Christmas including, “a rifle, not the air kind but with reel [sic] bullits [sic] that you can put an eye out if you want to, a secret underground hideout to make secret plans, and a set of soldiers, not the toy kind, but reel [sic] one so that I can take over the world, if I want to.” The note ends with “and no funny stuff, Santa, like a lump of coal this year or I’ll tell everyone where you touched Bobby Thorndike when he sat on your lap at Klein’s Department Store.”

“I must admit I was relieved when the Cheney’s moved to Wyoming,” Bochner said, “especially after Dickey said something about if I didn’t give him a passing grade, my little dog Flufton might end up in his final throes.”

Ed Wharton, a handwriting expert doubts the authenticity of the note. “I have examined it thoroughly, “he said, “and this surely wasn’t written by Mr. Cheney as the author of this note is clearly a heartless sociopath who fits the profile of a mass murderer or war criminal.”
A spokesman for the Vice President said that Cheney denies the note was his. “I never believed in that Santa propaganda,” He said. Cheney added that there are no hard feelings, and to prove that, he said he would like to personally show Ms. Bochner the rifle he eventually did get for Christmas.

Friday, September 26, 2008

by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News)- Negotiations continue over a package to bail out the collapsing McCain campaign. “We will get this package passed,” said President Bush, “we will rise to the occasion, just like the water rose in New Orleans.”

“McCain is sinking faster than the Lusitania on steroids,” said Senator Barney Frank of Massachusetts. “If his candidacy crumbles it could threaten our two party system of government.”

“One of the sticking points for lawmakers is whether to allow golden parachutes for McCain advisors who messed things up like Phil Gramm who called Americans whiners about the economy or Carly Fiorina who said McCain couldn’t run Hewlett-Packard.”

“We need to hammer out the details of regulations to prevent a future presidential candidate from choosing a running mate as unqualified as Sarah Palin,” said Senator Dodd of Connecticut. “We can’t have a candidate pick a person who Americans know less about than they now about CDOs and mortgage backed securities.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada said that lawmakers may have to stay past Friday’s planned recess for November campaigning. “This is one heck of a mess and if McCain keeps making bad mistakes, he could throw the country in a major depression.”

Thursday, September 25, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Bush urged Congress to give him the authority to use whatever force is necessary to “remove banks and other financial institutions from the tyranny of bad loans.” “I will call this mission Operation Banking Freedom,’ the President said, “because we need to protect American men women and children from those bankofascist terrorists.”

“We know one of the bankers ate yellow cake before he signed off on a bad loan,” said former Secretary of State Colin Powell. “The money surge is working,” said an upbeat John McCain. “Of course, now that that problem is just about solved, I’ll have to come up with another crisis to use as an excuse not to debate Obama.”

“If we don’t act now,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “our economy will be in its final throes.” “I am kinda excited about all of this,” said Sarah Palin, “those bankers look like caribou in the headlights.”

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – John McCain announced that he will not participate in Friday’s scheduled debate with Barak Obama and that he is suspending his campaign until there is a fix to the financial crisis gripping Wall Street. “I’m putting my country first by going back to Washington to whip the economy back into shape,” McCain said. “While Obama is being political and selfish by choosing to waste America’s time with a frivolous debate about where the candidates stand on the issues, I will be in Washington with my sleeves rolled up, fighting the economy until we win, even if it takes one hundred years.”

Barack Obama said that he plans to be there for the debate and told Senator McCain. "Since Washington needs you so badly and you cannot participate in the presidential debate, just send Sarah Palin in your place. She should be able to participate in the debate unless she's called back home because Russia has invaded Alaska."

“I think that Senator McCain from Colorado has correctly got it right,” said President Bush. “In fact, I am announcing today that not only are the debates called off due to the economy being bad, but I am cancelcating the presidential election until we get the do nothing Democrats in Congress to golden parachute my friends on Wall Street. And while we wait, I have graciously offered to fill in as the President until all that economic fixing is finished.”

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

By R J Shulman
WATERLOO, Iowa – (PTSD News) – Harvey Schmeckler made a plea today on local radio station KXEL asking the Fed to pay off the money he owes several Las Vegas casinos for his losing sports bets. “If the Fed can cough up $700 billion to bail out those Wall Street guys who gambled on sub-prime mortgages, then they should be able to find $40,000 to cover me.” Schmeckler told talk show host Bud Scott, “I bet on the New England Patriots and the Washington Nationals which shows my loyalty to this country, so a little long green is the least they can do.”

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said he would like to help Mr. Schmeckler but that “the federal government is not in the business of rewarding irresponsible people who make bad decisions. It’s important these people take responsibility for their reckless and foolish actions.” Paulson is scheduled to speak in front of the Congressional Banking Committee where he will urge Congress to move forward with the massive aid package which he says, “should ensure that my colleagues on Wall Street get their golden parachutes so they can leave with dignity from the venerable companies they bankrupted.”

Monday, September 22, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – He’s checking it once, he’s checking it twice. President Bush is already hard a work on his pardon list. “Forget the best dressed list,” said Francine Pearsall of People Magazine, “this year, the pardon list in the one to be on.”

