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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained portion of a secret Handbook sent to loyal Republicans regarding what they should do at town hall meetings set up to discuss health care. The following are excerpts from the book entitled: Taking My Country Back from Those People:

Chapter One: Fail to the Chief

As you know, job one for the true patriot is to do whatever is necessary to make Obama fail. Whatever he is in favor of, you know is just his sick subversive plan to take away your guns, have illegal aliens take over your house, and grant abortions on demand to legally married gays.

(You will notice we don't call him President because as you all know, he imported dozens of thugs from Kenya where he was born a Muslim, to rig the last election which he stole from our real president, Sarah Palin). So, since Obama is in favor of health care reform, you have to be against it. Ignore all the American hating liberals who tell lies that there is anything wrong with our health care system. Remember, if you don't have health care or your health insurance plan has just said they won't pay for your illness, it's only because you haven't been praying enough. So keep shouting "we're number one, we're number one," to let them all understand that you are smart enough to know America has the greatest health care in the world. Alternative uplifting pro-life slogans to shout are, "Death to Health Care" "I'd rather die than be suck with socialized medicine" and "Health care Reform: DOA."

Chapter Five: Know your Rights!

When those Christ killers who own the media start to tell you that bringing guns and shouting down any discussion on health care is wrong, just tell them you are exercising your First and Second Amendment Rights. Having the God-given right to Shouting and waving guns are all you need to know about your rights. The other stuff in the bill of rights is communist propaganda. When Sarah Palin takes her proper place as our real president, she will abolish the useless Third through Tenth Amendment to the Constitution and replace them with the Ten Commandments.

Chapter Eleven: Questions to Ask your Representatives

If the shouting fails because you run out of slogans or your voice gives out, here are some questions to ask your Senator or Representative if you are forced to actually have a conversation on the issues of health care.

1. [Senator/Representative] Please explain whether Obama's plan would make us kill our grandmothers with poison or with a knife?

2. Was it three or four years that we would have to wait for a doctor for an emergency and will it be Pakistani or Iranian doctors we would get stuck with?

3. Should I get a fake ID that shows I am an illegal alien because they are the only ones who will get health care?

And if you are lucky enough to go to a town hall meeting hosted by Obama himself, ask him:

1. Could you please tell me, Mr. Obama, just when did you stop beating your wife?

The Post Times Sun Dispatch will provide more of this handbook as soon as we can decipher more of it as this copy was severely stained with cheap whiskey and had a bullet hole where the owner accidentally shot himself in the pocket with the handbook still in it.
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Thursday, August 27, 2009


by R J Shulman

SALT LAKE CITY - (PTSD News) - Forty years after three days of mud and music changed the world forever, there are still non-believers. Hal Jenkins, author of The First Guy to Moonwalk was Named Jackson Not Armstrong, which claimed the moon landing never happened has a new book, Purple Hoax: The Faking of Woodstock about how practically no one showed up for the real Woodstock. "The only people who came for those so called three days of peace, love and music were three stoned out hippie draft dodgers headed for Canada who took a wrong turn at Poughkeepsie," Jenkins says, "The festival we've all come to know was nothing more than a vast left-wing conspiracy that created Woodstock out of whole cloth in a secret sound studio in Liberty, New York to promote left wing Communism, the record industry and the PGA, not the golfers, but the Pot Growers of America."

Jenkins says if you look at the footage of Woodstock carefully, you can see the use of mirrors that turn about 30 hired actors who played hippies into half a million freaks. "Those pinko long hairs all looked alike back then, so it was easy to pull off," Jenkins says. The author claims that TV coverage shows the same five rented VW buses again and again on the New York Thruway. "It's easy to see that there were only five different patterns of peace signs and flowers painted on those vehicles."

Jenkins claims he talked to several of the actors hired by the cabal of record companies, pot growers and left wing groups. "Charles James Montgomery III, who went by the name "Groovy" in the fake Woodstock," Jenkins says, "told me he can remember everything about the sixties like it was yesterday including the fake concert which proves he was not a drugged out hippie. He assured me he didn't take the bad brown acid."

