GOP 2016 PLATFORM LEAKED

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a draft of the 2016 Republican Party Platform.  This platform that will be unveiled in Cleveland at the Republican National Convention promises to take into account the public’s desire for a party not so extreme as to ignore the needs of the middle class.

The following is the Republican Platform, entitled People Matter:

All taxes on the rich will be repealed and taxes on the poor and middle class will be increased as an incentive for them to choose to be rich,

Obamacare will be overturned and all medical malpractice and insurance fraud lawsuits will be banned,

All of Obama’s executive orders will be overturned as well as Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation,

Obama will be sent to Guantanamo Bay Detention Center with Hillary Clinton and all of her emails,

The Ten Commandments shall replace the Bill of Rights, except that the Second Amendment shall remain and Thou Shall Not Steal will not be used,

All Muslims will be banned and deported along with all muslin as that is just way too similar,

All federal land will be donated to private industry for drilling and logging or both,

Anyone who has received a settlement from a pharmaceutical company will have to return their awards with interest or they will be forced to donate their kidneys to rich people in need, and their livers to former Speaker of the House, John Boehner,

The EPA will be abolished and useful products such as DDT, asbestos and lead paint, unfairly attacked by liberals will be reinstated for everyday use,

The job killing minimum wage will be repealed and any worker not meeting their quota will be sent to work in coal mines to help revive that industry,

Global warming will officially be declared a hoax and anyone using solar or wind power will be sent to Guantanamo,

Abortion will become illegal and any doctors who performed abortions since 1973 will be sent to Guantanamo and women who have had abortions will be sent to Guantanamo unless they agree to sleep with a Republican,

Not only will the Department of Education be abolished, but public education itself will be abolished to save taxes,

All restrictive gun laws will be repealed and guns will be mandated for schools, churches, bars and 

for babies in the womb,

All banking and Wall Street regulations will be abolished and such institutions will be given the Social Security Trust Fund to invest how they see fit,

President Reagan will replace FDR on the dime and the motto on American coins will be changed from E Pluribus Unum to Brother Can You Spare a Dime,

Everyone must please clap for Jeb Bush, and, of course,

Guantanamo will be expanded.

CRUZ PICKS FIORINA AS VP; CARLY SAYS SHE STILL WON’T SLEEP WITH HIM

by R J Shulman

FRENCH LICK, Indiana – (PTSD News Service) – Senator Ted Cruz, hoping to bolster his sagging campaign announced that his choice for his vice president was former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina.  Fiorina who took time away from looking at anti-Planned Parenthood videos appeared with Cruz in Indiana, the state he called dibs on with Ohio Governor John Kasich in their bid to de-thrown Donald Trump said, “I am flattered that you chose me, but that won’t get me into bed, Ted.  Just because you chose me as your running mate, doesn’t mean I’m your mate.”

Although Cruz made his choice, he told reporters that he is keeping his options open in case he finds a woman who he has a better chance with.

Kasich, not to be outdone and in an attempt to show he’s a real conservative, said his running mate would be a Smith & Wesson .38 Special.

AMERICA’S BATHROOM CRISIS NOW NATION’S NUMBER TWO PROBLEM

by R J Shulman

FLUSHING, New York – (PTSD News) – State legislatures are racing to pass laws to curb the exploding bathroom identity crisis.  The question facing a typical legislator today regarding bathroom legislation is will he make it?

“Our bathrooms are awash in danger because who knows who is going to enter who knows which bathroom,” said Rip Sheets a Virginia Republican from Richmond who is pushing hard to dump a bathroom bill on the state house floor. “I am worried for my children’s safety if my bathroom bill stalls,” Sheets said.

“When I go the john, I want to see another John and not a Mary or a Mary who became a John,” said Senator John Johnson of Maryland.  “Whenever I see a pervert go in the wrong bathroom I get so pissed off that I beat the crap out of them,” said Manny Bowles, a North Carolina Republican.  Bowles defended bathroom restriction laws saying, “if those liberals don’t like it they can lump it.”

“This is the biggest bathroom crises we’ve had down here since the politically correct movement forced us to eliminate of our colored restrooms,” said Whitey Wright, a member of the South Carolina House.

