BIGGEST ISSUE OF CAMPAIGN: WILL THERE BE ENOUGH OIL UNTIL THE RAPTURE?
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - A recent survey of political pundits and news reporters agree that the most important issue that will decide the Presidential election is whether the planet will run out of oil before the rapture. The world’s top scientists have indicated that they should complete their study before the election. “If the experts agree that there is enough oil supply to last until the all important day, then McCain will benefit from his drill anywhere anytime stance while Obama’s limited drilling will make him look like a scaredy cat who wasted an opportunity to get the much needed energy supply,” said Brian Williams of NBC. “Of course, if the projection is that we will run out before the big day, people will vote for Obama’s and his comprehensive energy plan that involves alternate energy sources.”

“I’ll trust them scientists, as long as they’s predicting about how much oil we got left,” said Floyd Rollins, an undecided voter from Hershey, Pennsylvania, “and they’s not trying to predict when the rapture will happen.” McCain has stated that he believes the rapture won’t come for at least one hundred years, “until we finish what we came to do in Iraq. And I have not lost faith there will be enough oil as God helps those who drill themselves,” McCain said.

“Early indications are that there is enough oil to last until Judgment Day,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “we just have to find which countries God placed our oil under, make regime changes if necessary and drill like there’s no tomorrow.” “Those terrorist loving America haters who want to ban oil drilling should listen to Condoleeza,” said Dick Cheney, “after all, she got an oil tanker named after her and those traitors don’t.”

The survey of pundits and newsmen showed that the oil until the rapture issue had overtaken the previous most important concern of Americans which was to know exactly when Michelle Obama stopped hating America. The survey, conducted by Newscorp had a margin of error of 100%.