“At first, I was the Decider,” said President Bush, “now I am the Pardonator. They could make a movie about me starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Pardonator if he wasn’t already on my list as himself.”

Vice President Dick Cheney said, “I have complete confidence in the list. George told me I will be at the top. He told me on our last hunting trip together.”

The President said, “I will leak one name out that’s on my list and that’s John McCain. He will be pre-pardonicated as I’m hoping he’ll screw things up worse than I did as President and my pardon that will give him free range to do it.”

Sarah Palin said, “I don’t need no stinkin’ list. Even if I start World War III and billions of people die a horrible death, all I have to do is ask Jesus for forgiveness. This is a real perk of being a real Christian.”

Most of Washington is on pins and needles, hoping to be named to the most anticipated pardon list in years. “To get on the list,” said Senator Larry Craig, “I’ll even admit that I once was almost gay.”

“This is so great,” President Bush said. “I am once again a popular President with political capital and I didn’t have to start another war to do it. Now, just about everybody’s coming to see me to beg my pardon.”

Sunday, September 21, 2008

By R J Shulman
ILLIUM, New York – (PTSD News) – A new book claims that the Sarah Palin is nothing more than Vice President Dick Cheney all dolled up for the cameras. Scott V. DeLuca, author of Area 51Is not in Nevada, It is Really Washington, D.C., has just released The Wasilla Candidate: How Cheney Plans To Pass Himself Off As Sarah Palin.

DeLuca claims that the real Sara Palin has been hidden in an underground bunker near Bethel, Alaska ever since her vice presidential nomination and that Dick Cheney has been masquerading as a “phony Sara.” “It is amazing what you can do with makeup, plastic surgery and smoke and mirrors,” DeLuca said. “Has anyone seen Cheney and Palin in the same room?”

“When Palin asked the crowd at the Republican convention the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull, it should have been what is the difference between this hockey mom and Dick Cheney and the answer, of course would be lipstick.”

“The deeply held beliefs and the political views of Cheney and this new Palin are exactly the same - drilling, killing, hating Russia and shooting anyone in the face who gets in their way,” DeLuca says. “I have a comment from a recently fired Alaska State Trooper who quotes Palin as saying that the caribou she shot was, ‘in its final throes.’ Now who does that sound like?” asked DeLuca. "This is just like Tootse, Mrs. Doubtfire and The Bird Cage all rolled into one," DeLuca said, "but this female impersonator is more like Dr. Evil."

The book contends that Dick Cheney idolized J. Edgar Hoover and always dreamed that he could look better in a dress than the former FBI chief. “We know those glasses Palin wears are fake and have no lenses,” DeLuca claims, “Why do you think ‘she’ doesn’t hold her son, Trig but passes him around to her family like a sack of potatoes? Cheney hates babies, at least once they are born.”

“You didn’t expect Dick Cheney to ride off into some romantic Wyoming sunset, did you?” the book asks. When asked about the book, Palin said she had not seen it, that it was preposterous and that as Vice President, it would be the first book she would ban after she went on a hunting trip with DeLuca.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – Republican leaders have blasted the Democrats, accusing them of causing the current massive financial crisis for political gain. “This is a new low in election politics,” said House Minority leader John Boenher of Ohio, “The Democrats have purposely caused this massive upheaval on Wall Street as a September surprise, to frighten voters into voting for them on the phony issue of the economy, when they should be making their choice based upon important issues, like lipstick, which 60’s radical lives on the same block as Obama, and which vice presidential candidate looks hotter.”

“This is another example of how Democrats think of party first and America last,” Senator John McCain told a small lunch crowd at Skippie’s Deli, in La Junta, Colorado, where his was campaigning. “Thank God, try as they may, they can’t blame me for this crisis,” McCain said, “because I don’t know enough about the economy to know how to have messed it up.”

President Bush, who spent the day scrambling around to get someone other than his dad or the Supreme Court to bail him out of yet another mess, is now asking all Americans to pitch in. “By putting all American’s tax dollars hard at work, we can teach American personal responsibility by bailing out Freddy Mae, Bear Lehman and that Insurance Company in time for them to ship their jobs to countries where they can afford to pay workers. Now these American hating Democrats are saying bailing out Wall Street is an unprecedented move, but I tell you those traitors have been trying to un-precident me ever since I was placed in office. But I am still the President and still the decider and I have decided that after all that I have done for the American people, that they do something for me. You know, the old saying, I think it was John Kennedy or Dan Quayle, ‘ask not what tax rebate your country can do for you but what your tax dollars can do for your country.’”

Republican leaders will ask congress to start an investigation into any Democratic interference with the financial sector. “The economy was not supposed to blow up until at least late December, well after the elections,” said Ronald Stark of the Republican National Committee. “But we have good evidence that certain paid operatives of the Democratic party forced lenders to make these bad loans in a manner that would make them explode before the election.

Friday, September 19, 2008

By R J Shulman
VINCENNES, Indiana (PTSD News) - Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced today that she has asked top GOP officials to fire John McCain as the GOP presidential candidate. “He has served his country well,” Palin told a cheering overflow crowd in this southwestern Indiana city, “but he is starting to drag down my numbers, so he’ll have to go. To make sure he’s gone,” she said, “I’ll offer a hundred dollars to the first person to shoot him and bring me his cut off right hand – just kidding. I don’t need to see the hand, a faxed picture will do.”

