CLASSIFIED

Help Wanted

Candidate – Established national political party seeks viable US born person, at least 35 years of age to run for high political office.  Need not have any leadership experience, but must believe in intelligent design rather than evolution, that tax increases to the wealthy are mortal sins, that Obama is a Kenyan born Muslim socialist who hates America, that liberals are part of Satan’s army, and that the most cherished of all American values are CEO bonuses. Homophobia a plus.  Knowledge of where Iowa and New Hampshire are is necessary. Can be from Texas but must know more than two federal agencies you would eliminate. Can be a philanderer, but must have control over trystees. Can have received $1.8 million for being a historian to a government agency who made bad loans, but you cannot be so condescending and mean that you make the Grinch Who Stole Christmas seem like Gandhi. Must be able to distinguish between the day Elvis was born and the day he died. Needed Immediately.  Flip-flopping Mormons pretending to be true conservatives need not apply.  Send fully vetted resume to HelpHelp2012 Committee, P. O. Drawer GOP, Washington, DC 20029.