AFTER BUSH AFTERMATH: NO ONE SMART CAN BE ELECTED PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – With the Presidential campaign about to go into high gear, Washington’s top political analysts all agree that the fallout from the Bush Presidency is that the smarter candidate will lose. “Americans have gotten used to having a dunce in the White House,” said Bruce Kaminsky of the Messenger Group, a top DC think tank. “Americans don’t want to be talked down to so this is going to work against Barack Obama. People want a President they can have a beer with rather than one with whom they can share a head of arugula.”

“I like having a President who screws up more than I do on my job,” said Sylvester Mankey, a welder from Warren, Ohio, “it’s real ego boost to feel that I’m better than the leader of the free world.” “I’ve gotten used to not having to think about what the President says,” commented Lesley Stark of Watertown, New York. “If I don’t have time to hear his speeches because I now have to work three jobs, I don’t feel I’ve missed anything important.”

“It used to be that Americans needed a father figure to be President,” Kaminsky said. “They still do, but fathers in the American culture have migrated from the intelligence and insightfulness of Father Knows Best to the Simpsons where father knows nothing.” “Our study shows,” said Fenton Rothwick, a Messenger Group researcher, “that Americans do not want a candidate to make sense like Obama when he explains his policies. They want someone who will give the TV a blank stare when asked a question or answer with a pat response that has nothing to do with anything. McCain is good at that. He says ‘my friends, the surge is working to just about every question, even ones about healthcare. I envision,” Rothwick said, “that in the future one candidate will win the election because he will be the last one to say to the other “I know you are, but what am I?”

The Messsinger Group report concluded by saying that any candidate who shows intelligence will be seen as a threat. As Raleigh Standish of Columbia, South Carolina said, “If they’s dumb in the White House, than even me can aspire to be President. All I have to do is git myself born into the right family so they can make me President where I don’t have to know nothing, can’t be held responsible for nothing and can blow up stuff and not get in trouble.”