CLOSET SALES UP SHARPLY IN INDIANA AS ANTI-GAY LEGISLATION BECOMES LAW

by R J Shulman

INDIANAPOLIS – (PTSD News Service) – Within days of Governor Mike Pence singing the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, home builders have been deluged with orders for constructing closets. “I have never seen anything like it,” said Mike Short, Senior Sales Director of Indiana Closets of Muncie. “This new law has put so much fear in some folks that they want these closets built right away and in some cases a closet within a closet to protect them, so that if they accidentally come out of one closet there is a second one to protect them.  What is interesting to me,” Short said, “is that those that are the most frantic to be closet safe seem to be conservative religious Republicans who supported this law.”

Governor Pence has been insisting that the law is not anti-gay and has asked for a fix to it. “There is a misconception fostered by all the gays who control the press that the law allows a person to use discrimination to refuse service to a gay person,” Pence said, “when the law clearly states that it allows a person to use religious freedom to refuse service to a gay person and that is a huge difference.”

Other Hoosiers are more openly gay hating and show their support for the bill.  “This law lets everybody know that Indiana is a red state not a pink one,” said Duke Ripley of Fort Wayne.  “Thanks to this law that outlaws gays on religious grounds, now when I go to a Colts game, I don’t have to worry about some stallion in a seat behind me trying to get funny with me,” said Frank Whorley of Hobart.  Rolf Quincy of Columbia supports the law, saying “I am staunchly not gay, and now there is finally a law that protects me from every Dick who thinks they can sneak up behind me and give me the big juicy shaft just because their parents spared the rod instead of giving them stiff punishment which turned them into men that are obsessed with gloriously large members.”

“My religion says that Democrats and liberals are tools of the devil,” said Bryce Grebbel who owns a lunch counter in Hammond, “and since all blacks vote Democratic, thanks to all the religious freedom I now have by law, I don’t have to serve those kind lunch no more, not on racial grounds which is still outlawed, but on religious grounds that Democrats are against my religion.”

While Governor Pence has been trying to back track on the law due to the pressure from businesses that have pledged to boycott the state, others say they should just wait it out. “While we may lose some lefty national business and find it hard to get a decent hair style,” said Paulie Eddy, a business consultant for the Governor, “not only has the closet business been booming, but we will be able cultivate new businesses such as ones that sell tests to detect who is gay and those new businesses that will make pink patched for those to wear who fail or should I say pass the gay test.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GOP SENDS HILLARY A DEMAND LETTER LISTING EMAILS SHE MUST PRODUCE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans sent a letter to Hillary Clinton demanding that she produce emails they claim she is hiding.  The letter, authored by Senator Tom Cotton, fresh from this letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei, presents a specific list of emails that she must show the American people.  The letter was signed by forty-seven Republican Senators.

The following is the list of emails they demand that Hillary Clinton immediate release:

1.      Her email that hired the hit man to kill Vince Foster.

2.      Her email laying out the Clinton’s plans of bilking millions from other investors in Whitewater.

3.      Her email ordering all Americans to stand down in Benghazi right before the deadly attack.

4.      Her email to the Benghazi protestors telling them it was finally safe to attack the Americans, now that she had told them to stand down.

5.      Her email that ordered the CIA to destroy Barack Obama’s real Kenyan birth certificate.

6.      Her email that ordered the state of Hawaii to issue a phony Obama birth certificate.

7.      Her email to the IRS to target only conservative groups for audit and punishment.

8.      Her email ordering the establishment of death panels under Obamacare

9.      Her email ordering the construction of massive detention facilities to incarcerate anyone who did not follow President Obama blindly

10.  Her email that ordered the UN to send troops into the US to take away guns from legitimate gun owners

11.  The email that told Saddam Hussein where to successfully hide his weapons of mass destruction (in Dick Cheney’s bunker, because no one would notice a few more weapons)

12.  Her email that outlines her timetable for installing Sharia law all over the United States

13.  Her email to set up a program to castrate men who would not vote for her.

14.  Bill Clinton’s email that said “I did not email that woman.”

15.  Her email to have Bill Clinton castrated.

The GOP letter stated that if she did not disclose these emails within 24 hours, the House of Representatives would start a series of investigations that would tie her up so badly that she wouldn’t have a minute to campaign for the 2016 election.

“It’s about time the Senate stood up on their hind legs and put this Feminazi in her place,” said Rush Limbaugh. 

“Tom Cotton’s letter to Hillary is just as exciting as his letter to the leader of Iran,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. 

“I’ll drink to that,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. 

“I used to believe that teaching children to read and write was God’s work,”  said Imogene Henry, Tom Cotton’s second grade teacher, “but now I believe that helping Tommy how to write letters was the biggest mistake of my life.” 

“I’ll drink to that, too,” said John Boehner.

47 GOP SENATORS TO OBAMA: LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE US DO

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The forty-seven Republican Senators who signed off on the letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei telling him to ignore any agreement that President Obama might negotiate with Iran have blamed the President for their action.  “I never would have authored such an inappropriate letter,” said Senator Tom Cotton (R- Ark), “but the President was asking for it.”