The rash of proposed lavatory laws has created an unforeseen problem.  “We have so many of these bills draining state resources,” said Alabama State Senator Bill Plummer, “that our bathroom bill are completely backed up.”  So far, the only state not having a bathroom access problem it West Virginia, because as State Senator I. P. Freely said, “only one person at a time can fit in an outhouse.”  

90 YEAR-OLD MAN CLAIMS TO HAVE FINALLY RECEIVED FUNDS THAT TRICKLED DOWN FROM REAGAN ERA

by R J Shulman

BAD AXE, Michigan – (PTSD News Service) – Malcolm “Rusty” Schwarber, a retired plumber from Bad Axe, Michigan said that he noticed fifty-eight cents extra in his bank account and immediately attributed it to President Ronald Reagan’s trickle down economic policies.  “I voted for that wonderful man twice and I just knew the ol’ Gipper wouldn’t let me down,” Schwarber said.  “I don’t know yet whether I will spend the money or mount it on a plaque,” he added.

Wayne Gibbons, a manager at Northstar Bank in Bad Axe, where Schwarber had his account said his institution had made an error in Rusty’s account balance but said he would not take the money back or notify the account holder of the mistake because, “I just don’t have the heart to bust his bubble.”

Leland W. Grubsteak, Vice President at Bank of America’s main Michigan branch at Troy said he would definitely have taken the money back, “because the money was ours and further, if we start to have compassion for people, then we might as well as get out of the banking business.”

Schwarber’s claim is another in a series of recent reports that the massive amounts of money given to the very rich due to Reaganomics is finally starting to trickle down to the middle class, but so far all accounts have proven to be false.

SOUTHERN STATES WILL BOYCOTT NEW TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL UNLESS HARRIET TUBMAN IS REPLACED WITH SARAH PALIN

by R J Shulman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News) – A number of red states are furious over the decision to replace the portrait of President Andrew Jackson with abolitionist and women’s voting advocate Harriet Tubman on the twenty-dollar bill.  “Once again, Washington is trampling on states’ rights with their liberal agenda by putting a law breaker and voting fraud advocate on our money,” said Jimmy Bobby Earle, a South Carolina Republican state representative from Charleston, “and there is nothing more dangerous to America than blacks running around freely and voting.”

Earle, along with Republican political leaders from nine other southern states have formed a coalition to boycott the use of the twenty-dollar bill unless the planned Tubman portrait is replaced with a more modern women’s leader, Sarah Palin. “Sarah was governor of the largest American state and won the election in 22 states as the vice president of the United States,” Earle said, “while all that Tubman did was receive stolen goods when she helped workers escape from their rightful owners.”

Earle, who’s group, the Stop Un-American Currency Kinship or SUCK have conceded that it may be time for a woman to be depicted on a bill, said they might be willing to give up their Palin demands if Jackson is replaced with either Nancy Reagan or the Playmate of the Month from November 1973.

“This is a big issue for us,” Earle told reporter Caroline Patrikis from WIS-TV, Channel 10 in Columbia, “because if this nonsense is not stopped now, they will soon be replacing George Washington and Thomas Jefferson with George Jefferson.” 

ALABAMA TO VOTE ON REPEALING THE MAGNA CARTA AMIDST FEARS THE ENLIGHTENMENT WILL SOON ARRIVE IN STATE

by R J Shulman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama – (PTSD News Service) – Next Tuesday, voters in Alabama will be asked to vote on The Right to Be Free from Special Rights Act, which essentially repeals the human rights contained in the Magna Carta, the document English citizens forced King John to sign in 1215.  “That liberal Magna Carta has forced us to grant special rights to women, blacks, Jews and those who have satanically chosen the gay lifestyle in contradiction to the word of God and enough is enough,” said Bobby Lee Allwhite, (R- Frog’s Eye), a co-sponsor of the bill.

“We need to pass this law now before it becomes too late to stop the onslaught of any more of those subversive leftist ideas of the Enlightenment that has put the blasphemous notion in the heads of people that they can think for themselves when all they need to know is in the Bible and their gun manual,” said Riley Lee Riley, (R-Anniston) who co-sponsored the bill with Allwhite.

