CONGRESS DISASTER RELIEF COMPROMISE: FEMA FUNDS TO BE OFFSET BY NEW TAX ON GAYS AND ATHEISTS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service)  Avoiding a last minute disaster of their own, Congress escaped being responsible for cutting off funding to cover disaster relief by agreeing to offset any spending for assisting communities such as Joplin, Missouri, by generating revenue from new targetd taxes.

"God has been punishing America with natural disasters because He is displeased by the homsexual lifestyle and by those that don't beliee in him," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "so it's only common sense to tax gays and athiests for having to use taxpayer money to clean the messes they've caused."

"This compromise is good for the Democrats," said Gail Grovers, a White House spokesperson, "because this will be the first time we have been able to convince Republicans to agree to a tax increase instead of tax cuts to solve fiscal problems."

Senator Bernie Sanders, (I-VT) vigerously opposed the new tax.  "If God wanted to punish gays and atheists wouldn't they be targeted?  Yet when was the last time lightening struck a hair dresser as he listened to a Cher CD while working on a fabulous new window dressing yet tornados routinely hit Christian churches and smash double-wides filled with bibles and statutes of Jesus."

Next on tap for Congress is a bi-partisan bill to tax scientists and environmentalists "to cover the funds expended to fight the fires caused by the inflamitory language of these groups whose phony science of global warming is clearly responsible for various states suddenly bursting into flames," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor.