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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service)

December 31, 2012

Well dear readers, we asked you to list what you thought were the top stories of 2012 and on the eve of the new year, we present the Post Times Sun Dispatch list of the top stories of 2012:

1.      The year 2012 starts with mass panic that the Mayan calendar is right and the world will end by the end of the year.

2.      Facebook sells it millions of member’s names, addresses, phone numbers, sexual preferences and racy pictures to the highest bidder.

3.      The Upper Midwest suffers a severe cold spell with the worst damage done to the town of Hell, Michigan where every pipe bursts from frigid weather.  Many say this is Hell freezing over, a sure sign the world will end soon.

4.      China buys Manhattan for twenty million Yuan, which equals $24 in US currency.  They pay for Manhattan in Chinese beads which are later discovered to be made of poison dog food covered with lead paint

5.      US Supreme Court declares that people are not people protected under the Constitution because they are not born with a board of directors and a corporate seal.  

6.      Japan makes an official announcement that just because thousands of children are born with multiple heads and eyes is no proof that the nuclear leak at the Fukushima Daiichi plant was not completely contained.

7.      Romney wins the Republican nomination for president, but after seeking this position for eight years, immediately flip-flops and declines the nomination.

8.      In a last minute effort to salvage their chances in the November election, the GOP nominates the only other Republican candidate left standing, Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell.

9.      A gas explosion at a conference of top conservatives at the Dallas Hilton sends Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich flying out the window.  Many say this amounts to pigs flying and signifies a sure sign of the end of the world.

10.  President Obama announces that he has killed Bin Laden again in a move to enhance his prospect of reelection.  Bush takes credit again for the second death of Bin Laden.

11.  The Chicago Cubs win the World Series by sweeping the New York Yankees in 4 games.  Many say this is final proof that the world is about to end.

12.  Exit polls of the November election show a landslide for Obama and the Democrats, but the actual tally by the black box voting machines show a landslide for O’Donnell and the Republicans by the exact same margin exit polls gave the Democrats.

13.  President elect O’Donnell says she will wear her witch hat at her inauguration.  Newt Gingrich criticizes her on TV.  She immediately turns Newt into a newt.  O’Donnell names 12 other women to her administration, which is quickly dubbed the Coven Cabinet.

14.  Stocks tumble, the Dow ends year at 666 in the worst decline ever; blame attributed to five black people who tricked the banks into giving them bad home loans where the devil was in the details.

15.  Wackenhut and Correction Corporation of America merge to form Incarcerex, and claim they have facilities large enough to contain 99% of the population.

16.  The Vatican is forced to release the real Third Prophecy of Fatima, which simply read, “Run for the hills.”

17.  The end of the year comes and the world is intact despite the discovery of a new Mayan calendar that says that no matter how it may seem, the world is officially over if three things happen:

a.       A former Hollywood actor becomes the most powerful man in the free world.

b.      The American League adopts the designated hitter rule, and

c.       Enough people believe that Fox News is really News.


Thursday, December 29, 2011

by R J Shulman

EDGEFIELD,  South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) –  Jason Haws of the Syfy reality TV series Ghost Hunters claims that while on location at the Willowbrook Cemetery, he and his crew were visited by the ghost of longtime South Carolina politician Strom Thurmond.  “There was no doubt it was Thurmond,” Hawes said, “it looked just like him and when he began to speak he said something about turning in his grave when Barack Obama became president.  He then praises Republicans for their nationwide effort to put “roadblocks’ in the voting process to keep the undesirables out.” 

Hawes was able to catch some comments on his tape recorder that he attributes to Thurmond.  “Back in my day,” Thurmond says in a clear by eerie voice, “we referred to such delicious tactics as belonging to one Mr. Jim Crow, as is in if you are as black as a crow you can fergit about votin’.”

Hawes and the Ghost Hunters cast and crew came to this quiet southern town because of persistent rumors of “an ugly old ghost” seen hanging around the cemetery, complaining about “political correctness” and “affirmative action.”

