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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney will be unable to attend the Republican National Convention as scheduled due to concerns about Hurricane Gustav that threatens the Gulf Coast. President Bush was scheduled to speak on Monday.

“The liberal press will seize the effects of this tragic storm to spread their lies that the GOP is happy that Bush and Cheney will not speak at the Convention due to their low approval ratings,” said Karl Rove. “But that is as false as all the other accusations that I have ever done anything wrong.”

“I am blown away by the great loss of me not being able to speechicate at the Convention in the twin cities of Wisconsin,” the President said, “but now that Hurricane Katrina has come back, I need to be there for the people of the Croissant City that I love so much.” The President will spend Monday keeping an eye on the storm from his ranch in Crawford as he entertains a couple of yet unnamed Country and Western singers.

Vice President Dick Cheney will view the events from a bunker somewhere in Wyoming. “It is with great sadness that I will have to forego my Convention appearance,” Cheney said. “But duty calls me to be far, far away so I can be ready for the storm preparation and ready for any surprises that should come in October.”

Hundreds of residents of New Orleans and surrounding areas have been evacuated in an operation that, so far has run smoothly. “We are more prepared this time,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. “This time we are supplying evacuees an electronic armband with essential information to make this exodus successful. We put the information into the chip on the bracelet, information such as those people’s name, address, social security number and their political party preference so we can make sure they end up at the proper destination.”

Saturday, August 30, 2008

By R J Shulman
MINNEAPOLIS – Sources close to the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee say John McCain will show American just what a maverick his by breaking tradition of wearing a suit and tie while giving his acceptance speech. “When he made that ditzy pick of the unknown and untested Sarah Palin as his VP against our advice, we thought his political career was over,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign. “But the press went wild, giving John kudos and calling him a maverick all over again, so we will now milk that maverick pony all the way to the White House.” Sources have indicated that McCain is almost done with his speech which will have nothing to do with the Presidency or even the United States as it will be an hour long description of the migration of Canadian Geese and how that effects the price of cheesecake in New York City.

In a move to further enhance his reputation as a maverick, McCain aids indicated that the Arizona Senator will try to distance himself from the Bush Administration by acting in an opposite manner from what they are doing. “If Bush clears brush from his ranch in Crawford,” Vince Manning of the McCain campaign team said, “then McCain will put brush back onto one of his properties and when McCain goes out hunting with a buddy, he won’t be like Cheney who shot his friend, instead, McCain will shoot himself in the face.”

“It may not be as good as an all out knock-down drag out fight between Hillary and Barack,” said Brian Williams of NBC, “but now that it’s ‘Anything can Happen Day” with McCain, that should prove to be great entertainment value.

An upbeat McCain seems bolstered by the praise he has received for his maverick pick of Alaska Governor Palin. “I am ready to be President on day one,” McCain told a crowd in Indiana yesterday, “and on day one I will name a pony to my cabinet and bomb the heck out of England. Now that’s a maverick for you.”

“We are just going to let John do and say whatever pops into his head,” Davis said, “if what he ends up doing is so crazy that the maverick label doesn’t stick, we can always fall back on the excuse that anyone who criticizes McCain is a traitor because they shouldn’t be blaming him because he was a prisoner of war.”

Friday, August 29, 2008

R J Shulman
DENVER – Who could have thought that burying the hatchet could have brought on so many tears. That is apparently what has happened when Hillary Clinton m
ade it clear she was throwing her full support behind Barak Obama. “There wasn’t a dry eye on radio row, after Hillary and Bill’s speeches” said national radio talk show host Stephanie Miller, “and it had nothing to do with being moved by their words. It was that they realized the fight was over.”

“I could have sworn that Hillary was going to lead a rebellion of her delegates at the convention,” said Chris Matthews. “I was certain Hillary would have whipped those old broads into a frenzy, or had Bill duke it out with Obama,” said Rush Limbaugh, “but instead of watching a real feminazi riot, there was so much kumbayah, I had to pop a bus load of pills just to get through the night”

We had counted on those two Dems punching it out well into the 21st Century,” said Sean Hannity of Fox, “but it looks like now we will have to talk about McCain and that is a ratings disaster.” “This is a major media catastrophe,” said Brian Williams of NBC, “without the Hillary/Barak battle of the Democrat Stars, we may have to talk about the issues.” Officials from all the networks conceded that without the fight they expect lower viewer totals. “To keep the viewers, we have to keep insisting this is a neck and neck race or else they will tune us out like we are soulless pandering maggots who will do anything for ratings and to preserved the profits of our parent corporations,” said Les Moonvess of CBS.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

By R J Shulman
DAYTON, Ohio – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain will announce that he has chosen Dr. Jack Kevorkian as his running mate. He will make the announcement at an Ohio rally on Friday.

“The Conservative base of the party was very upset at the thought of John choosing former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge or Senator Joe Lieberman because they were too liberal and not tough enough for their taste,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “so we are excited about John’s choice and believe we have a winner in Dr. Kevorkian. “Other than wanting every stem cell to be born,” said Jerome Slydell of the Rand Research Institute, “today’s conservatives favor death. They overwhelmingly support the death penalty, either handed out by a court or by other means, such as death by war, death preferred to government provided health care, death to political enemies, preferring workers die on the job due to unsafe working conditions rather than have government safety regulations. The list goes on. Kevorkian is the natural choice.”

They wanted to continue the winning combination of the current administration,” said Carl Adamson of the Heritage Foundation. “McCain is a charming nitwit just like Bush and now Dr. Kevorkian, well, anything to do with death is just like Cheney.” Michael Peltis of the Washington Post agrees, “Cheney symbolizes a tough guy driving around in a humvee leaving dead bodies in his wake, while Dr. Kevorkian does the same thing with a van. The advantage here for McCain is that he can show he wants to conserve energy, as the van gets better gas mileage than the Hummer.” Political pundits also believe Kevorkian is a wise choice that will help move the doctor’s home state of Michigan into the McCain camp.

