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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - With Fox News projecting the GOP to pick up 4,397 seats in the House in the mid-term elections, Representative John Boehner who would become the Speaker of the House announced his plans for the next two years. "The American people have spoken, telling us they are concerned about jobs, the economy and Washington being more interested in power and greed than helping their constituents," Boehner said, "therefore, we will immediately start investigating Obama.

Boehner said he and the Republicans will start the following full scale investigations:

1. Birth-Gate - Investigate Obama's fake birth certificate and prove once and for all he was born in Kenya and if not, that Hawaii was not a US territory when he was born.

2. Death-Gate - Investigate why Obama and the Democrats want to kill the unborn and the elderly instead of the people who really deserve to die - those that chose to be too poor to buy health insurance.

3. Preacher-Gate - Investigate how a Muslim like Obama could infiltrate a Christian church and made Reverend Jeremiah Wright say bad things about America.

4. Name-Gate - Investigate why a person would change a perfectly good American sounding name, Barry Owen to Barack Hussein Obama just to give aid and comfort to Muslim terrorists.

5. Michelle-Gate - Investigate just how much Michelle Obama hated America prior to 2008 in which she said she was proud of America for the first time.

6. Gates-Gate - Investigate just how Obama was able to brainwash a perfectly good Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates into not invading Iran to get rid of a tyrant and make sure Iranian oil profits help pay for the Iraqi war becasue Iraqi oil profits didn't quite cover the cost of that war.

7. Pal-Gate - Investigate Bill Ayers and other pals of Obama to make sure they are sent to Guantanamo where they belong.

8. Gay-Gate - Find out if Obama is going to shove the gay agenda down everyone's throats first by taking away everyone's guns and replacing them with Cher CDs or by making everyone give up red meat for arugula.

9. Ingesti-Gate - Investigate why Democrats failed to investigate all these investigations when Fox News shows 10,000% of Americans wanted these investigations.

10. Broke-Gate - Investigate why the House has run up the deficit to astronomical heights, but blaming these cost overruns on Republicans conducting wasteful, racist, hateful, pointless, partisan investigations off all things Obama is off the table.

"And if the results of the investigations don't show us what we want," Boehner said, "we will investigate the investigators."

Thursday, October 28, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - As the election nears, prominent conservatives and Tea Party candidates have gone on the offensive to support their belief that any Constitutional separation between a person's religious beleif and their right to dispise who they want to is nothing more than activist liberal judges interfering with their freedom "I challenge anyone to show me where in the Constitution the founding fathers said anything about there being this separation between church and hate," said Rand Paul who is running for the Senate from Kentucky.

"The founding fathers were all Christians who believed they had a right to hate and infact, just like us modern day Tea Party patriots," Paul said, "they hated taxes, anyone who tried to take their guns, a tyrant in office who thought he was a king like Obama does today, and like any good American, they hated the French."

"I second that devotion," said Sarah Palin who appeared at a rally for Rand in Bowling Green, Kentucky, "the Constituton doesn't prevent good Christian Americans from hating Moose limbs and I refutiate anyone who can show me where Moose limbs, especially terrorist Obama pal Moose limbs get special rights that protects them from the righteous hatred of true Americans who want to refutiate their building of Mosque over our 9-11 gravesites."

"There can be no doubt this country was set up as a Christian nation," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn). "Do the names Washington and Jefferson sound Jewish of like tent dwelling A-Rabs? No. OK so they sound a little Negro, but they are still Christian names."

"Our bible is brimming with the right of righteous peoople to smite their enemies," said Sharron Angle, who is trying to unseat Harry Reid in the Nevada Senate race, "and no bucket full of Asian looking Hispanics can take away my right to smite Harry Reid."

When asked if he thought a country that supported the attacking of those of a different faith was more like a fundamentalist Islamic state than America, Joe Miller who is running for the Senate in Alaska on the Tea Party ticket said, "the Islamofascists had it right that the government can and must be used to uphold good religious values, but where they got it wrong is that they have the wrong God."

