Find A Lawyer
Find A Lawyer Counter


The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – The crowds may have been disbursed from the Occupy Wall Street site in New York and similar encampments in Los Angeles, Philadelphia and other cities, but those authorities who drove them out are not yet done. “These people are still occupying America,” said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, “and are capable of moving their subversive action anywhere inside the country. That’s why they must go.”

“We can’t allow these protestors to violate the Constitution by assembling and speaking freely,” said Ernie Winsocki, the Mayor of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania who ordered the removal Occupy Wilkes-Barre, “and besides, the protesters are smelly.”

Estimates are that authorities and special interest groups such as the newly formed This Land is My Land, This Land is Not Your Land, called Land” for short expect to deport about 150 million Americans to countries where their ancestors may have come from. “We can’t have a bunch of people get in the way of the normal order of things,” said David Koch, of Koch Industries and leader the Land group, “besides we don’t want this group of unemployed troublemakers get the idea that they can take away jobs from illegal aliens, who understand how to appreciate the gift of getting whatever wage the employer thinks is fair and not expecting any days off or safe working conditions.”

“We will be getting rid of all of those people who hate America, which includes 99% of the population,” said Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose actions to end collective bargaining sparked demonstrations that may have been the spark for the Occupy Wall Street movement. “While I appreciate what Governor Walker is trying to do,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein, “he does not belong to the 1% so he is going too.”

“I applaud the actions of this Land group of true Americans,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “and I have recommended that the first person they get rid of is the person who hates American the most, Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama. Did I forget to say Hussein?”

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

by R J Shulman

BALTIMORE – (PTSD News Service) – Frieda Peoples has emerged as the most recent woman to say that she has had an affair with embattled presidential candidate Herman Cain.  The Baltimore native announced that over a nine year period Cain wined and dined her at expensive hotels all over the world, but mostly had fresh pizzas delivered to her door, sometimes in person.

“I knew the man was married,” Peoples admitted, “but I just couldn’t keep my hands off his pepperoni.  Getting a slice of him was better than getting nothing.”  Peoples said she is coming out now to “get my piece of the publicity pie.”

“This high tech lynching is just the price I have to pay as a black Republican man in America,” Cain said, “and I am not going to be screwed and harassed out of  this campaign and will stay in it as long as my wife’s behind and those other women’s behinds are behind me.”  Cain concluded by saying, “any charges of fraud, kidnapping, armed robbery, rape or murder that may come up about me in the future are flat out false lies.”

Sunday, November 27, 2011

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - Fox News announced at 6:28 AM EST this morning that they have projected Newt Gingrich the official winner of the 2012 election and next president of the United States.  Fox shows that Gingrich received 286 votes to Obama's 252, identical to the 2004 Bush victory.

"How can Fox be projecting the election winner when not only is the vote nearly a year away, but it's before even one state has weighed in on the Republican primary?" said Democratic strategist James Carville.  "It's just like a sore loser Democrat to try and overturn the election on technicalities like waiting for people to actually vote," said Fox New President Roger Ailes."

Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform praised Fox for their announcement, saying that there will be thousands of taxpayer dollars saved that won't have to be wasted on supplying polling places and counting votes. 

CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN followed by declaring Gingrich the winner.  "We just didn't want to be scooped by more than an hour by FOX," said Les Moonves of CBS.

Gingrich thanked supporters and FOX for his victory stating the first order of business will be to overturn every progressive law passed starting with child labor laws.  "Nothing is off the table," Gingrich said, "not even anti-slavery laws."

Saturday, November 26, 2011

by R J Shulman

TRAVERSE CITY, Michigan - The last known true compassionate conservative, Frances X. Warren died today after a short illness.  Until recently, Warren, a life-long tart cherry farmer had been active in the Grand Traverse County Republican party and had once served in the Michigan House of representatives from 1959-1968 and as chairman of the Northern Michigan campaign manager of Gerald Ford's election campaign in 1976.  