Another reason John likes Dr. Kevorkian who recently got out of jail for his part in an assisted suicide” a McCain spokesperson said, “is that John can relate to anyone who was held as a prisoner. In any case, we now think this ticket is strong enough to scare the Democrats to death.”

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

By R J Shulman
DENVER, Colorado –Senator Hillary Clinton released her delegates Wednesday afternoon, allowing those that had been pledged to her the freedom to vote for whomever they choose. She also took the opportunity to take a swipe at the Republicans by challenging President Bush to release political prisoners at Guantanamo.

“If I can release my delegates, and you know how hard I fought for them,” Clinton said, “then the President can certainly release detainees held in Guantanamo, those where there is little or no hard evidence they did anything wrong.” This move by Clinton it seen as a method to point out the differences on the issue of freedom between the two parties.

“Allowing her delegates to go free is a dangerous precedent for America’s national security,” said Rudy Giuliani into a megaphone as he marched on Fifth Avenue in New York wearing a shirt that read, We will never forget 9-11’s Mayor. Giuliani said it was a national shame that Clinton had been hoodwinked into “sympathizing with the terrorists we thankfully have locked up at Guantanamo.”

President Bush called Senator Clinton’s request to release prisoners “a shameful misusification of the war on terror for political reasons. As a popular war President I would never stupefy so low as to use fear, hatred and war to build the political capital I need to be that popular war President that I became. So we won’t grant releasification of any of those prisoners no matter how innocent they may be.” McCain responded by saying, “being the maverick that I am, I agree with everything President Bush said.”

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Countering criticism that John McCain is out of touch with most Americans, the Arizona Senator struck back. He told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “while the average Joe is sitting in his kitchen counting his money to see if he can pay his mortgage, this average John is sitting in one of his kitchens counting his houses to see if he can answer a reporter’s question.”

“I am really more like the guy down the street than Obama, especially on this street,” McCain said, “and I am more like the typical guy who has to ask his wife to borrow a few bucks to pay for a six-pack as he spent all his money at the gas pump, as I have to ask my wife to borrow a few beer trucks to come to the house because I forgot to put gas in the SUV.”

“Obama is out of touch with what America wants,” McCain said, “as he has no clue that Americans overwhelming support the war in Iraq, think the economy is going great, think we have the greatest health care system in the world, hate gays, and can’t wait for the next Rock Hudson/Doris Day movie to hit the local drive in so they can drive over in their new American made Studebaker while listening to Steppenwolf on their 8-track player.” McCain concluded by saying the Democrats are hopelessly stuck in the 60’s with all this talk of “a new John Kennedy and Camelot and peace and love. I am the one in touch with modern America. For example, my friends, I’ve just hooked up my Betamax tape player and can’t wait to see the new John Wayne movie.”

Monday, August 25, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – As the Democratic Party Convention opens today in Denver, the Republicans are countering with a new campaign strategy to neutralize any momentum Barack Obama might try and generate from the Colorado festivities. The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the memo which sets forth the new Republican strategy.

Highly confidential - proprietary information
DATE: AUGUST 25, 2008

As you all know, the last time the Democrats won the White House it was due in large part to the clever Clinton people coming up with the slogan, “It’s the economy, stupid.” We won the White House back with “It’s the stupid, stupid,” the idea Americans wanted a cuddly but dumb President, a guy just as moronic as the guy you would sit and have a beer with. McCain is just not that cuddly. As a matter of fact, the less the American people know about the flip-flopping, war mongering, anger driven, over the hill McCain, the better. So in order to get this race close enough to steal, we have to make this campaign about how bad Obama is and that McCain is not Obama. Hence the slogan – It’s the Obama, stupid.”

Here’s our plan:
1. We must try and convince the American people that Obama is a Muslim with a bad Christian preacher – I don’t have to tell how hard it will be to overcome that kind of logic, but Fox News has us halfway there.
2. Convince those angry white females that Obama stole it from Hillary and that she still has a chance – again, this keeps the focus off McCain
3. Keep hinting to America that Obama is an angry black man, without direct reference to race – use words like – “uppity” or “those people” as in “95% of those people will vote for him because he’s their kind, kind of candidate, that is.”
4. Portray Obama, the guy who grew up in poverty and worked his way through Harvard as the elitist, and not McCain, the guy who owns untold houses and who married a beer heiress. Again should be impossible, but Fox has us halfway there.
5. Convince the Americans that Obama is the flip flopper, even though it’s been McCain who’s flopped more than a beached school of fish
6. Convince them Obama is for the same power structure in Washington and that it’s McCain who’s the maverick, even though he voted with Bush 95% of the time – again, the media is helping us with this one
7. Saying Obama is responsible for the high price of oil for opposing unrestricted drilling, and as such, Obama’s position is worse than that of “drill anywhere” McCain who’s supported Bush’s disastrous energy policy that has increased our dependence on foreign oil
8. Saying the real candidate for hope and change in not Obama, but McCain – we are still working on this one.
9. Saying Obama is bad for America because he won’t sing the national anthem with his hand over his heart, and for America to ignore that McCain sings “Bomb-bomb-bomb Iran,” with his hand on the button.

Again, if this election has anything to do with McCain, we lose. If it is about the Obama we introduce to America, we win, even if our candidate is a senile moron, who thinks the cold war is still going on in Czechoslovakia.

