WAR ON CHRISTMAS RAGES ON; OBAMA DEMANDS THAT BABY JESUS SURRENDER

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Dubbed as the Xmas Offensive, anti-Christmas forces have launched bold new attacks on the hallowed traditional celebration of the birth of Christ. In his latest move, President Obama has ordered his Kwanzaa Muslim Army to attack the forces of Christmas in the heart of the nation’s capital by having them call the Christmas Tree a Holiday Tree and to wish everyone a Joyous Holiday Season without mentioning the word Christmas.

“It happens earlier and earlier every year,” said General Bill O’Reilly, who is leading the pro-Christ forces, “that Christians are attacked at every turn by Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Bahais, New Agers, Wiccans, Cultists and Occultists, Deists, Unitarians, Gnostics, Rastafaris, Sikhs, Shintos, Taoists, Confucianists, Euthanasians, Zoroastrians, Native Americans, Atheists, Agnostics, no preferensists, and of course the original group that did Christ in, the Jews, who all gang up on the baby Jesus,” O’Reilly said. “It’s wonder that with it being a hundred religions to one in this country that Christianity has not become extinct.”

“First I was against the war until I heard that Obama was for the war and then I was for it, until I realized that being against it might save Christmas,” said Mitt Romney, who added, “don’t forget just like corporations are people, Christmas trees are people my friends, and that Mormons are Christians, too who believe in the Christ child and Joseph and Mary and all of her sister wives.”

Newt Gingrich said the war on Christmas has gotten so bad that the anti-Christ forces have banned children from chopping down Christmas trees from the forest, stopped them from digging coal to use in furnaces and stopped them from using sturdy lead paint to color all the joyful Christmas toys.”

Rick Perry said he supports fighting the war against Christmas but wished instead of the twelve days of Christmas there was only two, because that is all he can remember when it comes to gifts he would give.

Herman Cain, who recently suspended his campaign, said that any reports that he touched trees inappropriately has come from lying trees.

Most countries have pledged their support to either the pro or ant-Christmas side, except for Switzerland who declared neutrality, saying their banks and vaults would accept stolen gold, silver, artworks and Christmas loot without asking questions.