IVINS NOT ONLY ANTHRAX ATTACKER, BUT OUTED VALARIE PLAME AND FIRED US DISTRICT ATTORNEYS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Justice Department announced today that Bruce Ivins, who committed suicide last Friday was responsible not only for distributing the anthrax that killed five people shortly after the 9-11 attacks, but was responsible for other major misdeeds. “We learned from his psychologist that he was a narcissistic, ex-drug addict-sociopath who blamed others for his incompetence,” said Attorney General Michael Mukasey. “I am not talking about the President of course, but about Ivans who clearly was the one who sent the anthrax through the mail even though we were sure at first it was Al Qaeda and then that Steven Hatfill guy. Hatfill recently won a $5.8 million dollar lawsuit against the government for being falsely accused of mailing the anthrax.

“I am glad we finally caught up with the terrorist killer,” said President Bush, “although I liked it when we planned at first for Al Qaeda to be the pet scapegoat who anthraxed those people to death.” “Case closed,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, “we would like to explain to the American people just why he targeted Senators Lahey and Daschle the only two Democrats who could have stopped the passage of the Patriot Act, but due to national security we can’t discuss it further.”

Chertoff did announce that they have proof Ivins was the source of the leak of Valerie Plame’s identity. “Karl Rove and Scooter Libby were innocent. Ivins exposed Plame’s identity,” Chertoff said. “A search of Ivins' home revealed that he was not only responsible for the questionable firing of nine US District Attorneys, but deliberately led us into the Iraq war with lies about faulty intelligence.”

Ivins was found last Tuesday with his hands tied behind his back, a bullet in the back of the head and a suicide note that read, “I did everything that Chaney says I did, so good-bye cruel world.”

“It’s a shame that the secret details of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, the massive mortgage crisis, our failed energy policies, the total mishandling of the economy and every other possible mistake of the Bush Administration have now gone to the grave with Bruce Ivins,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch learned that Ivins was not going to the grave as originally planned. His body was immediately cremated along with the contents of his home as instructed by another note found near Ivins' body.