On the tape, Thurmond’s ghostly voice said, “I like forcing people to have a picture voter ID and charging people to get one, which is a modern poll tax, and also making sure in certain darkie districts there are not enough poll workers sos the folks have to wait extra long in line and all those other restrictive laws that Republicans are now using that will have the effect of keeping the coloreds out of the ballot box.”

 Hawes said that he had hoped to get more comments from the specter of Thurmond, but another ghost who looked a great deal like Malcolm X showed up and chased Thurmond back into the ground. 

The show is set to air on the Syfy network the second week in January.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Desperate to field a viable presidential candidate, in an otherwise field of dismal or freakish wannabes, several Republican Party leaders planned to reach out to Jesus to get him to carry the GOP presidential banner for 2012.  However, before Jesus could even be asked, he was rejected by a poll of the Republican party rank and file for being too liberal.

“Our polls showed that Jesus could do very well against Obama in the general election, especially as we could frame the choice as being between Christ and the Anti-Christ,” said Jib Cutter, a GOP research analyst, “but the problem is that Jesus gave out free healthcare by healing the sick, acted like a socialist by wanting everyone to help the poor, and was a dark-skinned fellow of the Jewish persuasion, all things that will be soundly rejected by the religious right.” 

“We needed the Anti-Romney and Anti-Obama all rolled into one candidate and thought Jesus could fill those shoes,” said Wayne Church, a GOP spokesperson, “but the guy doesn’t wear shoes, but instead walks around in hippie sandals.”   Rex Barker, another GOP strategist said it was just as well that Jesus proved not to be Christian enough, “There really wasn’t enough time for Jesus to be fully vetted.  Heck we don’t even know what the ‘H’ stands for that’s his middle name.”

Others thought Jesus would be weak on the war on terror.  “When Jesus should be shock and awing the enemy, he might turn the other cheek,” said Connie Langdale, of the Maryland Republican Party.  “While he doesn’t have the kind of marriage and divorce baggage of someone like Gingrich,” said Bub Sacklane, a Wichita, Kansas Republican, “he has been known to hang out with prostitutes.  Plus I would have felt a bit more comfortable if Jesus had turned the water to beer instead of wine, because wine is just too darn French and gay.”

Saturday, December 24, 2011

by R J Shulman

BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania – (PTSD News Service) – An epidemic sweeping faster than the super flu has spread across the United States and other parts of the world, bringing in sudden peace and pleasant thoughts about others.  “We really can’t explain it,” said William G. Feeney of the Calvary Institute of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, “but it is like the whole world has gone mad by acting different than they normally do for no reason we can ascertain.”  Incidents of unexpected niceness have been reported from San Diego, California to Penobscot, Maine and from Olympia, Washington to Key West, Florida.

“The most frightening thing out this pestilence is the thought that there will be endless peace,” said David Lesar CEO of Halliburton, “and that just can’t be good for business.”  “I don’t know what will happen if this breakout of peace ends the War on Christmas, said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, “I’ll have nothing to talk about and I may just lose my will to live.”

The sudden plague of peace caught some politicians off guard. “I was so shocked that I actually enjoyed that we came to a bipartisanship agreement on extending unemployment benefits, that I forgot to have a drink today,” said House Majority Leader John Boehner.  Other people began to question their sanity.  “I was thinking about Obama and suddenly was overcome with a warm feeling, “said Cooter McGoon, a Tea Party member from Greer, South Carolina, “so I checked myself into the loony bin.”

“If this feeling of good will lasts for more than a day or two,” said Rush Limbaugh, “no amount of mama’s special little pills will be able to ease my pain.”

So far the good feelings and peace seems to be holding, but that is of course, subject to change.