So remember, my friends - It’s the Obama, stupid.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

By R J Shulman
CANTON, Ohio – Manley Scott, a 39 year old out of work bricklayer has filed suit against Barack Obama because he didn’t get a text message announcing Joe Biden as the Illinois Senator’s running mate. “I signed up with Obama’s website in good faith,” Scott said, “and I stayed up all night, but no call, no text. Imagine my horror when that pimply faced Turner kid from next door who was mowing my lawn told me it was Biden.”

“This a classic example of a bait and switch, three card monty type of ponzi scheme,” said Stanley Carson III, Scott’s lawyer. Carson, who was the attorney for Paula Jones in her suit against President Clinton said, “Manley did everything he was supposed to do. Now through gross negligence, Obama has caused great emotional stress to Mr. Scott. I am not sure my client could go back to work even if he could find a job.”

Among other things, Manley is claiming that due to Obama’s inaction he has lost the respect of his friends and that his wife Annette has filed for divorce. “I could take him being out of work, and drinking and getting a little violent,” Annette Scott said, “but when he was not man enough to be the first to know who was Obama’s running mate, I knew our marriage was over.”

“First he says he’ll send Manley a text message, then he changes his mind and doesn’t,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News, “this kind of flip flopping is proof Obama is not ready to be President.” “Textgate is a classic example of why Obama is not fit to be commander in chief,” said John McCain from one of his many houses, “when we should be bombing Iran, he would be fiddling with one of those new fangled cell phones, trying to order some arugula.”

Obama aids have apologized to Mr. Scott saying they don’t know what happened as they believe they had dialed his number. “We are looking into the cause of this,” said Henry Franklin, of the Obama campaign, “we think it may have been that Mr. Scott hadn’t paid his phone bill and Verizon had shut off his service.”

Republican leaders are contemplating brining impeachment proceedings against Obama. Nancy Pelosi said she is very upset Mr. Scott did not get his message and she said that impeachment may be back on the table, as long as it is impeachment of a fellow Democrat.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – While Senator Joe Biden will make his first appearance today in Springfield, Illinois as Barack Obama’s running mate, the McCain camp will continue to play the waiting game regarding their Vice Presidential choice. “Let those name calling Commie Democrat traitors have their day,” McCain told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “but soon they will be shaking like brie eating Frenchmen waving white flags when they see who I’m going to pick.”

In contention for the GOP choice is former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, General David Petraeus, and the dark horse, Ron Paul. “I don’t thinkicate that McCain will pick that RuPaul, in fact I know he won’t pick that RuPaul” said President Bush, “but wait until the surprise secret gets out that we’ve been protecticating so well and it's too bad I can't tell you that secret is that in the Veep spot will be none other than my brother Jeb. The American people must understand that we will get Florida for sure without having to cheat fair and square this time.”

“Now that Obama has chosen a well respected senator with impeccable foreign policy experience,” said “Gerald Steetor, a top Washington pundit, “speculation is that McCain will counter with an equally impressive choice which I believe will be the person Dick Cheney tells him to pick.” A McCain spokesman said that the Arizona Senator will not be making any announcement until he completes an accurate count of the houses he owns.

“It’s a misplaced emphasis to count on who the running mate will be to secure a win in November,” said Karl Rove, “you need to count on who is counting the votes in November to secure that victory.”

Friday, August 22, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX - In a Presidential race full of surprises and traditional rule breaking, Senator John McCain will forgo the traditional staged event for the announcement of his Vice Presidential candidate and make the announcement via the telegraph. “We think this is a direct slap in the face to Obama, who is not telegraph savvy,” said Rick Davis, McCain Campaign manager. “Obama is too out of touch with the American people, especially the youngsters who are quite hep to the telegraph,” Davis said.

“My friends,” McCain said, “there is going to be quite a surge of excited Americans at the telegraph offices when I make my historic announcement. It sure beats telling everyone who their next Vice President will be by sending the announcement by Pony Express or driving around town in a Maverick or Pinto throwing flyers on doorsteps.”

“Speculation is running high that as soon as Dick Cheney tells McCain who his running mate will be, that telegraph keys will be clacking all over the country,” a McCain aid said. “This bold move into new advanced technology should dispel any notion that I am old and behind the times,” said McCain dressed in a tye-dyed shirt, Nehru jacket and wide elephant bell pants, an outfit McCain claims is a move to connect himself with today’s youth trends.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Thursday that the agreement that was reached between the US and Iraq regarding US troops leaving Iraq was not a timetable for troop withdrawal, but was a time horizon for troop withdrawal. “This is not a surrender, a cutting and running, an admission of defeat or us trying to be like the French,” she said, “because as everyone knows, a timetable is nothing even remotely related to a time horizon.”

“Even I know the difference,” said President Bush after he was briefed by Rice. “When I was in school I could never learn me those times tables, but I sure spent a lot of time staring out the school window at the horizon.”

“A timetable for withdrawal, is about the time set for your leaving,” Rice said, “whereas a time horizon is about the time set for your leaving, but with conditions. The conditions we tentatively agreed on are that the US troops will leave Iraq when pigs fly, hell freezes over or the Iraqis finally wake up and sign over all those oil rights to Exxon, Shell and British Petroleum, whichever of those events comes first.”

“Our troops could leave right away if the oil companies are allowed to drill for oil anywhere they wanted to instead of all the restrictions Obama and his posse the Democrat Party are imposing on progress,” said Karl Rove. “So we will start taking out ads on TV that show how it is Obama and his anti domestic drilling policies that are killing our brave soldiers and draining our treasury.”
“While Obama is keeping the war going for his own personal political ambitions,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign director, “John McCain, being the maverick that he is, agrees with the Bush Administration that drilling will get the troops home sooner and that a time horizon is much preferable to a timetable. “I am John McCain, my friends,” McCain told this reporter, “and I believe in an orderly withdrawal of American troops, a time horizon withdrawal that should take about a hundred years.”

