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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

by R J Shulman

WILMINGTON, Delaware - (PTSD News Service)  Having failed in Mississippi to pass a law that would define personhood at conception, Personhood, USA has introduced a new bill that would declare that corporatehood begins at fertilization.  "We made the mistake of thinking that life was the most precious of all values in America," said Raymond Charles, a Personhood spokesperson, "but the holy of most holies is the corporation."

Personhood believes this bill is the best way to protect the unborn as lawmakers and the US Supreme Court have fiercely protected corporations' rights above all others. "And what better state to get it passed first than corporate friendly Delaware," Charles said.

"I am excitedly watching this bill in Delaware," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "because I think Republicans will be on the right side of this issue because in this economic climate, who wants to abort the job creators?"  "This is indeed a win-win for Republicans," echoed House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, "it reunites the religious right with the corporatists in the GOP."

Wall Street has weighed in as friendly to the bill because as one financial analyst at Goldman Sachs said, "we can now turn an ordinary bundle of joy into a bundle of derivatives."

GOP Presidential candidates have weighed in on the bill.  Mitt Romney was against the bill, then for it saying, "Zygotes are people, my friends."  Herman Cain said the real issue was than none of these fetus corporations were his, saying "I never met any of those women."  Perry said there were three reasons he supported the bill, "It is good for commerce, health and I can't remember the third, oops."

Not everyone has weighed in favorably on the bill.  Warren Buffet warned that with it being cheaper to have a baby in China and India, most women may off-shore their births causing a loss to the American population.  "Who cares," said David Koch of Koch Industries, "if the 99%ers become the 89%ers."


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