“If there is anyone who can get officials to fire someone she doesn’t like, it’s Sarah,” said an unnamed Republican spokesperson. “This will be a good move for the GOP,” said Charles L. Sonderheim of the Heritage Foundation, “Palin has been packing them in, while McCain can’t fill a McDonalds.”

Rules state that if the front runner is removed before the election, the vice presidential nominee become the presidential candidate. “We all know that God has anointed her to be president,” said Reverend Ed Kalnin, Palin’s former preacher, “so why delay the process, just like we shouldn’t delay Armageddon.”

“It’ll be great opportunity to be your President,” Palin told the Indiana crowd, “because while it has been fun to see Russia from my house, I just can’t wait to see Russia from the cockpit of a plane as something nuclear is being dropped.”

There has been no word on who would be tapped as Palin’s vice presidential running mate. “We need to emphasize Sarah’s qualifications to be president by picking someone who is a little less qualified than her, but charming, of course,” said a top GOP spokesperson, “However this may take some time, although we have a lead on a pig with lipstick in Waterloo, Iowa that is dying to get off the farm.”

Thursday, September 18, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Bush told investors today not to worry about the economy, telling them that he had the whole “money thing in the bag and under control.” Bush gave the short speech at the White House rose garden instead of the speech he had originally planned to make from an air craft carrier while dressed in a fighter pilot uniform. “It took a while but we finally convinced the President that the being a “top gun” had nothing to do with the current financial crisis,” said a White House spokesman.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch obtained a copy of the original speech. Here are some of the highlights:

My fellow Americans, I am here to speechicate to you today about the economy and to tell you the money surge is working.

Just like when I bull-horned you all to go shopping after 9-11, I’m telling you to go shopping for stocks in the market place with all the stocks. I promise I will hunt down the terrorist killers who have been responsible for attacking Wall Street and smoke them out dead or alive.

I am pleased that we have made sure that the wealth will stay with the wealthy who can continue their trickling down all over the American people.

“The President has once again displayed his leadership,” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “just like he did with Hurricane Katrina, the Iraq war and catching Osama bin Laden.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – In an unprecedented move, the Federal Reserve Board will lend up to $85 billion to rescue faltering American International Group. In return, the federal government will receive an almost 80% stake in the company.

“A failure of this size could hurt Wall Street and the CEO’s who have worked so hard to build wealth that they can then trickle down to the little people,” the Fed said in a statement. “And in order to pay for this important bail out, we will have to cancel Social Security.”

“Taking the money from Social Security to give to AIG is a great idea,” said Phil Gramm, former John McCain financial advisor, “we have needed to privatize socialistic institutions like Social Security and this is a great way to do it.” This sentiment was echoed by William Huff formerly of Lehman Brothers, “It’s not the government’s fault that people get old, so it is ridiculous that people look to the government when they are too weak to work anymore. Besides, any money they put away during their working lives should have been invested with us at Lehman Brothers. Then maybe I would still have a job.”

“Thank God they bailed out AIG," said personal finance expert Suze Orman on the Larry King show on Tuesday night, “I had way too much exposure of that stock in my personal portfolio.” “My friends,” said John McCain at a campaign rally at a Wendy’s in Clovis, New Mexico, “the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and by that I mean that American mothers are the fundamentals of the economy and anyone who attacks the economy, such as Barack Obama is attacking our American mothers. What I want to know is what Obama hates more, American mothers or apple pie?”

“We are proud as peaches to be able to bailicate this fine conglomeration of insurances and stuff,” said President Bush. “We have to keep America the most strongest by shoring up my financial friends by having the government taking over companies so we can fight our greatest enemy, socialized health care.”

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

By R J Shulman
GRAYSON, New Mexico (PTSD News) – The stunning public acceptance of Sarah Palin as Senator John McCain’s choice for his vice presidential running mate has been nothing short of a shining beacon of hope for Americans whose dreams of holding important positions have died because they were clearly not qualified. “The Palin pick is just one example of a maverick genius,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “not only did John have the guts to pick someone all underachievers could identify with, he picked someone who abused her power once she got it. Now tell me it is not the dream of the average person to suddenly have the ability to do in their enemies?”

“I was losing all hope of being the director of NASA,” said Dwayne Bogardus, an unemployed fence installer from Loraine, Ohio, “but if Sarah Palin can say on the TV that seeing Russia from her house is all she needs to know about fighting them foreign enemies, then me seeing the moon from my house is all I need to know about rocket science.”

“I can’t wait to be appointed to the one that's in charge of the Air Force,” said Shirley Bascomb of Plano, Texas, “because there is a dumb ex-husband of mine that needs to get a taste of a smart bomb.” “Now I don’t have to give up my dream of being a starting pitcher for the Chicago Cubs,” said Roy Strunk of Elk Grove Village, Illinois, “even if I was not good enough to make the little league team. All I have to do is act like a pit bull, put on some lipstick and it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out at the old ball game.”

