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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

by R J Shulman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama  - (PTSD News Service) – The Alabama legislature has just passed a new law that requires that eighteen weeks into every pregnancy an assault weapon is implanted in the mother’s womb for the unborn child to use for self-protection.  The new legislation, called “The Stand Your Womb Law” was made possible by a new medical procedure, called “in-vitro arming,” developed by Dr. Wayne D. Blasterman at the Medical Center at the University of Alabama in Birmingham. The operation places an armed miniature weapon within arm’s reach of the fetus.

“With the cooperation of several gun manufactures,” said Dr. Blasterman, “the most vulnerable of all can now protect themselves with either a Bushmaster, Jr. an AK-47 Mini to be able to take out the abortion doctor and to blast a hole in the mother who wants him dead.”

The law was heralded by Governor Robert Bentley as killing two birds with one stone.  “I get to promote the right to life and right to gun ownership with one stroke of the pen,” Bentley said as he signed the bill into law.

This new legislation compliments two new gun laws passed last week in Alabama, one that arms teachers in public schools, as long as the teachers have opted out of the teacher’s unions and a law that removes taxes on gun and ammunition.  Promoters of the anti-tax law said that just like there are no taxes on tax free speech and religion, you shouldn’t be able to tax the Second Amendment right to own guns.

In other states, gun activists have been fighting back against the rising tide of calls to find ways to reduce gun violence. “More people are killed by heart attacks than by guns, yet we don’t outlaw hearts, so why should we outlaw guns?” said Chuck Montana a NRA member from Idaho who is supporting an initiative to make it a felony to speak against the right of gun ownership. 

Skip Dalton, Professor of History at the University of Mississippi pointed out that gun ownership as part of a well regulated militia as stated in the Second Amendment is part of the traditional values of the South and, as such, must not be abridged by any restrictions.  “In the past, the well regulated state militias helped to keep the peace and domestic tranquility of the state by making sure that citizens’ property, mainly the slaves were kept in line,” Dalton said, “and what can be more traditional than the descendants of the plantation owners having guns to protect themselves from the descendents of the slaves?”

“Every time there is a shooting, the media and the liberals immediately want to blame guns,” said Billy D. Skinner, a spokesman for the NRA, “when the real blame lies with the people who were the ones who got in the way of the bullets in the first place.  It’s their own fault they chose to be where they were when a gun owner happened to be exercising their Second Amendment right to shoot.”

In a related story, the body of actor and gun advocate Charlton Heston has been reported as yet to be buried, even though he died April 5, 2008.  “We cannot find a coffin big enough to fit him into,” said Lloyd Fenster, Director of Burials at Woodlawn Cemetery in Hollywood, California.   “Nothing seems to fit Mr. Heston properly,” Fenster said, “because even after all of this time, we have been unable to pry the gun out of his cold dead hands.”

Editor’s note:  Sandy Hook Elementary is located 14.2 miles from the house he in which he grew up.   The editor can recall only one gun related death in the eighteen years he lived in his small town. It occurred when a classmate accidentally shot himself in an unfortunate hunting accident.  Things have changed.   P.S. this is an attempt at satire, albeit, probably in poor taste, so don’t get all hysterical, count your ammunition and then start up all your death threats.  There needs to be a rational discussion about this topic.