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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a split 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that all laws that restrict or punish someone for shooting another person are an unconstitutional infringement of protected free speech.  Echoing the Court’s reasoning in Citizens United, which held that money is speech and laws that restrict the free spending of campaign contributions are an illegal restriction of protected expression, Chief Justice John Roberts, speaking for the majority in Bang v. Vermont, threw out a state law that made it a crime to fire a bullet into another person saying, “just as this Court found that money allows someone to choose a person of their choice to push their agenda, today we rule that someone also has the right to choose a person of their choice to push up daisies.”

This ruling is a big win for gun rights advocates.  “The Second Amendment has always protected the rights of citizens to own a firearm of their choice, but what good is that if you can’t use it to shoot a person of your choice?” asked Wayne LaPierre, former President of the National Rifle Association.  “Thanks to this righteous court decision, that problem has been blown away.”

The Court did not address whether a law could be passed to punish a shooter with bad aim who misses their chosen target and hits the wrong person.  However, legal scholar Hairston Bruntlege III of the Yale University School of law said, “Logic follows that someone who shoots the wrong person is still protected by the Constitution because it is clear that a person can give vast sums of money to elect a certain candidate and later find out after that person was in office that they had supported the wrong person.”

Sunday, May 25, 2014


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican led House took time away from investigating Benghazi and trying to repeal Obamacare for the fifty-fifth time to pass the Don’t Undermine My Bible bill (or DUMB Act), that makes it a crime to use math or science to support an idea.

Bill sponsor Louie Gohmert (R-Tex) said, “How can America stay number one in the world when we allow evil scientists and mad mathematicians tear apart this great country.  Oops, I shouldn’t have used the number one because numbers are inherently liberal.”

“While those Godless Communist liberals in the Democrat party cannot shake my faith in faith,” said Vicki Hertzler (R-Mo) who supported the DUMB Act, “I worry about them trying to subvert the minds of my children with their wildly unsupported theories of evolution, gravity and needing clean air to breathe.”

“All we Americans need to know is that our Christian founding fathers put the Ten Commandments right into our Constitution so we could protect our rights with Bibles and guns,” Gohmert said. “This here Dumb Act will help protect real Americans from the efforts of those left-wing fascists from trying to force us to believe in their false religion of math and science when all of the hard evidence of truth that we need is found in the Good Book.”

“I voted for this bill because outlawing phony science and math will stop the enemies of freedom from attacking fossil fuels, trickle down economics and unfettered capitalism,” said Steven King (R-Iowa). “If we don’t reign in these math and science economic terrorists, we will be letting Communist China become better capitalists than we are.”

“This bill is a start,” said Renee Ellmers (R- NC).  “After we get rid of math and science we need to get rid of that most treacherous tool of liberals – facts.”  

Thursday, May 22, 2014


by R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise move, embattled Clippers’ owner Donald Sterling said he would drop his lawsuit against the NBA and sell his Los Angeles basketball team.  “I’m not capitulating to the ridiculous demands of the National Basketball Association,” Sterling said, “it’s just that I need the cash from the sale of the Clippers to buy the Washington Redskins.”

Sterling explained that he always wanted to own a National Football league team, “and the Washington club have a name that I particularly like. I guess you could say it resonates with me.”

When told that there were objections to the name “Redskins,” Sterling said, “what are those Indians complaining about now?  We didn’t break that many treaties and we gave them free blankets.”

Sterling said that he wanted to become an NFL team owner ASAP, so he could lend his voice to stop the “disgusting trend of allowing gays to play football.”  He said, “what if you are a center and you are bending forward to snap the football before the start of a play and there is a gay quarterback behind you.  That center could never be sure which ball the quarterback might soon be grabbing.”

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Taking a page from the recently aired Michael Jackson hologramic performance of his newly released song Slave to the Rhythm at the Billboard Music Awards, Republican Party leaders announced today that they will nominate and run a hologram of Ronald Reagan as their candidate for President in 2016.  “If one great icon of the ‘80s can make a comeback appearance, why not another?” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus.  