“I always wanted to be a surgeon and cut people and stuff,” said Luke David Henderson of Tucson, Arizona who is serving time for assault and battery, “so I guess me watching all them hospital shows like Doctor House and Grey’s Autonomy makes me good enough to start slicing.”

“Sarah Palin is an inspiration to show you can still be somebody, even if you have screwed up, like supporting a bridge to nowhere and then be against it, so I figure I can get a second chance, too. I just can’t wait to hear the President speak those immortal words again, ‘you’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie,” said former FEMA Director Michael Brown.

Monday, September 15, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – The venerable Lehman Brother Investment bank said today that they will file for bankruptcy after the value of its shares fell 94%. The 158 year-old firm that has weathered the railroad crisis and the great depression couldn’t withstand the current decline in real estate. “Our demise was all due to the predatory practices of the borrowers,” said Mark Sloan of Lehman, “those people, mostly minorities forced banks to make bad mortgages. We were helpless against all this political correctness which essentially made it obligatory to make those bad loans.”

“Those people put the gun to the heads of our financial institutions,” said Dan Alpert managing director of New York based Westwood Capital investment bank. “The greed of these people who wanted to be “moving on up” has been responsible for a great loss of jobs in the investment community. How are these investment bankers going to be able to afford the upkeep of their yachts in the Hamptons?”

The financial crisis had deepened over the weekend as Bank of America announced that they will buy troubled Merrill Lynch. “The acquisition of Merrill Lynch makes sense,” said Ken Lewis, Bank of America chairman and chief executive officer. “When you get a chance to get Boardwalk and Park Place at a cut-rate price, you can’t pass it up. It’s a great way to pass ‘Go’ and collect another $200 if you know what I mean.”

The Federal Reserve and the Bush Administration have promised to investigate the behavior of the predatory borrowers. “We are going to offercate them some options,” President Bush said, “either go to jail for preditatious borrowing or go to Iraq to replace the soldiers who I am de-srugicating.”

John McCain said at a campaign rally in Nashua, New Hampshire, “I don’t understand this economy or all this whining about the economy. If I can have seven or eight or nine or ten mortgages working just fine, why can’t all Americans? I am especially surprised at those whiners who didn’t have to suffer being a POW like me, but I don’t want to take this opportunity to make a big deal that I was a POW for five years. And as a POW, I am entitled to be your next President, my friends, if fact my friends because I was a POW you have to be my friend, my friends.”

Sunday, September 14, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – In a fierce bidding war, ABC Television obtained the rights to the November Presidential election, which will now take place on their Extreme Makeover – Home Edition show. “We think the right choice was made to select us,” said Steven M. Bornstein of ABC-TV. “The White House is in shambles due to its present occupant and the American public is anxious to see if it can be saved or will have to be completely bulldozed.”

ABC beat out NBC who wanted the election for their Biggest Loser show. “We are shocked we didn’t win,” said John Eck of NBC Television. “Whoever has to clean up the mess of the current President will surly fail, and it will be a colossal failure on the world stage. Now how is that not going to be the biggest loser?”

“We really thought we had a shot for the election for our Big Brother series,” said Les Moonves of CBS. “After all, it made sense that if the White House has been spying on the American people, the American people should be able to spy on the presidential candidates. Boy would I like to see Obama, Biden, McCain and Palin going after each other after they are cooped up under one roof.”

The real surprise is that Fox failed to secure the election for it’s popular 24 series. “With terrorism being the biggest issue,” said Roger Ailes of Fox TV, “we thought having the election about who could blow up more terrorists, more often was the best possible idea.”

“I know some people were shocked when the election was changed from the regular type of voting and given to a television network,” said Isaac Mellon of the Rand Institute. “But it makes sense, as the media controls the information we get about the election, anyway, and the voting that each of the reality shows conducts would guarantee a more accurate vote count than we had in the 2000 and 2004 Presidential elections.”

Saturday, September 13, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – This week, Senator John McCain has gone full steam ahead with his claims that he is the political outsider, the maverick that will shake up Washington with new and bold ideas. “I’m going to rid the government of the worst blood sucking lobbyists who do not have the interest of the American people in mind,” McCain said. “just as soon as these lobbyists, most of whom are on my staff, help get me elected.”

“I know all about getting rid of corruption in government,” McCain said, “because after being one of the Keating Five, I now have the judgment not to do that again. I know how to be a maverick and vote against your party when you have to, because that will be the complete opposite than voting with your party over 90% of the time, like I have. I know how to pick experience qualified people for my cabinet because that will be the opposite of what I did for my vice presidential pick.”

"He's such an outsider," said Steve Schmidt, McCain's campaign manager, "the he can't remember where Washington is." “He is the new kid on the block, the fresh face to replace the tired old Presidents who have always looked just like Barack Obama,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign. “Americans want change and McCain is the clearly the candidate of change. I know because he’ll change positions if we tell him to.”

Friday, September 12, 2008

By R J Shulman
GALVESTON, Texas (PTSD News) The massive storm bearing down on the Texas Gulf Coast is named Hurricane Ike for a reason, according to Benual Griffin, Jr. a long time friend of singer Ike Turner. Griffin who claims that he was with Ike Turner on the night the R&B legend died of a drug overdose in December 2007, said Turner promised he would “come back and whip the asses of the peoples who done me wrong.”