Republican leaders claim they have good reason to lay the blame for the highly divided nation on the doorstep of the White House. “I never even thought about race and racial relations until Obama assumed the highest office and made me think about these things,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “And that’s not all,” echoed Speaker of the house John Boehner, “until this President, it never occurred to me that I should question a President’s place of birth, whether or not he was a secret Muslim, or had the ability or authority to negotiate with foreign powers, or have the audacity to wear a tan suit in public without an American flag pin.  But this President has deliberately made me think about all of these divisive issues.”

“Who knows what treacherous, treasonous, disrespectful and hateful thing this President will make us do next,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “To stop him from making us do these terrible things, we patriotic Republicans may have to secede from the union or at a minimum, if Obama insists he is human, secede from the human race.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GOP TO COMMEMORATE 50^TH ANNIVERSARY OF INJURIES SUFFERED BY WHITE SPECTATORS ON “BLOODY SUNDAY”

by R J Shulman

SELMA, Alabama – (PTSD News Service) – Top Republican leaders plan to attend a rally at the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama next Sunday to honor dozens of white Alabama Citizens who were injured fifty years ago when blacks gathered to march to Montgomery in support of voting rights. “All you hear in the liberal media is one side of the story,” said Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala), “we want to give a voice to the folks forgotten on that day – the white citizens of our fair state who suffered injuries in that day’s violence.”

Clyde Lee Stonewall, who was present at the original march five decades ago said, “You should have seen how bloody my fists got when some black faces smashed into my hands.” “I wouldn’t have suffered a sprained ankle from bodies smashing into my boot if those people had just gone home after church and turned the other cheek like Jesus told them to do,” said Bobby Jimmy Whippet who was also at the bridge on that fateful day.

Reflecting on the fiftieth anniversary of the incident at the Pettus Bridge, Tommy Billy Lucas, who was present at the march in support of preserving sacred Alabama traditions said, “I knew we should have stopped that march in its tracks. Like I said back then, if you let them vote, they just might elect one of their own to the Presidency.”

The keynote speaker next Sunday will be Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly, who claims that as a young reporter he rescued seven pregnant white women from the rioting thugs at the bridge that day.  Also scheduled to speak at the rally on the topic of why there is no longer any racism in America will be Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Senator Ted Cruz, Senator Rand Paul, George Zimmerman, the five conservative members of the United States Supreme Court, the former members of the former Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University of Oklahoma and the entire police force from Ferguson, Missouri.

GOP TO INVITE “NEW” SHAH OF IRAN TO ADDRESS CONGRESS

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD NEWS Service) – After inviting Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak before Congress on US-Iranian relations in defiance of President Obama’s constitutional power to conduct foreign policy, Republicans have been emboldened to do it again. Speaker John Boehner has issued an invitation to Crown Prince Reza Pahlavi, whose father, the former Shah of Iran was deposed in 1979.

“We want the new Shah to tell the American people why Obama’s approach of negotiating with Iranian Islamic terrorists is wrong and that the best way to insure that Iran does not develop nuclear weapons is to use our military might to re-install the Iranian monarchy that was illegally overthrown by the Ayatollah Khomeini during the Carter Administration.,” Boehner said.

Reza Pahlavi is scheduled to address Congress on March 19^th.  Some Democrats have said they will boycott the session.  However, Republicans are anxiously awaiting Pahlavi’s visit.  “We may not be able to turn Obama into a white man,” Boehner said, “but perhaps we can force him to govern like one.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

GOP LEADERS DIVIDED ON WHETHER TO DEFUND HOMELAND SECURITY DUE TO OBAMA NOT RESCINDING HIS IMMIGRATION ORDER OR THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD NEWS Service) – House Republicans face a problem when they will attempt later this week to try and keep the Department of Homeland Security open. They are deeply divided, as some want to shut the DHS if Obama does not agree to reverse his executive order on immigration while some want the President to overturn the Emancipation Proclamation.

In a vote Friday afternoon, Speaker John Boehner’s original plan to fund the DHS for three weeks crashed and burned, as a group of ultra-conservatives said they would hold firm on forcing the President’s hand.  Representative John Jordan (R-Ohio) said, “there is no point in protecting the country if there is nothing worth protecting.  This country has been going steadily downhill since Lincoln freed the slaves.”

GOP leadership is hoping that a shutdown of DHS will be blamed on Obama and the Democrats.  “We sincerely want Homeland Security funded,” said Boehner, “it’s not our fault if Obama won’t agree to either kick the dreamers out of the country so that they can work for slave wagers or simply allow real slave wages here in America.  We have convinced more than half of the American people that Obama is the most divisive President when it comes to race relations, so we should be able to convince them that defunding DHS is his fault, too.”

Boehner has just four days to get his party to agree on which path they will take. “Once we get past this immediate funding issue we can get to our compromise bill,” Boehner said, “where DHS gets funded only if Obama admits he was born in Kenya, resigns and moves to Benghazi.”   However, there seems to be dissention among the more conservative members regarding this bill, as they say they want the President to also agree to overturn Obamacare, the Civil Rights Act, the First Amendment’s separation between church and state and admit that he and not the serpent convinced Eve to take that bite out of that apple.