If the bill is passed, Governor Robert Bentley said he would sign it into law, “because lately there has been just too much thinking going on in Alabama.” 

ALABAMA TO VOTE ON REPEALING THE MAGNA CARTA AMIDST FEARS THE ENLIGHTENMENT WILL SOON ARRIVE IN STATE

by R J Shulman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama – (PTSD News Service) – Next Tuesday, voters in Alabama will be asked to vote on The Right to Be Free from Special Rights Act, which essentially repeals the human rights contained in the Magna Carta, the document English citizens forced King John to sign in 1215.  “That liberal Magna Carta has forced us to grant special rights to women, blacks, Jews and those who have satanically chosen the gay lifestyle in contradiction to the word of God and enough is enough,” said Bobby Lee Allwhite, (R- Frog’s Eye), a co-sponsor of the bill.

“We need to pass this law now before it becomes too late to stop the onslaught of any more of those subversive leftist ideas of the Enlightenment that has put the blasphemous notion in the heads of people that they can think for themselves when all they need to know is in the Bible and their gun manual,” said Riley Lee Riley, (R-Anniston) who co-sponsored the bill with Allwhite.

If the bill is passed, Governor Robert Bentley said he would sign it into law, “because lately there has been just too much thinking going on in Alabama.” 

GEORGIA SET TO PASS BATHROOM ID LAWS

by R J Shulman

ATLANTA – (PTSD News Service) – The Georgia Legislature will soon vote on House Bill 45, which would require a person to provide a state accepted form of identification before being allowed to enter a public restroom.  “The two biggest threats to the middle class and American way of life are voter fraud and a person going into the wrong bathroom,” said bill sponsor, Harold Lee Wilson (R- Climax), “we fixed the voter id situation, so this bill is needed to fix the number two problem.”

The law, called The Rest Assured Restroom Freedom Act, makes sure that no one is admitted to any pubic bathroom unless they properly identify themselves.  Accepted forms of identification are an NRA membership card, knowing the current NASCAR leader, the words to God Bless the USA or the call letters of the local Rush Limbaugh radio affiliate.  Entry will be denied to anyone who fails to produce such identification, admits owning a Cher album or would follow the word “drag” with “queen” rather than “race.”

The bill authorizes the state to spend over fifteen million to Halliburton in a no bid contract for bathroom monitors.  “Everybody knows that what we do in private should be privatized,” Wilson said.    

NEW ALABAMA LAW SHIELDS ANYONE FROM MURDER CHARGE IF THEY KILLED IN THE NAME OF CHRIST

by R J Shulman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama – (PTSD – News Service) – Alabama has passed a law that provides complete protection from prosecution for murder for anyone who sincerely believed the person they killed was offensive to their deeply held religious beliefs.  “Who cares about gay cakes and bathroom doors that swing both ways when it’s good old killing for Christ that needs protection,” said Earl Bobby Probbit (R-Florence) commenting on why the recently passed laws in North Carolina and Mississippi did not go far enough.

The new law, called the Religious Right to Take a Life Act does not require a specific method of killing that would be acceptable but does suggest that drowning should be used for those suspected of witchcraft, beheading for those suspected of Islamic Terrorism and forcing someone to listen hours on end to Sarah Palin speeches if they are a suspected democratic socialist. 

LAW SCHOOL NAMED FOR SCALIA HITS NEW SNAG OVER OFFENSIVE NAME

By R J Shulman

FAIRFAX, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – Last week, George Mason University announced that it was planning to rename its law school in honor of the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.  However, the name “the Antonin Scalia School of Law” proved to be a poor choice as the acronym could easily be either ASSLaw or ASSoL.  After an emergency meeting, the school’s board of regents quickly changed the name to the Conservative University of the New Testament which then caused an even bigger negative response on social media.

“The third times the charm,” said Wilson Spaulding, Dean of the Law school.  “We have done careful research and will rename the school Southern Law University of Teachers because we value the teaching of law to others.  Wait… That’s just as bad, so we will go with our alternate choice which is has cleared the highest scrutiny.  The new name of our law school will be the Federal University of Criminal Knowledge.”