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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the original manuscript of Sarah Palin's book, Going Rouge: An American Life. The manuscript, originally titled, You Betcha, I'm Qualified: How a Failed Weather Girl Almost Got Her Revenge, aparently went through a major rewrite at the insistence of her publisher, Harper. Going Rogue is scheduled for release on November 17th, and is already number one on the Barnes and Noble website.

However, here are unedited selections from the original You Betcha version.

Chapter 3 - I'll Vote For That

"As a good American you must make sure you have done your homework so you are prepared when you go to vote, and that means exercising your Second Amendment rights by bringing the right gun and ammo to make sure your vote is counted and that others who show up to vote will come to understand why they should vote the same way you did."

Chapter 5 - There Is Only One Letter Difference Between Friends and Fiends

"Choose your friends wisely because you don't want to end up palling around with terrorists. So take a potential friend waterboarding, if you know what I mean and if they confess to hating America, then they are not your friend, while on the other hand if they don't confess or die, they are true friendship material."

Chapter 8 - What You Can Learn Right From Home

"The power of home schooling can never be underestimated. To learn all kinds of important stuff, you should take the time to see what you can see from your house. If you see a foreign country like, let's say Russia, you are an expert in international affairs, while if you see a bank, you can know all about finances and investing, and if you see someone speaking Spanish, you know how to solve the illegal immigrant invasion problem, and if you see a storm coming you are qualified to be the head of FEMA, but you still might have to see Arabian Horses from your house for that job."

Chapter 11 - No Country For Old Men

"I think our Jewish friends, the ones who hate Communists and have sworn off stealing Christian children, would call you-know-who an alter cocker, which in Jewish means an old person who is losing bodily functions, well that is what they would call the you-know-who at the top of the ticket who lost the election for me, I mean he was so old, he didn't know how may houses he owned or what he could see from those houses."

Chapter 13 - Moose-o-lini Slept Here

"It is important to know if the president is more like a fascist like Hitler or Chairman Mao, or like John Lennon and Groucho Marx who were Communists so you know which body to paste the face of this president on, lets say someone like Obama for instance when you make a sign to go to protest with all of your anger at the wrong kind of person who is sleeping in the White House."

Chapter 23 - Forget the Three Rs

"Times have changed in what is important in education our youth. The traditional three Rs, reading, writing and the other one are not enough. Now it's the three G's, God, Guns and Gays. This is needed to combat the propaganda of a president who has the audacity to talk to school children about something other than a pet goat."

The Post Times Sun Dispatch will offer more selections for this book if future issues.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Doctors have reported that due to the health care debate The Truth is "circling the drain." "The Truth was in good health when this discussion started," said Dr. Blythe Donovan of the Bethesda Medical Center, "but he has been kicked around, stretched, twisted and shredded within inches of his life by a bipartisan group of congressmen and women commonly known as the "Pack of Lies."

The Pack, led by Senators Kyl of Arizona and Baucus of Montana have hit the talk circuit like Pinocchio on steroids. "Our bill will be good for America," Baucus said, "because we will force everyone to buy private health care and let the insurance companies use their best judgment to charge what they think is fair. Now what is more American than that?" "Allowing an incompentant government health plan to compete with insurance companies would put the private companies out of business and drive the CEOs to go on welfare paid for by you and me, the taxpayer," said Senator Kyl.

"Who cares about the truth anyway," said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, "and who cares about losers who are stupid enough to get sick, and who cares if America is destroyed and the planet becomes completely uninhabitable. There is only one goal here, my friends and that is to make sure Obama fails."

The Pack, with the aid of conservative talk radio has convinced a sizable part of the population that health care reform means death panels, doctor rationing, having to wait on former DMV bureaucrats to process their health care claims, illegal aliens impregnating their daughters after confiscating their guns, before they are hauled away to internment camps run by Kenyan thugs and children indoctrinated by Obama talking to them while they are in godless schools so they can force them into homosexuality by giving you genital warts.

"Frankly, we don't think the patient is going to make it," said Dr. Donovan. "So I guess we will have to tell Truth's next of kin, Integrity and Ethics as soon as we can find them." "With the Truth gone, we will be able to say anything we want," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "although we pretty much do that already."

