McCAIN SECRET CAMPAIGN STRATEGY REVEALED
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a secret memo which lists of the advice given to John McCain from the top strategist of the Republican party.

MEMORANDUM
TO: JOHN McCAIN
FROM: KARL ROVE (yes, I am still running things and will do so even from prison, if necessary)
DATE: JULY 4, 2008
RE: HELP US WIN THE 2008 ELECTION

John,
I must say we are really disappointed that you have generated about as much interest as a new Gigli movie, but the good news is that somehow we are only five points behind when we should be thirty. Before you take too much credit for it, there is more racism that out there than can be imagined and you should understand that it is the press who have given you a pass on your poor performance, but that will not go unnoticed forever. Therefore, I am revealing to you my game plan for you to win the White House in November.

1. Attack Obama as an arugula chomping elitist who refuses to drill for more oil. You, of course, must support exploring for more oil. Make in convincing like you would be willing to drill your mother’s teeth for it. If Obama relaxes his position on drilling off shore, call him an empty celebrity like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.
2. I will talk Mikeil Saakashvili, President of Georgia, (the country not the state, although I think you are hopeless with maps), to attack South Osettia and get the Russians to respond. Bush will then be stupid enough to claim that Russia is wrong to invade a sovereign nation. The press will be too stupid to call Bush on that irony. While all that is going on, bash the Russians, don’t say Soviet Union and for Gods sake look Presidential.
3. At every turn, attack Obama for being different, and don’t make an overt racial comment, but when he says he is being attacked for being different, then jump on him for playing the race card and that means racial ethnicity not a NASCAR race.
4. Cindy can be a help to you. White men who feel inadequate will be jealous and respect you at the same time for being able to land a big busted blonde who owns a liquor franchise, but be careful not to overdo it as she could injure herself shaking hands.
5. Let Cheney think you are going to pick him for VP. We don’t want you to piss him off and lose face over this if you know what I mean. We will take care of him later as I should have that special bunker ready in about three months in which to lure him into. The guy is turning into a liability. He is the only living person who has a lower approval rating than Congress.
6. Again, stay away from maps, naming countries and trying to tell if there are Shiites or Sunis involved.
7. If you suggest to Obama that he should visit some far away place like Iraq and when he does it and gets massive press coverage, don’t cry about it like some girl who didn’t get Malibu Barbie for Christmas.
8. Again stay away from maps and naming countries.
9. For Chirstsakes stop saying “my friends” all the time. The truth is John you can’t say “my friends” because you haven’t got any. Say, “my fellow patriotic Americans” or just say nothing.

10. If all else fails we will steal Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Mexico and any other friggin’ state we can so as to put your sorry ass in the Oval office.