BIN LADEN OPPOSES US HEALTH CARE REFORM
by R J Shulman
ISLAMACAVE, Pakistan (PTSD News) Osama Bin Laden has apparently been monitoring the health care debate that is raging in the US and has issued a new audiotape asking his followers to call American congressmen to urge them to kill any health care reform.

"Brothers and Sisters of Islam," the tape begins, "when I learned that more than 22,000 Americans die each year because they have no health insurance, I rejoice in the name of our God. That's the same amount of dead Americans as five 9-11s, without us having to waste time and money on training our martyrs. In fact, our brothers don't have to be martyrs, they just have to get jobs as lobbyists with big pharma and the insurance companies."

The next section of the tape was partially inaudible, but expert translators believe Bin Laden said something about the present US health care system not being a problem for world leaders and international terrorists who want to take advantage of it because, "unlike those poor American working stiffs who can't afford health insurance, buying my dialysis machine was as easy as Paris Hilton."

The tape ends with Bin Laden saying that if his followers can help America stay stuck in its current greedy for-profit health care system, soon all of its wealth will be sucked into the pockets of insurance companies and drug makers who will become too big to fail. "And then the American Evil Empire's economy will crumble like so much stale goat cheese."

Authorities have confirmed the voice on the tape is that of Bin Laden. However, Fox's Bill O'Reilly said he had his own experts translate the tape in a more fair and balanced manner and that Bin Laden keeps repeating, "Thank Allah that our operative, Al "Qaeda" Frankin is now in the Senate." Talk show host Glenn Beck announced that his translation is that Bin Laden had urged his "Islamofascists" to call his show and make him so mad he'd have to scream for the callers to "Get off my phone" in such a manner as to make Beck sound like a stuck pig. In another translation, Rush Limbaugh claimed the tape said," I am Osama Bin Laden and because Barak Obama hates America even more than I do, I don't want Obama to fail."

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