Outside Bethesda Medical Center, a group of aging hippies have been holding a candlelight vigil for the Truth, hoping he will make a recovery. "It's all our generation's fault,' said 62 year-old Herman "Groovy" Greasorius of Bethel, New York, "instead of us wanting peace, love and dope, it should have been peace, love and truth."

When asked if it was a shame that the Truth is dying, former President Bill Clinton said, "it depends on what you mean by "is." George W. Bush said that "Truth is a relative thing. That is only my relatives are entitled to hear the truth, heh-heh, heh-heh." Former Vice President Dick Cheney said, "It is clear now that Truth is in its final throes."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Sunday, September 27, 2009


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - The Republicans hit the Sunday morning news shows with a vengeance, decrying the recent charges that their opposition to President Obama includes a racial component. "It's my duty to call a President who acts like he is in charge of things uppity," said South Carolina Representative Lynn Westmoreland to David Gregory on NBC's Meet the Press, "you just can't have a chief executive going around thinking he's the decider or something. You didn't see Bush do that."

"How is asking a President to account for his wild out of control spending racist because I asked for an accounting of his watermelon and fried chicken budget?" Senate Minority Mitch McConnell told CBS's Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation. On ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulos, Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona said, "The President is supposed to keep us safe like Bush did during his presidency. What's wrong with being concerned our wives and daughters may not be safe with Obama in the White House?"

House Minority Leader John Boehner said that it is ridiculous to call him a racist. "I liked Sammy Davis, Jr. who was not only black, but a Jew. Man, that guy sure could dance up a storm and find a good bargain at the same time." "Those Democrat liberals who hate white people just can't handle the truth," said former Governor Sarah Palin, "When I criticized Obama, I'm just calling a spade a spade."

"We have a volatile world out there," said Fox's Bill O'Rielly, "How is it racist to be worried the president might say, 'don't bother me with all those nukes and sh*t, just pass me the mf basketball?" Rush Limbaugh chimed in by saying that "me calling Obama the White House Negro is not racist, but the truth, as he is a Negro occupying the White House. Besides Obama shouldn't be complaining anyway because house Negros are the lucky ones."

Michele Bachmann (R-MN) criticized former President Jimmy Carter for calling the attacks on Obama racist, "what does Carter know about racism anyway, it's not like he was raised in the South like Georgia for instance. Isn't it bad enough that he keeps building welfare houses for those people?"

Talk show host Michael Wiener, better know to his millions of avid followers as Michael Savage, said, "This whole issue is Obama's fault as no one asked him to run for president while black."

Fox News also rejected that their reporting promotes racism. "All we do is report the news that Obama is a black Muslim terrorist who wants to bring his fellow Kenyan thugs to confiscate guns and bibles and force fascist communism down decent white American's throats and let them decide."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Saturday, September 26, 2009


by R J Shulman
BLANCO, Texas - (PTSD News) - The owner of a taxidermy school in this small Texas town has received more calls and visitors in the past week than in all the seventeen years he's owned Blanco Taxidermy Academy, as word got out that he was in possession of the body of an odd creature that he found near his property. "I don't know what it is, but I know it's strange," said Jerry Ayer. "It sort of looks half-human, but has this black stuff all over it and feathers like it was some kind of bird."

Word spread quickly that he was in possession of an oddity, prompting hundreds to visit his school to view the strange body. Speculation has been that the creature, about one hundred and eighty pounds, was anything from bigfoot, to an alien to the anti-Christ, but most said it was a chupacabra, a mysterious creature whose name translates roughly from Spanish to "goat sucker."

However, Stockton Waybridge, an anthropologist from the University of Texas, says he's sure the creature is none other than the missing Blake Partridge, a conservative talk show radio host who disappeared from his late night show on talk station KLBJ in Austin three months ago after the station was stormed by an angry crowd demanding Partridge's hide after he said that even though he didn't agree with some of President Obama's views, he should be respected because he was the duly elected president.

"I know it was Partridge," aid Waybridge, "because the black material was tar, the feathers were not grown by this creature, but were taken from several different species of birds and stuck to the body, and of course because after a closer examinaiton, I discovered a KLBJ microphone shoved up his nether parts."

The death of Partridge marks the end of an era," said Michael Harrison of Talkers Magazine a publication dedicated to talk radio industry, "he was the last conservative talk show host who didn't want Obama to fail and have the US attacked by terrorists on his watch so the Democrats could be blamed."

"Good riddance to that vermin," said conservative talk show host Michael Wiener, known to his listeners as Michael Savage, "the thought of a conservative talk show host claiming Obama deserves respect is an affront to every conservative and made me so sick to my stomach, that for a moment I forgot to hate illegal immigrants." "He was obviously an agent of the Soviet Union, sent here to warp the minds of young listeners to turn them into commies and Obama youth fascists," said talker Glenn Beck, "the thought of him saying he was a conservative who wanted American to get along with the rest of the world instead of bombing them to hell just makes me want to cry."

Stanley Marcus, the newly hired program director of KLBJ was thankful that Ayers found out it was Partridge. "At least we get that microphone back," Marcus said.

"It's not chupacabras we should fear," said Henry Worthington, a sociologist from Harvard University. "A chupacabra might suck the blood out of you, but the conservative talk show host of today will actually suck out your soul."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Friday, September 25, 2009


by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox News' Neil Cavuto has blasted President Obama for trying to steal the spotlight from the real news, the speech made by Sarah Palin in Hong Kong. "This Kenyan impostor who has occupied the White House knew that the liberal media would flock to his Kumbayah raise-the-white-flag speech at the UN, instead of covering perhaps the most important speech of our generation, Sarah Palin's recipe for solving the world's financial problems, and who better to make that speech than the former Alaskan governor, as she can see a bank from her house."

Most who attended her speech in Hong Kong, Fox reported, left early because they couldn't wait to rush out to try her investment suggestions.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, September 24, 2009


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Mighty oaks from tiny acorns grow. This couldn't be more true of the latest frenzy overtaking the nation's capital, the defunding of organiztions and people who have betrayed the public trust. When House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio declared the the passage of an amendment that took away funding from ACORN was a victory for taxpayers, little did anyone know that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Second to lose government money was Blackwater. "If ACORN got the ax for helping a woman avoid taxes for engaging in prostitution," said Representative Alan Grayson of Florida, "than Blackwater should certainly be black-balled for running a prostitution ring, not to mention killing innocent people in Iraq." Soon Halliburton, Lockheed Martin, Boeing, General Electric and Raytheon were also defunded due to massive irregularities. "The era of the six hundred dollar toilet seat has come to an end," said Representative Jerry Nadler of New York. "it's time we nailed those bastards, but not with a nine hundred dollar hammer, of course."

Bills have been introduced to stop all funding to banks, investment groups and insurance companies that were just recently bailed out. "There is so much corruption in those industries, they are surely the devil's favorite playground, said, Representative Ben Ray Lujan of New Mexico. In fact Lujan's bill requires those institutions to pay it all back with interest. Also on the chopping block are payments to the pharmaceutical companies. "We have got to stop Pfizer and the like who are really nothing more than bloated grotesque pushermen spiraling out of control," said California Representative Henry Waxman.

In addition, the government will no longer subsidize lithium pills for Glenn Beck or Oxycontin for Rush Limbaugh.

In fact, like the long ago lonley search of Diogenes for an honest man, the government has not been able to find one penny that was spent on a person or organization that was not corrupt. "I guess we have to shut the government down," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. In a rare show of bipartisanship, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed. "We better make sure the government is not shut down by incompetent government bureaucrats," said McConnell, "We need the federal shutdown done by the private sector as they have the experience to do this sort of thing, like what they did with Lehman Brothers."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Friday, September 18, 2009


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Hundreds of government employees and those that just can't wait to get federal jobs are angrily protesting the health care reform bill proposed by Senator Max Baucus because it does not have a public option. "I just couldn't wait to get between patients and their doctors," said Sadie Singleton, a career federal employee from Baltimore, "but if the Baucus bill passes, my dreams will be shattered."

"We are going to let the more competent free market continue to get between patients and their doctors," said Senator Baucus. "We know the free market works," Baucus said, "because if a patient is denied health care or dropped from their plan because they got sick, the patient can simply go to the competition, unless they have a preexisting condition, which of course they have, but why is that the fault of the insurance companies?"

Government workers who would not be able to take over health care are not the only ones upset by the Baucus bill. "I am so mad I want to take Baucus for a ride in my van," said Dr. Jack Kevorkian, "unlike Obama's health care plan, the Senator's bill does not call for any death panels and ruins my chances of being named Death Panel Czar."