"Jesus Christ didn't get to where he got by acting like a gay French Surrenanista and turning the other cheeck," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "He beleived in what he believed in and if someone didn't believe in him, he kicked his ass. Now that's being tough like true Americans and if you don't beleive me that Jesus was tough, just try kicking someone's ass while wearing sandals."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

by R J Shulman

WILMINGTON, Delaware - (PTSD News) - Republican Senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell was arrested late last night after an altercation with former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich ended with the Georgia lawmaker losing an eye. "I was just admonishing Ms. O'Donnell for running such a poor campaign," Gingrich said from his hospital bed, "and the next thing I know, she scratched my eye out."

When asked by reporters if she planned on using Newt's eye as part of a concoction to cast a spell to win her election, O'Donnell said, "could you give me a hint on what kind of spell and if not, I'll post the answer on my website."

Wilmington police say O'Donnell will remain in custody pending further investigation. "I wouldn't let my black cat anywhere near that lady," said Police Sargeant Walter Hutchinson.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

by R J Shulman

I have been blogging for over three years, attempting to use humor, irony and just plain facts to make a point that we are living in strangely dangerous times. I appreciate all of you who have read my comments and thank those kind enough to offer their own words regarding what I have written.

The all important mid-term election is just days away now, and if for some reason you don't know who you should vote for or even if you should vote at all, I will try and make it a simple choice for the undecideds, the unsures, the uncertain. If there is any way I can influence you as to which lever you will pull, which hole you will punch, which chad to hang or whether you will hang it up all together, please think about this, as I beleive it is all you need to know about the power of your vote:

If you think the middle class is over privileged and the wealthy are not privileged enough, vote Republican.

If you disagree with the previous statement, vote Democratic.

It doesn't matter who the candidates are anymore as the Republican party has made it clear they will exhibit no individual thinking, as their elected slaves will vote in unison at the command of their corporate and wealthy masters, who now own practically everything, except maybe you.

With that, this affiant, sayeth no more.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

by R J Shulman

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - The Verdad Institute just released results from an extensive study to determine why families earning less than $250,000 per year would vote for Republican candidates. "When it's so evident that the GOP has been completely bought by the ultra rich and large multi-national corporations to do their bidding," said Verdad Institute President Henry Walden, "we felt it was important to find out why polls are showing such strength for the Republicans."

"It takes a lot to get people to vote against their own best interest, but according to our study, highly paid Republican stategists seem to have been able to tap into potential voters' ignorance, selfishness and racism."

Verdad release some of the questions they used in their study:

1) Which of the following is a truer statement:
a) Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9-11
b) Saddam Hussein is Barack Hussein Obama's cousin

2) Which is more important:
a) Keeping my neighbor's job from being outsourced to China
b) Keeping my tax dollars from being used to pay unemployment benefits

3) Which is more important for America's future:
a) Coming up with a viable plan to fix the economy
b) Coming up with a viable plan to determine if Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate is real

4) Which is a better approach to immigration:
a) Although it make take time and a great deal of effort, putting together a comprehensive immigration reform plan
b) When it comes to Second Amendment rights for Arizonans, anyone who looks like they could be an illegal Mexican is fair game

5) Which is the more appropriate role for the federal government:
a) Protecting the environment from toxic polluters
b) Protecting your marriage by banning marriage between homosexuals

6) Which is more important for your government representatives to concentrate on:
a) Providing jobs to help out of work Americans rebuild the country's crumbling infrastructure
b) Making sure no mosque is built near ground zero

7) Which is a better approach to health care:
a) Reducing the eligibility age for medicare to allow a buy-in at a rate that will keep the plan solvent
b) Banning Americans from crossing into Canada to buy cheaper perscription drugs that may be substandard while making sure drug companies maintain their free market right to have their legal perscription drugs made in China

8) Which is a greater loss of freedom:
a) Allowing police to ask anyone they think could be a terrorist or illegal alien for their identification papers
b) White people not being allowed to use the "N" word like black people are allowed to do

9) Which is a better way to fix the deficit:
a) Plug tax loopholes for large corporations and end legal tax evasion for the ultra rich so they too have to pay their fair share of the tax burden
b) End unemployment insurance, welfare, food stamps, studies about volcanoes and privatize social security

10) What is better for America's future:
a) Creating a Manhattan Project like think tank to explore ways to make American the world leader in developing and producing alternative energy
b) Allowing Christian prayers in public schools

"The survey result showed that non-wealthy peopole who said they would vote Republican in the coming election overwhelmingly selected "b" on each of the questions, clearly the choice of either a sociopath, a rascist, an ignoramus or any combination thereof," Walden said. "If people truly voted for their own best interest and the Republicans take their orders from wealthist 1% of the population, the GOP should only get 1% of the vote."