“I tole’ him there was something wrong with the blow, but he was pig headed, you know,” said Griffin who played drums with Turner. “He knew he was dying, so he say to me he’s gonna get the mutha who sold him the bad cocaine, then get David Alan Grier for making fun of him on Saturday Night Live and then get Tina, of course. I say, how you gonna do all that if you dead? He say, ‘what’s death got to do with it?’”

Otto Blake of the National Hurricane Center, who named the storm, says the name had nothing to do with any real person. “It was just a name that came to me when I was listening to a version of Proud Mary sung by a girl singer with a raspy voice.”

“I am glad it’s named after Ike Turner,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “because I thought it was some liberal name caller deliberately naming a storm after a Republican President, so I guess I won’t have to demand they name the next “O” storm Hurricane Obama. But maybe I will, anyway.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Clyde Hattis, the man indicted for supplying the cocaine to Turner had been released on a technicality and was living in Houston, which is directly in the path of the storm.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Win the lipstick wars and win the Presidency - that seems to be what the latest polls are indicating. A new ABC TV poll shows that Americans are so concerned with this issue, that whichever Presidential ticket has the best solution to the lipstick crisis will win in November.

“I am the real candidate who can bring change and hope to the lipstick problem,” John McCain told a crown in Flint, Michigan a key swing state. Meanwhile, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to overcome rumors that she attempted to get her former brother-in-law, Scott Wooten fired from the State Police because he had criticized Palin’s sister’s use of lipstick. The McCain campaign has been heavily critical of the media’s focus on the lipstick use in the Palin family. “It is none of America’s business whether the lipstick was used by Sarah Palin or her daughter or whether Sarah Palin’s religious beliefs prevented her teenage daughter from taking the proper precautions before using lipstick,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager.

Barack Obama is set to rush release his new book called The Audacity of Lipstick in which he states that he has always been opposed to the excessive use of lipstick and sets forth his a plan to solve this crisis, a plan he hopes with be on the minds and lips of the American voter come November. Meanwhile, Joe Biden is attempting to answer criticism leveled at him from the McCain camp that he is woefully out of touch with the American voter as he is the only candidate who has not even mentioned lipstick once. Biden finally addressed the issue, telling reporters, “we have to stop our dependence on foreign lipstick, especially our dependence on the French.”

Linda Connors of the National Organization for Women has weighed in on the lipstick issue saying, “our society is sexist because there is no pressure for a man to wear lipstick, but a woman has either too little lipstick and doesn’t get noticed or she has too much and is called a slut.”

Condoleezza Rice just back from her trip to the Middle East said that the terrorist are planning attacks on American because, “they hate us for our lipstick.” President Bush commented, “I am well in the awareness of a lipstick crisis, because whenever I try and speechicate to the American people, my lips stick on the big words, like nucular.”

The lipstick crisis has already taken its toll as Helene Curtis, a leading lipstick manufacturer on the verge of bankruptcy, has just been taken over by the federal government. “We cannot afford to have such a venerable institution like Helene Curtis fail simply because of their high exposure to selling sub-prime lipstick,” a government official said.

“This issue is not about lipstick,” Ralph Nader said, “it is about a pig being a pig, even if lipstick has been applied to that pig.” Sally Fineburg of PETA agreed, “Pigs are in danger of being mistreated to such an extent by these politicians that they are going to become an endangered species.” Trevor Markham of the Rand Institute disagreed, “there will always be pork in Washington.”

The ABC poll said lipstick was the most important issue for Americans by more than a five-to-one margin over the economy, the war in Iraq, healthcare, the energy crisis and global warming. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 100 points.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

By R J Shulman
WATSEKA, Illinois (PTSD News) – If you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em, if you can’t join ‘em, co-opt ‘em. That seems to be the strategy of the McCain campaign. “We are the real candidates of change,” McCain told a crowd in this small Midwest city, “just like we are the real candidates of hope.” “And I am the real rock star,” said Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, who has been accompanying the Arizona Senator.

“Our plan is simple,” said Steve Schmidt, McCain campaign manager. “Whatever Obama has been successful with, McCain and Palin will claim as theirs. This will get the voters so confused that the vote will be basically equal, and then we can make the Republicans more equal than the Democrats when the votes are counted, if you get what I mean.”

“So far it has been working,” Schmidt said. “McCain/Palin are now the candidates of change, even though they support current policies. Heck, McCain has trouble changing his socks these days and Palin’s idea of change is to for everyone to change into a person of her faith. Now John and Sarah are talking hope, saying 'yes, we can' while Palin can now claim to be the celebrity. The last step in this plan will be for McCain to become the black candidate.”

“It should be hep to be a black man,” McCain said. “I’ll finally be able to loosen up my booty which right now is wound tighter than a giant alarm clock about to ring in the apocalypse.” According to Schmidt, McCain will announce that he is black at a rally in Selma, Alabama, an important historical location for the civil rights movement. “I am going to say to all my friends there,” said McCain, “my friends, my friends, I am going to put my foot up the ass of the dumb senator who voted against creating a national holiday for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Ooops, I guess I’ll have to be the contortionist candidate, because that senator was me.”