Some doctors are also upset at the lack of a public option in the legislation. "If there was a government take over of health care, then I could blame all the time people have to wait in my office on that and not just on the way I run my business," said Dr. Sheldon Waite of Bend, Oregon.

"Health care would come to a halt in this country if there was government run socialized medicine," said Adrian Blume of the Drainbridge Institute, a Bethesda, Maryland conservative think tank, "Do you want an incompetent government burocracy rather than a well run private industry taking care of the two most important components of the health care system, collecting premiums and denying coverage to really sick people? I think not."

"This bill makes people be responsible for their own health," said Castor Brimley of HealthWatch, an organization that monitors health issues. "People will be less likely to engage in risky behavior like eating fried foods and going in the water right after they ate, if they knew they could not rely on a government handout to go to a doctor." "Health care should be about survival of the fitist, but don't take that to mean I believe in evolution," said former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Senator Baucus made many Republican compromises, yet not one GOP congressman has signed on to Baucus' bill. "I might think about it if the legislation privatized medicare and social security," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "I'd think better about it if Obama would apologize to me for making me have to say you lie at his speech," said Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina.

"We may have to use the nuclear option to get this passed," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "that is, we may have to get Obama to resign and disband the entire Democratic party to get some bipartisanship support."

For the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, September 17, 2009


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - A new law passed by the Senate will allow passengers to bring their firearms with them when they travel on Amtrak. The 68-30 vote would prohibit federal funding of Amtrak unless individuals are allowed to bring their guns on the train.

There seems to be grass roots support for the measure. "I feel safe riding on Amtrak," said Barton Conroy of Crewe, Virginia, "because now I can protect myself if I get in the crossfire between tea baggers, birthers, deathers, tenthers, Obama-ites, sodomites and the just plain uptights." "I'm glad that the federal government is protecting our Second Amendment rights," said Trig Morgan of Ukiah, California. "Now I can bring my .357 Magnum with me when I take the train to protest rallies against big government." "Having my gun will protect me against others' criminal behavior," said Shirley Galloway of Valdosta, Georgia, "I just can't wait to shoot the next creep who tries to take my favorite seat."

The National Transportation Safety Board agrees that the new bill will promote travel safety. "Now passengers have the option to whip out their piece when they need to force the train engineer stop texting and pay attention to driving the train," said Laharla Simpson of the NTSB.

In a related story, actor Samuel L. Jackson has agreed to star in a new horror movie sequel to Snakes on a Plane called Guns on a Train.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Monday, September 14, 2009


by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON -(PTSD News) - The Town Hall has come to America. From the rallies of shouting protesters at meetings to discuss health care, to Rep. Joe Wilson shouting "you lie" to President Obama at a joint session of Congress, to Kanye West grabbing the mike and yelling at Taylor Swift at the MTV awards (which earned West "the Best Town Hall Video Award"), to Serena Williams who not so serenely told a judge that she wanted to shove a tennis ball down their throat, the act of shouting down others has become an American phenomenon.

"This is not just a fad, it's a generational change," said Hector Greenberg, Professor of Sociology at Stanford University. "The times they are a-changing from the Woodstock nation of peace, love and dope to the Town Hall nation of war, hate and dopes with a slogan of 'don't trust anyone under 30, because they all voted for Obama.'" "I am so glad that our voices are getting to be heard," said Chaz McAlister, a 48 year-old minister from Boca Raton, Florida who was wearing a tee shirt with a picture of President Obama's face pasted on the body of Satan, "We are no longer the silent majority, we are now the strident majority."

"Barak Obama came at the right time in history," said Leslie Stuttgart a history professor at Harvard, "he has the charisma to bring us all together, no matter what color, creed or religion to participate in one big 'shove-in' where everybody joins in the pushing, shoving and screaming."

Actor Mel Gibson, now considered the father of the Town Hall movement, for his well publicized anti-semetic outburst to a policeman in California, is organizing a benefit concert and recording of a new single, "We Yell the World," sung by Ted Nugent, Anita Bryant, and a screaming mob of tea baggers. Other songs on the tour include an updated version of the Isley Brothers "Twist and Shout, Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" and "The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius, with Aquarius being replaced with "They're scaring us."