"The whole thing was staged like a movie," Jenkins writes, "heck, it was a movie." Jenkins points out that Columbia and Warner Brothers Records' investment in the Woodstock hoax paid off as no one knew Santana until Woodstock and after the concert Hendrix became a legend.

The lefties wanted Nixon to fail and for the US to lose the Viet Nam war, the book claims, and what better way to promote rebellion than to fill kids heads with the devil's music and the promise of endless sex, Jenkins writes.

The book contains an interview with former President Bill Clinton, who says he attended the fake Woodstock and admits he put the brown acid to his lips but didn't consume it. Jenkins spoke with Dick Cheney who surprisingly, also attended the bogus Woodstock. "I hated the subversive noise they called music at that charade concert those lefties put together," Cheney says in the book, "I was there as a spy for President Nixon and all I can say is sometimes you have to do a little brown acid to go to the dark side to protect America from its children."

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh told his listeners today that Senator Ted Kennedy deliberately died of brain cancer because Obama's health care reform was about to hit the skids and nothing short of a big publicity stunt could get it back on track. "Practically all Americans have realized they didn't want Obama's plan of communist health care rationing like they had in Nazi Germany," Limbaugh said. "So in a move of desperation, Kennedy played the ultimate sympathy card to sucker some people back into voting for health care."

"Everyone knows Kennedy said he was going to reform health care if it was the last thing he did and now he's trying to make that come true," Limbaugh said. Limbaugh predicted it wouldn't work because the American people are smart enough to know the truth that Kennedy was behind that commie Kenyan born president's big government health care takeover plan that would have federal bureaucrats deciding when people would live or die, give health care only to illegal aliens who couldn't speak English, force women to have abortions, triple health care premiums, and take away everyone's guns.

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Monday, August 24, 2009

by R J Shulman
BUNKER SPRINGS, Wyoming - (PTSD News) - Former Vice President Dick Cheney lashed out at those that assert he used enhanced interrogation to force former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge to increase terror alerts right before important elections. "That little snitch popped it up to orange alert without needing persuasion," Cheney said, "although he did scream like a little girl when I showed him that Photoshopped picture of him and Larry Craig in Minneapolis."

Ridge has claimed in his new book that the White House pressured him into raising terror alert levels before elections to help the Republicans.

Former President Bush confirmed Cheney's account. "I remembered to recall that Dick was disappointicated he didn't get to use a waterboard or that custom made spring loaded electric porcupine on Ridge," Bush said. "Dick told me that after he showed the photo of that airport bathroom stall to ol' Tom, Ridge broke down faster than a used Yugo."

"I can't believe how stupid those Democrats are," said Karl Rove who had advised the Bush White House to use the terror alerts for political gain, "they have this great chance to go to level orange to scare the country into their socialized medicine and all they talk about is being green."

Democratic Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio has asked for a special prosecutor to look into the use of phony photos to interrogate political enemies. However, Ron Koehler, a spokesperson for the president says Obama is not interested in looking backwards to see whether or not Ridge cried like a baby. "But rather," Koehler said, "the president plans to move forward, because the American people are interested in terror alert changes they can believe in.

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Saturday, August 22, 2009

By R J Shulman

CRAWFORD, Texas – (PTSD News) – Former President George W. Bush criticized President Obama for taking a vacation when the country was in crisis. “How could the leader of the free world daricate to vacationize when the country is in a heck of a mess with communists trying to take over the health of Americans,” Bush told reporters who were invited to a barbeque at his ranch. “If I was so reckless about the insecurity of our country when I was the decider, we could have been attacked on our homeland ground by those enemies who were against us.”

“Bush has really got something there about how bad it is that Obama is taking a vacation,” said Glenn Beck who attended the party, “it proves just how lazy those people are.” “Obama was invited to this picnic but was too much of a racist to hang out with us white people,” said Bill O’Reilly, “too bad though, because he is sure missing some fine watermelon.”

