TOP STORIES OF 2012

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service)

December 31, 2012

Well dear readers, we asked you to list what you thought were the top stories of 2012 and on the eve of the new year, we present the Post Times Sun Dispatch list of the top stories of 2012:

1.      The year 2012 starts with mass panic that the Mayan calendar is right and the world will end by the end of the year.

2.      Facebook sells it millions of member’s names, addresses, phone numbers, sexual preferences and racy pictures to the highest bidder.

3.      The Upper Midwest suffers a severe cold spell with the worst damage done to the town of Hell, Michigan where every pipe bursts from frigid weather.  Many say this is Hell freezing over, a sure sign the world will end soon.

4.      China buys Manhattan for twenty million Yuan, which equals $24 in US currency.  They pay for Manhattan in Chinese beads which are later discovered to be made of poison dog food covered with lead paint

5.      US Supreme Court declares that people are not people protected under the Constitution because they are not born with a board of directors and a corporate seal.  

6.      Japan makes an official announcement that just because thousands of children are born with multiple heads and eyes is no proof that the nuclear leak at the Fukushima Daiichi plant was not completely contained.

7.      Romney wins the Republican nomination for president, but after seeking this position for eight years, immediately flip-flops and declines the nomination.

8.      In a last minute effort to salvage their chances in the November election, the GOP nominates the only other Republican candidate left standing, Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell.

9.      A gas explosion at a conference of top conservatives at the Dallas Hilton sends Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich flying out the window.  Many say this amounts to pigs flying and signifies a sure sign of the end of the world.

10.  President Obama announces that he has killed Bin Laden again in a move to enhance his prospect of reelection.  Bush takes credit again for the second death of Bin Laden.

11.  The Chicago Cubs win the World Series by sweeping the New York Yankees in 4 games.  Many say this is final proof that the world is about to end.

12.  Exit polls of the November election show a landslide for Obama and the Democrats, but the actual tally by the black box voting machines show a landslide for O’Donnell and the Republicans by the exact same margin exit polls gave the Democrats.

13.  President elect O’Donnell says she will wear her witch hat at her inauguration.  Newt Gingrich criticizes her on TV.  She immediately turns Newt into a newt.  O’Donnell names 12 other women to her administration, which is quickly dubbed the Coven Cabinet.

14.  Stocks tumble, the Dow ends year at 666 in the worst decline ever; blame attributed to five black people who tricked the banks into giving them bad home loans where the devil was in the details.

15.  Wackenhut and Correction Corporation of America merge to form Incarcerex, and claim they have facilities large enough to contain 99% of the population.

16.  The Vatican is forced to release the real Third Prophecy of Fatima, which simply read, “Run for the hills.”

17.  The end of the year comes and the world is intact despite the discovery of a new Mayan calendar that says that no matter how it may seem, the world is officially over if three things happen:

a.       A former Hollywood actor becomes the most powerful man in the free world.

b.      The American League adopts the designated hitter rule, and

c.       Enough people believe that Fox News is really News.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE POST TIMES SUN DISPATCH