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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

By R J Shulman
BEND, Oregon (PTSD News) – Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was injured today when his car was overcome by lava that erupted from little known Mt. Iconic in eastern Oregon. Jindal, who was on an impromptu vacation following his poorly received nationally televised response to President Obama’s budget speech, was flown to Oregon Health and Science University Hospital in Portland where he is listed as in guarded condition.

“It was so weird, like right out of the X files,” said Oregon State trooper Kyle Wallingford who was first on the scene, “a stream of ash and lava came out of nowhere and hit that poor car like it was aiming for it.” Jindal’s Lexus sedan was completely destroyed.

“They should rename Mt. Iconic Mt. Ironic,” said Vancouver, Washington mayor Royce Pollard, “after all, Jindal criticized Obama for having money in the budget to monitor volcanoes and the first time Jindal visits the Northwest, he’s popped by one.”

Timmy Teepell, Governor Jindal’s chief of staff said, “the governor is standing, well lying dwon by his comments. Democrat pork is democrat pork. Wasting money on monitoring volcanoes or lightening strikes is unconscionable when that money should be use to bail out bank executives.” Teepell did say he won’t be accompanying Jindal during a thunderstorm anytime soon.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

By R J Shulman
TOOELE, Utah – (PTSD News) – A new comprehensive study conducted by conservative Prixton Institute claims that homosexuals have significantly increased in numbers, “well beyond our greatest fears since Obama took office,” said Prixton’s Dick Winthrop. “I guess Obama saying ‘yes we can’ really means ‘yes we can turn everyone gay.’” According to the 589 page report, people openly claiming they are gay is up 69% from this time last year.

“Those shameless gays are tapping into our deepest, darkest desires,” said former Senator Larry Craig, “and they keep tapping, tapping, tapping, until we can’t control ourselves.” “I can’t believe how they turn great straight actors gay, like what they did to Sean Penn in Milk,” said Judge Carl Folger, a conservative, appointed to the Third Circuit by George W. Bush, “but nothing is a shameless as Hungdog Millionaire which I’ve had to watch dozens of times to make sure I know the giant size of the filth we are going to be hit with.”

“We are worried sick for our children,” said Utah Senator Chris Buttars. “It’s not the monster under the bed that our kids should be terrified of, it’s the monster who will come out of the closet.” “The homosexual agenda is to recruit god-fearing Republican men to turn gay, such as what they did to Bob Foley and Reverend Haggart,” said Harley Fullers, a conservative representative from Arkansas. “But try as they might, they won’t turn me into a homo, no matter how many fabulous young writhing bodies they keep thrusting at me. Now if those gays would only stop talking about the stimulus package, you know, stimulate this, stimulate that, sweet Jesus and Mary, I’m just too damn stimulated.”

“These hateful homosexuals want special rights we straights don’t have,” said Wayne Proctor, a state senator from South Carolina, “they want happiness after marriage.” “If we don’t act fast enough to stop these fagofascists,” said Rush Limbaugh, “we are sunk. I call for the immediate arrest of Cher and Liza Minnelli and that we ship them to Guantanamo, in separate cells of course.”

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) Like the hapless Abingdon Island Tortoise or the Spix’s McCaw, the Republican party may on its way out. A recent study has shown that Republican supporters are an aging group of balding white men, most likely hooked on pain killers with a bloated sense of self worth. “Don’t listen to those Feminazis telling you the Republican party is in a downward spiral,” said GOP spiritual leader Rush Limbaugh, “with half my brain tied behind my back I control the Republicans. It’s American today, tomorrow the world, my friends, now where the heck are my pills?”

However, there are those in the Republican party who are worried about these recent polls. “We have to reach out to groups not usually voting Republican,” said Michael Steele newly elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, “so we must find ways to reach out to fags, broads, beaners and the coloreds.” “I agree that we need to pitch a big tent,” said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, “so I’ve asked all the brethren to sew their hoods together to enlarge the size of our tent.”

