LEHMAN BROTHERS FAILS, PREDATORY BORROWING BLAMED
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – The venerable Lehman Brother Investment bank said today that they will file for bankruptcy after the value of its shares fell 94%. The 158 year-old firm that has weathered the railroad crisis and the great depression couldn’t withstand the current decline in real estate. “Our demise was all due to the predatory practices of the borrowers,” said Mark Sloan of Lehman, “those people, mostly minorities forced banks to make bad mortgages. We were helpless against all this political correctness which essentially made it obligatory to make those bad loans.”

“Those people put the gun to the heads of our financial institutions,” said Dan Alpert managing director of New York based Westwood Capital investment bank. “The greed of these people who wanted to be “moving on up” has been responsible for a great loss of jobs in the investment community. How are these investment bankers going to be able to afford the upkeep of their yachts in the Hamptons?”

The financial crisis had deepened over the weekend as Bank of America announced that they will buy troubled Merrill Lynch. “The acquisition of Merrill Lynch makes sense,” said Ken Lewis, Bank of America chairman and chief executive officer. “When you get a chance to get Boardwalk and Park Place at a cut-rate price, you can’t pass it up. It’s a great way to pass ‘Go’ and collect another $200 if you know what I mean.”

The Federal Reserve and the Bush Administration have promised to investigate the behavior of the predatory borrowers. “We are going to offercate them some options,” President Bush said, “either go to jail for preditatious borrowing or go to Iraq to replace the soldiers who I am de-srugicating.”

John McCain said at a campaign rally in Nashua, New Hampshire, “I don’t understand this economy or all this whining about the economy. If I can have seven or eight or nine or ten mortgages working just fine, why can’t all Americans? I am especially surprised at those whiners who didn’t have to suffer being a POW like me, but I don’t want to take this opportunity to make a big deal that I was a POW for five years. And as a POW, I am entitled to be your next President, my friends, if fact my friends because I was a POW you have to be my friend, my friends.”