BUSH, CHENEY DEVASTATED THEY WILL HAVE TO MISS REPUBLICAN CONVENTION DUE TO HURRICANE GUSTAV
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney will be unable to attend the Republican National Convention as scheduled due to concerns about Hurricane Gustav that threatens the Gulf Coast. President Bush was scheduled to speak on Monday.

“The liberal press will seize the effects of this tragic storm to spread their lies that the GOP is happy that Bush and Cheney will not speak at the Convention due to their low approval ratings,” said Karl Rove. “But that is as false as all the other accusations that I have ever done anything wrong.”

“I am blown away by the great loss of me not being able to speechicate at the Convention in the twin cities of Wisconsin,” the President said, “but now that Hurricane Katrina has come back, I need to be there for the people of the Croissant City that I love so much.” The President will spend Monday keeping an eye on the storm from his ranch in Crawford as he entertains a couple of yet unnamed Country and Western singers.

Vice President Dick Cheney will view the events from a bunker somewhere in Wyoming. “It is with great sadness that I will have to forego my Convention appearance,” Cheney said. “But duty calls me to be far, far away so I can be ready for the storm preparation and ready for any surprises that should come in October.”

Hundreds of residents of New Orleans and surrounding areas have been evacuated in an operation that, so far has run smoothly. “We are more prepared this time,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. “This time we are supplying evacuees an electronic armband with essential information to make this exodus successful. We put the information into the chip on the bracelet, information such as those people’s name, address, social security number and their political party preference so we can make sure they end up at the proper destination.”