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Bucking all of the predictions regarding his choice of a running mate, Senator John McCain will choose Ronald Reagan to run as his Vice President, the Post Times Sun Dispatch learned today. “This is a brilliant move,” said Charles Scniender, a strategist for the Republican Party, “as it will bring all the conservatives and Reagan Democrats to the polls to vote for McCain.”

“The choice of Reagan is also a positive for McCain because he will look young and vigorous compared to Reagan and he will look more attentive,” Schnieder said. “I couldn’t have suggested a better choice,” said Dick Cheney, “except for me, of course.”

Democratic political strategist James Carville said, “I can’t believe what those Republicans will dig up to win this election.” Barack Obama said he had no comment as he would like to keep the tone of the campaign above board and above ground.

“There is nothing in the Constitution that says you have to be alive to be the Vice President,” said Alan Dershowitz, Harvard Law Professor, “ I guess our founding fathers didn’t think future generations would be so unscrupulous and so dumb.” “I don’t think it’s bad to choosicate a Vice President without a pulse,” President Bush said, “after all, I have a Vice President without a heart.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – With the Presidential campaign about to go into high gear, Washington’s top political analysts all agree that the fallout from the Bush Presidency is that the smarter candidate will lose. “Americans have gotten used to having a dunce in the White House,” said Bruce Kaminsky of the Messenger Group, a top DC think tank. “Americans don’t want to be talked down to so this is going to work against Barack Obama. People want a President they can have a beer with rather than one with whom they can share a head of arugula.”

“I like having a President who screws up more than I do on my job,” said Sylvester Mankey, a welder from Warren, Ohio, “it’s real ego boost to feel that I’m better than the leader of the free world.” “I’ve gotten used to not having to think about what the President says,” commented Lesley Stark of Watertown, New York. “If I don’t have time to hear his speeches because I now have to work three jobs, I don’t feel I’ve missed anything important.”

“It used to be that Americans needed a father figure to be President,” Kaminsky said. “They still do, but fathers in the American culture have migrated from the intelligence and insightfulness of Father Knows Best to the Simpsons where father knows nothing.” “Our study shows,” said Fenton Rothwick, a Messenger Group researcher, “that Americans do not want a candidate to make sense like Obama when he explains his policies. They want someone who will give the TV a blank stare when asked a question or answer with a pat response that has nothing to do with anything. McCain is good at that. He says ‘my friends, the surge is working to just about every question, even ones about healthcare. I envision,” Rothwick said, “that in the future one candidate will win the election because he will be the last one to say to the other “I know you are, but what am I?”

The Messsinger Group report concluded by saying that any candidate who shows intelligence will be seen as a threat. As Raleigh Standish of Columbia, South Carolina said, “If they’s dumb in the White House, than even me can aspire to be President. All I have to do is git myself born into the right family so they can make me President where I don’t have to know nothing, can’t be held responsible for nothing and can blow up stuff and not get in trouble.”

Monday, August 18, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - A recent survey of political pundits and news reporters agree that the most important issue that will decide the Presidential election is whether the planet will run out of oil before the rapture. The world’s top scientists have indicated that they should complete their study before the election. “If the experts agree that there is enough oil supply to last until the all important day, then McCain will benefit from his drill anywhere anytime stance while Obama’s limited drilling will make him look like a scaredy cat who wasted an opportunity to get the much needed energy supply,” said Brian Williams of NBC. “Of course, if the projection is that we will run out before the big day, people will vote for Obama’s and his comprehensive energy plan that involves alternate energy sources.”

“I’ll trust them scientists, as long as they’s predicting about how much oil we got left,” said Floyd Rollins, an undecided voter from Hershey, Pennsylvania, “and they’s not trying to predict when the rapture will happen.” McCain has stated that he believes the rapture won’t come for at least one hundred years, “until we finish what we came to do in Iraq. And I have not lost faith there will be enough oil as God helps those who drill themselves,” McCain said.

“Early indications are that there is enough oil to last until Judgment Day,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “we just have to find which countries God placed our oil under, make regime changes if necessary and drill like there’s no tomorrow.” “Those terrorist loving America haters who want to ban oil drilling should listen to Condoleeza,” said Dick Cheney, “after all, she got an oil tanker named after her and those traitors don’t.”

The survey of pundits and newsmen showed that the oil until the rapture issue had overtaken the previous most important concern of Americans which was to know exactly when Michelle Obama stopped hating America. The survey, conducted by Newscorp had a margin of error of 100%.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a secret memo which lists of the advice given to John McCain from the top strategist of the Republican party.

FROM: KARL ROVE (yes, I am still running things and will do so even from prison, if necessary)
DATE: JULY 4, 2008

I must say we are really disappointed that you have generated about as much interest as a new Gigli movie, but the good news is that somehow we are only five points behind when we should be thirty. Before you take too much credit for it, there is more racism that out there than can be imagined and you should understand that it is the press who have given you a pass on your poor performance, but that will not go unnoticed forever. Therefore, I am revealing to you my game plan for you to win the White House in November.

