GOP MAY BE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) Like the hapless Abingdon Island Tortoise or the Spix’s McCaw, the Republican party may on its way out. A recent study has shown that Republican supporters are an aging group of balding white men, most likely hooked on pain killers with a bloated sense of self worth. “Don’t listen to those Feminazis telling you the Republican party is in a downward spiral,” said GOP spiritual leader Rush Limbaugh, “with half my brain tied behind my back I control the Republicans. It’s American today, tomorrow the world, my friends, now where the heck are my pills?”

However, there are those in the Republican party who are worried about these recent polls. “We have to reach out to groups not usually voting Republican,” said Michael Steele newly elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, “so we must find ways to reach out to fags, broads, beaners and the coloreds.” “I agree that we need to pitch a big tent,” said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, “so I’ve asked all the brethren to sew their hoods together to enlarge the size of our tent.”

When asked what he thought Republicans should do to avoid going down the path of the dodo bird, Senator John McCain said, “I didn’t know the dodo was extinct.” Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was hesitant to admit the Republicans are endangered. “You know, if you admit that in a certain way a party that you vote for could become more extinct than not, that whole thing might really be saying that you believe in evolution and that is not a good thing, you betcha.” When asked how he would solve the Republican’s slipping numbers, Karl Rove said, “we need to cut more taxes on the rich and then tell Americans that if they don’t vote Republican, that the radical communistic Muslim president that usurped the throne will confiscate their babies and steal their bibles and make them marry a same sex partner who performs abortions.”