GOP 2016 PLATFORM LEAKED

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a draft of the 2016 Republican Party Platform.  This platform that will be unveiled in Cleveland at the Republican National Convention promises to take into account the public’s desire for a party not so extreme as to ignore the needs of the middle class.

The following is the Republican Platform, entitled People Matter:

All taxes on the rich will be repealed and taxes on the poor and middle class will be increased as an incentive for them to choose to be rich,

Obamacare will be overturned and all medical malpractice and insurance fraud lawsuits will be banned,

All of Obama’s executive orders will be overturned as well as Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation,

Obama will be sent to Guantanamo Bay Detention Center with Hillary Clinton and all of her emails,

The Ten Commandments shall replace the Bill of Rights, except that the Second Amendment shall remain and Thou Shall Not Steal will not be used,

All Muslims will be banned and deported along with all muslin as that is just way too similar,

All federal land will be donated to private industry for drilling and logging or both,

Anyone who has received a settlement from a pharmaceutical company will have to return their awards with interest or they will be forced to donate their kidneys to rich people in need, and their livers to former Speaker of the House, John Boehner,

The EPA will be abolished and useful products such as DDT, asbestos and lead paint, unfairly attacked by liberals will be reinstated for everyday use,

The job killing minimum wage will be repealed and any worker not meeting their quota will be sent to work in coal mines to help revive that industry,

Global warming will officially be declared a hoax and anyone using solar or wind power will be sent to Guantanamo,

Abortion will become illegal and any doctors who performed abortions since 1973 will be sent to Guantanamo and women who have had abortions will be sent to Guantanamo unless they agree to sleep with a Republican,

Not only will the Department of Education be abolished, but public education itself will be abolished to save taxes,

All restrictive gun laws will be repealed and guns will be mandated for schools, churches, bars and 

for babies in the womb,

All banking and Wall Street regulations will be abolished and such institutions will be given the Social Security Trust Fund to invest how they see fit,

President Reagan will replace FDR on the dime and the motto on American coins will be changed from E Pluribus Unum to Brother Can You Spare a Dime,

Everyone must please clap for Jeb Bush, and, of course,

Guantanamo will be expanded.