“I can’t believe that Bush has complained about President Obama finally taking a well deserved vacation,” said White House spokesperson Rob Stengel, “after all, Bush’s idea of work was that it was a vacation from a vacation.”

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Due to the ferocious opposition to government run health care, President Obama has not only abandoned the public option, but will push for an end to all government involvement in health care, including Medicare. "The people have spoken, shouted actually, that they want government out of health care," Obama told a cheering crowd in downtown Salt Lake City. "That Kenyan who is president finally got the message to keep the government hands off of my medicare," said Bud Wing, of Provo, Utah. "I just can't wait until it's run by CIGNA Heath Insurance."

"The grass roots effort we paid for has really paid off," said Fletcher Montclair III, a senior executive at UnitedHealthCare, "It's amazing how many people we along with Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck got to protest against their own best interests just to make sure no insurance CEO misses a single bonus."

"The president's abandonment of health care reform is a win-win situation for me," said talk show host and GOP Party Chairman Rush Limbaugh. "Not only does this mean Obama has failed, but it marks the end of his health care plan to cover illegal aliens who would be getting my supply of oxycontin which would be terrible unless, of course, it's an illegal alien fetching my supply of oxycontin."

The raucous town hall protests may have a further effect on what programs the government will terminate. Reliable sources close to the president say Obama may begin to "unsocialize" America by privatizing the military, the IRS, the Veterans Administration and Social Security. In fact, the unnamed source told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, that "Obama plans to disband congress and replace them with a board of directors of experienced leaders from the private sector because as we all know, the private sector can always run things better than the government can." The first board will consist of executives from GM, AIG, Lehman Brothers, Countrywide Mortgage and will be chaired by Bernie Madoff.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

by R J Shulman

TYLER, Texas - (PTSD News) - A 37 year-old man was taken into custody by local police for protesting at an Obama health care town hall meeting without bringing his gun. Donald Lake of nearby Greenville was arrested under a Texas law which requires anyone protesting a president who didn't carry the state of Texas to bring their firearms to the rally.

In addition, Lake was charged with failure to support the Second Amendment when he showed up to the meeting empty handed. "We got this guy dead to rights," said Sgt. Billy Jim Hoggens of the Tyler Police Department, "the nerve of him to leave his guns at home. He might hate America as much as Obama."

"I was not protesting," protested Lake who told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, "I came into town to buy some pet chow for my bulldog, Mr. Happy. I got caught up in the frantic crowd where this guy said he couldn't get health insurance and wanted to make sure the government kept its hands off of health care reform and the next thing I know I was in handcuffs."

The Post Times Sun Dispatch learned this wasn't Lake's first brush with the law. In 2004, he was arrested near a rally for George W. Bush because his dog's collar had a peace sign on it. "Mr. Happy may look tough," Lake said, "but he is a sweet peaceful dog and the collar with the peace signs on it was his favorite."

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Monday, August 17, 2009

by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - A new CBS News/New York Times Poll shows that more Americans are aware of what killed Michael Jackson than what is killing health care in this country. "I don't know much about this here socialized medicine stuff that them liberal traitors are trying to shove down our throats where us Americans would have to wait in line for a Canadian doctor who speaks Canadian instead of English," said Biff Hargreaves of Buckhannon, West Virginia, "all I know is I agin it. On the other hand," Hargreaves continued, "I think MJ's doctor violated medical laws by prescribing too much Diprivan." Another typical comment came from Bessie Worth of Signal Hill, Tennessee who said, "I think any health reform by that colored fellah in the White House will not give us no choice of doctors, however I strongly attest to the belief that Michael's children should get to choose who they want to live with, after all, the law should be decided in the best interest of the kids."

The poll, conducted last week, shows that only 3.7% of Americans have any idea about the real issues in the health care debate, while quite the reverse, 96.9% of Americans either had a strong opinion about Michael Jackson or recently purchased as CD or magazine about him.

"I believe everything that Rush and Sean and Glenn and that Savage guy says about Obama trying to take away our health care and give it to them illegal aliens," said Chester Lovell of Magee, Mississippi, "but what about all those people who took away poor Michael's dignity by not understanding his tender soul."

