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Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

CONGRESS DISASTER RELIEF COMPROMISE: FEMA FUNDS TO BE OFFSET BY NEW TAX ON GAYS AND ATHEISTS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service)  Avoiding a last minute disaster of their own, Congress escaped being responsible for cutting off funding to cover disaster relief by agreeing to offset any spending for assisting communities such as Joplin, Missouri, by generating revenue from new targetd taxes.

"God has been punishing America with natural disasters because He is displeased by the homsexual lifestyle and by those that don't beliee in him," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "so it's only common sense to tax gays and athiests for having to use taxpayer money to clean the messes they've caused."

"This compromise is good for the Democrats," said Gail Grovers, a White House spokesperson, "because this will be the first time we have been able to convince Republicans to agree to a tax increase instead of tax cuts to solve fiscal problems."

Senator Bernie Sanders, (I-VT) vigerously opposed the new tax.  "If God wanted to punish gays and atheists wouldn't they be targeted?  Yet when was the last time lightening struck a hair dresser as he listened to a Cher CD while working on a fabulous new window dressing yet tornados routinely hit Christian churches and smash double-wides filled with bibles and statutes of Jesus."

Next on tap for Congress is a bi-partisan bill to tax scientists and environmentalists "to cover the funds expended to fight the fires caused by the inflamitory language of these groups whose phony science of global warming is clearly responsible for various states suddenly bursting into flames," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor.

Thursday, September 22, 2011














PERRY'S NEW PLAN TO REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT: TAKE A MINIMUM WAGE JOB OR FACE THE DEATH PENALTY
by R J Shulman

KILL DEVIL HILLS, North Carolina - Republican presidental candiate Rick Perry announced his plan for lowering the the high unemployment rate facing the US at a North Carolina rally today.  "This plan has worked in Texas," he told a crowd of enthusiastic supporters, "a minimum wage job does not put an unfair burden on the corporate job creators and will help us compete with China, Bangladore, Indo-Nam or wherever they can do things for less around the world."

Perry further explained, "My win-win plan reduces joblessness becuse those who see the benefit of avioding a lethal injection will take a McDonald type of job, thus taking them off the public trough while those who are stubborn enough to refuse the minimum wage, will be permanently removed from the unemployment
roles if you know what I mean, which also takes them off the public trough."

Perry got the loudest cheers and support whenever he mentioned the death penalty and how he has been the most successful governor in history to exercise that right.  "It's great to be takling to a crowd of pro-lifers," he said after one such outburst regarding the death penalty.

Perry said that Romney and the other GOP candidates were, "too soft on jobless crime."  Perry's plan's new slogan, "Off the goof-offs" has already caught on with conservative radio talk show hosts and will be the subject of a new Fox News Report, Stopping Obama's Army of Slackers who are Coming for Your Guns.  

Perry said that if elected president, he would put the final touches on his plan by ending the minimum wage.  "We should let the market decide the going rate for pay, and not some socialists in Washington.  Having no minimum wage worked pretty well before the Civil War when folks who got shelter and a little food were willing to build the South's infrastructure for the going rate of, well, nothing."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

NEW POLL: GOP PLAN TO SHIFT BLAME FOR EVERYTHING TO OBAMA NOW 73% COMPLETE
by R J Shulman

HAMDEN, Connecticut - A new Quinnipiac University poll shows that 73.3% of all Americans now blame President Obama for the bad econimy, the national debt and the pointless wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  This is no accident, as this is the result of a well planned and organized campaign of the Republican Party.

"George W. Bush had messed things up so badly when he left office that if we didn't come up with our Shift the Blame Campaign, no one in their right mind would have ever voted Republican again," said Buck Meany, a top GOP strategist.  "But a combination of conservative talk radio and Fox News pounding Obama 24/7, while the rest of the media was preoccupied with Lindsay Lohan's next big relapse and unlimited Citizens United money, the vast majority of Americans beleive not only that Obama is a Kenyan born Muslim programmed to become America's first tyrant, but that he is responsible for everything from bad cable reception to personally nailing Jesus to the cross."

The Quinnipiac poll also indicated that American are 65.7% more likely to blame a black man for problems that a white man.  There were sharp differernces between the blue states where 53.9% would blame a black man first, as opposed to the red states where 93.7% would be more likely to find blame with an African American male.

"We have been able to successfully set up a picture in the voters' minds that America was like a white woman who got rapped and when it comes time to blame someone, well, you all can guess the rest," said Meany.