Walden says the next survey for the Verdad Institute will be to determine why even though the Democrats had truth, justice and the American Way and the majority on their side, when it came to pushing through their agenda, they acted like they has swallowed a vat of Kryptonite.

Monday, October 04, 2010

by R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES - (PTSD News) - Citing the perils of political opponents unfairly using illegal aliens to entrap patriotic American candidates, California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman announced that the Don't Ask Don' t Tell policy not only be continued in the military, but be applied to the hiring of domestic servants.

Whitman claimed that if the Don't Ask Don't Tell law for servants and hired help had been in place, "Jerry Brown and his liberal henchmen couldn't have exploited that poor woman I fired for purely political gain because I would not be in trouble because I never asked." Whitman has been under fire for hiring housekeeper Nicky Diaz for nine years, even though Diaz was not in the country legally, but recently has been fighting back by blaming Jerry Brown for her troubles.

Whitman also blamed Ms. Diaz. "I didn't tell her to enter the country illegally or drive her across the border in a van. All I did was once she was here use my right to the free market to get a bargain for getting my work done. What is wrong with that?"

Saturday, October 02, 2010

by R J Shulman

It's not about a mosque at ground zero
Or government bail outs for a 911 hero
It's not whether some mega preacher got laid
Or what Meg Witman knew about her maid

It's not whether or not the Feds should be making cars
Or who gets booted off Dancing With the Stars
It's not about death panels or Obamacare
It's not about what's right, or what's fair

It's all about what they want you to think
After they gave you the Kool-Aid to drink
Because it's simply about how the ultra rich will get more
And how the rest of us will get poor

It's not about the sin and scourge of higher taxes
Or about what Fox News says the facts is
It's not about being a life long Republican or Democrat
a Liberal, Conservative or a member of this or that

It's not about a woman's right to choose
Or guns or bibles or drugs or booze
It's not who's to blame for Gulf oil spills
Or dangers of Canadian perscription pills

It's not about bringing back the good old days
Of banning nuptual vows for gays
Or no one pulling the card about race
Because men were men and all else knew their place

It's about the truth the powerful dare not speak
About strengthening the strong and weakening the weak
Because November is all about how the rich will get more
And how the rest of us will get poor

It's not about sudden surges of aliens pounding on our gate
Or telling Arizonans who they should hate
It's not about premarital sex or internet porn
Or where the hell Obama was born
It's not about states of red or blue
Or if Glenn Beck is as sane as me or you
It's not about freedom not being free
Or about the rage of a party drinking tea

It's a wager by those out numbered ten-thousand to one
to see if we are as dumb as they think we're dumb
Because your vote will say if the rich get more
And if the rest get poor

It's not about some minority with a welfare Cadilllac
Or Dr. Laura saying the N word and trying to take it back
It's not whether the president is some communist nazi
Or about Paris or Britney's latest photo of their hotzie totzie

It's not about global warming hitting Pennsylvania
Or about Rush Limbaugh's meglomaina
It's not about whos more American - Christian, Muslim, or Jew
Or about what some frightened fat white man thinks Jesus would do

It's about which party has sold thier souls to a greater degree
And will do and say anthing so you and I won't see
It's all about how the rich will get more
And how the rest of us will get poor

It's not about the North versus the South
Or what comes out of Bill O'Reilly's mouth
It's not about government being way too big
Or if we should drill or if we should dig

It's not about the lazy unemployed
Or whether they have a right to be annoyed
It's not about ending don't ask don't tell
Or who has the loudest scream or loudest yell

So don't let the millions spent on campaign ads
Make you angry and make you mad
Because you really know what each party stands for
Whether the rich get rich and the poor get poor