FED RESCUES AIG, CANCELS SOCIAL SECURITY
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – In an unprecedented move, the Federal Reserve Board will lend up to $85 billion to rescue faltering American International Group. In return, the federal government will receive an almost 80% stake in the company.

“A failure of this size could hurt Wall Street and the CEO’s who have worked so hard to build wealth that they can then trickle down to the little people,” the Fed said in a statement. “And in order to pay for this important bail out, we will have to cancel Social Security.”

“Taking the money from Social Security to give to AIG is a great idea,” said Phil Gramm, former John McCain financial advisor, “we have needed to privatize socialistic institutions like Social Security and this is a great way to do it.” This sentiment was echoed by William Huff formerly of Lehman Brothers, “It’s not the government’s fault that people get old, so it is ridiculous that people look to the government when they are too weak to work anymore. Besides, any money they put away during their working lives should have been invested with us at Lehman Brothers. Then maybe I would still have a job.”

“Thank God they bailed out AIG," said personal finance expert Suze Orman on the Larry King show on Tuesday night, “I had way too much exposure of that stock in my personal portfolio.” “My friends,” said John McCain at a campaign rally at a Wendy’s in Clovis, New Mexico, “the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and by that I mean that American mothers are the fundamentals of the economy and anyone who attacks the economy, such as Barack Obama is attacking our American mothers. What I want to know is what Obama hates more, American mothers or apple pie?”

“We are proud as peaches to be able to bailicate this fine conglomeration of insurances and stuff,” said President Bush. “We have to keep America the most strongest by shoring up my financial friends by having the government taking over companies so we can fight our greatest enemy, socialized health care.”