1. Attack Obama as an arugula chomping elitist who refuses to drill for more oil. You, of course, must support exploring for more oil. Make in convincing like you would be willing to drill your mother’s teeth for it. If Obama relaxes his position on drilling off shore, call him an empty celebrity like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.
2. I will talk Mikeil Saakashvili, President of Georgia, (the country not the state, although I think you are hopeless with maps), to attack South Osettia and get the Russians to respond. Bush will then be stupid enough to claim that Russia is wrong to invade a sovereign nation. The press will be too stupid to call Bush on that irony. While all that is going on, bash the Russians, don’t say Soviet Union and for Gods sake look Presidential.
3. At every turn, attack Obama for being different, and don’t make an overt racial comment, but when he says he is being attacked for being different, then jump on him for playing the race card and that means racial ethnicity not a NASCAR race.
4. Cindy can be a help to you. White men who feel inadequate will be jealous and respect you at the same time for being able to land a big busted blonde who owns a liquor franchise, but be careful not to overdo it as she could injure herself shaking hands.
5. Let Cheney think you are going to pick him for VP. We don’t want you to piss him off and lose face over this if you know what I mean. We will take care of him later as I should have that special bunker ready in about three months in which to lure him into. The guy is turning into a liability. He is the only living person who has a lower approval rating than Congress.
6. Again, stay away from maps, naming countries and trying to tell if there are Shiites or Sunis involved.
7. If you suggest to Obama that he should visit some far away place like Iraq and when he does it and gets massive press coverage, don’t cry about it like some girl who didn’t get Malibu Barbie for Christmas.
8. Again stay away from maps and naming countries.
9. For Chirstsakes stop saying “my friends” all the time. The truth is John you can’t say “my friends” because you haven’t got any. Say, “my fellow patriotic Americans” or just say nothing.
10. If all else fails we will steal Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Mexico and any other friggin’ state we can so as to put your sorry ass in the Oval office.

Friday, August 15, 2008

By R J Shulman
ROME, Georgia – The body of the purported Bigfoot discovered in the North Georgia woods has been identified as Wilfred Benson, a 58 year old attorney from Alpharetta, Georgia. The 7 foot body, whose face was partially shot off was originally thought to be a Bigfoot, but has been confirmed as that of the missing attorney who used to play basketball for the Georgia Bulldogs.

“We were tipped off when we got a call from Benson’s wife Luella,” said Duane Buford of the Georgia State Police, “she said her husband, big Willie hadn’t come home from a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney. She told us,” Buford continued, “that the big hairy ape had been missing for two days. At first we thought that she was using a term of endearment, but man, that guy was big and hairy.”

Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but the Post Times Sun Dispatch learned from an anonymous source that the Vice President returned from a hunting trip saying, “it’s not my fault Big Willie got in the way of my shotgun after I’d had a few.” President Bush said, “I’m glad it was some stupid lawyer and not a real genuine Bigfoot as those Darwinistas would try to de-Bible us by claiming it was the missing link and say something crazy like we are antecedents of chimps. Now would somebody get me a banana and get these lice out of my hair?”

Thursday, August 14, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - President Bush stepped up his pressure for Russia to cease all hostility toward the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. “I am prepared to lead a mission accomplished against you if you do not cease firing with a cease fire,” Bush told Russian leaders. Bush has sent Condoleezza Rice, John Bolton and Eric Pomoroy, better known in wrestling circles as the Mad Russian to broker a peace between Russia and Georgia.

“If I can’t kick those idiot Commie asses into a peaceful solution,” Bolton said, “we will have no choice but to send our troops to blow up some Ruskie booty.” The Bush Administration has indicated that it has troops ready to invade Georgia after they travel through Iran to get there. “The idea of going to Georgia through Iran has a two fold purpose,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “it saves fuel to go on a more direct route, and we can also look for those weapons of mass destruction we know Iran has.”

The original cease fire, brokered by the French does not seem to be holding. “Them French are so good at surrendering you’d of thought all that peace and appeasement they were talking about would have worked,” Bush said yesterday, “but listen to me, you Frenchies, if we want Brie we’ll call you, otherwise, butt out.”

Barack Obama said he was against any American military action in the dispute. John McCain said that he was ready to lead the troops into battle no matter how much the boarder had changed since the last time he looked at the map of the Soviet Union. Besides,” McCain said, “Randy will know what to do in that region.” McCain was referring to Randy Scheunemann, his top foreign policy advisor who is also the top Washington lobbyist for the Republic of Georgia. When asked if his advisor had a conflict of interest, McCain said, “you should know it’s good for America to be interested in conflicts.”

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

By R J Shulman
HONOLULU - Even though he claims he’s on vacation, presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is hard at work trying to decide on his running mate while visiting his home state of Hawaii. “This is the first and most critical choice of his post-nomination Presidential bid,” said Henry Franklin, a senior Obama campaign manager. “We can’t choose a man to run as the Vice President as a man will either chase after women like John Edwards or if he doesn’t, he’ll be accused of being gay, and we can’t choose a woman because Hillary said Obama is not ready to be President and we can’t choose any woman other than Hillary or we will lose all of her supporters and the last thing we want is for a black man to look at the poll numbers as say, ‘where the white women at?’”

Having all men and all women eliminated from Obama’s short list for Vice President has posed a dilemma for the Illinois Senator. Sources close to Obama say he needs something very mainstream American which he seems to have found in his top two choices - an apple pie or a flag pin. “We are leaning toward the apple pie,” said a reliable source in the Obama camp, “because it is well liked by just about everybody, it can be warm and sweet, but can strike back by being tart if need be. The down side of an apple pie is that it can be like John Kerry, you know, too passive, letting itself get cut up by anyone who attacks it. On the other hand the flag pin cannot be attacked for being unpatriotic. However, the negative on the flag pin is that it can be like George W. Bush and get stuck on something and not be able to alter its course no matter how idiotic the path it may be on.”

“I don’t think he will choose the pie or the pin,” said Harvey Baines, a Washington insider, “I predict he is going to pick Dick Cheney, not so much to reach across the isle, but as a face saving measure.”

