THE SEVEN GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS BINDERS OF WILLARD “MITT” ROMNEY

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – Since Mitt Romney was so proud of his “Binders Full of Women,” the Post Times Sun Dispatch News Service is pleased to present more information about that binder along with six more that make up the Seven Good News, Bad News Binders of Willard “Mitt” Romney: 

1.      Binder Full of Women – The good news is that this binder contains the names of qualified women job applicants, the bad news is that they will not be guaranteed equal pay for equal work with their male co-workers

2.      Binder Full of Jobs –  This good news is that this binder contains 12 million jobs, the bad news is that the jobs will be in China

3.      Binder Full of Tax Cuts – This good news is that this binder is full of tax cuts for the so-called wealthy “job creators,” the bad news is that the middle class will be required to pay for the loss of this revenue

4.      Binder Full of Social Security – The good news is that this binder is full of the names of Social Security recipients, the bad news is that their benefits will be administered by greedy guys and gals at Goldman Sachs and their avaricious associates

5.      Binder Full of Afghan US Troop Reductions - The good news is that this binder is full of the names of US troops that will be removed from harm’s way in Afghanistan, the bad news is they will be immediately re-deployed to a new war in Iran.

6.      Binder Full of Health Care – The good news is that this binder is full of the names of outstanding medical providers, the bad news is that this binder contains a list of all of the pre-existing conditions that the insurance companies can use to prevent someone from accessing the services of those outstanding medical providers

7.      Binder Full of Regulation Reform – (OK, we couldn’t find anything good here) This binder is full of regulations that will be removed relating to energy production, banking, investing, manufacturing and protections of workers rights, the even worse news is that the loss of these regulations will be replaced by ones that regulate  your mother’s, daughter’s and sisters’ bodies

ROMNEY’S LAST MINUTE APPEAL TO UNDECIDEDS: I BELIEVE WHAT OBAMA DOES, ONLY I’M WHITE

by R J Shulman

TRAINSWITCH, North Carolina – (PTSD News Service) - Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has launched an eleventh hour pitch to persuade undecided voters by saying that now that he agrees with President Obama’s popular positions, voters should chose him because, as a white man, when he pushes an agenda to Congress, it will not be rejected outright because he won’t be thought of as “arrogant” or “uppity.”

“Whether or not you are part of the 47% of the people that I don’t care about,” Romney said, “would you be more comfortable hearing about a strong American middle class, saving Social Security, or liking American cars from a guy who looks like successful businessman or hear it from someone who looks more like a guy who is selling crack to food stamp recipients in a dark back alleys? Most undecided Americans,” Romney said, “should be more skeptical of hearing about being tough on Islamic terrorists or getting healthcare to everyone from a guy with a foreign sounding name like Barack Hussein Obama than from someone named Mitt Romney, a name that sounds like an average guy who can relate to your problems when you have a drink with him at your corner yacht.”

Romney also said that Americans should choose him when they look to the future. “Since I now have the same basic views as President Obama does, the decision should come down to would you, the average American, rather have someone who looks like me or someone who looks kind of third-worldy pictured on the US Ten-Thousand Dollar bill that your children will soon need to buy a loaf of bread.”

Representative James Clyburn of South Carolina called Romney’s latest tactic, “both decidedly offensive and downright racist.” Romney responded by calling Clyburn, “pathetically naïve. Doesn’t he know it’s called a Presidential race?”

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN SECRET STRATEGY MEMO: ROMNEY WILL FAKE SINCERITY UNTIL THE ELECTION

By R J Shulman

BINDER CORNERS, North Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – A Romney secret campaign memo was accidentally sent to a researcher with truthinpolitics.com, a non-partisan political watchdog group in which senior strategists of the Romney campaign state that the only way their candidate can narrow the gender gap is to pretend that he is sincere. The memo lays out a five-point plan that includes Romney practicing genuineness in front of focus groups, banks of mirrors, TV monitors, cell phone cameras and audio playbacks.

“In this way,” the memo states, “Romney can make sure he has the right facial expressions, tone of voice and hand gestures to convince the average woman that he has their best interests at heart, regardless of what he says or intends to do.” The memo continues, “this is not about what Mitt believes, but about what women believe he believes.”

