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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

by R J Shulman   

SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – Everybody knows that guns don’t kill people, people do and the people who kill people by using guns to kill people are gun owners, except perhaps the ones who stole guns, but then again everybody knows that possession is nine-tenths of the law, so maybe they are gun owners, too.  Now gun owners who speak out about keeping their rights to own guns always point out that they are responsible gun owners, but then how do you differentiate them from the irresponsible gun owners?  OK, maybe you could require thorough background checks, and closing gun show loopholes so irresponsible gun owners can’t get guns there, or collecting and sharing information about irresponsible tendencies of people who might be suffering from mental illnesses or information about people who have caused domestic violence, but wait, the gun owners who call themselves responsible are against all that government intrusion into their Second Amendment rights, so what do we do?   I guess we can let the bullets fly where they may and have the police and other officials figure things out. But wait, many of those gun owners vote Republican and Republicans are for big spending cuts and having way smaller government and many even think the so called sequester sort of thing is OK as it is basically cuts with no new taxes and will cut down on government spending as most of these responsible gun owners believe in smaller government, heck it seems like they think that government is basically a waste of taxpayer money and should be shrunk down so far as to be drowned in a bathtub, so with all these cuts, there won’t be enough police and government officials to sort out the mess after we let the bullets fly.  So maybe, after the bullets fly where they may, we can have God sort it all out, but wait, there is a problem with this God thing which I will get to in a minute, but first maybe it is best if we figure out who these responsible gun owners should be.  So let’s start with the most populous category of gun owner, because remember it is the gun owner who kills people and not the gun, so this most populous category of gun owner is angry white men.  So maybe we should ask if angry white men should be allowed to be responsible gun owners.  I guess the answer is yes as they are the ones who talk most about the need to protect the rights of responsible gun owners and are the most knowledgeable about the Second Amendment.  So the angry white man as responsible gun owner is A-OK.  So the next logical question is whether responsible gun owners should be angry black men.  Well, judging from how the angry white man has reacted to a black man in the white house, probably not.  See how complicated this gun issues is?  It is certainly not a black and white issue or maybe it is.  This is all so frustrating.  I am getting a headache.  Now to take it a logical step further, should angry gays be allowed to be responsible gun owners now that they can get proper training on how to use military grade weapons since they are now allowed in the military without asking or telling.  Oh, my, this is a pickle. Here we have guns, gays, God and government.  There are so many Gs here that I might just gag.  Now this headache is getting so much worse.  So let’s get back to the issue of whether when we let the bullets fly where they may, do we let God sort things out?  Well, if the answer is yes, then the question becomes whose God do we let decide?  I don’t think it would be the Muslim God or some God of a minority group, because in a democracy it should be the God of the most populous gun owner group, so it would be the God of the angry white man.  But his God says that you can be a completely irresponsible gun owner and take your guns and massacre little children and as long as you accept Jesus as your Lords and Savior just moments before you blow your brains out, you get to go to Heaven, while this God of the angry white man says that if you are a responsible gun owner who is properly trained on how to use your gun, keep it properly locked up when not in use, and have used it for responsible gun owner purposes like target shooting, keeping it as a collector’s item, or shooting something to feed your family or killed marauding zombies, but you forgot to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior before you die in your bed after a life of saintly good deeds, you will go straight to Hell.  So what we are saying in this instance is that according to this God of the angry white man, the one in this example who kills people, because remember guns don’t kill people, people do, well this murder gets forgiven and gets to go to the great hereafter to be with his loved ones, Jesus, Mother Mary and any dog he owned, but the responsible gun owner who didn’t kill people or otherwise be irresponsible with his gun, gets a ticket straight to Satan’s scalding Lake of Fire for eternity.  Wow, this makes my head spin so much that this headache I have has gotten to be unbearable.  I must find a quick way to end this intolerable pain.  I have got to stop all this agony, quick.  I know what I can do…. Damn, I am completely screwed here because at this moment, when I need the most to be one, I am not a gun owner, responsible or otherwise.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service)  - The count is in and it is official, last month’s Gun Appreciation Day saw only 22 gun murders nationwide, less than the usual average 30 per day and a mere 38 gun owners shot themselves to death, significantly down from the normal 53 per day.  However, if you are kicking yourself because you did not fully appreciate gun appreciation day, you may live to appreciate another day.  In fact, the following nationally recognized days coming in the next few months could be just for you:

·         March 1st – Knife Appreciation Day
·         March 18th – Fist Admiration Day
·         April 3rd – Bat and Tire Iron Appreciation Day
·         May 4th - Grenade Gratitude Day
·         June 13th – Blunt Instrument Thankfulness Day
·         July 9th – Push Someone Down the Stairs Day

The organizers of Kindness Appreciation Day, National Day of Forgiveness, and Love Thy Neighbor Day have admitted defeat in their efforts to raise their causes to a national day of celebration.   “No matter how much we tried, we could not get any traction with the American people to celebrate kindness, forgiveness or love,” said Heather Church an organizer for several causes including National People Appreciation Day, which also failed to take hold.  “I guess these ideas involve feelings that Americans find too French or too gay.”

In a related story, this year’s Earth Day celebrations have been canceled due to inclement weather.  The Farmers’ Almanac has predicted that on April 22nd, there will be a super storm hitting the Northeast, record high temperatures in the Southwest, tornadoes in the Midwest, earthquakes in Pennsylvania, a tsunami in Hawaii, a hurricane in Kansas and severe bigotry in the South. 

Friday, February 08, 2013

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – President Obama has released his so-called white paper that justifies drone strikes on American citizens.  “The use of drones to eliminate dangerous and undesirable American citizens must be used most sparingly,” the paper states, “and can only be used against Americans who are white supremacists, racists, right-wing religious fanatics, preppers, survivalists and other gun nuts, people who misspell protest signs while dressed in phony Revolutionary War garb, bitter people who cling to their guns and religion, and anyone who believes that Fox News is really news.”

The paper states that the vast majority of Americans should not be concerned about any future drone attacks on them, unless, they of course fit into one of the ignorant, paranoid, hate-filled categories that were mentioned above.

The white paper also indicated that the new technically sophisticate STYA (Smarter Than Your Ass) drones that will be targeting only bigots and haters will be equipped with new hate sensor technology.  President Obama said that his drone policy is that “if you hate, you will get a rocket ride straight to hell’s gate.  Who needs death panels,” Obama said, “when I can simply phone in a drone.”