When asked what he thought Republicans should do to avoid going down the path of the dodo bird, Senator John McCain said, “I didn’t know the dodo was extinct.” Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was hesitant to admit the Republicans are endangered. “You know, if you admit that in a certain way a party that you vote for could become more extinct than not, that whole thing might really be saying that you believe in evolution and that is not a good thing, you betcha.” When asked how he would solve the Republican’s slipping numbers, Karl Rove said, “we need to cut more taxes on the rich and then tell Americans that if they don’t vote Republican, that the radical communistic Muslim president that usurped the throne will confiscate their babies and steal their bibles and make them marry a same sex partner who performs abortions.”

Monday, February 23, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD news) - Republican governors are split on whether to take money directed to their states by President’ Obama’s stimulus package. “On one hand we need the cash,” Said Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, “but now that we are out of power and the Dems are in, we have to go back to our strategy of calling for smaller government and accepting this stimulus money goes against that.” “Don’t make me take that money by waving it in my face more than once or twice,” said Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana and considered a front runner in the Republican party for a run for the Presidency in 2012. “It’s just like those satanic democrats to tempt us with cold hard cash,” Governor Sarah Pailn said.

“Republican governors should take the money slated to fix large corporations who are in trouble, you know are short on cash to give out promised top exec bonuses, but should reject unemployment benefits and other money slated to help the poor as it will give them little or no incentive to work,” said Wayne C. Hollis of the Heritage Foundation.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford , has a different take on his choices surround the stimulus package money earmarked for his state. “Besides taking or leaving it, we can secede from the Union.” Sanford stated that he will probably wait until the government check clears before he calls for his state to leave the union.

“In any case whatever you Republican Governors do,” said GOP chief strategist Rush Limbaugh in a conference call with Republican governors, “don’t do anything in your state that could possibly cause any result to be construed that Obama has succeeded at anything.”

Mississippi’s Haley Barbour said that calling for an end to big spending isn’t the only traditional GOP value the party need to return to now that the Democrats are back in power, “we have to emphasize the need for term limits.”

Friday, February 20, 2009

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) Fox News reported that Obama’s trip to Canada was just the first step in his ultimate surrender to terrorists. “Obama’s trip up north less than a month after terrorist Canadian Geese attacked Flight 1549 and forced it to land in the Hudson River shows very poor judgment and a desire to allow America to become a second rate power.”

“Obama’s appeasement actions toward the Canadians has only emboldened the enemy,” said Glenn Beck, “and the symbolism is clear, Obama’s support of the Canadians shows his disdain for our troops by supporting a country with all those Frenchies who we know like to surrender, yes there is that surrender word again.”

“While the Canadian axis of evil is pushing tainted prescription drugs on Americans and infiltrating our American hockey teams, Obama is playing footsie in Ottawa with those socialist Canadians who hate North America,” said Bill O’Reilly. “How does it feel you guys and gals who voted for Obama,” Sarah Palin said on Hannity’s program, “now that Obama has shown his true colors and those are the red colors of the Communistic maple leaf.”

Thursday, February 19, 2009

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – New York Post cartoonist Sean Delonas doesn’t monkey around when it comes to stirring up controversy. In his cartoon, a cop is holding a smoking gun as he tells another officer as they both stand over the bullet ridden body of a dead chimp, “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.” Civil rights activist Al Sharpton claimed the chimp symbolized President Obama, who wrote the stimulus bill and as such, the image evoked over 200 years of racist depictions of blacks as monkeys or apes.

Cartoonist Delonas said, “calling me a racist is ludicrous. I wish those darkies would stop being such over sensitive Negroes.” “What is their problem?” said Sean Hannity, “it wasn’t like Howard Cosell saying look at that monkey go about some black running back. It’s just the cartoonist referring to Obama by saying look at that monkey write a stimulus bill.”
“The cartoon couldn’t have been about Obama,” said James Carlton of the Heritage Foundation, “because a cartoon inherently can’t be about Obama because Obama is just not funny.”