"This is all about basic First Amendment rights of free speech," said Yale Law Professor Mike Holloran, "not only do you have the right to yell 'fire' in a crowded auditorium, but under the law you are required to do so."

"What is so inviting about this new generational phenomenon and why it is growing so fast is that you can get to express yourself without having to be bogged down with truth, facts, logic or even knowing what you are angry at," said Greenberg, "and not knowing what you are angry about gets you even angrier."

"In 1968 we had the summer of love," Greenberg continued, "now some forty odd years later in 2009, we have the summer of hate."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Saturday, September 12, 2009


by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In a bold new move to push health care reform through Congress by the end of the year, President Obama has asked the insurance industry to help draft a bill that can get the votes of so-called Blue Dog Democrats and some Republican support. "Who would be more qualified to write a reform bill than the insurance representatives on the front lines dealing with health care issues," Obama said.

The compromise bill will include the controversial public option and universal health care. "The pubic option doesn't create a government run health plan, but rather guarantees that all Americans have the option to use a public toilet if they want to as no government bureaucrat will be able to get between the patient and the port-a-potty of their choice,"the president said. The universal health care provision will mandate that everyone buy a health care plan with private insurance provider or be thrown into Guantanamo as a traitor.

"Not only will this bill achieve my goals of a public option, universal health care, but it will not add one penny to the budget as we will handle all possible health care overruns by taking money from the social security fund," President Obama said. White House aides said Obama's plan to bleed social security dry may help get Republican support.

The bill also makes it illegal for anyone, any government entity or business to negotiate for lower health care premium prices as that would be considered government interference with the free market. "We just can't have anyone trying to shove down limits down the throats of CEO bonuses as that is just anti-American," said Senator Joe Lieberman. "I also support the provision that calls for authorities to shoot anyone on site who is suspected of going to Canada to get cheaper drugs."

The legislation also makes it illegal to sue insurance companies and drug makers for any reason. "This tort reform should help us get some moderates and the Blue Dogs," Obama said. The bill also will impose stiff fines on insurance companies who do not drop anyone covered under their plan who gets too sick. "This is a great cost cutting measure," an Obama spokesman said. Also included is a provision that adds seventy-five new categories as "preexisting conditions" to allow insurance companies to refuse insurance or payments to anyone what has had such conditions as a runny nose or breathing hard after exercising.

The bill also calls for black people to pay reparations to former plantation owners because their slave ancestors complained so much about having to work hard that it caused the civil war, the freeing of the slaves and a big taking of property from the slave owners. "This provision will help get southern congressmen to vote for this bill," said Tom Winthrop, an Obama spokesman.

Not everyone is happy with the compromise bill, as Independent Senator Bernie Sanders has dropped his support saying he is looking into the possibility of Vermont seceding from the United States and joining up with their neighbor to the north, Canada.

So far a few more Democrats think they can now support the bill, but still no Republicans have pledged to vote for it. "I might think about getting on board if Obama apologized to Representative Joe 'the Heckler' Wilson for lying to him," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

"We are getting closer to getting a bill passed," said President Obama, "and when I say we can get health care reform passed, I say, 'oh, yes we can.'"

for the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, September 10, 2009


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - While not as snappy as "I have not yet begun to fight," or "give me liberty or give me death," the words, "you lie," hurled at President Obama by South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson has catapulted the little known congressmen into the new Republican sensation. "With just two words, Joe was able to wrestle the spotlight away from Obama and his fascist communistic plans for a government take over of health care complete with death panels and doctor rationing," said Senator Chuck Grassley.

"You lie" has become the slogan of choice of tea baggers, birthers, evangelicals and conservatives who have been shouting those words at town hall meetings all across America. "It's a heck of a lot more easier to holler "you lie" at them Nazis who want socialized medicine than to yell stuff about why their plan is bad," said Charlie Allen Stoolie of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Thousands of shirts, bumper stickers, and signs have already been sold with the now famous red on black words, "You lie!" emblazoned on the forehead of a picture of Barak Obama.

"I'm really not a hero," Wilson told Sean Hannity during a guest appearance. "It's just that Obama himself gets government health care and he is an illegal alien from Kenya, so when he said his plan would not provide health care for illegals, he was lying."