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush admonished Russian leaders today when he called on them to stop their attack on Georgia. “The world does not supporticate your unlawfully illegal invasion and occupation of another sovereign nation which has sovereignty,” Bush said, just back from the Olympics in Beijing, “what makes it so bad is that innocent local civilians who live there locally get killed just because you are greedy to get your blood soaked hands on their oil. You do that sort of thing and the whole world will dispizicate you and want you captured dead or alive.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice blasted the Russian government saying that they “cherry picked information that made it look like Georgia was a threat to Russia and based the whole invasion on this phony intelligence they knew to be wrong. These are war crimes and should not go unpunished.”

Vice President Dick Cheney was asked why he thought the Russians invaded Georgia. “This stems from the cold war, where the Russians hated us for our freedom,” Cheney said while inspecting the production line of a new waterboard factory in Lorrain, Ohio at the site of a former General Motors plant.

Barack Obama said he favored an immediate cease fire and for talks to begin. Kerry said that at first he was for the invasion into Georgia then he was against it. John McCain said, “I knew there was trouble from the moment the Russian troops crossed over from Czechoslovakia into South Ossetia because it was going to get the Sunis all riled up. But if there is going to be a fight, I hope it lasts a hundred years.”

When asked by the Post Times Sun Dispatch if he thought it was ironic that he was criticizing another government for invading and occupying a sovereign nation, Bush said, “If there is any irony here, I’ll get Dick Cheney to iron the whole thing out on one of his hunting trips.”

Monday, August 11, 2008

By R J Shulman
CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – In a new book, just released, author Andrew Connors states that the revelation that John Edwards cheated on his wife Elizabeth is not just a news story that gets played for a few days, but is the most significant story of our lifetime. “When I heard this story, I was stunned,” said Connors, a researcher at the conservative Heritage Foundation. “The very foundation of our civilization is built upon that man being faithful to his wife who has cancer and he as betrayed that trust.”

Connors who spent an entire weekend researching the book, states that all Democrats starting with Barack Obama, the standard bearer of the party, must immediately resign. “I know they are too caught up in trying to be celebrities to leave office,” Connors says, “and that will cause all kinds of acts of God to start to crumble our world as we know it. It will make Hurricane Katrina look like a summer breeze.”

“Unfortunately the liberal media will be too busy reporting the Olympics or that war in Georgia to grasp the importance of the Edwards story,” Sean Hannity of Fox said. “So whiney Americans will be worrying about the high price of oil and wars in faraway places rather than clamoring for the impeachment of every Democrat.”

“What is so shocking about Edwards action,” said Connor, “is that unlike David Vitter, or Larry Craig, or John McCain, Edwards is guilty of the greatest sin of all and that is cheating while a Democrat. If he had become a Republican first and then cheated, he would still be respected.”

“I know that Democrats will try and bring up that John McCain cheated on his first wife with Cindy Hensley who he later married,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “but those Democrats are just sore losers because McCain cheated with a stacked blonde who owned a beer franchise and Clinton ended up with the likes of Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones.

Connors ends his book by saying everyone should vote Republican and then prepare for the end times.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News will air a documentary entitled “Barack Hussein Obama: Anti-Christ or just plain Uppity?” “We just couldn’t help noticing the spell that Obama seems to have on the massive audiences he is able to attract,” said Syd Crane a Fox News senior producer, “so we dug into Mr. Obama and found some amazing parallels with Bible prophesy.”

Crane noted that in Revelation 19:22 the Bible says, “and a great beast shall rise up on his high horse, and shall be as empty as Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and gather the kings of the earth to make war against Him.” “That was compelling enough for us to further investigate.” “What is so astounding,” said Brit Hume, “is not only does the Bible warn us about an arugula chomping beast, but that Fox News could not find one person who could offer absolute proof that Obama is not the Anti-Christ.”

“At first I thought it was a case of him being to presumptuous, you know, not knowing his place,” said Reverend John Hagee, pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, “but the more I saw what Fox had come up with, I am no longer so sure we don’t have the beast operating among us, enticing our young with empty blasphemous oratory.”

“In these end times,” said Jerry Jenkins of the Left Behind novel series, “you have to be suspicious of anyone who can attract a large crowd. Now, we know that John McCain is not the Anti-Christ because he can’t draw flies, but Obama, yikes, just look at those folks swarming aobut him like locusts.”

"In this important doucmentary," Bill O'Reilly said, "we here at Fox report the facts about Obama and then let the people decide whether he is the Anti-Christ or presumptious." Fox News’ latest poll shows that among evangelicals they believe Obama is the Anti-Christ by a two-to-one margin over whether he is just uppity, while in the South, the numbers are evenly split.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

By R J Shulman
Beijing – President Bush has denounced the Russian attack on Tskhinvali, the capital of South Ossetia. “I had told Putin after I looked him in the eye that if he was ever to attack a state is should be Massachusetts where libeals and gay marriages are ruining America,” Bush said, “but Georgia is one of my states that voted for me without recounts and that means I’ll have to get Putin, dead or alive. So, as soon as I finish cheering our Olympiods to victorious victory here in China, I’m going to have to go back to Washington and teach those Russian a lession by invading Iran.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice agreed that an attack on Iran was appropriate as the Iranians have not denounced the Russian attack. Senator John McCain said he would support a strike on Iran and said we should fight there for a hundred years if necessary, as soon as our troops could cross over the border into Iran from Czechoslovakia.

Friday, August 08, 2008

By R J Shulman
BEIJING – President Bush’s visit to the Beijing Olympics had an unexpected consequence today as the President was so impressed with the economic growth he saw in China that he has announced plans to “bringicate the same prosperousness” back TO the US. “They actually manufacticate stuff here,” Bush said outside a Beijing paint factory, “and sell it to us in the US. That seems to be more sensicle than what we have been doing which is to shipicate our jobs overseas. I am going to call my new economy plan the great leap forward, “Bush said, “and will start with a Five Year Plan that will take five years.”