Priebus also noted that a Reagan reemergence takes care of the vacuum that seems to exist in trying to field a viable Republican candidate to oppose Hillary Clinton, the likely Democrat in 2016.  “Perry can’t remember three things to save his life, Cruz is crazy, Rand Paul would disband government, Christie is now a Christie critter, and Jeb Bush, hell  the country has been bushwhacked enough, so a Regan rebooted is not just a great idea, but is in reality, is the second coming.”

“Regan retread wouldn’t waste any time discussing global warming, gay marriage or legalizing marijuana – heck, they wouldn’t even be on his radar,” Priebus said, “and his views on Russia being the evil empire are now more current than ever with Putin annexing the crap out of Ukraine.”

Priebus said he is not worried about the presidential debates because whenever Hillary or some other Democrat makes a point, the Regan hologram would just answer “there you go again” or “liberal, liberal, liberal.”   “Those retorts worked back then and they should work again now,” he said.

Priebus added that unlike the current president, Reagan would have no problem producing a valid birth certificate.  “Heck, he even has a death certificate.”

Some members of the GOP are not so keen on re-running Reagan because they believe that the former pesident would be way too liberal to fit into today’s Republican party.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

by R J Shulman

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – In the past week, nine more marriage parlors in this city, once known for quick marriages have bit the dust, as the fallout from the nationally televised Michael Sam kiss is turning into a blizzard.  “Not only doesn’t anyone want to get married anymore,” said Paul Gorgon, who had to close his drive-through Elvis and Marilyn Forever Marriage Chapel, “but I have received death threats from former clients who are angry I married them in the first place.  How could I have known that two guys were going to kiss on TV and ruin their marriage forever?”

“This has been such a sharp increase in divorces,” said Molly Dunphy, Clark County court clerk, “that we have had to temporarily suspend all criminal cases to handle the landslide of divorces.  We had to let a serial killer, a mad rapist, and three meth dealers go free because we needed those courtrooms to handle the angry mob outside that was demanding immediate divorces.”

The marriage crisis has become so acute that Arkansas just passed a law that makes it illegal for anyone to get married.  “When Michael Sam’s lips touched his boyfriend’s, it was so disturbing and devastating to the institution of marriage, that we had to end them altogether no matter what gender was trying to marry what gender,” said Senator Tater Williams (R-Ft. Smith) a sponsor of the End of Marriage Act.

“The sight of one man kissing another man was so disturbing that I had to lock myself in the den and watch that kiss over and over again to fully understand how appalling it really was,” said Clem Wagner of  Cowhide, Idaho. 

“I was just telling my girlfriend when we were in bed at the motel that my wife doesn’t understand me when I tell her how gays are ruining the institution of marriage,” said Danny Whiffle of Plainview, Texas.

“My wife left me and took the children because after my kids saw Michael Sam kiss his boyfriend, I plucked their eyes out,” said Frank Fiddle of Claxton, Georgia. “Doesn’t is say in the bible that you can pluck your children’s eyes out for seeing immoral acts?”

“That homosexual kiss was so devastating to me that I told my wife I could never kiss her again,” said Marcus Fynnisht of Teapot, Tennessee.  “I thought she was going to mad as hell at me, but she said she was relieved.”

“With one kiss, Michael Sam has kissed-off the very fabric of American society by destroying the foundation of marriage,” said Worthington Masterson, a Yale historian.  “Due to what I call the Sam Kiss-of-Death, soon there will be more people divorced in America than were ever married.”

Saturday, May 17, 2014


by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – Newt Gingrich said on CNN’s Crossfire that gays and their supporters need to be more tolerant of those who were vocally opposed to the now famous video of Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend after he learned he was drafted by the St. Louis Rams.  Gingrich is not the first to bring to light the plight of clandestine groups that have been driven to the shadows by the increasing intolerance of others.  These maligned groups he and others speak of are the bigots, racists and haters.

“Why have we become so intolerant of Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy,” said Professor Jeb Stonewall Jackson Lee of Bob Jones University. “These Americans were just expressing their opinion of other Americans, albeit, darker skinned ones.  But, aren’t we allowed to say what we believe anymore here in the land of the free?”