A bill in Congress to substitute the image of Michael Jackson for that of Andrew Jackson on the twenty dollar bill is expected to pass through Congress as early as this Friday.

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Friday, August 14, 2009

by R J Shulman
BUNKER HILL, Wyoming - (PTSD News) - Once a fierce opponent to health care reform, former Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise announcement that he now fully supports President Obama's vision of health care. "When I learned that under Obama's health care bill there was going to be a death panel," Cheney said, "I realized the president had finally gotten it right. In fact," Cheney continued, "after researching candidates to head the panel, I have nominated myself to be the death panel chairman." Cheney said when it comes to experience, who better than he to go the the dark side if necessary to carry out the elimination of unnecessary people.

Cheney explained there would be huge savings to health care if old people were eliminated. "So much of our American tax dollars are wasted on the elderly who are going to die soon anyway," Cheney said. "I just can't wait to start passing judgment on some of those aging Woodstock hippies." In another cost cutting move, Cheney said he would donate his collection of waterboards and other enhanced interrogation equipment. "These devices help give meaning to the last few moments of a person's life. Meaning to me, of course."

The president has also received applications for service on the death panel from Dr. Kavorkian, Kim Jong Il, Mahmoud Amadinejad, former President George W. Bush, and Sarah Palin who expressed interest in shooting old people from helicopters. President Obama has tried to tell people at town meetings that there will be no death panels, but has been consistently been drowned out by shouting protesters.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

by R J Shulman
LEBANON, Pennsylvania - (PTSD News) - Lance Philpott got a surprise at his doctor's office when he was told treatment of his red inflamed larynx was not covered by his HMO. "I got caught up in all that yelling at Senator Specter at that town hall meeting on health care," Philpott said. "I came down with this painful sore throat. Now they tell me I'm not covered," Philpott told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, still holding his protest sign which read, "Health care is not a right."

Philpott is not alone. The number of throat related problems has skyrocketed ever since the loud vocal protests began at various town hall meetings about health care. "One minute I'm shouting, 'it's your own fault if you get sick,' and then my voice gives out," said Fern Biggins in a hoarse whisper. Biggins of Hamtramck, Michigan said she would sell her house if she could to pay for the throat operation she needs to repair her damaged voice box. Biggins' operation was not covered by UnitedHealthCare who had hired her to attend the town hall meetings.

Insurance companies have routinely turned down requests for treatment of throat related medical problems caused by too much yelling at town hall meetings. "Those people all have pre-existing conditions when it comes to throat problems," said Salvatore Hemphill, a senior vice president at CIGNA Health Insurance, who has rejected over 1150 such claims. "Those are people we hired to protest at those meetings because we knew they were real loudmouths and had a history of yelling at their spouses, hollering at their children and shouting at drivers who cut them off on the highway," Hemphill said. "So why should we reward them for their bad behavior, except the twenty dollars per town hall we give them. If we had to pay for their throat problems it would cut into our bottom line and a CEO might have to take a smaller bonus, and we just can't have that."

Undeterred, Randy Stump of Bristol, Virginia, who lost his voice after participating in just one town hall meeting, wrote on a piece of paper that was going to attend a town hall in Frederick, Maryland and proudly wave a sign that says, "Adolf Obama wants to take away your voice."

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Those angry voices shouting out slogans against health care reform at town hall meetings come from a group that is actually grateful as thanks to the Insurance lobby, they have recently left the ranks of the unemployed. "I'm supposed to yell stuff like 'Obama's healtscare reform wouldn't even work in Kenya where Obama was born,'" said Cliff Fegelmeyer of Easton, Pennsylvania. Fefelmeyer was recently hired by UnitedHealthCare after being laid off by an auto parts maker last September. United, CIGNA and the Republican National Committee have hired an estimated 5,500 unemployed thugs, bullies and emotionally challenged people to swarm into town hall meetings to shout down any intelligent discussion on the issues.