“The President’s bold new plan will turn our prisons into factories, and will put idle children to work in factories,” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. “Kids playing midnight basketball doesn’t help the GNP, but having them work the midnight shift at a ball bearing plant does.”

Other parts to the President’s plan call for the relaxation of all health and safety rules to allow for maximum profit and to finally get rid of the last bit of a stranglehold that the Constitution and Federal Civil Rights Acts has on corporations making some real money.

“The children of today are the future of tomorrow,” Bush told a gathering of United States Athletes, “sos I want to plan a strategy on putting a future into tomorrow with my new economics and you athletic types can help by cheerleading us to Olympic gold bands,” Bush said. The President also told American Olympic competitors that they had better win the most gold or they just might have to complete their training in some empty cells in Guantanamo. “If they don’t win the most metals, they’ll have a lot of explaining to do,” sad Dick Cheney, five time gold medalist in the synchronized waterboarding event.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

By R J Shulman
GUANTANAMO, Cuba - Osama bin Laden’s former driver, Salim Hamdan was found guilty of being the driver for the terrorist leader at the first US war crimes trial since the Second World War. Hamdan, a Yemeni, faces a maximum life sentence. “I just went where he told me to go,” said Hamdan through a translator, “for me it was practice to realize my life dream which was to drive a cab in New York City.”

US Department of Justice Prosecutors hailed the conviction as the first in a series of trials set for those associated with bin Laden. “Next will be bin Laden’s tailor, Shaheed Mouleh,” said US Prosecutor John Murphy. “I did nothing wrong,” Mouleh said, “All I did was adjust Osama’s ghutra an iqal [headdress] on his head and tell him his thwab [ankle length cloth] didn’t make him look fat.”

Prosecutors will also try Khalid al Mohammed, Osama’s exterminator. “I just killed some bugs in the cave with some soap,” Mohammed said. “I have no stomach or desire to kill Americans.” Mohammed said he would like to be released from Guantanamo so he could go back to the cave to have a chance to clear out the rest of the bugs. “Dawn Plus with Bleach really stops those critters cold,” Mohammed said.

Prosecutors also planned to try as a war criminal the person that was reported to be the best friend of bin Laden’s brother, Shafig, but changed their minds when they discovered that person was President George W. Bush. “You can’t guiltify someone ‘cause of their associations with others, unless the person doing the association is an Arab or a Democrat,” Bush said.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned from a reliable source that sometime after President Bush leaves office in January, he will ask NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to reinstate him in the White House. “If Goodell can reinstate Brett Favre to the Green Bay Packers,” said the source, who is close to the President, “than he can surely send George back to Washington. After all, Favre commanded a few guys on steroids, while George Bush commanded a whole damn army.”

Apparently Bush is having second thoughts about retiring to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. “There is only so much brush around here to mission accomplish,” Bush said, “so I’ll have to get the commish to Favricate me back to the oval office.”

Speculation is that Washington might not welcome Bush’s return. “We think he might be traded to another country,” said Bill Cook, a political insider, “Saudi Arabia would be a good fit as that country has a repressive government that runs on oil and believes in the death penalty.”

John McCain was asked what he would do if he is the President when Bush wants to come back. McCain said he would let Cheney decide. “I’m not about to be on the wrong side of a face off with Dick,” McCain told reporters. However, Barack Obama said changing the rules to allow a reinstatement is not the kind of change he’s been talking about.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Taking a page from the oil companies’ playbook, top paint manufactures are countering the recent spike in paint prices by lobbying Congress to relax restrictions on the use of lead. “When oil prices skyrocketed,” said Tony Glover of Benjamin Moore Paints, “the oil industry was able to convince the American public that drilling for oil in previously protected areas was a good thing. So we are launching a campaign to allow us to once again use lead, an ingredient that is cheaper than its more expensive replacement.”

“Big petroleum got it right,” said Clifford Devonshire of Behr Paints, “when the going gets tough, the tough get drilling.” Herman Avilla of Gliddin, Inc. said, “A small donation to McCain got him on board and once the public clamors for lead, Obama will change his position.” “You know how tough it is to get the lead out,” said Harve De Witt of Dutch Boy, “but with this new campaign, it will be easier to get the lead in.”

On the heels of the paint manufactures’ announcement, the big three automakers will lobby Congress to relax some of the regulations regarding vehicle safety. “Our ability to compete has been shackled by having to supply safety equipment on each vehicle such as seat belts and brakes,” said Ted Thompson of Ford.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the beleaguered American textile industry is contemplating a campaign to get Congress to relax the ban on child labor. “There is only one way we can compete with our international competition,” said Kathy Leehman of the American Textile Manufacturing Guild, “and that is to be able to lock children in our factories until they complete their 16 hour shifts.”

And finally, the Cotton Growers of America, who have been suffering due to the rise in cotton prices, will lobby Congress to, “allow us to return to a time honored tradition guaranteed to ease the cost of cotton, and that would be to convince Congress to ease the ban on slavery,” said Wilfred Beaumont III, owner of a plantation near Natchez, Mississippi.

The Republicans in Congress have vowed to stay in Washington until that body is able to solve the paint, auto, textile, and cotton crises. “The do-nothing Democrats went on recess, while us hard working Republicans want to solve the real problems that have been created over the years by all this political correctness,” said John Boehner of Ohio.

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Justice Department announced today that Bruce Ivins, who committed suicide last Friday was responsible not only for distributing the anthrax that killed five people shortly after the 9-11 attacks, but was responsible for other major misdeeds. “We learned from his psychologist that he was a narcissistic, ex-drug addict-sociopath who blamed others for his incompetence,” said Attorney General Michael Mukasey. “I am not talking about the President of course, but about Ivans who clearly was the one who sent the anthrax through the mail even though we were sure at first it was Al Qaeda and then that Steven Hatfill guy. Hatfill recently won a $5.8 million dollar lawsuit against the government for being falsely accused of mailing the anthrax.