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) Would the approach to the Presidential campaign for the Democratic Party be different if Karl Rove were in charge? “Definitely,” said Rove in an exclusive interview with William J. Greenville in an article that will be published in this month’s Vanity Fair. “The Democrats are stuck on ethics and playing by the rules, which make them an easy target. It’s like they are the timid kid in the school hallway with a big “kick me” sign stuck on their back worried that his hall pass won’t be accepted.”

“You’ve got to come out fighting and fight dirty,” Rove told Greenville. “and you can’t be afraid to think outside the reality box. How else could we have portrayed that drunken AWOL son-of-privilege knuckle-head Bush as the common man war hero, and Kerry who earned purple hearts in actual battle as the coward?”

“The Democrats think this election is about issues which is just as stupid as thinking that the vote on American Idol is about talent. Look, politics is no different than it was in high school, the big tough football hero with the beauty queen by his side will always win over the geek with the ideas and the girl who really cares about world peace.”

“If I were in charge of the Obama campaign there are some things I would do instantly. First, I’d come up with nasty slogan attacks like, ‘McCain – ready for the grave on day one,’ Palin – ready to breed, but not ready to lead.” Then I would attack McCain’s strength – being a POW. I’d frame it like McCain was a loser for getting caught by the enemy and that instead of continuing to fight Communists like other brave soldiers, he was busy telling our enemies just how bad the US was, and make it seem that was what he really believed about America.”

Rove continued, ‘I’d attack Palin for being an anti-family feminist, who should be home raising her kids with moral values, rather than running around like a rock star while her daughter gets knocked up by some ignorant redneck. I’d attack McCain by saying if he doesn’t know how may houses he has, how is he going to know how many soldiers he has as Commander in Chief? And Palin and that Alaska first crowd? Oh, my God. I’d say she not only wanted Alaska to secede from the Union, but she wanted it to join Russia which it practically borders, and I would run an ad asking ‘would you want this woman, Palin to have her hand on the button with PMS, Pentecostal Mental State?’ This would be so much fun, I am tempted to switch parties.”

When asked by Vanity Fair if he was giving valuable ammunition to the Democrats by revealing his strategy, Rove said he wasn’t the least bit worried. “Those Democrats don’t have the guts and besides there is so much Kumbayah over there that a peace march might break out any minute.”

Monday, September 08, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) - To calm fears that he will not ask softball questions of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her first interview since being selected to run with John McCain, ABC’s Charles Gibson has released the questions that he will ask the Alaska Governor. “There have been rumors on the internet,” Gibson told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “that in order to land this first interview with Sarah Palin, that I had to agree to ask softball questions. Nothing could be further from the truth. Miss Sarah will be asked the same tough, non-biased questions I would be asking any candidate regardless of whether or not they were the first woman to be nominated for Vice President by the Republican Party and regardless of whether or not I got a late night call from Dick Cheney.”

The following is a sample of the hard-hitting questions Gibson will ask Governor Palin:

1. What shade of lipstick is best for hockey moms?
2. When do you think the American people will realize you have more administrative experience than Obama and Biden combined?
3. How hard is it going to be to convince the American people that they don’t want a Muslim President like Barack Obama?
4. How dangerous would it be for America and especially little children if a former community organizer becomes President?
5. Just how long have you known that Michelle Obama hates America?
6. Do you think the terrorists will hit us again and hit hard if we elect a Democrat President?
7. Just how many of our children will be turned gay if Obama is elected?
8. Just how was it revealed to you by God that he chose you to be one tired old heartbeat away from being leader of the free world?
9. When Judgment day arrives, will I be left behind?
10. And finally, when you are in the White House, just what will you do to Maryline Blackburn who beat you to take the Miss Alaska crown in 1984?

Gibson will conduct the interview this week with Palin in Alaska. ABC News spokesman Jeffery Schneider said he did not believe Gibson’s announced questions were the key to securing the interview. “She is not scared to answer questions,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, “not even from a hard-line liberal reporter such as Charles Gibson.”

Sunday, September 07, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Democratic partisans cheered and laughed at their convention in Denver when New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson asked, “will anybody miss Dick Cheney?” A new book contends that Bill Richardson’s prediction could be wrong, dead wrong. James L. Wasserman, author of I Never Thought I’d Miss Richard Nixon has just written a new book called, I Never Thought I’d Miss Dick Cheney, No Never, No Way Never, No Way No How No Never.

Wasserman states that after a careful examination of Governor Palin, he says a McCain Palin victory in November will indeed shake things up in Washington as the GOP campaign ads declare, but not in a good way. Wasserman writes, “There is a greater than 40% chance that due to his age and five years as a POW, McCain will not be able to complete his four year term, and that means Palin will become the most powerful person on the planet. That should make American more frightened than having to watch Britney Spears try and resurrect her career.”

