LAST COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE DIES AT 98

by R J Shulman

TRAVERSE CITY, Michigan - The last known true compassionate conservative, Frances X. Warren died today after a short illness.  Until recently, Warren, a life-long tart cherry farmer had been active in the Grand Traverse County Republican party and had once served in the Michigan House of representatives from 1959-1968 and as chairman of the Northern Michigan campaign manager of Gerald Ford's election campaign in 1976.  

"He was the last of his kind," said historian Michael G. Hastings, who knew Warren. "a dyed-in-the-wool Republican who cared about people.  Frank believed in the principals of conserving government or the people's resources as he called them."   Hastings said Warren was shocked and saddened by the GOP being taken over by the Strom Thurmond and Newt Gingrich types that he said we're 'so damn mean that they had Lincoln turning over in his hallowed grave.'"

"Besides Lincoln," Hastings said, "Frank's hero was Dwight D. Eisenhower, who he served under in World War II.  Frank agreed with Ike that the biggest threat to the American democracy was not Communism but the unchecked influence of the military industrial complex."

"Frank suffered a stroke after so-called compassionate conservative George W. Bush invaded Iraq, which reminded Frank of when Hitler invaded Poland," said Warren's longtime friend, Tim Cosgrove, "Frank had been doing better in recent years, but suddenly fell ill after watching Rick Perry say "oops" in the debate in which he couldn't remember the third government department he would disband if he were elected president."

Cosgrove, who was with his friend when he died said that Frank's last words were, "Hey, Abraham, can you believe what the heck has happened?"