“I am glad we finally caught up with the terrorist killer,” said President Bush, “although I liked it when we planned at first for Al Qaeda to be the pet scapegoat who anthraxed those people to death.” “Case closed,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, “we would like to explain to the American people just why he targeted Senators Lahey and Daschle the only two Democrats who could have stopped the passage of the Patriot Act, but due to national security we can’t discuss it further.”

Chertoff did announce that they have proof Ivins was the source of the leak of Valerie Plame’s identity. “Karl Rove and Scooter Libby were innocent. Ivins exposed Plame’s identity,” Chertoff said. “A search of Ivins' home revealed that he was not only responsible for the questionable firing of nine US District Attorneys, but deliberately led us into the Iraq war with lies about faulty intelligence.”

Ivins was found last Tuesday with his hands tied behind his back, a bullet in the back of the head and a suicide note that read, “I did everything that Chaney says I did, so good-bye cruel world.”

“It’s a shame that the secret details of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, the massive mortgage crisis, our failed energy policies, the total mishandling of the economy and every other possible mistake of the Bush Administration have now gone to the grave with Bruce Ivins,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch learned that Ivins was not going to the grave as originally planned. His body was immediately cremated along with the contents of his home as instructed by another note found near Ivins' body.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

By R J Shulman
XENIA, Ohio – John McCain announced that he is replacing long time agent Howie Brillstein, who had been in charge of booking musical acts for the McCain campaign. “Howie’s a great guy, but too old school,” said Rick Davis, Senior McCain Campaign Director. Apparently, Brillstein found out he was fired while on the road in Xenia, Ohio trying to book Vic Damone for McCain’s Cincinnati appearance.

“I am devastated,” Brillstein told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “I’ve known little Johnny from before his dad sent him to military school to curb his bad temper. I have worked my heart and soul out for him and this is how he repays me? I don’t know what I did wrong. Just last month, I booked Connie Francis for the chick vote, Bill Haley and the Comets for the youth vote and Sammy Davis, Jr., a double winner for the black and Jewish vote. It’s not my fault they didn’t show up.” “We didn’t have the heart to tell Howie that those acts didn’t show because they were dead,” said Marlene Whitley, a McCain aide.

The McCain camp has been growing concerned at the success rival Barack Obama is having in attracting popular musical acts to his campaign trail. Icons of the music world both old and new, ranging from such stars as Bob Dylan,, REM, Death Cab for Cutie and Lil Wayne have lent support, some with electrifying results like Germany’s Verklempt who performed during Obama’s successful speech in front of the Brandenburg Gate.

Davis announced the hiring of GOP veteran political strategist Chris Clancy to replace Brillstein. “I have full faith in Chris,” McCain said, “He has shown a keen sense of being with it with the hep crowd and has already booked acts that speak to today’s youth, like 3 Dog Night, Steppenwolf, Dionne Warwick and Engelbert Humperdink.”

Saturday, August 02, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News has begun speculating that they may have a novel answer to the question of who shot President John F. Kennedy. “There is no proof that Barack Obama was not on the grassy knoll that fateful day,” said commentator Brit Hume, “in fact, Obama has not been able to say where he was when the President was shot.” “It is certainly clear that Obama had a lot to gain by shooting the President,” Sean Hannity said, “how could Obama go around saying he is the new JFK if the old one was still alive?” “We told Fox that Barack was only two years old at the time and was in Hawaii,” said Franklin Worthy of the Obama campaign, “but they refused to report that information, saying it would be too confusing to the American people.”

This tops a week at Fox New where the Illinois Senator was blamed for the I-35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis-St.Paul. “Obama was too busy with a photo op in front of all those Germans instead of shoring up that bridge,” McCain said on Fox News on Tuesday. McCain stands by his comment even though it was pointed out that the bridge collapsed before Obama’s trip to Germany.

Obama was also accused of causing the mortgage crisis. “He filled all those people with the false hope of owning a home,” said Bill O’Reilly, “and every good thinking American knows those people shouldn’t be owing houses.” These accusations come on the heels of Republican attack ads blaming Obama for the high price of oil and Rush Limbaugh claiming that Obama is the cause of his oxycontin shortage.

Friday, August 01, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The McCain campaign has stepped up its accusations that Barak Obama is using the race card saying that Obama deliberately called the election a Presidential “race.” “He could have called it a contest, but used the word race,” said McCain in an interview with a Cincinnati televison reporter, “in fact, an issue as derisive as race would not be used at all if Obama hadn’t chosen to be black.”

This new accusation came a day after McCain accused Obama of bringing up race when Obama said the GOP was trying to scare voters by saying that he didn’t look like Presidents on all those dollar bills. “I agree with that McCain guy who said that Obama was dealing the race card from the back of the bus,” President Bush said.

“We felt we wouldn’t have to resort to race bating this early,” said McCain aide Mark Salter, “there are plenty of ways to scare the bejesus out of voters by pointing out that Obama has a terrorist name, has terrorist friends, is a terrorist Muslim and is basically an American hating arugula chomping, troop hating, elitist, gun hating, Nazi appeasing, limelight seeking, liberal communist. We just didn’t need to go down the race road yet.”

“How dare he bring up the race issue,” said McCain campaign manager Rick Davis, “I can’t believe Obama would think we would be racist, I mean how uppity is he going to get?

The McCain campaign, which has stepped up its attacks on his opponent has been criticized for going negative too early. “Maybe we should concentrate on being more positive about my good points,” McCain told Brit Hume of Fox News, “like saying how Americans should vote for me because I do look more like those Presidents on those dollar bills.