“As a staunch supporter in the First Amendment guarantee of free speech I would defend to the death Mel Gibson’s right to express his opinion about Jews,” said Horst Krautmann of the Anti Jewish Anti Defamation League. “OK, it may have been ill advised for Gibson to say bad things about Jews since they run Hollywood, but we as a nation should be more tolerant of people who may have views different from ours.”

“Why should we Christians be nailed to the cross just because we believe in our hearts that it is right to pass laws that would force non-believers to think and pray as we do?” said Pastor Helen Brimstone of the Sixth Baptist Church of Sacred Stump, Alabama.

“All of this forced liberal communist political correctness is a conspiracy to take away our God given right to hate the people of our choice,” Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience.

“It is time we stand up for our rights like these minorities have been doing for years,” said former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, “If I believe that women should not be allowed to vote or work outside their place in the kitchen or bedroom, why shouldn’t I be able to express my deeply held religious and moral beliefs without being attacked mercilessly by the intolerance of others?”

“America is supposed to be a big tent in which all opinions should be able to be expressed without ridicule and oppression,” said Wayne C. Lumpkin, a history professor at the Fundamentalist University of Central Kentucky, “after all, what is more American than hating someone who you believe in your heart is inferior to you?”

Thursday, May 15, 2014


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service)  After years of neglect that has led to a failing infrastructure, stagnant wages and an alarming rise in the number of working poor, the US is about to make a change.  A new report by the Third World Watch Group (TWWG) concludes that based upon ten tell-tale factors for determining a nation’s status, the United States has officially become a third world nation.

“Due to rising poverty, control the country’s wealth by the few, massive income inequality, lack of upward mobility, lack of manufacturing, government control by the rich, declining civil rights, a failing educational system and a rotting infrastructure, the once-called land of opportunity has been out sourced to China,” said William Underwood, a senior analyst for TWWG.  “The good news in all this is that the US Congress will finally be forced to follow its directive to aid third world countries and will send economic aid to the states just as it sends aids to countries like Haiti and Bangladesh,” Underwood said.

According to the report, the US will shift aid it formerly sent to China and India who no longer need it and instead shift this economic aid to Mississippi, Alabama and West Virginia.  The report noted that it has already become a new custom among Chinese mothers who are trying to get their finicky children to eat better to tell them, “if you do not finish your plate, I know of millions of starving children in America who would love to eat that.” 

“This aid will be a drop in the bucket of what has been needed for a long time in this country,” said Senator Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), “but this will not end the war on the middle class that has seen a steady exodus of good paying jobs to places like China and India.  If you thought it was ill advised to send American soldiers to Viet Nam four decades ago, that will be nothing compared to us sending American jobs to Viet Nam due to our disastrous trade agreements.”

The first shipment of American Apple Pie is expected to arrive in Ohio as soon as it can be shipped to Cleveland from Shanghai where the pies were baked and a shipment of clothes from Banana Republic should arrive in Detroit soon from Indonesia where the clothing was manufactured.

Underwood notes that there may be a monkey wrench that could stop economic aid to the states as the US Budget Office reports that there may be no money left in the national coffers due to it all being spent by Congress on its ongoing Benghazi investigations.

Sunday, May 11, 2014


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Republican leaders took time away from voting for the fifty-third time to repeal the Affordable Care Act to advocate for the addition of a new state to the union.  “The most important place in the world that is not already part of the United States is clearly Benghazi,” said Darrell Issa (R- Cal.).  “Anyone can see that we in Congress have talked more about what is going on in Benghazi than what is happening in the other fifty-states.  Besides,” he said, “if Benghazi is made a state, it will be easier to obtain the information we need that proves Hillary Clinton was lying all along about her prominent role in the deadly attack and what she did afterward to make it the biggest cover-up since Cain lied about slaying Abel.”

“Another advantage for Republicans to support Benghazi statehood is that most of the people there are Muslims and this would prove the GOP has a big tent that supports diversity,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.  “Of course, we will have to enforce a very strict voter identification policy to make sure there is no Benghazi voter fraud.”