"Joe Wilson has been treated unfairly by the liberals who have a stranglehold on the media, especially talk shows," said Rush Limbaugh. "All Wilson did was have the courage to call a spade a spade."

What's next for Wilson, who has been dubbed "Joe the Heckler?" How about a presidential run. There is already talk of a Wilson-Palin ticket. "I support Joe because I believe he is the GOP's great white hope, said Representative Lynn Jenkins of Kansas.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


by Robert Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - House Minority Leader John Boehner will introduce a bill to change the national Labor Day holiday to CEO Day. "We've been coddling lazy employees for far too long," Boehner said, "How crazy is it to have a day called Labor Day in which we pay those people for not working?"

The proposed legislation would require all employees to work a double shift for no pay while CEOs would get the day off and an automatic 20% bonus. "The clear message of this bill is for the otherwise unmotivated worker to aspire to reach high and become a CEO," Boehner said.

This bill is a travesty and should be buried somewhere deep," said James Hoffa, Jr., President of the Teamster's. "The Republicans are trying to set the labor movement back to the 1880s." "And what's wrong with that," Boehner responded. "We thought of calling it Cheap Labor Day to honor the corporations who know how to keep labor costs low, but it wouldn't give the incentive needed to get slacking workers to work hard to earn their way up to CEO," Boehner said.

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi said that in the spirit of bipartisanship, she may support the bill. "Thank goodness, the CEO bill doesn't have a public option and besides," Pelosi said, "it would be more honest to honor CEOs as they were the ones who most benefited from our bail out money."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Sunday, September 06, 2009


by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In the biggest mass resignation in history, every member of the Obama administration has resigned. Van Jones, the green jobs czar resigned because he wanted an investigation into a possible governmental role in 911 and on top of that called Republicans a bad name. "I didn't want to cause a distraction to the Obama Presidency," Jones said after being accused by conservatives that he dared question the possibility the government had allowed 911 to happen.

The President said he did not personally ask anyone to resign, but was grateful they did to preserve the chance for a bi-partisan compromise on health care reform. "When the staff asked me if I still had hope I could get Republican support for a meaningful reformation of health care even though they have said 'no' to everything and vowed to make me fail no matter what I did, I said 'yes I can.'"

"I questioned why we attacked Iraq when they had nothing to do with 911," said Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, so I guess I have to quit as that could get Republican's mad." "I wanted to find out why the government performed illegal wire tapping under Bush/Cheney so I guess I'll have to resign to keep the Republicans from constantly demanding my resignation," said Attorney General Eric Holder. "I once told a friend I thought Dick Cheney seemed, you know, a little dark, so I am turning in my resignation for the good of the Obama presidency," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

As it turns out, not only did all of President Obama's administration either question Bush or say something negative about the GOP, but so has every Democrat and Independent American. "It will take some time to find anyone qualified who didn't express a negative thought about Bush or Republicans as even most Republicans have done so," said conservative pundit George Will who replaced Robert Gibbs as Obama's Press Secretary.

"This is a first step at fixing the big mess Obama has gotten us into," said conservative talk show host Glenn Beck, "and this should be a lesson to those communist, perverted liberal low life traitors in the Democrat party that they can't just willy-nilly call their opponents names, because only Republicans can do that."

Among the surprise resignations is that of Vice President Joe Biden who has been replaced by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin who said, "As your new Vice President I can assure you that unlike 'say-anything' Biden, with me it won't be my mouth I'll be shooting off."

Sources close to the President say he may also resign because he had the audacity of being born black in such a racist country. In light of these recent developments, documentarian Ken Burns is going to correct his epic film on the Civil War to show that the South actually won.

for the real news, visit CLG at

by R J Shulman
CRESTWOOD, Missouri - (PTSD News) - Sources say Chuck Barley of Creve Coeur, Missouri will plead the "Inhannity" defense at his trial which is scheduled to begin next month. Biggins, who has been charged with punching Martha Swann, 23 of Desoto, Missouri when she asked Senator Claire McCaskill if she would help her find affordable health insurance at a town hall meeting.

"I didn't mean to punch that lady in the wheelchair," said Barley who has been renamed "Joe the Puncher" by conservatives, "it's just that after listening to Sean Hannity for hours, whenever someone wants health care reform I assume them a Commie and feel it's my job to defend America any way that I can." The Inhannity defense was used successfully by Dwayne Allen Crenshaw of Wheeling, West Virginia who had phoned 17 death threats against the President, but was found not guilty by reason of Inhannity because he watched Fox News for 488 hours straight.