"I kind of liked Obama," said Hennie Reece of Tarboro, North Carolina, "but he didn't get me a job, CIGNA did. I get travel expenses to go to the meetings and say bad things about health care reform." "I've been out of work since 2000 when the Republicans paid me to yell at them vote counters who were trying to have Al Gore steal the election from a real American, George Bush," said Bull Casey of Elkhart, Indiana. "So it was great when they called me back and told me to go to a meeting and call Obama a Communist Nazi leftist fascist."

Thug unemployment had topped the 10% mark in late May, a little above the national average. Due to the sudden hiring frenzy by big insurance and the GOP, the unemployment level for thugs has dropped to 6.3%. "It' a thugs life for me," said Billy Singleton of Laurel, Deleware. Singleton had just returned from a town hall meeting in Lebanon, Pennsylvania where he held a sign that said, "Obama will kill your grandmother, so he can give health care to Spanish speaking Muslim terrorist illegal alien rapists."

When asked what he really thought about health care reform, Jerold Hart of Mariana, Florida said "I don't have to worry about it anymore, now that my new employer UnitedHealthCare gave me some good health insurance benefits."

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Monday, August 10, 2009

by R J Shulman
BETHESDA, Maryland - (PTSD News) - Two heath insurance giants announced the winners of their "Scare Health Care Reform to Death" contest. Starting last March, United Healthcare and Cigna Health Insurance joined forces to create a contest that would award prizes to American citizens who came up with the scariest talking points against health care reform, slogans that would most likely turn public opinion against any changes to the current system. Truth was not a requirement, in fact it was discouraged as being a severe block to the creative process.

"We had to distract the public from the fact that a whopping portion of America's wealth has been flowing into a few big insurance and pharmaceutical companies," said Stephen Hemsley CEO of United Healthcare. "We especially wanted to keep them from finding out about my bonus, my salary and my stock options, said Ed Hanway, CEO of Signa, "and since big government prohibits us from feeding Muslims to the lions, what better way to keep people's eyes off the ball with a fun contest." The response has been decent, according to Cigna, if a bit derivative. "About 95% of the entries said, 'it costs too much tax payer money' and included a tea bag," said Hanway.

The winners are:

Fifth place, winning an "I killed health care reform" button was Frank Pharr of Henderson, North Carolina who entered, "Kiss your granny good-bye before Obama's plan does."

Fourth place went to Floydene Spangler of Big Spring, Texas who won an picture of Hanway's $134 million dollar mansion on the Jersey shore. She entered, "Obama's heath care plan will force you to give up your kidney to a Chinaman."

Third place was won by Scott Lee Priestly of King-of-Prussia, Pennsylvania who said "Before you can get any health care in Obama's plan, you will have to convert to being an A-Rab Muslim." Scott will receive $5 dollars off his $1500 deductible on his health plan, but must cash it in before he gets canceled due to having a serious illness.

Second place was captured by Paul Pope, of Tooele, Utah who won a chance to have one preexisting condition excused before he was canceled, unless the illness cost more that $3,500. Paul sent in a talking point that said, "Obama's health care plan will force your wife, girlfriend or daughter to be sold into slavery in Kenya."

The grand prize went to Loulene Swift of Paradise Valley, Arizona who said, "Obama's health care plan will ration health care so only illegal gay immigrants will get to see a doctor, and these same gay illegals will be awarded your house and your guns." Ms. Swift won a free pass not to have to wait in the doctor's big waiting room before she is asked to wait in the doctor's small room. In other words, she gets to go directly to the small room to wait.

The contest seems to be working as the support for health care reform has been steadily falling.

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Sunday, August 09, 2009

by R J Shulman
LONDON - (PTSD News) - Fresh on the heels of the news that pitchman Billy Mays autopsy showed his death was caused by significant levels of cocaine comes the surprising finding that 111 year-old Harry Patch, Britain's last surviving veteran of WWI had high levels of cocaine in his system. "I thought the bugger had kicked the habit," said Ferdie Comstock,103,a long time friend of Patch. "There goes our plans for a bang-up 112 year birthday party for Harry."