Senator John McCain (R- Ariz.) said that the push for Benghazi statehood does not go far enough.  “We need to add a fifty-second state.  I have sponsored a bill to grant US statehood to Ukraine, the entire pre-Putin annexation version, to keep the Russians from any more of their illegal annexations and meddling in other people’s business.”

Not all Republicans have expressed support for Benghazi statehood.  Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said she feared making Benghazi a state could be followed up by Kenyan statehood which could legitimized Obama’s birth certificate, finally making him a citizen and eligible for the presidency.”

So far, in a new ABC/Washington Post News Poll, the people of Benghazi have expressed no interest in becoming part of the United States. Undaunted, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “since when does what the people want have any relation to what we vote for in Congress.”

Thursday, May 08, 2014


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Challenging the latest National Climate Assessment report that says climate change is already affecting America, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said “this report is a waste of taxpayer dollars as the yearly cycle of change in climate is as obvious as the orange nose on John Boehner’s face.”  He added that “the only temperature that is rising is mine after I read this phony report.”

“These greedy grant hungry scientists are trying to scare us with erroneous claims that the weather is changing,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry.  “Everyone knows there are four seasons, winter, spring summer and… uh-oh, I forget the other one.” 

“These reports are nothing more than an attempt to distract voters from the real issues of the day such as when Hillary Clinton ordered the terrorist attack on Benghazi, where Obama’s real Kenyan birth certificate is hidden, how we can combat Obamacare’s death panels, and just how Obama bribed lazy inner city welfare takers to vote for him by giving them all cell phones,” said Sarah Palin.

“Numbers are inherently left-wing godless tools that will take away your right to own a gun,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R- Tex), “and it is these very same communist atheistic numbers that these scientists have used in their biased anti-American reports.”

The GOP had planned to hold a convention in Boise to discuss the myth of climate change, but the meeting had to be postponed when the Idaho city was hit by a freak typhoon.  “We will continue our fight,” said Senator Rand Paul (R- KY) “to get the truth out about how there is no climate change until hell freezes over.”  Over ninety percent of the scientists say that could happen as early as 2047.

Sunday, May 04, 2014

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico (PTSD News Service) – This past week, Republicans in the Senate killed all discussion on a bill that would have increased in the minimum wage from $7.25 to $10.10 with a filibuster.  The GOP claimed that such an increase would kill jobs.  The Democrats accused the GOP of being insincere about caring about jobs and have vowed that they will make the minimum wage a campaign issue in the 2014 mid-term election.

      But the problem here may be that Republicans were weak and didn’t go far enough.  If their theory about an increase in the minimum wage destroying jobs is correct, then a decrease or elimination of the minimum wage altogether should jump start the economy.  Following the GOP’s reasoning, here are the benefits of eliminating the minimum wage:    
         This would bring back millions of jobs lost when the minimum wage was raised up to the current $7.25.

2.      If wages for low skill jobs could fall to the market rate, it would cut down on illegal immigration because why would anyone risk their lives to enter the United States to clean toilets for $1.50 an hour when they can do that in their own country without the threat of being deported for speaking their native tongue on the job.
          It would teach young people how important it is to get a higher education so you don’t have to clean toilets for $1.50 an hour.  Wait - all the new jobs created by the elimination of the minimum wage will be low, so even a PhD might have to work for a buck fifty an hour.  But there is still an advantage.  Young people will not have to go to college and rack up insane student loans just to make $3,000 a year.
         If you only make $3,000 a year, you will qualify for a subsidy under the Affordable Care Act.  Wait – these people then would be in the hands of those Kenyan Muslim Death Panels, so scratch that one as a benefit of no minimum wage.

5.      American jobs will no longer be shipped off to China and Bangladesh because why would a company pay an ignorant foreign worker $1.50 an hour to make Nike sneakers when you can pay an ignorant American worker $1.50 to just do it.

6.      Since $1.50 per hour doesn’t give you what you need for basic food and shelter, it could give rise to a new more economically efficient work model.  How about the worker getting a place to live and three, OK, maybe two meals a day and all you have to do for this is to work 18 hours a day, and maybe there is a little cotton picking involved.  Oh, my stars, you say, that would be slavery.  So what’s your point?