CHENEY BOYHOOD NOTE TO SANTA ON SALE ON EBAY
By R J Shulman
LINCOLN, Nebraska – Elizabeth Bochner, an 87 year-old former school teacher, claims she has a note to Santa written by Vice President Dick Cheney who attended her second-grade class at Calvert Elementary School when the Cheneys lived in Lincoln, Nebraska. She remembers the Vice President as a strange little boy who never smiled. “He used to spend time by himself, watching the other pupils, spying on them, actually,” Bochner said.

Bochner discovered the note in an old trunk in the attic. She intends to take the proceeds from the sale of the list to help pay for her hip operation as she has no health insurance.

The note begins with the phrase, “Listen up Santa,” and lists ten requests for Christmas including, “a rifle, not the air kind but with reel [sic] bullits [sic] that you can put an eye out if you want to, a secret underground hideout to make secret plans, and a set of soldiers, not the toy kind, but reel [sic] one so that I can take over the world, if I want to.” The note ends with “and no funny stuff, Santa, like a lump of coal this year or I’ll tell everyone where you touched Bobby Thorndike when he sat on your lap at Klein’s Department Store.”

“I must admit I was relieved when the Cheney’s moved to Wyoming,” Bochner said, “especially after Dickey said something about if I didn’t give him a passing grade, my little dog Flufton might end up in his final throes.”

Ed Wharton, a handwriting expert doubts the authenticity of the note. “I have examined it thoroughly, “he said, “and this surely wasn’t written by Mr. Cheney as the author of this note is clearly a heartless sociopath who fits the profile of a mass murderer or war criminal.”
A spokesman for the Vice President said that Cheney denies the note was his. “I never believed in that Santa propaganda,” He said. Cheney added that there are no hard feelings, and to prove that, he said he would like to personally show Ms. Bochner the rifle he eventually did get for Christmas.