"Cocaine, shmocaine," said 98 year-old Alistair Goldstein, who shared a room with Patch, "I think what got him was the three packs a day of unfiltered fags the old boy smoked, not to mention that he liked to eat red meat, the fat especially, you know." "Balderdash," said Sadie Carstairs, Patch's 101 year old former girlfriend, "the bloke never washed his hands after he went to the loo, disgusting habit."

Queen Elizabeth gave her condolences saying, "We must never forget all the sacrifices made by our young men during the Great War. I hear that Harry Patch gave up opium to fight for Britain."

Rumors that Patch liked to play Russian Roulette every night before bed could not be confirmed although it was widely known he liked to go swimming right after a big meal.

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Friday, August 07, 2009

by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Following the unprecedented success of the Cash for Clunkers program, President Obama announced he has set aside $2 billion for a new stimulus plan called Cash for Klanners. The program will give a monetary allowance to the wife or girlfriend of a Ku Klux Klan member if she turns him in to authorities.

"This $4,500 cash allowance can be used by the woman to purchase something she needs, including finding a new place to live," said Maureen Johnston, a White House spokesperson. "It's a way for a woman to trade in the old dog for a new life, hopefully with a man who loves her more than he loves Dale Earnhardt." "This program also gets rid of the high pollution footprint of men who litter the house with dirty socks, smelly underwear and empty beer cans," said Darlene Haist of the EPA.

"I traded in lazy ol' Earle for a new handbag and a hot tub," said Lulene Pickens of St. Charles, Louisiana. "Now that's a change I can live with." "I got rid of two dinosaurs last week," said Suelene Crowley of Huntsville, Alabama. "First, I got rid of that clunky Jeep Cherokee 4X4 and then I got rid of that loser hubby who bought the damn thing."

"This program is an outrage," said Lester Grimes of Muleshoe, Texas, whose wife Farlene traded him in for a big screen TV. "Cash for Klanners is nothing more than an Obama Communist plot to get rid of gay fearing, God hating people like me. Oops, I think I said that wrong." "I can't believe this has happened to America," said Dwayne Hitchings of Meridian, Mississippi. "I didn't even know that my two timing wife, Pearlene done double crossed me until I asked for a beer and two feds showed up to haul me off."

Projections show that the two billion will be gone by next Tuesday. "Who knew there were so many women out there who want to get rid of that Fox News watching, immigrant hating, Bible toting, Gun thumping, big oaf, jack hole moron that they've been stuck with," said Pauline Geiser, a federal budget analyst. "I guess this program is the best thing to happen to us women since we got the right to wear comfortable shoes."

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Thursday, August 06, 2009

by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In a move that caught even Washington insiders by surprise, the Senate accepted and confirmed the last minute substitution of Paula Abdul for Sonia Sotomayor as President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. "When Ms. Abdul became available after leaving American Idol," the president said, "I realized she would be someone that both Republicans and Democrats could agree on in a more bi-partisan manner than with Ms. Sotomayor."

"Polls show that more Americans are familiar with and more comfortable with judging done by Abdul than Sotomayor," said pundit Wilson Grommet. "I was going to vote no on Sonia," said Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, "but voted yes for Paula because she didn't say anything about being a wise Latina. Heck, there is nothing wise at all about Paula Abdul." "The Supreme Court has been so crazy lately," said Yale Law Professor Clayton Spudmeister, "that the addition of Ms. Abdul will make no difference in the Court's makeup."

In an ironic turn of events, Sotomayor will replace Abdul on the next season of American Idol. "I feel honored and relieved to be chosen to be able to pass judgment on who should be legally allowed to continue to sing," Sotomayor said, "because as a wise Latina, I know what's good to dance to."

When Abdul was asked about her position on guns, she said, "I prefer the missionary position." She also opined that a woman has a right to choose to have an abortion, but only if the woman is not pregnant." "Now that Paula Abdul is a woman with a brilliant mind," said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. "It takes one intellectual giant to spot another," said Fox's Sean Hannity.

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