OSAMA BIN LADEN’S DRIVER FOUND GUILTY OF BEING OSAMA BIN LADEN’S DRIVER
By R J Shulman
GUANTANAMO, Cuba - Osama bin Laden’s former driver, Salim Hamdan was found guilty of being the driver for the terrorist leader at the first US war crimes trial since the Second World War. Hamdan, a Yemeni, faces a maximum life sentence. “I just went where he told me to go,” said Hamdan through a translator, “for me it was practice to realize my life dream which was to drive a cab in New York City.”

US Department of Justice Prosecutors hailed the conviction as the first in a series of trials set for those associated with bin Laden. “Next will be bin Laden’s tailor, Shaheed Mouleh,” said US Prosecutor John Murphy. “I did nothing wrong,” Mouleh said, “All I did was adjust Osama’s ghutra an iqal [headdress] on his head and tell him his thwab [ankle length cloth] didn’t make him look fat.”

Prosecutors will also try Khalid al Mohammed, Osama’s exterminator. “I just killed some bugs in the cave with some soap,” Mohammed said. “I have no stomach or desire to kill Americans.” Mohammed said he would like to be released from Guantanamo so he could go back to the cave to have a chance to clear out the rest of the bugs. “Dawn Plus with Bleach really stops those critters cold,” Mohammed said.

Prosecutors also planned to try as a war criminal the person that was reported to be the best friend of bin Laden’s brother, Shafig, but changed their minds when they discovered that person was President George W. Bush. “You can’t guiltify someone ‘cause of their associations with others, unless the person doing the association is an Arab or a Democrat,” Bush said.