The memo appears to be written by Tag Romney, Mitt’s son who is playing a controlling role in his father’s campaign. Tag goes on to say that if this plan for Mitt to fabricate sincerity fails, “I can always take a swing at Obama.” When confronted by a researcher from truthinpolitics.com, regarding Tag’s threat to physically attack the president, Tag Romney said his memo was taken out of context and that he was referring to taking the swing vote from Obama.

ROMNEY COMPLETES MISSION OF CLAIMING ALL POSITIONS ON ALL ISSUES TO THWART ANY ATTACK FROM OBAMA

by R J Shulman

GEMENI, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – By stating that he has no anti-abortion legislative agenda on Tuesday and then on Wednesday saying his is a pro-lifer to the core, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has completed the daunting task of having publically supported opposing positions on every significant political issues of this election season. “Now I am in the catbird’s seat,” said a jubilant Romney, “whether it be a discussion or a national debate, whatever Obama says I stand for, I will have demonstrable proof that I have taken the opposite position. And once I can show that he is wrong about that, I can convince the voters that he is wrong for America.”

Some of the more notable issues in which Romney has taken opposing sides is saying he was against the automobile industry bailout and then saying he was for it, saying he was for certain provisions of Romneycare and then coming out against the same provision when they were part of Obamacare, and saying he wanted to cut taxes on the wealthy “job creators” and then telling everyone he was not in favor of lowering their taxes. According to an extensive study by Politicon, a non-partisan political watch dog group, of the top five-hundred possible issues this political season, Romney has taken at least two or more positions on every single one of them.

Vice President Joe Biden has criticized Romney’s ever changing positions, saying that, “Romney has more flip-flops than a Chinese footwear factory.” However, Romney immediately countered by saying, “I used to be against flip-flopping, but now I am for it.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROMNEY ACCIDENTALLY CALLS CONGRESS, SUPREME COURT “THE HELP”

by R J Shulman

 

RICHMOND, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – Another secretly taped conversation by Mitt Romney at a fund raiser for billionaires surfaced today showing Mitt Romney telling a group of wealthy supporters that the greatest problem facing anyone who takes the oath of office of President of the United States is that “you just can’t get good help in the Congress and Supreme Court anymore.”   Romney then said that as president, the first thing he would do would be “to clean House, the Senate and the ‘Stench from the Bench,’ referring to the Supreme Court.  Romney concluded that, “with the proper servants in place in Congress and in the highest court in the land, I would be able to make my subjects, the American people love and adore me, the key to the top down management style that served me so well when I was running Bain Capital before I retroactively stepped down.”

 

After a flurry of negative comments, mostly calling the latest Romney comment arrogant and out of touch with the American people, Romney spokesperson, Clement Worthington denied that Romney had made yet another gaff, but this new comment was exactly consistent with the message Romney has been giving all along, that Romney supports a strong America so that American Exceptionalism can be spilled out all over the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROMNEY: LIBERAL MEDIA WILL UNFAIRLY TRY AND MAKE ME LOOK STIFF AND UNCOMFORTABLE DURING DEBATE

by R J Shulman

 

DENVER – (PTSD News Service) – In an apparent attempt to lower expectations for his performance in Wednesday’s debate with President Obama, Mitt Romney told reporters that he fully expects what he calls the left-leaning media to try and sabotage his performance by doing everything they can to make him appear less likable than his opponent. 

 

“They will do whatever they can to make me look robotic and not like the warm, people loving person that I am,” Romney said, “they will hit me with ‘gotcha questions’ and try and make me seem like I am either out of touch or don’t care about all of America including the people I have the deepest compassion for, those lazy, shiftless, welfare collecting, government depending, gutter dwelling, couch potato, lollygagging, goldbricking, trailer trash, dumpster diving, bottom dwelling, low-life, scum-sucking, puke-inducing, sub-human, comatose, worthless scum who I am sure would vote for me if they hear my real message instead of the out of context stuff they will get from the liberal media.”