Wasserman tells us, “You have no idea what she is capable of doing when she gets PMS. That’s not sexist, as PMS stands for ‘Pentecostal Mental State’ which men can get, too. Jerry Falwell suffered from it. While Cheney supposedly swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution, Palin will swear at the Constitution while upholding the Bible, and her version of the Bible at that.” The book also states, “Like Cheney, she likes oil profits, but she likes Bible Prophets even more. And if that lawyer guy who went hunting with Cheney had gone with her, he would never have come back.”

“If she becomes President, I’ll have to leave the country,” said former Alaska State Trooper Mike Wooten, who claims Governor Palin wanted him fired because he was involved in a nasty divorce with her sister. “But I wouldn’t be safe anywhere because as President, she might hunt me down in some cave and smoke me out dead or alive.”

“I don’t agree with that nasty book about the pretty lady from the frozen state of Alabama who is running with Senator McCann,” said President Bush, “I really like that Governor Stephanie Palin because she tells the story of that old Alaskan saying or is it from Tennessee that if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still lipstick.”

When asked if he read Wasserman’s book, Cheney said, “I was aware the book was being written. Actually, thanks to our new security procedures we have in place to protect against terrorists, I could read the book as it was being written. Actually, if you will, I am so touched to think that I could be missed, that I’d cry if I could cry, just like I’d smile if I could smile.”

Saturday, September 06, 2008

By R J Shulman
ATLANTA – Representative Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA), who made quite a stir when he called Barack and Michelle Obama “uppity,” defended himself today. “I had no idea,” said the two term congressman from Sharpsburg, Georgia, “that ‘uppity’ would offend darkies. What? Darkies is offensive? The next thing you know, some Jewboy lawyer will try and sue me over it. What? Jewboy is offensive? I just cant believe it. Those PC people are taking away our best language.”

“We were simply trying to portray the Obamas as being out of touch with the American people by being arugula chomping elitists,” said Karl Rove. “But what we found out was that Westmoreland is onto something here as he seems to have energized the GOP base.” A New York Times/ABC poll showed that Westmoreland’s approval rating rose from 58% to 73% after his comment about the Obamas became known.
“This PC crap has been intimidating us all these years,” said senior McCain campaign advisor Steve Schmidt, “so all formally forbidden nasty names are now back on the table. We are no longer going to cower in the corner, fearful of what America-hating liberals might say. What that means in practical terms,” Schmidt said, “is that the straight talk express will no longer be afraid to call a spade a spade.”

Friday, September 05, 2008

By R J Shulman
ST. PAUL, Minnesota –(PTSD News) The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the original speech that John McCain was prepared to give at the Republican National Convention last night. However, a call from an unnamed Republican leader who telephoned from a bunker in Wyoming persuaded McCain to give the substitute speech that he ultimately gave to the partisan crowd.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch was able to retrieve the last known copy of McCain’s original speech from an unnamed reliable source. Here are some of the highlights:

My friends, my friends, my friends, my friends, my friends, my goddamed friends – there - I got that out of the way. I say “my friends” because if I didn’t, I would think you were all my frickin’ enemies and I would have to fight you, which is the theme of my speech. Fight, fight, fight. I want you to fight with me.

And I should know about fighting. There is a little known fact that I never like to talk about, but I was a prisoner of war in Viet Nam. So I won’t mention that I was a POW. And as a POW, which I won’t bring up, that gives me the experience and temperament to be a leader. And in order to give Americans the chance to grow up to be leaders, I will make all of you prisoners of war – prisoners of my wars. First we’ll fight in Iraq for a hundred years. Then we will go to war against Iran and Syria, and North Korea and North Dakota if they don’t vote for me.

Now some have criticized me for being to old. Hell, its not me that’s too old, it’s Cindy. So that is why I chose Sarah Palin. She is just the right partner to help lead the charge in this fight. Did I mention that I wasn’t going to say I was a POW?

We Republicans believe in family values like marriage before sex, unless it’s the Vice President’s family and we Republicans believe in judges who don’t legislate from the bench, unless its to put George W. Bush in office and we Republicans don’t believe in corrupt politicians getting away with it, unless it’s me and the other Keating five and we Republicans believe in… I forget, so I’ll just wave the flag and say fight, fight, fight.

Now about partisanship and change. I don’t believe in partisanship, but I believe in change. So if I am elected President I will outlaw the other party so there will be no party bickering. How is that for a change? Did I mention I was a POW?

You can get a copy of the whole text of this original speech by visiting

Thursday, September 04, 2008

By R J Shulman
ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Adding to his reputation for being a maverick, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain announced that this year the Republicans will forego having a Party Platform. “Instead of coming up with a list of issues and what we stand for as a party,” said senior McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, “we will simply attack Obama.” Schmidt continued, “The Media and the American people are not really interested in real issues, so why bother with substance when we can hand them attack slogans.”

“When Sarah Palin attacked Obama in her speech, the crowd went wild,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign. “It was like feeding time at the zoo. It was especially delicious when she mocked his community service. Imagine thinking helping people like those losers on the South Side of Chicago makes you be qualified to be President.”

“Bashing Obama gives me such a rush,” Palin said. “It reminds me of how I feel when I shoot a caribou and watch it in its death throes. I have Obama in my sights and I will not spare his wife, his nasty girls, his America-hating preacher and his dog if he had one.” When asked if that might cause retaliation from the other side, Palin said, “How dare they or the press attack my family. They are off limits. So’s John McCain. He was a POW!”

