OBAMA UNVEILS NEW STIMULUS PROGRAM: CASH FOR KLANNERS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Following the unprecedented success of the Cash for Clunkers program, President Obama announced he has set aside $2 billion for a new stimulus plan called Cash for Klanners. The program will give a monetary allowance to the wife or girlfriend of a Ku Klux Klan member if she turns him in to authorities.

"This $4,500 cash allowance can be used by the woman to purchase something she needs, including finding a new place to live," said Maureen Johnston, a White House spokesperson. "It's a way for a woman to trade in the old dog for a new life, hopefully with a man who loves her more than he loves Dale Earnhardt." "This program also gets rid of the high pollution footprint of men who litter the house with dirty socks, smelly underwear and empty beer cans," said Darlene Haist of the EPA.

"I traded in lazy ol' Earle for a new handbag and a hot tub," said Lulene Pickens of St. Charles, Louisiana. "Now that's a change I can live with." "I got rid of two dinosaurs last week," said Suelene Crowley of Huntsville, Alabama. "First, I got rid of that clunky Jeep Cherokee 4X4 and then I got rid of that loser hubby who bought the damn thing."

"This program is an outrage," said Lester Grimes of Muleshoe, Texas, whose wife Farlene traded him in for a big screen TV. "Cash for Klanners is nothing more than an Obama Communist plot to get rid of gay fearing, God hating people like me. Oops, I think I said that wrong." "I can't believe this has happened to America," said Dwayne Hitchings of Meridian, Mississippi. "I didn't even know that my two timing wife, Pearlene done double crossed me until I asked for a beer and two feds showed up to haul me off."

Projections show that the two billion will be gone by next Tuesday. "Who knew there were so many women out there who want to get rid of that Fox News watching, immigrant hating, Bible toting, Gun thumping, big oaf, jack hole moron that they've been stuck with," said Pauline Geiser, a federal budget analyst. "I guess this program is the best thing to happen to us women since we got the right to wear comfortable shoes."

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