"He was the last of his kind," said historian Michael G. Hastings, who knew Warren. "a dyed-in-the-wool Republican who cared about people.  Frank believed in the principals of conserving government or the people's resources as he called them."   Hastings said Warren was shocked and saddened by the GOP being taken over by the Strom Thurmond and Newt Gingrich types that he said we're 'so damn mean that they had Lincoln turning over in his hallowed grave.'"

"Besides Lincoln," Hastings said, "Frank's hero was Dwight D. Eisenhower, who he served under in World War II.  Frank agreed with Ike that the biggest threat to the American democracy was not Communism but the unchecked influence of the military industrial complex."

"Frank suffered a stroke after so-called compassionate conservative George W. Bush invaded Iraq, which reminded Frank of when Hitler invaded Poland," said Warren's longtime friend, Tim Cosgrove, "Frank had been doing better in recent years, but suddenly fell ill after watching Rick Perry say "oops" in the debate in which he couldn't remember the third government department he would disband if he were elected president."

Cosgrove, who was with his friend when he died said that Frank's last words were, "Hey, Abraham, can you believe what the heck has happened?"     

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON (PTSD News Service) – The eight Republican candidates who shared the stage at last night’s CNN debate focused on foreign policy and national security. Mitt Romney, who has either led or been in second place throughout the campaign took a step to stand out as being the strongest on foreign policy by saying, “If the US is not sending the rest of the world American Bombs or American jobs, it means the president has allowed our country to grow weak and vulnerable.”

Romney specifically attacked President Obama by adding,” In three years of the current administration, Obama has portrayed America as not only just another country with a flag, but he has turned our military French and gay.”

Romney also attacked Obama as “the mother of all flip-floppers when it come to policy in Afghanistan and Libya. “First, he didn’t listen to me when I said he shouldn’t send in troops in Afghanistan or support the rebels in Libya, and then he flip flopped when he agreed with me that Afghanistan needed American troops and our involvement in support of knocking out Moamar Gaddafi was a good thing to do.”

Romney concluded his comments on foreign policy by saying he would base his decisions on cold hard facts and not wild politically motivated unsubstantiated accusations like the ones perpetrated by that Kenyan born, American and Christian hating Muslim, Barak Hussein Obama.

Monday, November 21, 2011


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - A large chunk of Kryptonite has been found near the committee room where the so-called Super Committee of twelve members of Congress have unsuccessfully attempted to solve the nation’s deficit crises. “No wonder the Super Committee has been acting like they are a bunch of helpless weaklings,” said Warner Garrison, a political research analyst with Voterbloc, an Arlington, Virginia political think tank. Val Hart, Senior Executive Editor of the Political Post echoed the sentiment saying, “There is no way these grown men and women who were elected to be leaders could be this pitifully ineffective without some good explanation.”

The FBI has ordered a hazmat team to remove the toxic hunk of Kryptonite, which is about the size and shape of a human head, which bears a strange resemblance to Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform. Federal authorities believe the placement of the material was part of a terrorist plot. “We believe that enemies of America did this to help guarantee that the US economy will fail,” said Henry P. Winston, Jr.. a senior Pentagon spokesman. “Don’t look at me,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, when asked if he thought there was a conspiracy to harm America, “but if the economy tanks in the war to make Obama a one-term president, than even a complete collapse of the American economy would be an acceptable bit of collateral damage.”

Sunday, November 20, 2011

by R J Shulman

HAMDEN, Connecticut - (PTSD News Service) - According to a new Quinnipiac University poll, the number of students deciding on careers as historians has skyrocketed ever since former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich admitted he received $1.6 million dollars as historian to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  "History was almost dead as a career path for college students," said Amy Putnam a senior research analyst who helped conduct the poll, "but Newt Gingrich has singlehandedly resurrected an interest in the study of the past."

"Man, if I can pull down a million smackers for being a historian who tells money lenders not to make bad loans, I'm all into this historical stuff," said Cody Stoner, a sophomore at Reid College in Portland, Oregon, who switched his major to History from Hemp Studies. 

"I was a political science major," said Nancy Cottenworth, a junior at Dartmouth, "but just switched to history because not only does the term lobbyist have a bad connotation thanks to Occupy Wall Street, but Newt proved you can actually make more money as a historian consultant than as a generic lobbyist."