Peace and Good Tidings to you from the Post Times Sun Dispatch

Friday, December 23, 2011

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – After months of bashing by Occupy Wall Street, or the 99%ers as they are sometimes called, the top earning 1% have come out swinging by hiring the top ten public relations firms to improve their image and turn the table on the protestors who have given bankers, investors the ultra rich a bad name.  According to a well placed source, the 1%ers have also paid off the rest of the major public relations firms not to do any work for 99%ers, or George Soros. 

“That gang of lazy jobless malcontents occupying this and protesting have been trying to brand the job creators and successful people as being greedy, as if that was bad,” said Milton J. Finster of Edelman, the top independent PR firm. “There is clearly nothing wrong for a person to use hard earned money from investments and inheritance to better their position.”  

“If those jealous thugs occupying public parks would put their nose to the grindstone instead of all that public defecating, they too could buy a congressman or too or even a Supreme Court justice,” said Hammond Newman, a senior executive at APCO Worldwide, a Washington DC public relations giant.

The new conglomerate, known as, “We’re Number One” has already completed its first project. The first barrage of the media blitz by the 1%ers includes the feature films, “Erin Brokovitch Rhymes With Bitch, “Die Michael Moore, Die” and “It’s Wonderful Life II: The Revenge of Mr. Potter” in 3-D, as well as music videos, “Who Let The Jags Out,” “How Many Yachts You Got?” and the Koch Brothers doing a heart-warming version of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.”

Preston Spyglub of Ruder Finn, a New York firm, announced the 1%er’s new slogan, “The rich aren’t dirty.  It’s the 99%ers who need to take a bath or another one,” Spyglub said the phrase “or another one” is not actually in the ads, but used it “because the rich laugh every time I say that.”

Read more »

Thursday, December 22, 2011

by R J Shulman

CHARELSTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times News Dispatch has obtained an exclusive copy of a test given to anyone who wants to join the Tea Party in South Carolina.

1. The current housing and mortgage crisis was caused by:

a. Greedy mortgage lenders

b. Greedy Wall Street Investors who bundled mortgages and knowingly sold bad mortgages and then bet against them

c. Ratings firms who played along and knowingly gave AAA ratings to garbage mortgage investments

d. The black guy in the White House.

2. The plight of the sinking American middle class was caused by:

a. Thirty years of massive lobbying by the ultra wealthy to rig the system in their favor

b. Thirty years of stagnant wages

c. Thirty years of the wealthy and corporations to support laws that encouraged cheap labor and out sourcing

d. The black man in the White House

3. The feeling of helplessness that you have less and less control over your life was caused by:

a. The corporate takeover of the US congress

b. The corporate takeover of the US Supreme Court

c. Erosion of Constitutional rights by laws such as the Patriot Act

d. The black guy in the White House

The answers appeared on the second page:

     If you answered “d” on each of the questions, welcome to the South Carolina Tea Party.

     Next rally will be held on December 31, 2011 at noon at the Wilson Street Baptist Church where we will oppose Obamacare and how it grants special rights to the elderly and children under 26 to health care benefits that they don’t deserve and allows others to unfairly get special exemptions to pre-existing conditions.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The World Wildlife Fund has predicted that it will soon be the end of the line for Americanus Classicus Middae, a species better known as the American middle class. “This once common creature is being forced out of its habitat often out into the street,” said Saul Spartaine, of the WWF, “and if things continue they way they have been, Americanus Classicus Middae, will disappear from the face of the earth forever within our lifetime.”

“There are several major factors responsible for the decline of Americanus Classicus Middae,” said Emma Walden of the Nature Conservancy, “but the main reason is the sharp rise in the past thirty years of Corprotus Preditus, more commonly known as the corporate class, which has forced Americanus Classicus Middae into retreat. What is astounding,” Walden said, “is that Corprotus Preditus is getting help from a sub species of Americanus Classicus Middae, called Conservitus Teaparticae who are actually supporting Corprotus Preditus’s plan to devour Americanus Classicus Middae out of existence. It’s like lemmings or something self destructive that we don’t quite understand,” she said.

