AUTOPSY OF LAST WWI VET SHOWS COCAINE CAUSE OF DEATH
by R J Shulman
LONDON - (PTSD News) - Fresh on the heels of the news that pitchman Billy Mays autopsy showed his death was caused by significant levels of cocaine comes the surprising finding that 111 year-old Harry Patch, Britain's last surviving veteran of WWI had high levels of cocaine in his system. "I thought the bugger had kicked the habit," said Ferdie Comstock,103,a long time friend of Patch. "There goes our plans for a bang-up 112 year birthday party for Harry."

"Cocaine, shmocaine," said 98 year-old Alistair Goldstein, who shared a room with Patch, "I think what got him was the three packs a day of unfiltered fags the old boy smoked, not to mention that he liked to eat red meat, the fat especially, you know." "Balderdash," said Sadie Carstairs, Patch's 101 year old former girlfriend, "the bloke never washed his hands after he went to the loo, disgusting habit."

Queen Elizabeth gave her condolences saying, "We must never forget all the sacrifices made by our young men during the Great War. I hear that Harry Patch gave up opium to fight for Britain."

Rumors that Patch liked to play Russian Roulette every night before bed could not be confirmed although it was widely known he liked to go swimming right after a big meal.

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