Ms. Swann, who sustained a broken nose and left arm after falling out of her wheelchair, was refused treatment because she had no health insurance. Friends and family are trying to raise funds for her to get medical attention, but have been harassed by groups following them and shouting at people to not give Ms. Swann a handout. "It's just like liberals to make a mountain out of a mole hill as Joe the Puncher and all those patriotic protesters are exercising their First Amendment rights of free speech," said Rush Limbaugh who has called Ms. Swan a "big liar for faking her paralysis to get sympathy for socialized medicine."

The "punch heard round the world as it has become known," due to extensive exposure on You Tube, has divided America mostly along party lines. "How could he hit that defenseless woman," said Mark Santiago a life long Democrat from St. Louis. "It's about time someone stood up for America," said TV talk show host Glenn Beck, "It just makes me want to..." The rest was unintelligible as Beck broke out crying for the next three minutes. Barley has been booked on Hannity, Laura Ingram and thirty other conservative talk shows in the next two weeks.

Barley, as "Joe the Puncher" will be featured in a new ad showing him punching a government bureaucrat who is trying to get between a patient and her doctor.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Friday, September 04, 2009


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - After a week of expressing outrage that President Barak Obama planned to speak to American school children, as an attempt to build an Obama Youth Corp in the model of Hitler Youth, the Republicans have expanded this campaign to stop all of Obama's speeches altogether. "No American should have to listen socialized fascist propaganda if they don't want to," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "Of course it's too late for the traitorous liberal Democrat socialists, but what about the true patriot who is in a car when his dial breaks an he is forced to listen to that Communist Nazi."

"Isn't he happy that he is not working in the fields and has become the White House Negro?" said GOP Acting Chairman, Rush Limbaugh. "Those affirmative action people will never be satisfied."

"Those leftist liberal progressive terrorist loving America hating bigots will try and tell you Obama has a First Amendment right to speak," said talk show host Glenn Beck, "but what about our First Amendment right to shout him down and our Second Amendment Right to shoot him down."

"How dare he try to tell our children about hope and school achievement," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "it would be different, of course, if he read My Pet Goat while we were being attacked or like Regan, told them all about how bad government and taxes are."

To quell the angry attacks about his speech, the Obama Administration has released a transcript of his entire revised script which reads, "Our children are the future." "We think those five simple words can get bipartisan support," said a White House spokesperson. But there may still be opposition to this speech. "More lies from Obama," said Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley, "Our children have no future."

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Thursday, September 03, 2009


by R J Shulman

BENSON, Arizona - (PTSD News) - Cindy Marquez thought she was blessed when she bought a $1.29 bag of flour tortillas at her local Safeway in Benson, a town south east of Tucson. "I had a special feeling," Marquez said, "and lo and behold, the third tortilla from the top had an image of our savior."

For several days hundreds of friends, relatives and strangers from as far away as Los Angeles came to visit Marquez in her home on Apache Lane to view what some have called a minor miracle. However, all of this changed after Marquez was visited by Anderson C. James, an aide to Arizona Sentator Jon Kyl. James said,"I know Jesus and that tortilla image was not Jesus. It's a spitting image of Leon Trotsky." Trotsky was a Russian revolutionary and founder of the Red Army who fell out of favor with Stalin, was exiled to Mexico where he was assassinated by a Soviet agent in 1940.

"Cindy Marquez is definitely a communist spy," said James who called the authorities who quickly arrived and arrested Marquez, "we can't have these illegals crossing the border from Mexico to spread Marxism and a public option for health care." "Thank God, "cried TV host Glenn Beck with tears streaming down his face, "that for dangerous people like this awful woman, Obama has kept Guantanamo open."

As Marquez was being led away by police, she said, "I don't know any Trotsky, but I do know I'm a sixth generation American as my family moved up from Mexico in 1737 when Arizona was still Mexico."

House Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has asked the house to bring impeachment proceedings against President Obama for allowing subversive tortillas on American soil. "This most terrible breach of national security happened on Obama's watch while he was busy taking a vacation," McConnell said. This never would have happened if Bush was still president."

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