DUE TO HIGH COST OF PAINT, MANUFACTURERS ASK CONGRESS TO LIFT BAN ON LEAD
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Taking a page from the oil companies’ playbook, top paint manufactures are countering the recent spike in paint prices by lobbying Congress to relax restrictions on the use of lead. “When oil prices skyrocketed,” said Tony Glover of Benjamin Moore Paints, “the oil industry was able to convince the American public that drilling for oil in previously protected areas was a good thing. So we are launching a campaign to allow us to once again use lead, an ingredient that is cheaper than its more expensive replacement.”

“Big petroleum got it right,” said Clifford Devonshire of Behr Paints, “when the going gets tough, the tough get drilling.” Herman Avilla of Gliddin, Inc. said, “A small donation to McCain got him on board and once the public clamors for lead, Obama will change his position.” “You know how tough it is to get the lead out,” said Harve De Witt of Dutch Boy, “but with this new campaign, it will be easier to get the lead in.”

On the heels of the paint manufactures’ announcement, the big three automakers will lobby Congress to relax some of the regulations regarding vehicle safety. “Our ability to compete has been shackled by having to supply safety equipment on each vehicle such as seat belts and brakes,” said Ted Thompson of Ford.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the beleaguered American textile industry is contemplating a campaign to get Congress to relax the ban on child labor. “There is only one way we can compete with our international competition,” said Kathy Leehman of the American Textile Manufacturing Guild, “and that is to be able to lock children in our factories until they complete their 16 hour shifts.”

And finally, the Cotton Growers of America, who have been suffering due to the rise in cotton prices, will lobby Congress to, “allow us to return to a time honored tradition guaranteed to ease the cost of cotton, and that would be to convince Congress to ease the ban on slavery,” said Wilfred Beaumont III, owner of a plantation near Natchez, Mississippi.

The Republicans in Congress have vowed to stay in Washington until that body is able to solve the paint, auto, textile, and cotton crises. “The do-nothing Democrats went on recess, while us hard working Republicans want to solve the real problems that have been created over the years by all this political correctness,” said John Boehner of Ohio.