“That cartoon really scared me because it proved that Obama is really trying to take our guns away,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly. “Why are the Democrats angry about this,” said Wayne DeWitt of Wichita, Kansas. “I thought the chimp was Bush because I watch Fox News and didn’t they say Bush was made President for life?”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin weighed in on the cartoon controversy by saying, “I always wanted to see if it was true that chimp meat tastes likes chicken.”

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In a move to help the ailing American auto industry, President Barack Obama named racing legend Dale Earnhart as his car czar. When he was told that Earnhardt had been killed in a racing accident in 2001, Obama said, “So what? Detroit is dead and we gave them a bundle of money anyway.”

Dale’s widow, Teresa and son Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will be heading up the newly formed WWDD or What Would Dale Do Foundation to make sure that decisions regarding the auto industry would reflect what the elder Earnhardt would have suggested to Detroit automakers. “We are going to bring back the muscle car like the Plymouth Duster and AMC Barracuda,” said Earnhardt, Jr., “except the Barracuda will be renamed the Hillary.” Mrs. Earnhardt said,“we will make sure all Chryslers have rich Corinthian leather again, and bring in a new glorious American car renaissance in which ginormous Packards and Hudsons will once again dominate the American roads.”

The Earnhardts haven’t said that they will call for a new and improved Edsel as some have speculated, but they have plans to resurrect the Pinto and Corvair to “show those Japanese and Koreans just how to build a great small car.”

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) - While every other so-called modern educated country has long since embraced Darwin’s theory of evolution, Americans seem to be going the other way. According to the most recent ABC-TV news poll, for the first time in over ninety years, as many people profess belief in creationism as do those who believe in evolution. “At this rate of de-evolution by 2038, Americans will start to grow gills and lose the use of their legs,” said Calvin Hopkins, a Yale University biologist.

“The steady increase of public school boards substituting creationism for evolution is frightening,” said Claire Dottweiler of the National Education Foundation, “but not as frightening as having George W. Bush as the standard bearer for the theory of intelligent design.” Former President Bush said, “I am pleased as a punch bowl that I could convince people that science was a four letter word and that evolution couldn’t be true because that would mean that I was uncle to some monkey.”

“We are quite thankful that our prayers have been answered by the Lord who has opened people’s eyes to the need for faith based science,” said Reverend James Dobson. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, as strong foe of evolution was asked what proof she had that Darwin was wrong. She replied, “I’ll look that up and get back to ya.”

“If we don’t reverse this trend toward creationism,” said Mitchell Singleton a science professor at Stanford University, “critical thinking my soon become extinct.”


Monday, February 16, 2009

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – Fox News has reported that President Obama’s stimulus package was actually drafted by Lucifer himself. “They usually say that the devil is in the details,” said Bill O’Reilly, “but in this case the Devil wrote those details.”

“This bill is pure evil,” said House Minority Leader, John Boehner of Ohio, “It takes away your guns and gives them to gays who can hold your beloved minister at gunpoint and force him to simultaneously perform a gay marriage and an abortion at the same time.” “Under this satanic bill,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “they will confiscate your bibles and give them to Muslims who will force the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to put on berkas.”

“This filthy piece of legislation provides that the diseased unwashed illegal aliens can throw you out of your house faster than a foreclosing bank, and force you to live in the illegals’ broken down vans,” said talk show host Michael Savage, “and I won’t mince words here, no less than 37 of you will have to live in those rusty roach infested vehicles.”

The bill sparked a debate between talk show host Sean Hannity and Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. “This bill is so Communistic, Marx and Lennin would turn capitalistic on the spot,” Hannity said. “And what is worse is that it forces you to give your hard earned money to the terrorists in the middle east just to buy gas for your car.” “We already do that,” Senator Sanders reminded Hannity. “OK,” replied Hannity, “this bill will cause your first born male child to be called into service in Satan’s army.” “Chaney already did that with the Iraq war,” Sanders replied.

