PERRY’S PLANS FOR FEDERAL AGENCIES REVEALED

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Texas Governor Rick Perry committed the mother of all gaffs last night on the CNBC debate when he was unable to name the third federal agency he would dismantle if he were elected president. Perry offered up the first two, the Departments of Education and Commerce (unnecessary - as in who needs educated people succeeding in commerce?) but stumbled when he tried to name the third.

While most poltical pundits attributed Perry’s oops moment to a memory lapse, we have learned that Perry’s stumbling was not due to a loss for words but due to a loss of courage. Perry’s real plans for a shake-up of the executive branch are so drastic that he was unable to admit it on national TV. We have obtained a secret list of the changes Perry would make if her were president and his notes on why he would do so. Perry would:

1. Change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of Offense. “I’ve watched enough Cowboy losses to know that you have to score more points than the other guys.”

2. Eliminate the Department of Justice. “Justice can get in the way of a good execution.”

3. Eliminate the EEOC. “A fellah should be able to hunt at the camp of his choice no matter what it may be called.”

4. Eliminate the EPA. “Who needs government red tape polluting up the rights of business to make a profit.”

5. Eliminate Congress. “Who needs government red tape polluting up the rights of business to make a profit.”

6. Change the name of the Department of Energy to the Department of Oil and Gas. “We don’t want the communists who are trying to create so-called alternative energy to think they have been invited to the party.”

7. Eliminate the FAA. “We need to let the invisible hand of the free market of the air handle traffic control without government interference.”

8. Eliminate the Department of Labor. “All the jobs have moved to China and India”

9. Eliminate the Department of Transportation. “If a guy who owns trucks can make more of a profit by not having to make sure his trucks have good brakes, why should the government be allowed to interfere with his bottom line?”

10. Eliminate whatever the department of immigration is called. “The unions are afraid of people who really want to work instead of complaining about having safe working conditions and demanding above market wages. We need to open the borders to allow competition to drive a free market.”

11. Eliminate the Department of the Interior. “I got three words for this: drill baby drill”

12. Eliminate FEMA. “We can’t have the Democrats trying to raise taxes on the rich job creators the next time they start crying over what they say some people might need after a natural disaster.” And finally,

13. Eliminate the Department of the Constitution. “Communists hide behind it.”