Others have regretted that they had not chosen to study history.  "If I had only chosen history instead of majoring in industrial design, I wouldn't be out of work," said Billy Partelli, a Stanford honors graduate, whose job was shipped to China.

"Once it becomes known  just how much Gingrich's firm has made as a historian consultants," Putman said, "not studying the past on college campuses will become history."

Monday, November 14, 2011

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise move, a conglomeration of nine large corporations including Koch Industries, GE, Exxon, Bank of America and Goldman Sachs has made a deal to purchase the entire United States Government for $480 billion. “We felt it was no longer cost effective to try and buy the votes of candidates we supported for federal office on a state by state basis,” said David Koch, Vice President of Koch Industries, “so we decided to buy the whole government including the three branches, its buildings, land holdings and the Constitution.”

Under the new arrangement, all former functions of the federal government will be handled by a single board of directors. “The congress and president could not agree on budget cuts, so they are both being cut, all of them and their entire staffs, not to mention all government agencies,” said Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE.

The new conglomerate, known as Big Brother, Inc in honor of the Koch brothers, plans to dismantle the government and sell it for parts overseas. “The Constitution will be sold to Libya, because they need a new one,” said Koch. “The right to vote will be sold to Afghanistan because democracy is still on the march there, and the Department of Defense will be sold to China because they can make our weapons cheaper to enable us to fight Communism more efficiently.” Other rights that are being sold are the right to assembly to Syria to stop the government from mistreating protestors, the right to a free press to Rupert Murdock’s Newscorp, the right to free speech to a group led by Rush Limbaugh and the right to freedom of religion to a group of TV evangelical Christian fundamentalists from Texas.

Big Brother hopes to pay for some of the deficit from these sales, but any amount still owed will be paid for by the American people, who, they point out voted in the big spenders. Any new profits will be kept by the conglomerate.

“The American people will be glad to know that Big Brother will eliminate all taxes and replace them with certain fees which will be set up by the Bank of America division,” said Rex W. Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil. “With these bold new changes,” Tillerson said, “we can prove once and for all that the private sector can do everything better than government.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

by R J Shulman

WILMINGTON, Delaware - (PTSD News Service)  Having failed in Mississippi to pass a law that would define personhood at conception, Personhood, USA has introduced a new bill that would declare that corporatehood begins at fertilization.  "We made the mistake of thinking that life was the most precious of all values in America," said Raymond Charles, a Personhood spokesperson, "but the holy of most holies is the corporation."

Personhood believes this bill is the best way to protect the unborn as lawmakers and the US Supreme Court have fiercely protected corporations' rights above all others. "And what better state to get it passed first than corporate friendly Delaware," Charles said.

"I am excitedly watching this bill in Delaware," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "because I think Republicans will be on the right side of this issue because in this economic climate, who wants to abort the job creators?"  "This is indeed a win-win for Republicans," echoed House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, "it reunites the religious right with the corporatists in the GOP."

Wall Street has weighed in as friendly to the bill because as one financial analyst at Goldman Sachs said, "we can now turn an ordinary bundle of joy into a bundle of derivatives."

GOP Presidential candidates have weighed in on the bill.  Mitt Romney was against the bill, then for it saying, "Zygotes are people, my friends."  Herman Cain said the real issue was than none of these fetus corporations were his, saying "I never met any of those women."  Perry said there were three reasons he supported the bill, "It is good for commerce, health and I can't remember the third, oops."

Not everyone has weighed in favorably on the bill.  Warren Buffet warned that with it being cheaper to have a baby in China and India, most women may off-shore their births causing a loss to the American population.  "Who cares," said David Koch of Koch Industries, "if the 99%ers become the 89%ers."

Thursday, November 10, 2011


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Texas Governor Rick Perry committed the mother of all gaffs last night on the CNBC debate when he was unable to name the third federal agency he would dismantle if he were elected president. Perry offered up the first two, the Departments of Education and Commerce (unnecessary - as in who needs educated people succeeding in commerce?) but stumbled when he tried to name the third.