The WWF predicted that at the current rate of reduction in numbers of Americanus Classicus Middae, by 2029 there will only be two species left, the Corprotus Preditus and the Chronicus Povertae. “Of course, if Republicans are elected into office in 2012 the end for Americanus Classicus Middae will come much earlier,” Spartaine said.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Republican presidential candidates and conservative commentators alike have reacted to the news of the death of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il with a nearly unanimous voice – the credit for the demise of the ruthless dictator must go to George W. Bush.  “Without a doubt, Kim Jong Il would still be alive today if it wasn’t for Bush’s hard line against evils such as Communism, flag burning and illegal drug use,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “and all this despite the hypocritical socialist Muslim who is now occupying the White House.”   Sean Hannity echoed the sentiment by saying, “If it wasn’t for all of the enhanced interrogation under Bush, America wouldn’t even know that Kim Jong Il was dead.”

At a rally at a fluff and fold in Madbury, New Hampshire, Mitt Romney said, “First I wanted Kim Jong Il dead or alive, then I wanted him dead, then alive and then dead, so you can see I’ve stood strong on this issue.”  Newt Gingrich said that he has turned over a new leaf to be a kinder, gentler person and as such he would not say anything ill of the dead and instead  praised the late dictator saying, “Kim Jong Il really knew how to put children to work.”  Michele Bachmann said, “The success of Bush’s plan to rid the world of the Kim Jong fellow has opened up the Tundra for us to get oil.” 

But not every GOP hopeful had unwavering praise for Bush.  Rick Perry said, “I can appreciate that Bush got Kim Jong the Second, but now we are left with a younger, fatter version with his son Kim Jong…er…its hard to remember a name when it had three parts  Wait, I know, it’s Kim Jong Oops.”  Even though his campaign has been suspended, Herman Cain told reporters, “I deny having a thirteen year affair with Kim Jong Il and any other dictators who may come out in the future and make claims that I had made inappropriate sexual advances toward them is going to be full of lies that are untrue falsehoods which are far from the truth.”

Former President Bush said, “Well I guess the commander guy decider will have to buy a new belt because I’ve run out of notchicating my belt with Saddam, Bin Laden, and Kay-daffy, heh, heh.”

Monday, December 12, 2011

by R J Shulman

DES MOINES, Iowa – (PTSD News Service) – Alec Baldwin is not the only celebrity to have run-ins with American Airlines.  GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich was also asked to leave an American Airlines flight, this one from Des Moines to Atlanta because his baggage exceeded the FAA limit by over twenty-eight times.

Gingrich told stewardess Alicia Barnsworth, “Do you know who I am?” when she asked him to leave the flight before takeoff.  When she requested again that he leave the flight, he told her in a loud voice, “I have divorced women much prettier than you.”

Gingrich was finally escorted off the plane by three TSA employees, pilot, Mac McMillan and Ms. Barnsworth.  Once removed from the flight and denied boarding, Gingrich shouted, “If all you union workers had been fired and replaced with underprivileged children, this would have never happened to me.”

Sunday, December 11, 2011

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Concerned that a bill called Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge Act -- or STOCK Act that would curtail the current practice of members of congress using non-public knowledge to make personal investments, the House voted itself a $3.8 trillion dollar bonus to be split by the 535 members of the US House and Senate.  “The anti-capitalist, America hating Occupy Wall Street crowd has frightened some of the weaker members of the House into wanting to corrupt Congress into capitulating to laws that attack the American God-given right to earn and honest buck,” said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va), who was able to temporarily derail the STOCK Act.  “Therefore, I have made sure that if this communist bill does pass, any losses suffered by those of us who tirelessly work to represent the American public would be counteracted by a special “protection bonus.”