President Obama is scheduled to sign the stimulus package into law early this week.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

By R J Shulman
ST. PAUL, Minnesota – (PTSD News) – Minnesota election officials said they should finish the vote count in the state’s hotly contested senatorial contest by November 2014, just in time for the next election. “Norm Coleman has us so tied up with his court challenges, that it will take that long to complete the vote counting process,” said Fern Swanson of the Minnesota Election Board.

Al Franken has had to raise over five million dollars just to cover the court costs needed to answer Coleman’s numerous challenges. Franken was declared the winner by 225 votes by the election board last month, but Coleman, funded by the Republican National Committee and by large corporations has taken advantage of Minnesota’s arcane voting laws to issue a string of challenges. “We have a system here in Minnesota where all of our voting challenges are above average,” said Garrison Keillor popular host of A Prairie Home Companion.

Coleman has defended his actions as being necessary to counter bad behavior exhibited by the Democrats. “First, they were sore losers in Florida asking for a recount when Bush won,” Coleman said, “now the hypocritical Democrats don’t want a recount when they are sore winners. Somebody has got to call them to task that they are nothing more than a bunch of sore heads.”

Colman’s exhaustive efforts to block Franken from taking his senate seat have been strongly supported by Fox’s Bill O’Reilly. “Coleman is a real America hero,” O’Reilly said, “think of the many lives he is saving of those innocent people I would be killing on a wild rampage if I were forced to say ‘Senator Franken.’”

Friday, February 13, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – GOP party leader Rush Limbaugh has convinced Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid that bipartisanship is the noble way to conduct business, even when the Democrats are in power. Reid said that he is very happy to compromise with the Republicans in the spirit of working together to solve the country’s problems.

“The Democrats have all this Kumbayah on the brain,” Limbaugh said, “and such a need to be nicey, nice, that they don’t see what’s coming. They have unwittingly allowed us to water down the stimulus package so much that it will fail altogether. Then we can blame Obama and the Democrats for its failure and that will be our strategy to retake Congress in 2010 and when we do, see if we have any idea what the word bipartisan means.”

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

By R J Shulman
TUCSON, Arizona – (PTSD News) – Ron Staeger, chairman of the Arizona based Deport Illegal Immigrants Now or DII Now is calling for Congress to do whatever it takes to derail Obama’s stimulus package and any other plan to jump start the economy. “For the first time perhaps ever, the catastrophic state of the American economy has made it pointless for anyone to come here looking for work,” Staeger said, “which means that illegal immigration is finally under control.”

Tom Tankredo, former Republican representative from Colorado and noted immigration foe, agreed, “The last thing we need if for America to become the land of opportunity again.” “If we do anything at all,” Staeger said, “we need to cut all taxes to the rich, deregulate completely and do more of what we have done in the past eight years to destroy the economy.”

“That moron Bush was really a genius,” said talk show host Michael Savage, “who knew that a guy who basically shut down the English language would be the one to shut down the border.”

Recent statistics seem to support DII Now and Savage’s theories that a bad economy is good for border control. Since 2003, illegal immigration is down 95%. However, the dire US economy has spawned a new phenomenon – formerly well to do white mortgage brokers illegally crossing the border into Mexico looking for work. “This is a problema enorme,” said Fermin Gonzales, of Servicio Migratorio, the Mexican immigration agency, “We must put an end to these ‘broke backs’ as we call the mortgage brokers who are sneaking illegally into our country to, how you say suck up all of our precious resources.”

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the Republican party will ask Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger to run as their presidential candidate. “America is looking for a real hero who did something heroic,” said acting GOP party chairman Rush Limbaugh, referring to Sullenberger’s miraculous landing of Flight 1549 in the Hudson River, “America doesn’t need a blow hard who is good with words, but has never been tested in a crisis. We don’t need a “yes we can” when we can have a “yes we did.”