While most poltical pundits attributed Perry’s oops moment to a memory lapse, we have learned that Perry’s stumbling was not due to a loss for words but due to a loss of courage. Perry’s real plans for a shake-up of the executive branch are so drastic that he was unable to admit it on national TV. We have obtained a secret list of the changes Perry would make if her were president and his notes on why he would do so. Perry would:

1. Change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of Offense. “I’ve watched enough Cowboy losses to know that you have to score more points than the other guys.”

2. Eliminate the Department of Justice. “Justice can get in the way of a good execution.”

3. Eliminate the EEOC. “A fellah should be able to hunt at the camp of his choice no matter what it may be called.”

4. Eliminate the EPA. “Who needs government red tape polluting up the rights of business to make a profit.”

5. Eliminate Congress. “Who needs government red tape polluting up the rights of business to make a profit.”

6. Change the name of the Department of Energy to the Department of Oil and Gas. “We don’t want the communists who are trying to create so-called alternative energy to think they have been invited to the party.”

7. Eliminate the FAA. “We need to let the invisible hand of the free market of the air handle traffic control without government interference.”

8. Eliminate the Department of Labor. “All the jobs have moved to China and India”

9. Eliminate the Department of Transportation. “If a guy who owns trucks can make more of a profit by not having to make sure his trucks have good brakes, why should the government be allowed to interfere with his bottom line?”

10. Eliminate whatever the department of immigration is called. “The unions are afraid of people who really want to work instead of complaining about having safe working conditions and demanding above market wages. We need to open the borders to allow competition to drive a free market.”

11. Eliminate the Department of the Interior. “I got three words for this: drill baby drill”

12. Eliminate FEMA. “We can’t have the Democrats trying to raise taxes on the rich job creators the next time they start crying over what they say some people might need after a natural disaster.” And finally,

13. Eliminate the Department of the Constitution. “Communists hide behind it.”

Monday, November 07, 2011


By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - President Obama announced today that he has asked Herman Cain to teach him how to successfully act AWB (Angry While Black – not to be confused with the Average White Band that was popular in the 80’s) and still keep the support of a mostly white political party base. “I have been using the Rodney King-why-can’t-we al- just-get-along approach for so long,” Obama said, “that if I ever had any angry roots in me, they have all fallen out.” Obama praised Cain for “being able to basically tell nosy reporters to “shut the f**k up, when they asked him questions about alleged sexual harassment charges.”

Harold Stebbins, a White House Aide commented that if Obama could just get in touch with his inner angry black man, "to raise some Cain" so to speak, he could easily stop the Republicans in Congress from pushing him around like they were some schoolyard bullies about to take his lunch money.

Cain did not rule out giving pointers to the President, but said he would have to decline for the foreseeable future because, “some sweet young things have just joined my campaign staff and I’ll need to see if I can personally find jobs for them. However,” Cain continued, “if Obama would just follow my 9-9-9 plan, he’ll be OK – that’s 9 denials for every charge against him, accusing 9 others every time he is blamed for something and to get as angry as any 9 men would who have suffered over 900 years of oppression, then I think he could put the “bomb” back in Obama.”

Thursday, November 03, 2011

by R J Shulman

HERNDON, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – The Cain campaign once again defended their candidate against the sexual harassment allegations that threaten to derail his bid for the White House. “Once you hear his side of the story,” said Willis Blair, a Cain campaign manager, who introduced Cain to an audience in Virginia, “you will understand that the charges against him are completely baseless.”

Cain began his speech with an explanation of the charges that have dominated the headlines. “When I mentioned beaver to that woman at the meeting, the bitch took it the wrong way. I simply was referring to the fact that we were contemplating using beaver meat as one of our pizza toppings, and when I was talking about honkers, I meant those drivers who lean on their horn too much and when I was talking about a large pair of hooters I meant the two big owls that were in the tree outside the window and when I mentioned big headlights I meant the ones we use on our large delivery trucks.”

Cain told the crowd that he didn’t recall that any settlement money was paid to settle charges of his sexual harassment. “I was under the impression that the payouts were to Godfather’s employees injured on the job due to our numerous health and safety violations.”

Blair said that Cain’s explanation should put the charges to rest and help bring back the trust of the American people in Herman Cain.