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Sunday, May 18, 2014

by R J Shulman

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – In the past week, nine more marriage parlors in this city, once known for quick marriages have bit the dust, as the fallout from the nationally televised Michael Sam kiss is turning into a blizzard.  “Not only doesn’t anyone want to get married anymore,” said Paul Gorgon, who had to close his drive-through Elvis and Marilyn Forever Marriage Chapel, “but I have received death threats from former clients who are angry I married them in the first place.  How could I have known that two guys were going to kiss on TV and ruin their marriage forever?”

“This has been such a sharp increase in divorces,” said Molly Dunphy, Clark County court clerk, “that we have had to temporarily suspend all criminal cases to handle the landslide of divorces.  We had to let a serial killer, a mad rapist, and three meth dealers go free because we needed those courtrooms to handle the angry mob outside that was demanding immediate divorces.”

The marriage crisis has become so acute that Arkansas just passed a law that makes it illegal for anyone to get married.  “When Michael Sam’s lips touched his boyfriend’s, it was so disturbing and devastating to the institution of marriage, that we had to end them altogether no matter what gender was trying to marry what gender,” said Senator Tater Williams (R-Ft. Smith) a sponsor of the End of Marriage Act.

“The sight of one man kissing another man was so disturbing that I had to lock myself in the den and watch that kiss over and over again to fully understand how appalling it really was,” said Clem Wagner of  Cowhide, Idaho. 

“I was just telling my girlfriend when we were in bed at the motel that my wife doesn’t understand me when I tell her how gays are ruining the institution of marriage,” said Danny Whiffle of Plainview, Texas.

“My wife left me and took the children because after my kids saw Michael Sam kiss his boyfriend, I plucked their eyes out,” said Frank Fiddle of Claxton, Georgia. “Doesn’t is say in the bible that you can pluck your children’s eyes out for seeing immoral acts?”

“That homosexual kiss was so devastating to me that I told my wife I could never kiss her again,” said Marcus Fynnisht of Teapot, Tennessee.  “I thought she was going to mad as hell at me, but she said she was relieved.”

“With one kiss, Michael Sam has kissed-off the very fabric of American society by destroying the foundation of marriage,” said Worthington Masterson, a Yale historian.  “Due to what I call the Sam Kiss-of-Death, soon there will be more people divorced in America than were ever married.”


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