Not only does the GOP have designs to run Sullenberger as their candidate, they have filed suit to have the November results voided and have a new election. “There is nothing in the Constitution that says you can’t void and election and have a new one if you find a true hero after the voting is over.” said GOP attorney Ted Olson.

“It’s a relief to finally have a plan for the future instead of just trying to obstruct Obama,” said Newt Gingrich. “Polls show Sullenberger has a 90% approval rating.” “I think it would be fun, you betcha, to pal around with the captain to gather up votes,” said Sarah Palin, “as long as he knows he is the vice presidential candidate.”

“When asked what he thought about running for president, Sullenberger said he had not heard of the offer, but said it would be easier to land a plane in a volcano full of molten lava that to go to Washington and try to clean up that mess.

Monday, February 09, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – Leading Republicans warned the American public that passage of Obama’s stimulus package would lead to “a disaster of biblical proportions.” “If Obama succeeds and the economy improves,” said Senator Shelby of Alabama, “that would be cataclysmic for Republican hopes of shifting the blame for the economic crisis from us to the Democrats.”

Thus, the GOP has focused its efforts on turning Obama’s proposed stimulus package away from one about jobs, unemployment relief and infrastructure improvements to more tax cuts for big business and the wealthy. “We know that big breaks for the rich and deregulation caused the mess we are in,” said Senator McCain, “so we want to make sure there is plenty of the same in Obama’s plan so he can share the blame for the economic catastrophe. Blinding stupidity should be bi-partisan.”

“We can’t expect our grandchildren’s grandchildren to pay for these jobs, hospitals, schools and bridges,” Shelby said, “when they will have to pay for the Iraq war and Wall Street bonuses first.”

“I am pleased to see that our congressional Republicans know what all of you ditto heads already know,” said Republican chief strategist Rush Limbaugh to his radio audience, “and that is that the single most important issue facing American in these economically perilous times is to see to it that Obama fails, even if it means that every American becomes destitute and starves to death in the process.”

Saturday, February 07, 2009

By R J Shulman
PIQUA, Ohio – (PTSD News) – Several hundred anonymous plaintiffs have filed a class action lawsuit against Sarah Palin for “deliberately and with malice deprived us of our fifteen minutes of fame.” “After the defeat of the McCain/Palin ticket, Sarah should have faded gently into that good night,” said attorney Sol Lefkowitz, “but she has continued to stick her vapid, pseudo folksy persona all over the place. Having long since used up her fifteen minutes, she has been stealing my clients’ fame time at a sickening pace.”

“If she hadn’t taken my moments of fame,” said John Doe #3, one of the plaintiffs, “I wouldn’t have to go by the name of John Doe #3.”

“Sarah Palin is quite remarkable in that she is so unremarkable yet has been able to stay in the spotlight,” said Billy Laverne of People Magazine. “She has stolen so many minutes of fame from others that you might say she is the Bernie Madoff of notoriety.”

“There seems to be merit to this lawsuit,” said Constitutional scholar McKinley Davidson of Columbia University, “having your time in the spotlight is part of the pursuit of happiness which is guaranteed by the Constitution and Ms. Palin has apparently violated that sacred trust.”
Sarah Palin has fired back at those who have sued her, calling them “part of an extremist group of elitists that hate America and pal around with terrorists.” When asked why she should still be in the limelight, Palin said, “I’ll have to look that one up and get back ta ya.”

Friday, February 06, 2009

By R J Shulman
MIDLAND, Texas (PTSD News) – Former President George W. Bush told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that he doesn’t miss the Oval Office because “all that hard, hard work got in the way of my vacation time. When you are the decider you live your life under a telescope,” Bush said, “as everyone comes after you as a target, like the terrorists did on 911 when I was trying to read about that pet goat, or a hurricane attacking when you want to play air guitar, and the economy messing with you when you’re trying to give no-bid contracts to your friends. Life shouldn’t be complicatious, but should be as easy as shooting monkeys in a barrel.”