“My friends,” John McCain told reporters, “I am going to track Obama down even if I have to follow him to the gates of Hell.”

“The Democrats and the liberal media have underestimated Sarah Palin,” said Karl Rove, “you don’t mess with a beauty pageant queen who got stuck being Miss Congeniality. Quite frankly, she scares the bejesus out of me.” “That is one woman,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “with whom I would never go on a hunting trip.”

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

By R J Shulman
GRAYSON, New Mexico – There once was a time in America when a girl in the senior high school class would quietly leave school to help take care of her “aunt’s” newborn baby. There once was a time in America when a parent’s greatest nightmare was that their teen daughter would get pregnant. But now, thanks to the nomination of Governor Sarah Palin, all that has changed.

“The accolades of praised heaped upon Sarah Palin and her pregnant daughter Bristol regarding her unwed pregnancy have turned conventional wisdom on it’s head,” said Brandon Wilson of the Rand Institute. “Getting pregnant when she is a teenager gives a girl the chance to show the world just how pro-life she really is,” said Tony Perkins of the Family Research Counsel. “She can expect the child, expect the moral support of fellow Christians, but of course, not expect any financial support because she’ll be on her own.”

“This is good news for girls who make poor judgment about sex,” said James Dobson of Focus on the Family. “because she can get redemption by bringing Jesus and her new baby into her life. Of course if she even thinks about an abortion, she will immediately go to hell and have to spend eternity with all the gays and Democrats.”

Not everyone believes this is a good trend. “This new acceptance of teenage pregnancy sends the wrong message to teenage boys who already have enough trouble trying to control themselves. This new praise for teen pregnancy is a green light for teenage boys to feel they can be reckless with a girl and only have to fear good consequences,” said Helen Platt of the National Organization for Women. “This whole Palin nomination is ridiculous,” said one senior Obama staffer, “you know how when a Republican does something really bad and has to resign, he says he is leaving to spend more time with his family? Well this is a case where Governor Palin should resign because she should spend more time with her family.”

The wild support of Palin’s daughter’s pregnancy has had immediate effect on the entertainment industry. Expect Hollywood to release a bundle of new movies about teenage pregnant girls, starting with Juno II due out in about nine months.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

By R J Shulman
ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Key leaders of the Republican Party are going on the offensive to head off criticism of their new Vice Presidential candidate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin due to the disclosure that her 17-year old unmarried daughter Bristol is pregnant. “If it wasn’t for Hillary’s long time support of loose morals and whipping up women to think they can make decisions about their own bodies, none of this would have happened,” said Grover Norquist, anti-tax activist and GOP leader. “Staying married to that cheating liar of a husband of hers, gave the message to our daughters that it is acceptable to lose all respect for themselves and to forget our all important teachings of abstinence only. Shame on the Clintons. They should be impeached all over again,” said senior McCain advisor Steve Schmidt.

“The focus of blame lies clearly with the Clinton’s and the rest of the Godless Democrats,” said Family Research president Tony Perkins, “and certainly not with the Palin’s. Fortunately, their daughter Bristol believes in pro-life and will keep the child and will marry the child’s father as soon as a suitable father can be located.” More importantly for Palin and the Republicans, the elder statesman of the evangelical movement, James Dobson of the powerful Focus on the Family organization said he backs Palin completely. “We all know that this teen pregnancy is the result of the Democrat Party’s unabashed support of the gay agenda.”

“This disclosure will not hurt the Republican ticket but actually help it,” said Annette Ratliff a Texas delegate to the GOP convention. “It shows that the Palin’s wrestle with the same problems as ordinary Americans and their handling of it shows strength, determination and that they are just like us. Now if it was Chelsea Clinton or one of the Obama girls who got pregnant when they are teens, it would be nothing less than a message to the American people of a shameful flaunting of immoral behavior encouraged by parents in league with the devil himself.”

Monday, September 01, 2008

By R J Shulman
SAN ANTONIO – President Bush spoke today about the storm battering the gulf states saying that the response to Hurricane Gustav was much better than the one to Hurricane Katrina because there were now all Republican Governors. “These Republican governors, unlike that Democrat last time around, have the skill and expertizication to ask for federal help in a way that I can understand, instead of the whiney way that America-hating liberals complain about stuff that makes real Americans like me tune them out. This time the governor of Louisiana made it clear they really needed help, so we gave it to them,” the President told reporters.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who tracked the storm from a bunker in Wyoming, said, “This is why Americans should vote for Republican governors, because if they don’t, we will be hit again and will be hit hard.”

President Bush, who viewed the storm from a response and communication center in San Antonio said, “I am glad to be here in the heart of the center of Texas where I can watchicate Hurricane Gestapo and the Texas Rangers at the same time as they have lots of TV screens. Now this here is one slick hurricane response operation.”

John McCain who delayed his trip to St. Paul for the Republican National Convention said, “Obama must take responsibility for being against the surge. The surge is working. The storm surge that is. It’s working because I can use this natural disaster to make it look like I am compassionate and at the same time I can avoid having to try and explain my shifting positions on the issues.”