Cantor and Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) who heads House investigations said they will begin to look closely at Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY) and Tim Walz (D-Minn) who sponsored the STOCK Act, “because we have credible evidence that they not only are responsible for allowing the Muslim terrorists to attack us on 9-11, but are entirely responsible for the bad economy as well as carrying out the assassination of President Kennedy,” Cantor said.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

by R J Shulman

CONDESCENDING CIRCLE, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – GOP frontrunner Newt Gingrich announced his plan to stimulate the economy if he were elected president.  “Since it is still too politically incorrect to bring back slavery, which as we historians know was a successful way to create a booming economy,” Gingrich said, “we can use labor of young people instead of wasting time and money in failed attempts to educate them or further wasting taxpayer  money on frivolous programs such as midnight basketball.”

Gingrich outlined his plan by saying, “we know that for every two union jobs in this country, there is one child waiting to do those two jobs.  Besides using children as janitors to patch roofs and maintain boilers, they can find gainful employment cleaning nuclear plants, as fishermen like the ones on Deadliest Catch, loggers, airline pilots, coal miners, sanitation workers, industrial machine repairmen, and those guys who defuse bombs.  This will help the all important employer job creators who keep the economy going, as they will no longer have to pay exorbitant wages to lazy union workers.”

Gingrich noted that while some of these jobs may be dangerous, this experience will prepare these youngsters for the military, “in case we find that more American oil happens to be under the land of ruthless dictators, like we did regarding Saddam Hussein and Moammar Gadhafi.”

Thursday, December 08, 2011

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise ruling, the Supreme Court by a 5-4 vote held that giving money to an elected official to “buy” their vote is protected by the Constitution.  Justice Roberts, writing for the majority said, “In Citizens United we determined that corporations are people who are protected by the First Amendment and that money equals free speech.  In the case at hand, Cole v. Bastrap we take the Citizens doctrine further by holding that giving cash to a lawmaker for a promised vote outcome is the same as simply talking to them and gets the highest Constitutional protection..”

The Cole ruling came as a complete surprise as the free speech argument was not made by either party in a case essentially about interstate water rights.

Justice Ginsberg, speaking for the minority said, “the majority decision has just sold the American democracy to the highest bidder.”  Roberts dismissed that argument by saying, “Nothing in the constitution says that all men are created with the equal amount of free speech and some just have a little more free speech available to them.”

Asked what the basis of his ruling was, Roberts said he was convinced of making the ruling due to a crap load of free speech that came his way.  

Wednesday, December 07, 2011


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Dubbed as the Xmas Offensive, anti-Christmas forces have launched bold new attacks on the hallowed traditional celebration of the birth of Christ. In his latest move, President Obama has ordered his Kwanzaa Muslim Army to attack the forces of Christmas in the heart of the nation’s capital by having them call the Christmas Tree a Holiday Tree and to wish everyone a Joyous Holiday Season without mentioning the word Christmas.

“It happens earlier and earlier every year,” said General Bill O’Reilly, who is leading the pro-Christ forces, “that Christians are attacked at every turn by Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Bahais, New Agers, Wiccans, Cultists and Occultists, Deists, Unitarians, Gnostics, Rastafaris, Sikhs, Shintos, Taoists, Confucianists, Euthanasians, Zoroastrians, Native Americans, Atheists, Agnostics, no preferensists, and of course the original group that did Christ in, the Jews, who all gang up on the baby Jesus,” O’Reilly said. “It’s wonder that with it being a hundred religions to one in this country that Christianity has not become extinct.”

“First I was against the war until I heard that Obama was for the war and then I was for it, until I realized that being against it might save Christmas,” said Mitt Romney, who added, “don’t forget just like corporations are people, Christmas trees are people my friends, and that Mormons are Christians, too who believe in the Christ child and Joseph and Mary and all of her sister wives.”

Newt Gingrich said the war on Christmas has gotten so bad that the anti-Christ forces have banned children from chopping down Christmas trees from the forest, stopped them from digging coal to use in furnaces and stopped them from using sturdy lead paint to color all the joyful Christmas toys.”

Rick Perry said he supports fighting the war against Christmas but wished instead of the twelve days of Christmas there was only two, because that is all he can remember when it comes to gifts he would give.