The former commander in chief says he is enjoying the simple in life like “putting food on my family and watching Obama, who has ruinicated the good condition I left the country into so bad that he won’t be having a vacation anytime soon.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

By R J Shulman
JUNEAU, Alaska – (PTSD News) – Sarah Palin struck back today at actress Ashley Judd who is the spokesperson for a campaign by the Wildlife Action Fund that took issue with Governor Palin’s support of a controversial program that permits the arial shooting of wolves. “It’s not only important for us to kill the wolves so our tourists have more moose and caribou to kill because the wolves would have killed them,” said Palin, “so it just kills me that this extremist fringe group of east coast eggheads wants to kill our program.”

Governor Palin had offered $150 for every wolf right foreleg that was presented to her. “It’s makes sense that now I will offer a reward for the right hand of Ashley Judd or a leg will do, I guess.” When asked if her actions were bloodthirsty and a bit barbaric, Palin said, “I’ll have to get back to ya on that one.”

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Barack Obama announced today that he may have to shut down government because he cannot find candidates to fill cabinet and other posts who have not made mistakes in paying their taxes. This comes after former Senator Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to head of the department of Health and Human Services and Nancy Killifer withdrew her nomination to be President Barack Obama’s Chief Performance Officer due to tax problems.

“I realized that Timothy Geithner as Treasury Secretary was the last appointed that we could allow who was tax return challenged,” Obama said. “I really goofed to think I could find candidates for my administration who knew how to pay taxes correctly. As soon as I discovered this problem, I had a large staff trying to find people who had paid their correct taxes, but the staff ran into trouble,” Obama said. “First, they couldn’t find anyone who had never made a mistake on their taxes and second, they had to fire themselves because they had all paid the wrong taxes sometime in their life.”

“Obama has his work cut out for him,” said Warren Parton of the Sterling Foundation, “there may be no one in the whole country who has paid their taxes correctly.” However the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the new Secretary of Health and Human Services may be someone who sources say has actually paid the right amount of taxes, and that someone is Dr. Jack Kavorkian. “If his taxes are correct,” said a top Obama aide, “Kavorkian will be uniquely qualified for the Health and Human Services job and the Senate should confirm him by the end of the week.”

Monday, February 02, 2009

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – A group of GOP senators, led by Florida’s Mel Martinez have constructed their own alternative to President Obama’s stimulus package. “We’ve cut the pork,” Martinez said. “Our package will not waste taxpayer money on the infrastructure and jobs, wasteful unemployment insurance and shameful food stamps, but rather concentrate on tax cuts. In fact, we will completely eliminate taxes for anyone who makes over $250,000 per year and give large bonuses to anyone over making over $4 million.”

“Bush’s tax cuts were working just fine until Obama caused the economy to tank,” said Martinez. “Any student of history can see the parallel of how Hoover’s tax cuts were driving a successful economy until FDR caused the great depression.”

“Democrats selfishly stopped the ultimate success of Reagan’s trickle-down theory because they have waged their class war against the rich,” said Fred Freidman of the University of Chicago, “This has kept the wealthy from amassing the amount of wealth needed to start that downward dribble toward the common man.”

“The cure for this economy will be these tax cuts,” said Grover Norquist. “In fact, tax cuts are the cure for everything. If the economy is good, cut taxes – if the economy is bad, cut taxes – if you are at war, cut taxes – if you are at peace, cut taxes, in fact, if you suffer from erectile dysfunction, cut taxes.”

Senator John McCain has not said whether he will support the Republican bill, but definitely will not vote for the President’s stimulus package. “This whole discussion is a waste of time because basics of the economy are fundamentally sound.”

“I am not in favor of any package, unless it contains my oxycontin,” said GOP chief strategist and talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “All I care about is that Obama fail.”