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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

By R J Shulman
TOOELE, Utah – (PTSD News) – A new comprehensive study conducted by conservative Prixton Institute claims that homosexuals have significantly increased in numbers, “well beyond our greatest fears since Obama took office,” said Prixton’s Dick Winthrop. “I guess Obama saying ‘yes we can’ really means ‘yes we can turn everyone gay.’” According to the 589 page report, people openly claiming they are gay is up 69% from this time last year.

“Those shameless gays are tapping into our deepest, darkest desires,” said former Senator Larry Craig, “and they keep tapping, tapping, tapping, until we can’t control ourselves.” “I can’t believe how they turn great straight actors gay, like what they did to Sean Penn in Milk,” said Judge Carl Folger, a conservative, appointed to the Third Circuit by George W. Bush, “but nothing is a shameless as Hungdog Millionaire which I’ve had to watch dozens of times to make sure I know the giant size of the filth we are going to be hit with.”

“We are worried sick for our children,” said Utah Senator Chris Buttars. “It’s not the monster under the bed that our kids should be terrified of, it’s the monster who will come out of the closet.” “The homosexual agenda is to recruit god-fearing Republican men to turn gay, such as what they did to Bob Foley and Reverend Haggart,” said Harley Fullers, a conservative representative from Arkansas. “But try as they might, they won’t turn me into a homo, no matter how many fabulous young writhing bodies they keep thrusting at me. Now if those gays would only stop talking about the stimulus package, you know, stimulate this, stimulate that, sweet Jesus and Mary, I’m just too damn stimulated.”

“These hateful homosexuals want special rights we straights don’t have,” said Wayne Proctor, a state senator from South Carolina, “they want happiness after marriage.” “If we don’t act fast enough to stop these fagofascists,” said Rush Limbaugh, “we are sunk. I call for the immediate arrest of Cher and Liza Minnelli and that we ship them to Guantanamo, in separate cells of course.”


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