KOCH INDUSTRIES, GE, EXXON AND OTHERS BUY US GOVERNMENT OUTRIGHT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise move, a conglomeration of nine large corporations including Koch Industries, GE, Exxon, Bank of America and Goldman Sachs has made a deal to purchase the entire United States Government for $480 billion. “We felt it was no longer cost effective to try and buy the votes of candidates we supported for federal office on a state by state basis,” said David Koch, Vice President of Koch Industries, “so we decided to buy the whole government including the three branches, its buildings, land holdings and the Constitution.”

Under the new arrangement, all former functions of the federal government will be handled by a single board of directors. “The congress and president could not agree on budget cuts, so they are both being cut, all of them and their entire staffs, not to mention all government agencies,” said Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE.

The new conglomerate, known as Big Brother, Inc in honor of the Koch brothers, plans to dismantle the government and sell it for parts overseas. “The Constitution will be sold to Libya, because they need a new one,” said Koch. “The right to vote will be sold to Afghanistan because democracy is still on the march there, and the Department of Defense will be sold to China because they can make our weapons cheaper to enable us to fight Communism more efficiently.” Other rights that are being sold are the right to assembly to Syria to stop the government from mistreating protestors, the right to a free press to Rupert Murdock’s Newscorp, the right to free speech to a group led by Rush Limbaugh and the right to freedom of religion to a group of TV evangelical Christian fundamentalists from Texas.

Big Brother hopes to pay for some of the deficit from these sales, but any amount still owed will be paid for by the American people, who, they point out voted in the big spenders. Any new profits will be kept by the conglomerate.

“The American people will be glad to know that Big Brother will eliminate all taxes and replace them with certain fees which will be set up by the Bank of America division,” said Rex W. Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil. “With these bold new changes,” Tillerson said, “we can prove once and for all that the private sector can do everything better than government.