STRANGE CREATURE NOT CHUPACABRA, BUT LAST COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE TALK SHOW HOST

by R J Shulman

BLANCO, Texas - (PTSD News) - The owner of a taxidermy school in this small Texas town has received more calls and visitors in the past week than in all the seventeen years he's owned Blanco Taxidermy Academy, as word got out that he was in possession of the body of an odd creature that he found near his property. "I don't know what it is, but I know it's strange," said Jerry Ayer. "It sort of looks half-human, but has this black stuff all over it and feathers like it was some kind of bird."

Word spread quickly that he was in possession of an oddity, prompting hundreds to visit his school to view the strange body. Speculation has been that the creature, about one hundred and eighty pounds, was anything from bigfoot, to an alien to the anti-Christ, but most said it was a chupacabra, a mysterious creature whose name translates roughly from Spanish to "goat sucker."

However, Stockton Waybridge, an anthropologist from the University of Texas, says he's sure the creature is none other than the missing Blake Partridge, a conservative talk show radio host who disappeared from his late night show on talk station KLBJ in Austin three months ago after the station was stormed by an angry crowd demanding Partridge's hide after he said that even though he didn't agree with some of President Obama's views, he should be respected because he was the duly elected president.

"I know it was Partridge," aid Waybridge, "because the black material was tar, the feathers were not grown by this creature, but were taken from several different species of birds and stuck to the body, and of course because after a closer examinaiton, I discovered a KLBJ microphone shoved up his nether parts."

The death of Partridge marks the end of an era," said Michael Harrison of Talkers Magazine a publication dedicated to talk radio industry, "he was the last conservative talk show host who didn't want Obama to fail and have the US attacked by terrorists on his watch so the Democrats could be blamed."

"Good riddance to that vermin," said conservative talk show host Michael Wiener, known to his listeners as Michael Savage, "the thought of a conservative talk show host claiming Obama deserves respect is an affront to every conservative and made me so sick to my stomach, that for a moment I forgot to hate illegal immigrants." "He was obviously an agent of the Soviet Union, sent here to warp the minds of young listeners to turn them into commies and Obama youth fascists," said talker Glenn Beck, "the thought of him saying he was a conservative who wanted American to get along with the rest of the world instead of bombing them to hell just makes me want to cry."

Stanley Marcus, the newly hired program director of KLBJ was thankful that Ayers found out it was Partridge. "At least we get that microphone back," Marcus said.

"It's not chupacabras we should fear," said Henry Worthington, a sociologist from Harvard University. "A chupacabra might suck the blood out of you, but the conservative talk show host of today will actually suck out your soul."

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