Herman Cain, who recently suspended his campaign, said that any reports that he touched trees inappropriately has come from lying trees.

Most countries have pledged their support to either the pro or ant-Christmas side, except for Switzerland who declared neutrality, saying their banks and vaults would accept stolen gold, silver, artworks and Christmas loot without asking questions.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011


YOUNG HARRIS, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – In his bid to be the GOP presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich unveiled an important part of his “Contract with Kids” campaign by naming former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky to head his study group to reform laws that restrict or prohibit child labor.  “I wanted someone who has first-hand knowledge that children are capable of handling adult positions so they won’t be swayed by liberal anti-capitalist propaganda about the need for child labor laws,” Gingrich said.

Sandusky held a news conference in which he said he was happy that Gingrich had confidence in him and he would begin working on the study committee as soon as he finished his autobiography, tentatively called “From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story.”

Monday, December 05, 2011

by R J Shulman

DERAIL CENTRE, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – Herman Cain announced today that he is throwing his support behind Newt Gingrich for the GOP presidential nomination.  “I am impressed with Newt’s ability to keep the press away from his personal affairs with the ladies,” Cain said, “and him making one of his ex-wives sign divorce papers when she was sick in the hospital with cancer shows that he is not afraid to do what he thinks is right regardless of public opinion.”

Gingrich welcomed Cain’s support saying, “I won’t forget that boy’s hard work, so when I am the president, I will make sure to make Herman a White House ni..ahh..advisor.”

Now that he has suspended his campaign, Cain said the he plans to spend more time with his family, just as soon as he finishes a two year world-wide speaking tour that just came up.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

by R J Shulman

BEAST OF BURDEN, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – Not only has Newt Gingrich not backed down from his controversial immigration plan, but he has doubled down by explaining it further.  “My immigration plan takes neither the Democrat extreme of amnesty or the shoot-‘em-on sight approach of some of my Republican colleagues,” Gingrich said to a bonfire gathering of the Sons of the South Brotherhood, “but rather takes the middle ground that those people are legally in the United States while they are on the job and illegal when they are not.  This will encourage them to work for as long as possible.”

Gingrich explained that there is one exception to being protected when they are actually working.  “If while on the job, Jose or Lupe asks for higher wages, unscheduled bathroom breaks or safe working conditions they automatically become illegal,” Gingrich said, “and it goes without saying that if one of them gets sick or tries to send one of their kids to school they become illegal and are not eligible for those kind of benefits.” 

“As a bonus to keeping wages reasonable and preserving the profits of the job creators,” Gingrich concluded, “illegal immigrants will be competing for the same jobs as children who under my plan will once again be allowed to learn the lesson of a good twelve hour work-day.”

Mitt Romney had to admit that he liked the Gingrich plan. “Any policy that calls the same person legal one minute and can flip to calling them illegal the next is a plan after my own heart,” he said, “but then again, I might also be against it.”    

Friday, December 02, 2011


Help Wanted

Candidate – Established national political party seeks viable US born person, at least 35 years of age to run for high political office.  Need not have any leadership experience, but must believe in intelligent design rather than evolution, that tax increases to the wealthy are mortal sins, that Obama is a Kenyan born Muslim socialist who hates America, that liberals are part of Satan’s army, and that the most cherished of all American values are CEO bonuses. Homophobia a plus.  Knowledge of where Iowa and New Hampshire are is necessary. Can be from Texas but must know more than two federal agencies you would eliminate. Can be a philanderer, but must have control over trystees. Can have received $1.8 million for being a historian to a government agency who made bad loans, but you cannot be so condescending and mean that you make the Grinch Who Stole Christmas seem like Gandhi. Must be able to distinguish between the day Elvis was born and the day he died. Needed Immediately.  Flip-flopping Mormons pretending to be true conservatives need not apply.  Send fully vetted resume to HelpHelp2012 Committee, P. O. Drawer GOP, Washington, DC 20029.